A/N: Hey there everyone~! As you can see lately I've been into Ao no Exorcist. Can you guess what my favorite pairing is? If you guessed ShimaaaaaxRiiiiin then you're right. Have a cookie. This story was a spur of the moment, it has been bothering me for weeks now. Please ignore the first few sentences, they suck. The time switches a lot, so read it carefully. This is un beta'ed, so many errors are possible.

Warnings: Cursing and sexual content... LOADS OF ANGST.

Pairings: ShimaxRin (main) hints of RinxShiemi, ShiemixAmaimon

I own nothing.

Enjoy

[n e v e r m e a n t t o b e]

Sometimes it's better to just let go...

.

.

.

[Happiness is a mental state of well-being characterized by positive emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.]

Rin Okumura was anything but happy. He even wonders when the last time he felt truly happy was. But that was such a long time ago, only a dull, blurry memory is left in the back of his mind. Reminiscence of happiness.

He can't remember what he used to do when he was happy, how he acted, looked. Was he laughing, smiling? Smiling just like all of his friends around him. Just like they did for the past three years and way before that. Before it all started, before they met each other. Foolish question, of course they did. Rin did too, but not as often.

Now he doesn't smile at all. He forgot the feeling of happiness. All he could feel for the past few years was a dull throbbing in his heart.

Just like the one he is feeling now, as he watches with dull blue eyes, his everything, his life, his love for fuck sakes-! Walk away into the main building with some woman beside him. She is pretty, beautiful even with her long blond wavy hair. Rin never saw her before. A new exorcist probably. The demon boy hears their laugh echoing and he thinks if the woman is happy.

No… He could care less about that woman, the important question is, was Shima Renzou happy? Happy to have that woman beside him, that woman he'll probably never see again, or forget her after they're done.

The door close and they disappear from his eyesight. Rin mistakes the sound of them closing for the sound of his heart breaking. Heh, if there's even anything left to break…

You see, even if he and Renzou were together for quite a while now, Renzou never got rid of his habits. Habits of cheating.

Now Rin just doesn't care. Or so he likes to think. He just pretends to be blind to sights like these, pretends his nose is clogged when Renzou gets close to him and those sickly sweet flowery scents attack his nose, woman's perfume. When he first discovered Renzou was cheating on him, he was crushed. There was a lot of screaming and shouting and tears. Tears tears tears. And some more of them. They were visiting Kyoto then, all of them and Rin walked in on a rather disgusting sight. Shima begged him for forgiveness; promises spewed every way, telling him that the girl just seduced him. He did not want to hear any of it so he ran away. No one was there for him back then, because no one knew. He slumped against a rock, a rock in the back yard where he and Renzou ate dinner together when everyone had their backs turned against him because of fear, hate, and anger. That night was stormy and Rin was glad for it. Rain hid his tears, rain muffled his sobs. Never in his life had he felt so hurt. He sat there for hours crying and cursing the world into oblivion, trying not to look around, afraid of the memories this place might cause him.

A hand clamped around his shoulder, shaking him out of his trance when he looked up to see Bon. Yes Bon, Suguro Ryuuji, the only person who looked for him that night, the only person who was concerned.

The taller boy said nothing, just sat beside him, patting his back as more sobs made their way from the demon boy. Rin tried to hide it, it was embarrassing but it seemed impossible back then.

That night brought them closer then they ever were. It was amazing to have a friend like him, always so tough and rash, but he knew how to listen, how to comfort.

They sat together, until the rain stopped.

Afterwards, his stay was as awkward as it can be. Rin slept with Yukio and refused to leave his room, earning questioning looks from his fraternal twin. He stayed silent—still stays. He didn't want Yukio to shoot Renzou, even if the bastard deserved it.

But time passed and Rin forgave him. And Renzou stopped. But not for long.

When they moved in together to the same dorm room, Yukio just gave him a look but did not press it further.

Rin regrets his decision.

Renzou was never there. He would disappear somewhere after their school was done for the day and wouldn't come back until late hours. When Rin asked where he was he would say he has 'stuff' to do or he was with Bon and Konekomaru. Time passed and the suspicion grew bigger. He decided to approach Bon and ask if he had seen Renzou after school lately and as expected the answer was negative.

