I'm back, bitches. I am SO back :)I'm sorry my updates have been absent, but I've been keeping up with things on here, and I gotta say, our DSS fandom is rockin' right now :) aside from that little blip last week, if you were among my fellow flamers you know what I'm talkin about ;)

First of all, I started this last week cuz it's supposed to be a Father's Day special, but this year Father's Day fell on our local rodeo weekend, so basically everything got put on hold because we I was on the road with the horses for 3 days in a row...

Second of all, holy tits this is long! (well, standard length for TVF oneshot) I write on Wordpad cuz I always have, but then I transferred it onto Open Office so I could see how many pages it was... friggen 18, not double spaced. If I could write essays like I write fics...

Third of all, I mention the show ShitMyDadSays. If you don't know, it's based on a Twitter thing where this guy documents the crazy stuff his hilarious dad says. I reccomend checking it out - I wanna do a Seba spinoff... you'll get it when you read it xD

Fourth of all... you may know the iPad 2 came out recently... I couldn't resist.

Fifth of all, this story contains a LOT of mush, fluff, warm fuzzies, whatever you wanna call it. There's fatherliness, sonliness, bromance out the wazoo... basically everything but slash. J'sayin!

Sixth of all... This one is just a tiny bit different. *coughKURDAcough* you'll see.

Seventh of alll... (usually I wrap these things up by 7) THIS STORY IS DEDICATED TO MY WONDERFUL DAD :) he'll never see it of course, he's certainly never heard of ffn although I think he'd be proud of my 41 stories. Here's to the man who taught me how to drive stick, hitch a trailer, hammer a nail, go online, drive a tractor, and fix the TV when the satellite stops working. The most dedicated and hardworking person I know, my #1 fan... I LOVE YOU DADDY :) (and yes, I didn get him an actual present.)

ENJOY :)

It was a blissful mid-June day in Vampire Mountain. Outside, the sun beat down on the mighty rockface, warming the chilly stones. Inside however, the temperature had only risen slightly since the coming of Summer, merely promting the inhabiting creatures to drink a bit more lemonade than usual.

All was calm and quiet on that lovely day;

Harkat was lying face-up on the comfiest of the couches, magazine in hand.

Arrow was continuously upgrading his dark orange Hummer H2t with anything and everything he could think of, side steps, back racks, grills, roof lights, interior multicoloured flashing lights, an audio-recordable horn...

His partner in crime, Mika occasionally contributed to the mechanical labour (after all, his name was embroidered on the shotgun seat) but he spent a good deal of his time sulking because he did not have a truck of his own. When there was nothing more to be done with the vehicles, the two Princes often retreated with their spiked lemonade and immersed themselved in the universe of internet humour, or else watching their favourite show, ShitMyDadSays, to which they created their own Youtube ripoff, called ShitSebaSays. It was quite successful.

Paris Skyle had apparently decided he would rather be Prince of the Appleverse than of the Vampires. He wrote a daily letter to Steve Jobs, which kept getting returned by the dozens. He had installed every possible app and update on his iPad, and had taken to collecting Apple paraphenalia, from outdated colourful monitors to brick-sized original iPods. On that particular day, he'd spent a good 5 hours polishing his entire collection, while counting down the hours till the legendary iPad 2 would become available.

Kurda Smahlt lived in a constant state of stress. Even inside the Mountain, his perfectly preened hair was not safe from the humidity, and this seemed to cause him immense pain. He'd just ordered a massive shipment of every anti-frizz cream, mousse, spray, and gel in existence, and was systematically testing them, then asking others for their opinions - this mainly went ignored, but he put in an excellent effort.

Seba Nile policed the halls of Vampire Mountain as per usual, pointing out every last crime against Vampirism, no matter how abominable. But for a Vampire so terribly against technology, he certainly was fond of his automatic waffle maker.

And Larten Crepsley... well, he spent his days doing... Larten-things. Such as nitpickery (his prime candidate being Darren) and watching spider documentaries on the Discovery Channel.

And then there was Darren Shan. This particular day started with him sprinting full-steam across the Mountain and stopping by the couch where his small friend was situated...

"Harkat. Harkat. Harkat. Hey, Harkat. Harkat. Harkat. Harkat. HARKAT!"

"Charna's chest hairs...Darren. What...do you...want? Can you...not see...I'm reading...this book?" the Little Person responded peevishly, looking up from his glossy magazine.

"That's not a book, Harkat. That's the Playboy Summer Special Edition." Darren replied in befuddlement, noticing the cover. "...And you've got it upside down."

"Oh." said Harkat gravely. "I do not know...what it is. Mika and Arrow...told me to hold...it and walk past... Seba so they can... video-tape his...reaction and...put it on...Youtube. ShitSebaSays is becoming... very sucessful. They want...to be rich."

"That'll compromise Vampire secrecy! I gotta find them and bribe them into taking it down." Darren groaned miserably. "This'll mean new custom trucks for both of them...oh WHY did I install those computers?" He turned to walk off.

"Wait, Darren...what did...you want...me for?" Harkat inquired.

That was a excellent question, Darren thought. Why had he walked halfway across the Mountain to seek the Little Person?

Oh. Then he remembered. He turned around and sat down on the couch beside his Playboy-reading pal. Seba's removal from Youtube would have to wait.

"Harkat, you need to give me your honest opinion on a few things. First one: Red or maroon?"

"For?" asked Harkat patiently.

"...Ties." said Darren casually.

"For?" Harkat persisted.

"Murrcurly..." Darren mumbled.

"Speak up." Harkat requested, hoping this wasn't going where he thought it was going.

"Mr. Crepsley." Darren whispered loudly.

"MR...CREPSLEY?"

"Shuddddup." Darren hissed, clamping his hand over the lopsided grey mouth. "Yes, Mr. Crepsley."

"Mr. Crepsley doesn't...need ties. Mr. Crepsley doesn't...wear ties. Mr Crepsley doesn't...like ties." Harkat explained slowly and clearly.

