Introduction from His Majesty

My friends,

I was fortunate enough to coax my elusive lady love into an online chat this past evening. I felt it wise to share it with you all here to have you bear witness to a challenge that has been issued, and eagerly accepted by one Sarah Williams. I'm sure you will all support her as she strives to meet it. I do wish her luck…

Sarah Williams is Available - Available - under protest...

Sarah Williams:

fine

since you're here anyway...

Me:

Lovely of you to join me.

Sarah Williams:

well since you clearly have the ability to make my yahoo account accept your invite, I apparently have little choice...

Me:

You can think that, if you'd like. If it makes you feel better.

You've been hiding from me, precious. My feelings are hurt.

Sarah Williams:

we agreed not to speak to each other didn't we?

or maybe it was me, talking to myself

Me:

I don't recall agreeing to any such thing.

But you have been online, haven't you?

Sarah Williams:

not chatting online... but of course I've been online!

it's kinda a major feature of the modern world, nowadays

but then, when was the last time you were in the real world?

Me:

Ah...you noticed. Miss me?

Sarah Williams:

like a verruca on my foot

Me:

Surely, that much denial isn't healthy, Sarah.

I missed you.

Maybe you have something a little more pleasant to add?

Sarah Williams:

more pleasant? let's see... I missed that rush of relief when a noise outside wasn't you sitting in a tree - staring at me with your big sad owl eyes

Me:

Sad owl eyes?

Sarah Williams:

yeah you know

those unnaturally large owly eyes

no owls have eyes like that you know

dead give away

Me:

I always thought they were rather emotive. And I'm quite cuddly as an owl, you know.

Sarah Williams:

even with those huge talons?

Me:

I promise to keep them tucked...

Sarah Williams:

and what's a promise from the Goblin King worth?

Me:

Why don't you try me and find out?

Sarah Williams:

would I survive a test drive?

Me:

You'd do more than survive, love.

Sarah Williams:

is this the bit where you tell me that it'll be "the ride of my life"?

Me:

Well, I guess now I don't have to.

Sarah Williams:

I don't know if I can believe that though... I've had some pretty good rides in the past

Me:

Have you...

Sarah Williams:

oh yea

really.. rough... wild... rides

Me:

With whom?

Sarah Williams:

oh I don't really bother remembering their names

takes all the fun out of it, doncha think? ;)

Me:

Have there been so many then, Sarah?

How many, Sarah

Sarah Williams:

you can't really expect me to keep count like a scoreboard

I leave that to other people

Me:

And when do you meet these...others?

Sarah Williams:

oh you know, just whenever

not round the clock or anything - I have a life too

Me:

Really.

I haven't seen any men at your home. I would have noticed.

Sarah Williams:

so that confirms that you have in fact been watching my house like a big damn cliche

Me:

Of course I watch out for you, Sarah. And I'm even more inclined to do so now.

Sarah Williams:

so the surveillance will go up now?

like it could get any higher

Me:

I think you wanted my attention by flashing your supposed indiscretions in my face, and now you've got it, precious.

Sarah Williams:

your attention is the last thing I want

less attention at this point would be good

and anyway

I could be sitting in another man's lap right now and it still wouldn't be any of your business

Me:

Is that so, dearest?

How odd that you'd be sitting in another man's lap yet chatting with me.

Sarah Williams:

it's just a hypothetical example, don't get excited

and besides

I bet you have tons of women notched on your headboard

Me:

Do you?

Sarah Williams:

are you asking if I've slept with tons of women...?

well I guess there was that one time in college...

Me:

Pardon?

You know, Sarah, as charming as it is that you want to make me jealous, I'd be careful if I were you.

Sarah Williams:

oh what you gonna do?

nothing

that's what

you have no power over me

:P

Me:

Don't be so sure dearest.

I may not be able to get close to you, but anyone else is fair game.

Don't push me.

Sarah Williams:

if you're referring to who I think you're referring to - then you better watch for your own safety buster

Me:

Are you referring to Toby?

Sarah Williams:

I thought of Toby first, yes

but actually I'm thinking of my friends

since they have the most contact with you

Me:

You think I'd harm my subjects?

Sarah Williams:

are you serious?

you kick them around and throw them in a smelly bog!

of course I think you'd harm your subjects

Me:

Only the goblins, and they quite like being kicked, I'll have you know. They're nearly indestructible.

