Wraith Gifts
by Bil!

Rating: T (implied sexual situations)

Category: Angst, Romance, Humour, Episode addition.

Summary: He nearly died and she gave the order to let him die. John and Elizabeth try to deal with the after-effects of Common Ground. Sparky.

Season: Three.

Spoilers: Being an episode addition for Common Ground, mega spoilers for Common Ground. Go figure.

Disclaimer: If I owned them, the show would have been very different, with more sparky and less Lifeline. Therefore, clearly I do not own them!

A/N: This starts off as angst but ends up as humour. I always knew I was insane.

With the Wraith's 'gift of life' humming and fizzing in his veins even after he'd put up with all Carson's fussing and Rodney's questions, John was way too jazzed up to sleep. He'd sent Elizabeth and his teammates off to get some rest a while back but there was no way he was going to be able to follow their example; honestly, he didn't want to try. By dint of a great deal of coaxing, bribery, and outright blackmail he managed to get Carson to agree to set him free from the Infirmary temporarily (John suspected the doctor was just glad to get him out of his hair for an hour or two).

Seizing his chance at freedom, he went for a run, hoping to work off some excess energy. This adrenaline high reminded him too much of being hyped up on Carson's Wraith retrovirus and the sooner it was gone the happier he'd be. Unfortunately, the events of the past few days were definitely going to be classed with the memories of turning into a bug and shoved into the Just Don't Go There basket. That basket was getting way too full these days.

But as long as the Wraith's 'gift' gave him too much energy, along with a buzz that would have been pleasant if not for the source, there was no way he was going to be able to stop thinking about what had happened. About the Wraith draining him of life while Kolya looked on, about the Wraith giving back all it had stolen. About how it had spoken to him as an ally... as an equal.

It wasn't really a surprise when his feet took him to Elizabeth's door. Elizabeth was the only one who might understand the mixed up thoughts spinning through his head. Carson was too busy being baffled by the medical miracle and Rodney just kept complaining that John looked younger. As for Ronon and Teyla – not a chance. They'd try and all, but... The Wraith were the bogeymen of their childhood and the blood-enemy of their adulthood. This wasn't something that fit into that. At all.

Elizabeth opened the door promptly, out of uniform but still dressed. "I thought you might find your way here," she said with a faint smile, stepping back to let him in. The door closed behind him with a quiet swish, shutting out the rest of the world. "Does Carson know about this little expedition of yours or should I expect an angry call any moment now?"

"Nah, I've been let off the leash for a couple of hours. But even if I hadn't, you'd still hide me, right?"

She pressed her lips together, trying to hide a smile, but the amusement didn't quite light her eyes. They were going through the motions, pretending that today hadn't happened. "What kind of example would I be setting if I did that?"

"A good one?" He still had too much energy to be still, so as Elizabeth took a seat on the foot of her bed he fidgeted his way around the room, poking abstractedly at her possessions. "And just think, you'd be proving you'll protect your people from anything, even rabid doctors."

"I wouldn't let Carson hear you talking like that or you'll be spending a few extra days in the Infirmary."

"Yeah, but you won't tell on me, right?" He tried his best puppy-dog expression, though right now it was probably a puppy-dog-on-drugs expression.

"No, John," she said as he'd known she would.

"There, I'm safe then." He picked at a scuff mark on the window, rubbed at his chest with a knuckle, and then jittered his way around the room again.

Elizabeth watched him with opaque eyes. "I know you must be sick of this question by now, so I'll ask it just once and not again: How are you feeling?"

He picked up a weird carving from her desk and turned it over and over in his hands. "Great, considering. Better than great." The carving spun faster. "You know, it was crazy enough that they could take it away, but now I find out they can give it back too? It's insane! And when people talk about aging gracefully, I gotta tell you, that was not it. I could feel it all being sucked away and—" He cut himself off. "But now I've got it all back and it's like I can't sit still. Carson says my adrenaline levels are way up. I probably won't sleep for a week at this rate. Just run around the city. Round and round and round like a rat in a wheel. Until it wears off, anyway."