"Yeeeah, but Father's Day is coming up. I wanna do something special for him!"

Harkat sighed.

"Maybe...you did not...hear me. Mr. Crepsley...doesn't..need-"

"I know." Darren cut him off dismally, shuffling his feet. "But... I always got my dad a tie for Father's Day and he always wore it! Even if it had frogs on it, he wore it because it was from me."

"Mr. Crepsley isn't...your real dad." Harkat pointed out.

Darren's bottom lip trembled dangerously.

"Forget I...said that." said Harkat quickly. He smiled in his special way, and put his funny grey hand on Darren's shoulder. "Let's make a plan...and give Mr. Crepsley...the best Father's...Day ever!"

###

The Next Day...

"Ah. That was three hours and forty-five minutes well spent." Larten declared as he turned off the TV. He'd just watched the extended version of his favourite documentary: Webs Across The Globe: A World Run By Spiders. He had just enough time to run upstairs and re-fill his nacho bowl before Tarantula started. It was Spider Week on the Discovery Channel, and he was absorbing every glorious, webby second of it - because tomorrow was the beginning of Shark Week and if Mika and Arrow had anything to say about it, he wouldn't even be allowed to think about changing the channel.

On his way to retrieve the nachos, he crossed paths with Arrow, who was sporting axel grease stains on every limb, and his face. Mika trailed behind him, lugging a bag of vehicle magazines, where he'd meticulously circled and X'd the best and worst trucks.

"Mika. Arrow. If either of you see Darren, tell him to immediately report to the TV room. He must learn to watch Tarantula without crying and wetting himself." Larten ordered.

"1 day 7 hours 26 minutes and 14 seconds till Shark Week!" was Arrow's response.

"Yeah, we'll send the poor kid down for mandatory Tarantula Torture." said Mika. "Gods, does Darren know he's a Prince? I mean, we did make that pretty clear, right?"

"Darren could be the Supreme Emperor of the Universe for all I care. No assistant of mine will wet his trousers upon the sight of a superimposed arachnid!" Larten scoffed, marching past them without another word.

"I think Darren's in his room." Mika noted.

"Well let's hurry up and find him, my rims are overdue for their tri-weekly polish." said Arrow.

"Snacks first?" Mika protested, leaning towards the kitchen, in the direction Larten had just gone.

"Snacks first." Arrow agreed.

###

When Larten stepped into the kitchen, his first suspicion was that there was someone negotiating with a bloodthirsty murderer inside.

"But...but you don't understand...no...no...NO! PLEASE! I'll do ANYTHING! Anything you want! Just...PLEASE!" came a frantic voice from the corner.

Larten stiffened, grabbed a kitchen knife and advanced like a fearless soldier... only to see Paris Skyle curled up on the floor, leaning on the fridge with both hands clamped around his phone.

"I'll give you whatever you want...I just need an iPad 2!" he whimpered pathetically. "I don't understand what worldwide shortage means! That's the same bullshit they gave me when I tried to order one last Christmas! I refuse to believe the global supply of iPad 2's is simply-" click "-gone. HOW DARE YOU HANG UP ON ME? I AM A VAMPIRE PR-"

"Paris, are you quite alright?" Larten inquired apprehensively, setting the knife back down on the counter. The ancient Prince rolled over on his back and stared up at the ceiling through glassy eyes, moving his lips with no sound coming out.

"WHO'S KILLING PARIS?" Arrow roared, galloping through the door in full-on battle mode.

"PREPARE TO SUFFER." Mika added venemously, looking around through narrowed eyes.

"False alarm." Larten informed them. "He is merely having difficulty locating a...what now?"

"iPad 2." Paris croaked. "With... iOS 4.3...and built-in A5 processor... back-camera... and..." he sobbed "-f-f-face time!"

"Aww, c'mon." said Arrow gently, patting his shoulder. "You got one last Christmas, can't you make do with that till they make more number 2's?"

" 'Make more number 2's...' " Mika snickered.

"Mika, NO POOP JOKES RIGHT NOW!" Arrow lectured. "What do ya say, Paris? Can the good ol' number one get you through a few more weeks?"

Paris fixed Arrow with the dirtiest stare if his life.

"iOS 4.3, Arrow. Does that mean nothing to you?" he sighed dismally, burying his face in his hands.

Larten shrugged and wandered off. Mika and Arrow exchanged a thoughtful look.

Eventually, Paris dragged himself off the floor and crashed on the couch, where he watched the iPad 2 commercial again and again and again. His fellow Princes gave up trying to cheer him, and pursued their next mission.

Mika and Arrow live under a Why-Bother-Knocking policy. So when they barged into Darren's room, the boy Vampire and the Little Person had no time to hide the 23 ties strewn all over the room, the extremely tangled kite, the enormous La-Z-Boy chair, the football equipment, or the industrial-sized barbecue.

They all stared at each other for a second. Blink, blink.

"I can explain." Darren squeaked.

"No, wait. Lemme figure this one out on my own..." Mika mused. "Ties...football...kite...chair...barbecue... ties...chair...kite...barbecue... I know it can't be Christmas because there's no glittery shit. Not Valentine's cuz there's no pussy colours. Oooh, I know. It's Halloween. You're dressing as a tie-wearing chair-testing burger-eating football player?"

"No!" Darren yelped.

"Hmmm... we're kinda running out of human holidays that we haven't already tried..." Mika scratched his head.

"Dumbass, it's clearly Superbowl Sunday! He's got ties in all the right colours, a new barbecue for the munchies, a new chair since Seba dropped the old one on the stakes, and football stuff so we can re-enact the whole game! I just don't know what the kite is for..." Arrow pondered.

"Nooo." Darren groaned, facepalming.

"Um... is it Hannukkah?" Mika offered.

"No. It must be my birthday!" Arrow burst out excitedly. "I like barbecues. I like fun chairs. I like football. I can strangle Kurda with the ties. I don't fly kites though... But you got four outta five Darren. Nice job."