Sarah Williams:

I'm sure if you asked them they wouldn't say they enjoyed being kicked

Me:

Have you bothered to ask them, or do you just automatically think the worst of me. Actually, you really needn't bother to answer that because I already know that you do.

Sarah Williams:

I don't know how I could think any differently

I mean we don't actually know each other

Me:

We could remedy that.

Sarah Williams:

no

if it ain't broke, don't fix it

Me:

You know, I really hate that word.

Sarah Williams:

yea I guess being a spoilt king and all you're used to getting your own way

well too bad

Me:

You don't seem to have the same inclination to use it with your supposed string of suitors.

Sarah Williams:

that's so typical

Me:

And if I had my own way, we'd be having a much different conversation right now.

Typical?

Sarah Williams:

yes, typical

Me:

How is that, precious?

Sarah Williams:

when an independent woman can't have her own love affairs or go around sleeping with whoever she wants, without having it insinuated that she's a slut

Me:

I never said you were a "slut", Sarah.

Sarah Williams:

that's why I used the word "insinuated"

cause it was right there in the subtext

all accusatory and moral high-ground-y

Me:

And now you're putting me on a pedestal of morality?

Can your villain be such a thing?

Sarah Williams:

argh! you know what I mean, stop twisting things with your words

Me:

They're your words, Sarah.

Perhaps you should think before you speak?

Sarah Williams:

perhaps you shouldn't speak at all?

then everyone would be happy

:P

Me:

And deny you the pleasure of sparring with me? Never. And if you keep sticking out that tongue of yours at me, I might just be tempted to take it.

Sarah Williams:

I could say the same for some of your appendages

Me:

You can have any of my appendages you want...

Sarah Williams:

urgh.. I guess I walked right into that one

Me:

Your words, Sarah.

Sarah Williams:

and you know fine well what I meant by them

you just have wishful hearing

Me:

You really think I have any idea what goes on in that head of yours? You're a living contradiction.

Sarah Williams:

it's quite simple

let me explain -

when I say "yes", that means I am saying "yes"

when I say "no", that means I am saying "no"

see?

Me:

And when you flaunt your conquests in my face to make me jealous...what does that mean, Sarah?

Sarah Williams:

it probably means I'm trying to hammer home the point that it - is - my - life

and I am free to do what I want

Me:

And when you accept my chat requests and secret away little gifts and then tell me no...

Sarah Williams:

I don't secret away little gifts... besides some of your gifts are too big to secret away

life-sized unicorn?

Me:

I have it on good authority that you do in fact secret away little gifts while claiming to toss them all out.

What's wrong with the crystal unicorn? It's quite lovely.

Sarah Williams:

lovely? it's monstrous!

and I can't get rid of it or do anything with it

and I hear you've put it in some writing challenge?

what's that all about?

Me:

I did. For the express purpose of showing you some options, since you had no kinds words about it in your letter.

Sarah Williams:

well I can't see how I could have kind words about something I can't even fit through my front or back door

the neighbors now give me funny looks

and it's all your fault

Me:

I worked hard on that, you know. I wanted it to be perfect.

Sarah Williams:

what do you mean "worked hard"? you probably just conjured it in 2 seconds with one of your balls

ahem I mean crystal balls of course...

Me:

Art cannot be conjured in 2 seconds.

Sarah Williams:

art?

it's just so...

I don't understand what possible reason you could have had for giving me something like that

it's so in your face and OTT

actually

Me:

OTT?

Sarah Williams:

that does sound like you...

"over the top"

Me:

Ah...well nothing ordinary would suit you, precious.

Sarah Williams:

despite what you might think, I do like ordinary things

I'm not the same fanciful teenager you once knew

Me:

Ordinary things...like what?

Sarah Williams:

maybe she would have liked a giant crystal unicorn

you know, ordinary

like

I like having a cup of coffee

and watching the sun rise if I get up to early

or going for a walk when I need to clear my head

ordinary things

Me:

Is that an invitation?

Sarah Williams:

to you?

I don't know what part of any of that read like an invitation

these are things I do on my own

Me:

How am I to learn of these "ordinary things" if I have no one to show me?

Sarah Williams:

why would you want to learn ordinary things?

you come from a world of magic

Me:

But you don't. And I want to learn about you.

Sarah Williams:

and what if I'd rather remain a mystery?

Me:

You can be very cruel, my Sarah.

Sarah Williams:

you keep saying that

Me:

Do you deny it?