He'd made three circuits around the room while the words plunged out of his mouth without his control. Abruptly he put the carving down and turned to Elizabeth. "I think he called me brother." He hadn't admitted that to anyone. The others had been there and all but they hadn't really understood and even if they had he hadn't admitted it. Not even to himself.

Elizabeth was sitting very still, her hands folded in her lap, as if by being still she could take some of his restlessness from him. "Well," she said quietly, "you did save each other's lives."

He took a step towards her then stopped. "Was I wrong not to kill him?" The others thought he was, and only his insistence and the trust he'd earned from them over the years had made them go along with his plan. He hadn't killed Kolya and it had led to this. Should he have killed the Wraith? Had he made the wrong choice?

She met his eyes without hesitation. "No."

"He could have killed me. He had the chance. But we had a deal, so he didn't. So I couldn't."

He couldn't even begin to explain his tangled thoughts as to why, but it didn't matter because there was understanding in Elizabeth's eyes. "You made the right decision, John."

"You're not just saying that?" he checked. He knew she wasn't, Elizabeth wouldn't, but he needed to hear her say it.

"No, John, I'm not. We have to stay true to ourselves or we've already lost this war. You did what you had to do, the only thing you could have done." She gave a shaky smile. "And who knows, one of these days it might just save your life a second time."

"Or it could come back to bite us all on the ass." All bets are off. He started pacing.

"No, John, don't think like that." He stopped and turned to her as she stood and took three steps towards him, stopping an arm's length away and looking at him with eyes burning with intensity. "You made the right choice, the only choice. You wouldn't be you if you'd chosen to do things differently; it was what you had to do."

He relaxed for the first time since Kolya had captured him. She understood, she agreed, she believed in him. It was okay. Everything was okay. "The IOA aren't gonna like it," he said lightly, for the first time thinking of something other than his own reactions. He rubbed absently at his chest.

"It doesn't matter. I'll back you up, John." He'd never doubted it for a moment. "I'd back you up even if I disagreed with you," she added in an attempt at levity. "Since I agree with you, that makes it easy."

"Thanks," he said, meaning for so much more than just her words. She tried to smile at him and he realised she was shaking. "Elizabeth?"

Eyes narrowing, she lifted her chin. "What?" she asked sharply, daring him to comment.

He reached out to touch her arm. She was trembling like a leaf. "What're you—"

Jerking away from his touch, she turned and stepped over to her desk. "If that was all?" she asked in clear dismissal.

"Oh no you don't!" Following her, John pulled her round to face him, holding her by the shoulders so she couldn't pull away again. "Elizabeth," he insisted, "what's wrong?"

She crumpled like a piece of tissue paper, collapsing out of his grip into the chair and burying her face in her hands. John crouched in front of her, really worried now. He'd seen Elizabeth in despair before, but he'd never seen her so close to broken. She flinched away from his tentative touch as if it burnt. "Please, John, just go away."

Maybe he would have if her voice hadn't sounded so small and lost. He knew Elizabeth liked to keep her wounds to herself, though he wasn't sure if it was natural to her or something she'd decided a leader ought to do. But she wasn't his leader, she was his friend. "No. Elizabeth, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" She laughed without humour, lifting her head to look at him with blurred eyes. "What's wrong? God, John, I just ordered your death. I sentenced you to die. And you ask me what's wrong?"

"I didn't mean—"

"I ordered your death. Every time Kolya called I saw you slipping further and further away. If that Wraith hadn't—Dammit, John, I had to give the order to let you die and it damn near killed me!" Her knuckles were white, her hands balled into fists. "God, this is why the military has frat regs. I care too much about you – and your team," she added hastily. "I can't think straight when you..." She squeezed her eyes shut against the tears.

"You can't not feel!" John told her. "You can't pretend you don't have any emotions! You said it yourself, we have to stay true to ourselves or we've already lost."