"Your birthday's in September." Mika, Harkat, and Darren commented simultaneously. Arrow's face fell.

"It's not a big holiday, guys. Don't worry. I'm not gonna drag you into any crazy shit this time. It's just something I'm doing because I want to." Darren replied tiredly, running his hand through his hair.

"Just tell us. You know we're gonna pry it out of you anyway." said Mika ominously, sitting down on the bed and getting comfortable. Arrow took to the chair and reclined it as far as it would go.

"Might as...well. Maybe they...can help." Harkat suggested.

"Wait, lemme get this straight. It's like pulling teeth when I try to get you to do something fun on the holidays. But when I actually want to be left alone, you want to get involved?" Darren demanded in frustration.

"That sounds about right." said Arrow, nibbling a fingernail.

"Well...I do need help carrying this stuff." Darren sighed. "Okay, tomorrow is Father's Day, and I wanna do father-son stuff with Mr. Crepsley. Do your laughing now and get it over with."

"We're not laughing!" said Arrow with wide-eyed innocence. Beside him, Mika clapped his hand over his mouth to suppress a snigger.

"Okay, maybe a bit. But it's a nice idea!" Arrow added.

"Really? You don't think it's too cheezy?" Darren asked hopefully.

"We think it's totally and completely too cheezy." said Mika kindly, putting a hand on Darren's shoulder.

"But it's the...thought that...counts." said Harkat, climbing up on the bed beside Darren and giving him a hug. "And we...support you."

"Okay then." said Darren, pleasantly suprised. "Let's make the perfect Father's Day!"

###

Harkat quickly reported to Larten that Darren had a violently contagious case of the mumps, and the four of them were left free to coordinate the perfect Father's Day. Harkat and Darren spent the remainder of the day making "#1 DAD" banners, while Mika and Arrow were on burger patrol. They spent 3 hours rummaging through every fridge in the mountain, digging for the perfect Larten Burger - had to be medium thickness, and no bigger than a spread-out hand, fresh grade-AAA beef only, and medium-rare once cooked. They found combination of all three pre-requisites, so they simply grabbed whatever they could find and tossed it into the bag.

"Think Crepsley will have a cow when he eats this? Pun completely intended." Mika pondered as they lugged their bounty up to Darren's room to be stowed in is miniature fridge until the time was right for cooking.

"Pffft. He won't be able to tell the difference. Just don't tell Darren we're out of the good burgers, or he'll do something stupid like run out and butcher the first animal he sees." Arrow suggested.

They rounded the corner into Darren's room and made a beeline for the fridge, stuffing the burgers inside. The abundance of burgers was too great for the small fridge to handle, so a bit of duck tape was required to keep the door shut.

"K, Dar. Got the burgers, now we're gonna go put new whips on the Essie. See ya in a bit." Arrow concluded as he and Mika turned to leave without a backwards glance.

But it was not Darren who replied.

"Omg guys... did you take one second to count the calories on those things?"

The Princes did a neck-breaking double-take.

Kurda Smahlt was sitting cross-legged on Darren's bed in the corner of the room, trimming his nails.

"You're getting nails all over the bed! Disgusting." Mika greeted him grimly.

"What're you doing here? And where's Darren?" Arrow demanded.

"I went to ask him if I could borrow his nail clippers cuz you stepped on mine and broke them last week, remember?" Kurda shot back in a catty tone. "But before I could even say 'nail clippers' he just totally freaked and was like-" (Kurda put on his very best Stressy Darren imitation voice) "Godsdammit Kurda I am much too busy to deal with your nonsense and total gorgeousness, go do whatever the fudgesicles you want."

"I'm like totally guessing Darren didn't actually say total gorgeousness or fudgesicles. But whatevs." Arrow snorted sarcastically. "Seriously, where'd he go?"

"I dunno, but you made me trim my nail at a skeezy angle! I look like Marilyn Manson now!" Kurda wailed.

"If you don't shut up I'll make you trim your hair till you look like Dr. Phil." Mika snapped.

"Ohhh nooo, I don't have the facial structure for that AT ALL!" Kurda whimpered.

"Let's just go find Darren before someone gets hurt." Arrow instructed. "Knowing that kid, he's probably so overwhelmed with daddy issues he's about to throw himself on the stakes."

"Oooh, daddy issues. Lindsay Lohan has those." Kurda noted studiously. "Waaait. Does this mean Darren gets to go to rehab? Did Darren go to rehab without me? OHMYGODS HE'S IN REHAB WITHOUT ME! NOT EVEN FAIR!"

"...Your brain should be studied." Mika huffed. "Let's get outta here, bro."

"We can't leave him here." Arrow gestured at Kurda. "He'll tell the whole freakin' mountain what we're up to, and it'll get back to Crepsley, and Darren will cry. And that would be bad."

Mika grumpily nodded in agreement.

"Okay, Kurda. I want you to listen to me, very carefully." said Arrow slowly and gently. "We're playing a game, and it's called Who Can NOT Talk To Mr. Crepsley Till Tomorrow? It's really fun. I think you could win, you just have to come with us and help with a few things."

"And if you win, you get a bottle of that limited-edition John Frieda Blondification Bomb Blasting spray." Mika added. Arrow shot him a funny look.

"What? He's been talking about it non-stop, everyone knows that. It's incentive so he keeps his stupid mouth shut." the dark Prince defended.

Arrow smiled. Mika would never ever admit that he was far from hating Kurda's blonde guts. Mika knew the blonde just as well as he knew Arrow. They just had... a different sort of friendship?

But shockingly, Kurda wasn't buying it.

"I don't believe you." the slim Vampire commented icily.

"And why's that?" Mika exasperated.

"Beeecause. Every time you promise to give me something awesome to get me to do something for you, I do it, and then you take a bottle of something I already have, and add water so it's full. Or like, give me a shirt I already own and rip off the tags or paint a different label on it. I'm not dumb. I'm deciding when you're gonna pay up. I have a list of every time you've screwed me over right here on my PinkBerry." Kurda chriped happily. "Plus also, I know you're up to something, cuz when you're nice to me, that means you have a secret. It gets on my pet peeves when you do that." he finished seriously.