Sarah Williams:

let's just say I don't think there's any basis for comparison

Me:

Really.

And yet you seem to delight in torturing me.

Sarah Williams:

only because you delight in torturing me

this is just all part of your game

and the only reason you're grumpy is cause it's not going the way you want it to

Me:

Life is a game, Sarah. And for one so set on things being fair, you don't play that way.

How am I torturing you?

Sarah Williams:

you mean apart from stalking me?

poking your glittery nose into my life?

telling me what to do?

Me:

I don't give up that easily, Sarah. When I want something worth the fight. And I don't tell you what to do.

Sarah Williams:

oh no?

so that wasn't you earlier, demanding I tell you all about my past love affairs?

and how many I had been with?

Me:

I don't flaunt other women in your face, because there are none. And I don't toss away your gifts, few that they are, but rather take each small gesture to heart.

Sarah Williams:

oh spare me the "pity me" act

which is what it is

an act

Me:

I don't want your pity, Sarah. I want much more than that.

Sarah Williams:

I think I know what you want

but it's not love

Me:

What do you know of love?

Sarah Williams:

I'm not going to do compare and contrast here on something as important as love

Me:

I reach across worlds to give it to you and you toss it back to me like it's nothing.

Sarah Williams:

you reach across worlds to give me giant crystal unicorns...?

Me:

And, again, my efforts are belittled and unappreciated.

If you want to know what a grown woman can do with a crystal unicorn, I can direct you to some fascinating stories...

Sarah Williams:

dare I even ask?

Me:

Are you afraid to find out?

Sarah Williams:

one thing I'm not in relation to you - is afraid

Me:

Yet you won't meet with me?

Sarah Williams:

that's because I don't want to give you an opening that you'll exploit

Me:

Exploit. What are you expecting me to do, Sarah? Kiss you to death?

Sarah Williams:

are you planning to kiss me to death then?

Me:

Certainly not to death.

Though you may feel a bit faint and possibly breathless...

Sarah Williams:

and you may feel a sudden sharp pain in the nether region - when my knee connects with the crown jewels

Me:

Like I said, cruel.

Sarah Williams:

and yet you keep coming back for more

Me:

I'm a glutton for punishment, apparently. With no reward...

You might like it, you know, if you try it. What's life without a little risk?

Sarah Williams:

I'm sure I would like it very much

kneeing you I mean

it's been one of my fantasies for a while now

Me:

So you fantasize about me?

Sarah Williams:

in a gloating-over-your-misfortune way

strictly non-sexual

and please don't take that as an invite to share your fantasies about me...

Me:

I have some very creative ones...are you sure?

And I know that's not true, Sarah.

Sarah Williams:

oh you mean cause of that one time when you planted a dream in my head and then pretended it was one you "stumbled across"

way to be creepy by the way

invading people's supposed dreams

Me:

I did no such thing.

They're your dreams and you invited me in.

Sarah Williams:

that sounds a lot like the exact opposite of what I would do

Me:

Which is exactly your problem. You persist in your denial.

Sarah Williams:

and you persist in your delusion

so where does that leave us?

Me:

What can I do, Sarah? I'm at a loss on how to get you to see me as something other than a villain. Tell me, and I'll do it.

And don't ask me to do something I can't.

Sarah Williams:

damn - and here was me thinking up something like thread a needle through a haystack

or is it - find a needle in a haystack?

Me:

That I can do.

Sarah Williams:

yea exactly why I didn't suggest it right away

you and your sneaky magic

you could probably do a lot of those impossible things

Me:

Except when it comes to one impossible girl...

Sarah Williams:

I'm not a girl

and I'm not impossible

it's your ego that's impossible to look past

Me:

You're right, my apologies. Impossible woman...

That I think what I already know to be true?

Sarah...would you accept a challenge?

Sarah Williams:

I have experience in beating your challenges - so yes, I would

what's the challenge?

Me:

I have your word that you'll play fair?

Sarah Williams:

I'm not the one who cheats by stealing people's time from them unexpectedly

Me:

Still harping on the past, I see...

Sarah Williams:

oh just get to the point Goblin King

Me:

There are two parts to this challenge, one of which I've heard you've already considered.

Sarah Williams:

you mean the writing challenge?

Me:

Now, don't interrupt...

Yes, the writing challenge.

As you know, I issued a challenge of my own recently.

The first part of your challenge is to read each of the responses to my writing challenge...with an open mind.