She opened her eyes and looked at him. "This, today—John, this felt like I lost. And even now you're back I can't forget—"

"You did good today, Elizabeth, you were amazing." He clutched her hands, desperate to do something to take that lost look from her eyes. "You were incredible. So much better than me. I gave the impossible order and expected you to follow it. And you did." In her place... God, he'd been there, he knew he wasn't that strong.

"I heard you screaming. I heard—I can't stop hearing it. I would have done anything to make you stop."

"But you didn't." And he was so proud of her for that.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" She was still shaking, staring down at his hands wrapped around hers, and he wished he had the words to make everything right again.

"I never loved you so much as I did in the moment you looked Kolya in the eye and said No." Her head jerked up and she stared at him in blatant disbelief. John was almost as surprised; he hadn't ever really admitted his feelings to himself, just accepted them as a part of who he was. He certainly hadn't planned on admitting them to anyone else. But he couldn't regret saying it if it made her feel even slightly better. "I thought you were the smart one," he tried to tease. "Yeah, Elizabeth, I love you. No amount of frat regs could ever change that. It's not gonna stop me doing damn fool things and it's not gonna keep me alive, I can't promise you anything like that. But I love you and I'd rather have whatever you'll let me have than a life of safety. Even if Kolya had managed to kill me it would've been worth it to know you were safe. I was glad you didn't give in to him, and what you did today, it only made me love you more, not less."

She still stared at him, her hands stiff and still under his. "I never knew..."

"Then you really aren't as smart as I thought you were." She gave a watery chuckle. "But don't you dare beat yourself up about this, okay? You did what you had to do, you did the right thing, and I love you for it. If you're gonna hate anyone, hate Kolya. He's the one who set the whole thing up, he's the one who forced us into this. I can't even hate that damn Wraith because he was as much Kolya's victim as any of us. If you let this tear you apart you're just letting Kolya win. That's what he wants, he wants you to blame yourself. But I won't let you. It's his fault, it's all his fault."

Elizabeth pulled her hands away to rub at her face. "I still hear you screaming."

"But I'm still here." He put his hands on her knees, trying to force her to believe it. "I'm safe and healthy and Kolya didn't win. We beat him, Elizabeth, you and me together. We won."

She lowered her hands to look at him. Hesitantly, as if unsure whether he was really there or just a ghost, she reached out to trace the outline of his face, trailing her fingers over his features as if to commit every detail to memory while John closed his eyes, trying and failing to control his shiver at her touch.

When she whispered his name, her fingertips still resting feather-light on his cheeks, he opened his eyes. Elizabeth cupped his face in her hands, looking down at him with the shadows dark in her eyes. And she kissed him.

John almost lost himself in the sensation but managed somehow to pull back. "Elizabeth, we can't."

She kissed him again, desperate and demanding, and John forced himself not to give in. In other circumstances he would have but this was Elizabeth. He burned for her, and with the adrenaline high still gripping him it was like every fibre of his body was alive with need for her... but he loved her. This wasn't about him, it was about her, and he couldn't do this to her.

He held her off, hating the hurting dark in her eyes, and said shakily, "I can't take advantage of you. Not like this. Tomorrow you won't—"

"I don't give a damn about tomorrow."

"And that's why I have to." Because Elizabeth would and did and should. And even if she was hurting right now, tomorrow she would hate herself for giving in, hate him for taking advantage of her weakness.

"I love you," she blurted. "Dammit, John, I love you and I nearly killed you and I need to know that you're alive and this isn't just some dream that will be gone by morning. I need you." She leaned into his hands, her eyes pleading, and John swallowed hard, losing his tenuous grip on his self control. "John," she whispered, "please..."

This time it wasn't she who kissed him, they both moved together. John let his longing fuel her desperate need, making no objection when she pulled him to his feet and tugged him towards the bed. They fell onto the blankets and he covered her body with his to ensure she knew he was alive, to assure himself this was real.