Mika's jaw dropped to the floor. Arrow snickered.

"Well, Kurda. That's an excellent point." Mika finally stated, completely flabbergasted. "Tell ya what, if you help us set up for this Father's Day thing and do one of your stupid decoration arrangements for the picnic table, and don't say a single word to Larten, I'll pay you back for all of it."

"You look skeezy. You're lying." Kurda pointed out. "Skeezy is my word of the day."

"I'm not skeezy, this is how my face naturally looks!" Mika groaned. "And why do I have to pay you back? Do you realize how much stress you cause me? I've already found FOUR gray hairs! FOUR! Because of YOU!"

"You are almost 280..." Arrow mumbled.

"You like, brought this upon yourself by being a mean grumpypants." Kurda lectured. "If you just accepted the fact that you need a makeover, I'd be happy to re-colour those evil little gray beasts for you."

Mika instictively lunged to wrap his hands around the blonde's neck, but was intercepted by Arrow.

"O-kay. Time for time-out." the older Prince informed them gently.

"You're supposed to be on my side! Help me strangle him!" Mika persisted, struggling against Arrow's grip on his arms. "Who are you and what have you done with my bro?"

Kurda stuck his tongue out and waggled his fingers.

"Mika, go figure out the barbecue. Kurda, you decorate. I'm going to help Darren and Harkat with the food. Behave." Arrow ordered, exiting the room. Mika stormed out of another door, leaving Kurda in silence.

The blonde knew he'd won. Anyone else probably would have laughed manically, but Kurda chose to put together a decoration scheme instead.

###

Several weeks ago, Darren had discovered an outcropping of rock near the bottom of the mountain that made a perfect porch. He'd ordered a DIY sliding screen door off eBay, and installed it with a whole lot of duck tape (once he realized he couldn't lift the heavy-duty rock drill he'd ordered along with the screen). Rather than ask Mika or Arrow for assistance, he put his brain and his taping skills to work, and then there you had it. Vampire Mountain had its' very own porch. There had also been a set of wooden steps installed, leading down to the ground where the grass was short. Darren had brought in professional help for that one, but the professional had not been seen since he took a break to search for a bathroom, and went wandering down the Guardians of the Blood's hall. The work hadn't been finished, so the last three steps had been completed by Darren and his duck tape. The steps lead down to the front of the garage, making Vampire Mountain homier than ever.

On the porch would be the picnic and gift-giving. Down the stairs would be the football game.

Darren's Do-It-Yourself picnic table kits arrived half an hour after the barbecue had been set up.

The set up of said barbecue had been extremely grevious, and had caused several minor abraisons on Darren's face, arm, chest, and knee, as well as leaked gasoline and a stray lighter which caused a second-degree burn in the middle of his neck. He had screamed abundantly, and Harkat had come galloping over to shut him up so that Larten would not be alerted to their activities.

But screams and burns aside, the whole place looked quite pleasant. The "#1 DAD" banners had been strung around the railings and hung in the doorway like a curtain. The barbecue was set in the corner, and the two picnic tables were spread in the center. On each was a vase of "manly flowers" as Kurda put it - also known as weeds. He'd raided the garden and ripped out the least feminine things he could find once Harkat had persuaded him that not everyone was fond of pansies. Kurda didn't understand, but did as he was told nevertheless, and the arrangement looked nice, in a weird, rugged way.

Mika and Arrow were standing careful guard by the barbecue, sizzling a dozen burgers to juicy perfection. Harkat was sitting on the picnic table, holding a neat, gift-wrapped box.

"When's he gonna get here?" Darren wailed. "Harkat, you did ask him, right?"

"Just like we...practiced: Oh, hello...Mr. Crepsley. Would you...be interested...in attending...a lunch meeting...on the porch...today? We are gathering...to discuss...our new...Mountain Spider...breeding plan." Harkat recited.

"You said those exact words?" Darren questioned.

Harkat nodded.

"So why is he late?" Darren whimpered. "Ohmygods. Someone must have let it slip. WHO LET IT SLIP?"

"Our lips were sealed." Arrow shrugged, flipping a burger.

"Mountain Spider breeding plan? Of all the cover stories you could have concocted..." Mika shuddered in disgust.

"If that doesn't get Crepsley out here, nothing will." said Arrow determinedly.

"But why isn't he-" Darren began shrilly.

"There!" Harkat interrupted, pointing as the screen door slid open and Larten Crepsley stepped onto the deck, carrying a briefcase and a large box.

"So sorry I am late." the orange-haired Vampire apologized, setting his supplies on the table.

"No problem at all! I'm just so glad you came!" Darren replied earnestly, with a hint of expectancy as he waited for Larten to notice the #1 DAD banners.

"A curious decoration set-up..." Larten noted, looking around. Darren went pale. "...but the burgers smell most excellent. Mika, Arrow - I trust you know I like them medium rare."

"We totally knew that." Arrow lied awkwardly. It had been Darren that informed them of Larten's taste in burgers.

Kurda delicately poured lemonade while Mika plopped a burger on each plate. Arrow shot Darren a comforting look, but the boy's eyes were so buggy he was incapable of seeing anything but how his mentor had absolutely no clue how much effort Darren had put into this.

"If everyone could wait for several minutes before we begin the meeting, Seba will be arriving momentar- ah, here he comes now." said Larten primly.

"BY CHARNA'S ROTUND RUMP, WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS ABOMINATION DOING, ASSAULTING OUR HALLOWED HALLS? REMOVE IT AT ONCE!"

Sure enough, Seba had just walked directly through the screen door and was now running in circles, clawing at the bits of screen that had become attached to his limbs.

Paris lumbered in behind Seba with bloodshot eyes and an expression like someone who'd just walked out of a very grim war. Clearly he wasn't having any luck obtaining an iPad 2. He pulled the screen off of Seba, sat down, and syetematically ripped it to shreds.