Sarah Williams:

are you saying I can't have an open mind?

my mind is open

Me:

What I said was not to interrupt. I'm not finished.

Sarah Williams:

well hurry up already

Me:

Once you've read these stories, each and every one of them, and I think I should note the challenge is ongoing through the last full moon of summer, you have to entertain the possibilities, with an open mind, and review each without saying anything negative.

Sarah Williams:

so in other words... you want me to lie to strangers about their stories?

telling them positive things I might not feel?

not that I would be nasty or anything...

it's not their fault if you've got them all charmed with your... charming ways

Me:

Let me remind you that many of the ladies you've "connected" with today have penned these stories. I'm sure you wouldn't want to hurt their feelings...

Sarah Williams:

of course not - some of them are really sweet and thoughtful

Me:

My point, exactly.

Sarah Williams:

but I wouldn't have been overly negative

I'm not like that

Me:

It's a challenge. Sarah. Are you saying you're not up to it?

Oh, really?

Would you like examples?

Sarah Williams:

I just don't understand what you mean by "not saying anything negative"

no cause that would be examples of when I'm justifiably not nice to you

which doesn't count

Me:

Justified?

And, dearest, I've read some of the reviews you've left for some of my favourite stories…

Sarah Williams:

oh tomay-toe, tomaat-toe

we're not going to see eye to eye on that so let's just drop it ok?

yes but that negativity was aimed at you and the comments you had left

deliberately to provoke me I might add

Me:

Hardly. They were lovely stories.

So much for not interrupting...

Sarah Williams:

ok - explain more clearly the part about not saying anything negative?

do you mean that if there's something I don't agree with, I'm not allowed to say so in the review?

Me:

Precious, I believe you're missing the point.

The challenge is to entertain the possibilities

Not look for things to disagree with

Sarah Williams:

ok so - what do I get when I win?

Me:

I'm not finished yet. There's another part to this challenge. Have you always been this troublesome?

Nevermind...

Sarah Williams:

well if you would hurry up already...

Me:

If you would stop interrupting...

Part two of the challenge:

Issue your own writing challenge: a romance.

Sarah Williams:

a romance?

Me:

Yes

Are you afraid?

Sarah Williams:

this will be easier than running your Labyrinth

and that was a piece of cake

Me:

So you've said.

I think I should clarify...

Sarah Williams:

uh oh no no no

Me:

A romance between you and I.

Sarah Williams:

you can't add terms after agreement!

Me:

We haven't agreed yet

Sarah Williams:

I just did! or at least it was very strongly implied

Me:

Not the right words, I'm afraid.

Sarah Williams:

you and your right words

Me:

You're free, of course, to say that you're issuing the challenge because I've challenged you to do so...if you must.

Sarah Williams:

that's not fair! I was already planning to issue a writing challenge

now it'll look like it was your idea

Me:

You need to learn a new catch phrase, precious. And it was hardly your idea.

Sarah Williams:

and you've put me in a position where I can't choose my own one

well it certainly wasn't your idea

Me:

The details are of your choosing with the requirement that it be a romance between you and I.

But if you're scared...

you don't have to accept.

Sarah Williams:

you know that'll I'll accept

Me:

Excellent.

One other thing...

Sarah Williams:

it just means my writing challenge will have to be for fantasy make-believe stories, that's all

no!

you can't add more terms

Me:

You need a deadline for your writing challenge. Always so untrusting...

Sarah Williams:

with you - you never know

Me:

Winter Solstice

Sarah Williams:

you're picking my deadline too!

Me:

It's my challenge

Do you have to fight me on everything?

Sarah Williams:

only when I know you're being a glittery jerk

but fine

I accept the challenge

how do we determine if I've won?

Me:

Challenge accepted

You'll know.

Sarah Williams:

what? that's ridiculous

you have to have some kind of stakes

Me:

Did I mention anything about stakes?

Perhaps I'll give you another crystal unicorn if you win?

Sarah Williams:

perhaps I'll give you a kick in the crotch WHEN I win

Me:

Do you have to be so disagreeable?

Sarah Williams:

I'm going now

it's only you that makes me this way

Me:

Do you have to go?

Sarah Williams:

I think I've had my quota for today

Me:

Mmm. Well I've enjoyed our little chat and I do look forward to seeing how you fare with the challenge.

Sarah Williams is Offline

Me:

Sweet Dreams, my Sarah.