Elizabeth lay on top of him like a heavy blanket, as if her weight could make him stay with her, keep him from vanishing like a dream, as if her physical presence was the only thing that could possibly make him real. And John was just fine with that because he was holding on to her to tell himself that he was alive, that there was no Wraith, no Kolya. No need to fear. Not when Elizabeth was there.

So he held her tightly, so tightly that she would have protested if she hadn't been doing her best to crawl under his skin, and he murmured into the darkness about fear and pain and shattered preconceptions. The words themselves didn't matter, all that mattered was that someone was listening to them. The sounds, not the meanings, were what mattered.

And she whispered back her own fears, her own nightmares, physical intimacy leading unhesitatingly into emotional intimacy as they tried to make sense of the day, as they struggled to believe that the horror was over and all was well.

Because it was well. It was. And if he held onto her tightly enough, if he closed his eyes and focussed on the sound of their voices, he might even believe it. If all that existed in his world was Elizabeth then maybe he could forget about his life draining out of him, about the lost loneliness, about losing everything that he was at the hands of a creature he couldn't even bring himself to hate.

The feeding mark blazed on his chest like a brand, fully healed somehow in the process of returning his life to him (and hadn't that got Carson excited) and now only a distinctive scar. Only a scar, but burning with the fire of what it meant, branding him. He hated it, what it stood for, what had been done to him. But Elizabeth brushed her fingers across it, tracing the raised lines, her touch gentle, and rested her cheek on it as if to draw the pain of it into herself. And it helped. It helped that she saw this mark, this branding of his experience, and wasn't revolted, didn't turn away.

"I'm sorry," she whispered and he shook his head because she had nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all.

"I knew you would come," he said, and he brushed away the tear that glittered on her cheek and read her awe at his faith. But didn't she know? she'd earned it, earned every bit of faith he had in her. He'd told the Wraith, over and over, that his friends would come – because they always came for him and he'd learned to never give up.

So they clung to each other and they spoke meaningless words that had so much meaning, and sleep didn't so much fall on him as waft him gently down into a peaceful dark where there were no nightmares, no horrors, just quiet, unalterable peace.

He woke some time in the shadow-deep dark to find her watching him, the pale oval of her face turned to him as her eyes stayed fixed on him. Though she was still in the bed she was as far away as she could get without falling out and he couldn't read her eyes through the shadows.

He wanted to reach out but wasn't sure if he was allowed to. "You okay?"

"You're here," she said simply, reaching out to touch his cheek as if to reassure herself of that fact. "You're alive." That seemed to be answer enough. She pulled her hand back. "I'm sorry, John, I should never have asked this of you."

He captured her hand, brought it to his lips. "I don't regret it. Do you?"

A slow smile began in her eyes, curled her mouth upwards as she brushed her fingers over his lips. "No."

"Then don't worry about it. In fact," he pulled her towards him, "if you've got enough energy that you can waste it on worrying, I can think of a much better use for it."

She laughed and rolled on top of him. "Oh, really?" she asked huskily.

As their lips met John knew things were going to be all right.

When John woke again the early morning sun was pulling faces through the stained glass windows and Atlantis was humming happily to herself in the background. His body ached quietly but in a good way that had nothing to do with aliens or torture, and the adrenaline buzz of yesterday was gone, replaced by what he would come to call an Elizabeth buzz. Even before he opened his eyes he knew where he was because the scent of Elizabeth surrounded him, making him smile. Not to mention the warm body pressed up against his. The nightmares of yesterday were washed away in the blissfulness of today. It didn't make everything fine, but it made everything bearable.

John sighed contentedly and opened his eyes. A vague memory of voices waking him faded with his dreams, unnoticed. Elizabeth lay in his arms, her face buried in his naked chest so that all he could see of her was curls. He kissed them and in her sleep she made a soft, happy sound and burrowed closer. Now this was a good way to wake up, he thought drowsily.