"That screen was expensive..." Darren groaned.

"It doesn't matter anymore..." Paris murmured dully. "Life is not worth living without iOS 4.3."

"When I was your age, we did not have all manners of odd accessories for doorways, we simply walked through without the help of lifting latches or sliding these abominable webbed designs!"

"Screens are good, Seba. They keep the fresh air in and the bugs out." Darren sighed tiredly.

"When I was your age, fresh air was a luxury for the overpriveleged, and bugs were supper." Seba muttered.

"I would like to officially call this meeting to order." said Larten excitedly, standing up and holding his box aloft. "I am thrilled and astounded that you have all taken such interest in enriching the diversity of our resident arachnids."

Mika shivered and shuffled down to the farthest corner of the picnic table.

"I have taken it upon myself to divise the premiere step of our new refinement plan, and I would like to introduce to you my hand-selected candidates for the first breeding of the new system!"

Then, Larten opened the box and all hell broke loose. Needless to say, the box contained a handful of spiders, who immediately began crawling out of their container in search of freedom. Mika took one look at the advancing arachnids and hid beneath the picnic table, and Kurda did the same. Harkat climbed Arrow's leg and clawed his way up to the Prince's shoulders, where he sat comfortably and observed the spiders from afar. Darren and Larten tried to gather the little beasts. Seba went into a "When-I-Was-Your-Age-Spiders-Were-Food-Not-Friends" rant. And Paris just sat there, devoid of emotion.

Just when Larten thought he had the spiders secure once again, a particularly audacious little female decided to drop down through the slats of the picnic table and hover directly between Mika and Kurda's noses.

The dark Prince and the golden General screamed at a louder volume than someone being dropped on the stakes, and scrambled to their feet so fast they forgot they were under a picnic table. The table flew 10 feet into the air, and crash-landed on the barbecue. The pile of wreckage was flaming in one second, and a pool of gasoline slowly crept outwards from the mess.

'"IT'S GONNA BLOW!" Arrow hollered. He'd seen enough Jackass episodes to guess how this would end.

It was like a slow-motion Die Hard movie scene.

Arrow threw Harkat through the door, and then went back to help everyone get to safety.

Seba hesitated before going back through the screen door, but Larten shoved him mightily with one hand while clinging to the box of spiders with the other.

Paris simply stood there staring at the rising flames with an expression of misery, until Darren grabbed his hands in a death grip and hauled him back into the mountain.

And Mika literally lifted the kicking and screaming Kurda and sprinted back inside, just as the previously pleasant little porch was completely obliterated, along with the Father's Day supplies. Even the luxury La-Z-Boy didn't live to be unwrapped.

The terrified Vampires hit the floor, felt a blast of heat, a shower of rubble, and then...silence.

"Are...we...alive...?" Harkat gulped eventually.

Darren lifted his head as much as he could; Larten was partially lying on top of him and Seba, shielding them from the blast. Mika was shielding Kurda and Paris likewise, while Arrow held onto Harkat.

"Yeah...yeah we are." the half-Vampire shuddered.

"Has anyone sustained a severe burn?" Larten inquired, getting up and giving Darren a hand.

"I'm 'kay." Kurda sniffled, standing up and hugging himself. "Ohh, Mika. You have an ouch."

"Yeah...yeah, I really do." Mika grunted, failing to mask his pain. He rotated his neck to catch a glimpse of a big, painful graze on his back where he'd apparently been hit by part of the exploding barbecue.

"Ohmygods." Darren yelped. "We gotta take care of that."

"I'm fine." Mika huffed, getting up and swaying slightly on his feet.

"You are sooo not." Kurda insisted, grabbing his arm. Arrow took the other, and they supported him up the stairs, down the hall, and into the living room where Mika crashed face-down on the couch. Arrow turned on the Discovery Channel to distract Mika with some Shark Week specials, and Kurda plumped a little pillow which he wedged under the injured Prince's head. Darren fetched the first-aid kit, and Harkat made Slushies for everyone.

"Kay...according to Google, you just gotta put a lot of o-oi-in-" Kurda tried to pronounce.

"That'd be ointment." Arrow clarified.

"Yeah, that. And then bandage it to minimze scarring. Cuz nooobody wants a big icky scar down their back."

"I WANT A SCAR!" Mika interjected, shooting his head up to look around.

"You lucky bastard. The last thing that scarred me was the fancy border scissors." Arrow complained.

"I know...chicks dig...scars." said Harkat with a huge smile as he went to work spreading ointment on Mika's back. "But I'll patch...you up...anyway."

"Hmmph." Mika sighed without any real attitude as he laid his head back down and watched Jaws.

"We're outta Cars and Spongebobs." Kurda added, digging through the colourful band-aid collection. "Mika, dya want Disney Princesses, or Spiderman?"

"No Spiders, don't even say that word. This is all their fault. I'll take the friggin' Princesses." the impatient patient responded gruffly.

Kurda looked beyond delighted, and sorted out the Princess band-aids which Harkat then carefully applied. All 15 of them - it was a very big wound.

"Now... lots of rest." Dr. Harkat ordered. "Drink lots...and I don't mean alcohol! No crazy...stunts. And no...playing with vehicles."

Mika whimpered something indecipherable and pressed his face into the pillow.

Darren was sitting on the other end of the couch, next to Mika's feet. He had been extremely quiet until then, suddenly burst out:

"I'M SO SO SORRY GUYS! ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS MAKE IT A SPECIAL DAY BUT THEN EVERYTHING GOT OUT OF CONTROL LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES, AND WE ALMOST BLEW UP! GUYS I'M SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M GONNA LEARN THAT WE JUST CAN'T DO HUMAN HOLIDAYS!" the poor boy then buried his face in the back of the couch and screamed.

"My gods Darren, pull yourself together!" Larten demanded. "What is this about a human holiday? It was a meeting regarding spider breeding, was it not?"

