Hello, children of FF! I am not dead, no, but to be honest I wasn't sure when the next update of this would be. Thank your lucky stars (or not, if you don't really care for this fanfic) that I got a new computer and haven't been able to install my graphic tablet yet so I decided to finish the latest chapter to kill time.

I'm sorry it must suck; I haven't written in so long, and it's crazy short. I think I originally intended for this to be a short chapter but I'm still ashamed of it anyhow, ahaha.

Big fat warning: Character death, gore, disturbing thoughts and actions, heavy Clyde bashing.

Disclaimer: Don't own South Park, Boards of Canada, or Xbox.
"Julia Martin" of the "Colorado Police" is made-up and any similarities to any real person is purely coincedental.
The phone numbers I made up were the first numbers I saw on the barcode of a tube of toothpaste, they're completely random and not real phone numbers (I hope).

Telephasic Workshop

Chapter 7: Wholly Wholly Wholly

'Have you seen this man?

Clyde Donovan
Missing since May 9th, 2011
South Park, Colorado

Age: 25
Height: 5' 5"
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Weight: 115 lbs

Clyde Donovan was last seen at work Monday, May 9th, 2011 prior to 10:00 AM. His classroom was left with most of his belongings. He was last seen wearing a Gucci jacket, jeans, and black Converse.

If you've seen Clyde, thought you may have seen him, or know anything at all about his disappearance, please contact:

Det. Julia Martin, Colorado Police
1-800-338-4977
Colorado Police Silver Alert Issued
1-800-897-7914'

Craig snorts quietly every morning when he sees it on the back of his milk carton.

Craig can't remember how long it's been since Clyde was reported missing; a couple of weeks now, he fancies.

But Craig knows today is the anniversary of the day of Clyde's passing. Craig knows it's just a matter of time before the media stops acting like there's still hope in finding Clyde. It's been a whole month, for god's sake.

But Craig doesn't worry. The media wouldn't be finding Clyde's body anytime soon unless they bothered to search the Great Colorado Lake, a good few hours from South Park, and he knew the media would never bother to. Too expensive.

One afternoon Craig is at the grocery store. He notices Clyde's idiotic face has disappeared from the faces of the cartons. The media's way of discreetly dropping a case.

At work the school is so somber and empty that Craig at first questions if the apocalypse had occurred over night. Stan is torn asunder when Craig enters the staff room and collapses against him sniffling.

Craig clutches his dearest math equation close and inhales the scent of his shampoo as the only sound in the staff room is Stan's sobbing for a good half hour or so, Craig assumes.

When Stan finally collects himself enough to pull himself from Craig's hold, he hiccups out the only words Craig remembers that day.

"His funeral's next Tuesday."

It's the first time in few years Craig's left his house with his raven hair completely exposed, the last time being when he attended his late grandmother's funeral when he was in middle school. He'd only met the pruny woman a couple times and he was told to act like he'd spent every living moment with her at the ceremony. His mother had bribed him with the promise of a new Xbox game while she was tying his tie that morning, only on the condition that little Craig would snivel and hiccup and wipe his eyes every once in a while.

And after that debacle, Craig hadn't ever imagined he'd have to partake in something as ridiculous as that again. He ties his tie in front of the mirror and repeats his mother's words to himself. He recites to himself what his high school drama teacher told him about improvisation in an unplanned situation and portraying different emotions than what he was truly feeling. He blows the dust off his old dress shoes and find that they still fit.

The ceremony becomes a blur because Craig doesn't feel it's important to remember it. All he really remembers is the euphoric feeling of standing next to Stan during the ceremony and engraining the sound of his quiet sobs into his memory while maintaining a steady flow of tears and eye-wiping on his part.

Craig remembers going home that day wearing the lingering scent of Stan and a wet right sleeve.

The day after the funeral, Craig is engulfed by students and teachers alike giving him their condolences. They do, after all, know that Craig and Clyde were like two peas in a pod. Craig saw it coming, he accepts their condolences and even gets teary-eyed. Because the audience loves tears.

Sometime during the lunch hour, Stan quietly knocks on Craig's door. Stan sputters about he knew Craig and Clyde were so close and that he knows it must be really hard for him. Craig doesn't like seeing Stan unhappy, and he's getting tired of talking about such a useless character. He changes the subject bluntly while toying with his white-out tape in his hand.

"When's your wedding?"

Stan's caught off guard and stares dumbly for a moment and then his next expression could only be interpreted as "Oh I'm sorry, it must be too painful for you to recall memories of her".

Stan tells him, it's in a month.

That night, a flock of pigeons perched on the roof of Craig's portable classroom suddenly take flight and disperse when a fit of uncontrollable laughter echoes from inside.