The hiss of an opening door seemed an odd addition to the morning's peace but wasn't nearly so intrusive as the sudden voice. "Elizabeth? Are you okay? Why aren't you answering—Oh."

John reluctantly lifted his head to see Carson standing in the doorway, staring blankly. His look of shock and disbelief was so comical John would have just about killed for a camera. The doctor took an uncertain step inwards, allowing the door to shut, and found his voice. "What're you—"

"Shh!" John whispered urgently. "You'll wake Elizabeth."

A voice still husky with the vestiges of sleep said "He's already woken Elizabeth." She lifted her head to press a kiss to John's jaw, then turned in the circle of his arms. "Carson, what are you doing in my room?" Her tone was pleasant, but even naked with bedhead she was still very much the leader.

"I knocked!" Carson defended himself hastily. "You weren't answering your radio and I was getting worried! so I used my medical override." He scowled at John. "As for you, you were supposed to return to the Infirmary hours ago."

"Oops," John offered lamely. "I forgot."

"Aye, I can see that. I have people looking for you all over the city and starting to get worried – and then when we weren't getting any response from you," he said to Elizabeth, "we started to get very worried."

John grimaced guiltily and knew Elizabeth was doing the same. "Carson," she said, starting to move.

"No! No, you stay right where you are! I don't want to see any more of you two than I already have."

Elizabeth couldn't control her chuckle any more than John could his, but she stopped moving, relaxing back into John and tucking the blanket more firmly under her chin. "Sorry, Carson."

"Oh, I'm sure you are," Carson said sardonically. "Just what'm I supposed to tell people?"

John leant his chin on Elizabeth's hair. "Good question."

"Tell them John came to my room to talk but he fell asleep and I didn't want to wake him, and then I fell asleep as well so neither of us heard anyone calling us. It's all perfectly true, if missing a few details. If people want to read more into it than is stated... Well, it won't be the first time and this time it would actually be true. Besides, I'm sure they'll catch on when I start spending all my nights in John's quarters."

Carson looked extremely uncomfortable. John grinned into her hair. "Nah, we'd be staying here. Your bed's bigger."

She laughed, and it was the best sound in the world because it meant she'd recovered from last night's breakdown. "I know it is. That's why I thought you'd prefer your room."

"Oh. Oh!" It was John's turn to laugh. "I like the way you think, Elizabeth. You're on."

Carson was now the colour of Elizabeth's favourite t-shirt. "I'll, uh, just leave you to work out the details."

"And get some clothes on," Elizabeth added helpfully, making him go even redder.

"Right," he managed to say. "Colonel, Infirmary, half an hour. Be there." His hasty exit was more reminiscent of a hounded rabbit than CMO of an Ancient city.

The two left behind laughed softly, Elizabeth turning back to face John. She seemed in no hurry to follow her own suggestion of getting dressed, only rested her head on the pillow and looked at him, a smile in her eyes. Tomorrow had arrived and it seemed she had no regrets.

John brushed a curl off her cheek. "Did you mean it?"

"Mean what? That I want to share your bed?"

"Well, that too, but..." He didn't want to actually ask it, that would be too much like begging.

There was understanding in her eyes. "Yes, John, I do love you. With all my heart."

Yesterday he'd been hurting and confused and today he'd never been happier. Strange what a difference a few hours could make. Or Elizabeth could make. "I never really thought I'd hear you say that."

"I never thought I'd say it," she said honestly.

He'd never seen quite that look in her eyes before, the warm, wondering light of affection and love that tightened the bond between them so that he couldn't help pulling her closer. He'd seen hints of it before, when she'd feared him dead or was laughing unrestrainedly at one of his jokes, but he'd never seen her so clearly let her barriers down. And he knew, smiling into her eyes now, that the barriers wouldn't go up again.

"I think I'll have to add that Wraith to my Christmas card list," he said thoughtfully. "He didn't just give me back my life, he gave me something way more important."

Elizabeth laughed, and kissed him.

As it turned out, John was rather late for his appointment in the Infirmary.

Fin.