"Of course not." Darren sniffled pathetically. "I knew that was the only thing that'd get you to come outside... Today is..." -snuffle, snort, gulp- "F-f-f-father's D-day!"

"Father's Day?" Larten repeated curiously.

"It's a day...where kids show their dads...how much they appreciate and...and...and..."

"And?" Larten pried with a hint of gentleness.

"LOVE them!" Darren howled, burying his face once more. "I just wanted...to show you...you're like a dad to me! I wanted to barbecue and play football and fly kites and have father-son moments because I miss my dad so much, and I f-f-feel like I'm forgetting what having a d-d-dad feels like, a-and I just.. I just..." And he became too consumed with tears and hyperventilation to continue any further.

Larten turned around and shot a What-Have-You-Done look at Mika and Arrow.

"I cannot believe you would get involved with something like this again, you know how he gets." Larten shot at them. "You should not have assisted him in creating yet another grand scheme, they all end in the same way!"

"You're missing the point!" Mika protested.

"This isn't about scheming and decorating and barbecuing!" Arrow added. "Darren genuinely adores you, he looks up to you even though you treat him like your little-"

"Bitch." Mika snickered.

"I was going to say pet, but yeah! He's your bitch but he loves you anyway! You are a father to him, whether you realize it or not." Arrow scolded, sounding much more like a big brother and much less like his usual big-truck-fiend exterior.

"And he just... tried to show you... in the only way... he knows how." Harkat added.

Larten looked from Mika to Arrow to Harkat, over to Seba who was digging fiercely in his ear, to Paris who was rocking back and forth, and Kurda who was picking dirt from his pinky nail, then down at Darren who still had his face plastered into the couch.

Then the orange-haired Vampire sat down slowly on the couch between Mika and Darren, and leaned in close to his sniffling assistant.

"Darren..." he murmured. "You remember the hat you gave me two Christmases ago?"

"Number-One Dad? Yea." Darren gulped half-hopefully.

"Well..." Larten blushed slightly, but plowed onwards. He gently set his hand on Darren's small shoulder. "As you know, I do not generally care much for posessions, however that particular hat is very special to me... I have no shame in admitting that I sleep with it, because it brings a smile to my face and warmth to my soul."

"No shame in admitting? Take a look at your face! You're redder than your hair." Mika chuckled. Arrow smacked him upside the head, but he too seemed on the verge of laughter.

Darren's jaw dropped to the floor and his eyebrows elevated as he slowly unpeeled his face from the couch fabric.

"D-d-do you...really?"

"Every night." Larten replied somberly. "Darren, I realize I can be incredibly hard on you, but you must know that I simply try to make you what I couldn't be myself. I just want to get you started on a path to the greatest life you could possibly have, since it is my fault you could not live a normal one as a human."

"Mr. Crepsley..." Darren sighed with a tired smile. "We're from a Freak Show, we saved a city from a crazy-ass Vampaneze, we made the journey here, I passed 3 out of 5 Trials of Initiation-"

"Pansy." Mika smirked.

"-I've fought insane wild animals and hordes of Vampaneze and underground rivers and survived, I've lived with wolves, I've travelled the world, I'm a freaking Vampire Prince with a Cadillac Escalade and I don't even shave yet. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to stay a human, but then I look around... I wouldn't change anything about my life, and I wouldn't be here without you. You're the best dad a kid could ask for." Darren concluded with a huge grin, wrapping his arms around a very shellshocked Larten Crepsley.

"I love you too, Darren." the mentor admitted finally, returning the hug after a few tense seconds.

Mika and Arrow glanced at the embraced pair, then up at each other.

"Paris... we have to tell you something too." Mika offered, looking at the depressed Prince in the corner.

"Speak now and then let me get back to mourning." the old man sighed miserably.

"Well... we just wanted to say, how much we appreciate your prescence in our lives, cuz... y'know you pretty much raised us. We wouldn't be us without you." said Arrow sincerely.

"You taught us all the important stuff, like how to be honourable and all that crap..." Mika added.

"You taught us right from wrong, how to never give up, never step away from a fair fight and how to judge when to back down. You made us strong. It's not a coincidence that we're both Princes - you made us like you." Arrow continued.

Paris stared up at the two young Princes with a look of slight curiousity.

"We love you." Mika concluded, with a softer expression than anyone had ever seen on him. "Thanks for being our dad."

"What happened to let's keep it manly?" Arrow muttered.

"Shut up." Mika grumbled. "Well, Paris... this is from us to you. Happy Father's Day."

And he reached behind the TV and withdrew a thin, square package...

Paris accepted the package with a deadpan expression, and wordlessly tore into the wrapper. Mika and Arrow watched with pure childlike excitement...

Paris stared down at the gift in his hand for a full five minutes, deaf to his friends' hopeful comments. Then he set it down on the couch, walked out to the kitchen, and had a complete mental breakdown. Judging by the sounds, there were chairs being kicked and the fridge door was opened and slammed repeatedly, while shrill, indecipherable screams pierced the air.

"He's so happy!" Mika grinned. He and Arrow shared a fistbump.

"WHERE DID YOU GET IT?" Paris screeched, speeding back into the room and scooping up his brand...new...iPAD 2. "HOW? HOW? HOW DID YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ACCOMPLISH THIS? THEY TOLD ME WORLDWIDE SHORTAGE! LAST CHRISTMAS I ONLY GOT ONE BECAUSE WE SAVED SANTA CLAUS! HOW DID YOU GET THIS?"

Arrow casually picked at a fingernail. "It was easy...once we got Steve Jobs's personal phone number and told him our dad worships him and is pretty much suicidal and insufferable without his iPad... he totally understood, so he express-shipped his very own iPad 2 right over to us! See, he even signed it for you. Right there by the 15-megapixel-back-camera..."

Paris took one look at the signature and had to leave the room again. Once he had contained his emotions, he casually wandered back in and hugged Mika and Arrow till their eyes bulged.

"I ADORE YOU MORE RIGHT HERE IN THIS MOMENT THAN THE NIGHT OF YOUR INVESTITURE, I HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER AGAIN BE THIS PROUD OF YOU!"

"Okay man...that's good...go download your iOS and install your apps. They're waitin for ya." said Arrow gently, patting an awestruck Paris on the back.

"That's the beauty of it, my dear boy! The iOS 4.3 comes previously installed! And I don't have to install the apps, I can transfer them directly from my iTunes! Oh glorious day!" Paris squeaked, tears running down his cheeks as he cradled his new metallic baby.

"I still do not understand how that contraption is any different from the one he already has..." Larten muttered.

"iOS 4.3 makes all the difference, apparently." Mika shrugged.

Paris didn't hear any of this, he was currently caressing his iPad 2...and he hadn't even gotten around to turning it on yet.

"Erm, while we are on the topic of fatherliness..." Larten cleared his throat awkwardly. "Seba... I know you do not have much taste for presents as you frequently believe there are explosives or sabotage items hidden inside them, also I had no preparation time, therefore I do not have a tangible gift for you... but I would like you to know that you have been an excellent father figure in my life for all the time I have known you, and I care about you a very great deal."

With that, the orange-haired Vampire advanced upon his mentor and awkwardly put his arms around him in a semblance of a hug. Seba darted his eyes surpiciously at Larten, and down at the pair of arms that were wrapped around him. Then he relaxed slightly and accepted the embrace, arms hung at his sides.

"That's how...Seba hugs." Harkat commented.

"Uhmm k... speaking of hugs..." Kurda began, shuffling his feet. "Hey Mika...I know we kinda don't really ever get along... I mean, I think you're pretty much the coolest dude since Perez Hilton, but I sorta don't get a friendly vibe from you 99 percent of the time... and the other 1 percent is just when you're sleeping... but anyway, you totally saved my life today, if that ouchy pokey sharp thing had hit me instead of you, it probably woulda cut me in half, y'know, cuz of my baby soft skin. But you're so big and tough, it only gave you a scratch. But it's a big scratch, and I know it hurts real bad, so I just wanted to give you something to say that I love having you as my big brother even though you think I'm a waste of oxygen. Plus also, because you saved my perfect skin from getting mutilated, Imma delete my whole list of stuff you owe me, k?"

"Ummm... K." Mika croaked, completely mindblown. "Damn, Kurda. Are you for serious?"

"For super serious." The blonde bobbed his head. "We're even, k? Just don't throw my stuff on the stakes anymore, k?"

"Deal." Mika agreed with a bemused smile. "C'mere, Kurda."

Kurda sat down on the couch beside his friend, and recieved the biggest hug of his life - the first one that Mika had ever initiated.

"Kurda, don't ever be fooled by the death threats and the strangulation and the destroying of your stuff... I love having you as my little sis- I mean, brother too." said Mika peacefully. "And if you ever tell anyone I said that, say goodbye to your favourite Chanel bag. And yes, I know which one's your favorite." he added as an afterthought.

"And if you touch my bags, I'll put waterproof makeup on while you sleep, and I'll make sure you never see a drop of makeup remover as long as you live." Kurda retorted.

"Gotta love you." Mika smirked.

"I love love love everyone." Kurda babbled. "Heeey Arr, get in here and spread the looove!"

"What the hell." Arrow shrugged, crashing down on top of them, ignoring Mika's yelp of pain regarding his back.

"Happy Father's Day!" Harkat wheezed happily, shoving Seba from behind so that he and Larten fell on Darren, who was already squashed into Mika, Arrow, and Kurda. Paris (toting his iPad 2) gleefully jumped onto the pile, taking pictures with his exciting new back-camera.

So, it certainly hadn't been like any Father's Day Darren had ever experienced in his human days, but then again, despite his best efforts... he hadn't exactly been expecting it. If there was one thing he'd learned from his time in Vampire Mountain, it was that A) an explosion or a similar catastrophe doesn't necessarily have to ruin a day. And B) hugs are few and far between, so enjoy them while they last.

And this one...awkwardness, half-dried tears, band-aids, iPads and all, this one lasted.

###

In fact, it lasted all the way through Jaws. Darren had fallen asleep with his head on Larten's shoulder, who in turn was leaning on Seba, who was also asleep and drooling. Paris was curled around his iPad, getting some real live Face Time - he'd put it to use as a pillow. Mika and Kurda were leaning on each other. Kurda was snoring lightly and Mika was watching TV out of droopy eyes. Arrow was curled up between Mika and Larten, with Harkat asleep on his lap like a puppy.

When the movie ended, the group slowly began to disentangle and un-wedge themselves from the couch.

"Such a classic." Arrow sighed blissfully.

"Tarantula is much more plausible." Larten grumbled.

"It could totally take Jaws in a fight!" Darren added eagerly.

"In your dreams. Arrow snorked. "Woah, only 5 more hours till Jaws 2 comes on. Mika, break out the emergency bacon. We're in this for the long haul."

"Can I watch the sharky too?" Kurda inquired drowsily, rubbing his baby blue eyes. "I didn't see this one, I fell asleep."

"No way you could handle Jaws 2, you'd cry and wet yourself." Mika shot back, out of habit.

Kurda gave him a duuuhhh look.

"Y'know, Mika... I haven't deleted that list yet. It's not to late for you to pay up."

Mika glared, then forced a smile.

"Ugh, k. What I meant to say, was absolutely. There's no time like the present to work through your crippling fear of sharks."

"Yay." Kurda declared. "Ooooh, Mika. I almost forgot to give you your Father's Day present!"

"I get a Father's Day present? I thought you were all pumped to be my bro, not my son."

"Well, you yell at me, and taught me about cool trucks, and let me watch grown-up movies. You're kinda dad-ish." the blonde shrugged. "You're the bestest family I have, so I got you something special. But we gotta take a walk to go see it, k?"

"K." Mika agreed, getting up from the couch with Arrow and Darren's assistance.

"Thanks again for protecting me." Kurda added softly, noticing Mika cringe as his wounded back flexed.

"Someone had to. Couldn't let you get shredded like a wet kleenex in a tornado." Mika grumbled. "Let's make this quick."

###

Kurda led the gang down to the garage.

"What are we doing down here, this is just the-" Mika began impatiently, but stopped short when Kurda swung open the door.

Parked between the Escalade and the Hummer was a brand-new, hulking, glittering, mega-crew-cab, dual-wheeled, 3500 jet-black Ram truck, with what appeared to be personalized liscence plates: VERLETH.

Mika very nearly had a reaction similar to Paris's iPad shock. He stammered incomprehensibly as he collapsed to his knees in front of the truck, and stared up at it. Kurda launched into an explanation:

"I know you loove helping Arrow pimp his ride, and I know you wanted your very own truck, and I know this is your fave, and I know you guys like doing custom work, so I didn't get a tricked-out one. I was thinking...maybe...you could show me how to put those cute little front grill thingies on? And maybe some pink whips? That'd be unreal." the blonde suggested hopefully.

The look on Mika's face was enough of an answer. Then he gasped,

"Kurda Smahlt, I freakin' love you, man."

"My dears Mika and Arrow, I love YOU for fulfilling my lifelong dream!" Paris wheezed.

"'Lifelong'? That thing came out 2 days ago." Arrow snorted. "But we love you too, Paris."

"Guys!" Darren gasped, checking the internet on his phone. "There's a Father's Day ShitMyDadSays marathon on right now! We have just enough time to watch it before Jaws 2!"

"Our version is better." Mika snickered.

"Let's start our newest episode right now." Arrow added, whipping out his camcorder and enabling Vampire Mode. "Hey, Seba... what do you think about this whole Father's Day deal?"

"The Day of Fathers..." Seba began thoughtfully. "...is not a complete abomination. However, it is extremely close. And the physical embracery could be done without. When I was your age, we did not go around hugging anything that stood still long enough. If we didn't hate each other, we showed it with a good, firm, handshake."

Then he turned and extended a hand to Larten.

"Put it there, you abomination of a son."

Larten did so, mouthing I love my dad! at the camera.

"We love our dad too!" Mika and Arrow chimed in, passing the camera to Darren so he could get a wide shot of the Princes putting their arms around Paris. He could not return the gesture (holding his iPad required both hands) but he grinned from ear to severed ear.

"I love my BRAHS!" Kurda squeaked, joining the embrace.

"That's 'bros' Kurda." Mika muttered.

"I love them...too!" Harkat added, piggybacking on Arrow's shoulders. Then Darren passed the camera up to him, for a high angle on himself as he shared a hug with his grinning orange-haired mentor.

"And I have the BEST dad EVER!" the boy Prince beamed as the camera zoomed in on them.

"There you have it." said Arrow, grabbing the camera once more and pointing it at himself. "A typical Vampire Mountain Father's Day."

"Dumbass, this is going on Youtube!" Mika scolded.

"Oh, right. Um... forget I said anything. Cheers from... Oklahoma!" Arrow grinned, making the V-sign before shutting the camera off.

"Oklahoma? It was Australia last week." Mika grumbled.

"Shut up and get in the picture!" Darren giggled, putting the camera on auto-timer and propping it on the giant toolbox that faced the three vampire vehicles. (Technically there were four, but the old UPS truck was not photo-worthy).

The photo was a keeper; Darren and Larten with their arms around each other's shoulders, sitting on the hood of the Essie. Seba leaned awkwardly on the side, with Larten's other hand on his shoulder. Beside them were Harkat and Arrow on the hood of the Hummer, grinning blissfully. Paris stood on the floor beside Hummer, with Arrow leaning down to wrap an arm around his shoulders. His face was partially obscured by the iPad, but the bit that was visible showed the happiest Vampire in 900 years. Mika stood on the ground with one arm around Paris and the other hugging his new truck and a dumbstruck smile on his face. Kurda posed on the hood like a model.

In all its tacky glory, the picture was destined to be a centerpiece in the Hall of Princes for the next thousand years... or at least till next Father's Day.

And if Darren had anything to say about it, no amount of exploding barbecues could keep him from flying his kite.

There you have it, Father's Day in Vampire Mountain. I really am running out of holidays to TVF'ify now...

I have an SNS update in the works, and also TVF5. Now that summer is here again, I might as well keep going on what was supposed to be a summer fic... *snigger*

I have an exam tomorrow, so I'm not sure what my chances of updating will be... but it IS the last one! The day after that is the third show of the season, but it's not just another show, this is the beginning of the big one. This is so important to me, it's my legacy show. My fam has been involved with this club since forever, and I've won High Point Overall every year I've been in the teen age division, hence I take this so seriously it scares people. I'm putting a surgery on hold until this season is over cuz I'm not sacrificing my chances for anything, I WILL NOT break my streak. Plus I have not one but TWO big shows to qualify for, which is causing me more than a bit of stress, maybe why I write stressy Darren so well...

Arrow: they call her the Horse Show Nazi...

*smacks Darren* I'm just explaining how this impacts my writing time because I'll be practicing like a nutcase and unable to focus on anything else during MHC weeks!

Mika: they're used to you vanishing off the grid by now, trust me.

Guys, the point is, I'm bad for updating in the summer but I really want this one to be different! So, just sayin... I'M GONNA TRY SO HARD, WHEN I CAN! :)

Darren: So... lemme get this straight. If you're not getting ready for a show, at a show, or getting wasted after a show... you'll be writing?

Well, you gotta leave time for swimming and shopping in there, AND Deathly Hallows part 8...OH OH AND TRANSFORMERS DARK OF THE MOON! ... but I'm gona write like crazy, I swear!

Larten: I am satisfied.

Well, that's a first. Anyway, Happy Father's Day to you, Mr. Creepy Crepsley :) and to all the other dads out there, have a great one. xoxoxoxo to you all!

Peace,Love,and Summer Days :)

RXP