Rin decided to keep silent.

After that, he started to close in. He laughed less, all of his smiles turned fake along with those weak 'I'm fine's. Everyone gave him looks, but he ignored them. He did not need their pity; he would deal with it himself. Even Izumo seemed to start to give a shit about him.

Nothing worked. No pleas, no looks. So no one knew. No one, except for his familiar Kuro. The demon kitten was all of the comfort he needed. Kuro would curl up against him, while Rin laid on the sofa, moon shining through the curtains as he waited for Renzou to comeback, his own tail comfortingly wrapped around his shaking frame, a nervous feeling in his stomach. Kuro would always always put a small paw on his wet cheek as if to wipe away his silent tears, comforting him through their mind link, telling him not to cry because he was also feeling sad. It's times like these where Rin was glad he had someone furry and small to keep him company on those long, sad nights.

Eventually the keys would jingle in the lock, and Rin usually pretended to be asleep, so Renzou would go away and leave him the hell alone, because no, he did not want to sleep with him. A kiss would always be planted on his cheek and a soft 'goodnight' whispered, while Rin had his hand on Kuro's small black body, feeling his fur prickle underneath his fingers.

Kuro did not like Renzou anymore. Even if he was just a small demon cat, he still could feel that the pink hair was the object over his Master's stress, sleepless nights and tears.

And he did not like how Rin always relaxed and fell asleep once Renzou kissed his cheek.

.

.

"Oi, Okumura!" a familiar low voice shouts behind him. Rin doesn't bother to look around to know its Bon and by the 'Hmph' behind him he figures it's Izumo who is with him. They've been a lot around each other lately, doing their denial stuff and bickering every single second. Others would find it funny. Rin found it bothersome and nerve wrecking.

"Why are you looking there, standing in the middle of nowhere like some retard?" Kamiki snaps at him walking beside him, her high tied pigtail practically slapping his face, when she turns to look him in the eye. The demon boy just keeps on staring into the distance, that door particularly, feeling his head throb uncomfortably. "Nothing… My head just hurts." Not a lie.

"Ya sure, you're feeling well? You should rest; you have enormous bags under your eyes." Bon walks beside Kamiki, his voice slightly laced with concern. Silence stretches, before Rin replies.

"I'm fine. I have to go, I—I promised Shiemi to come over." Also not a lie. He hadn't seen the blonde for a while now, and she really wanted for him to come over for some tea. Nodding his head in a goodbye, he turns around from the wretched building, his exorcist's coat furiously hitting against his legs, as he takes off in a different direction.

Bon and Izumo just stood there without uttering a word, until their friend was out of their sight.

"Did he and Shima had another spat again?" Izumo asked her eyes still looking at the direction of Shiemi's house where Rin took off.

"No idea. C'mon, let's go." Bon muttered and left Izumo to run after him, while he went for the building.

He hadn't said anything to Shima when he walked past through him in the hallway, some bitch by his side.

'So this is why Okumura acted weirdly.'

.

.

[Memory is an organism's ability to store, retain, and recall information and experiences.]

Shiemi was extremely happy to see the raven haired demon. She continued to chatter away in that happy tone of hers about everything she could think off as she wiped away at the table Rin was seated in front, a cup of steaming hot green tea in his hand. The flowers she grew, the business in her mother's shop, the missions they were assigned, the green haired bastard of a fiancée she had—Rin was glad the bastard wasn't here, or surely the trouble would rise, and half of her house would end up destroyed as the two demons fought of any argument they had. But as long as Shiemi was happy, Rin would tolerate him. How could the green-hair bastard be an exorcist like him, he would never know. Maybe it was some warped up game Mephisto devised—'because the bastard was a cruel demon and no way in hell could he turn good in less then three years. Whatever, as long as he can kick Satan's ass he's cool.

Shiemi continues to polish the already sparkly clean table, probably because she was too focused on her talk to notice it and Rin's eyes focus on her left hand, the one that held her balance as she continued to cleanse the table. A simple silver band was on her ring finger, with a flower pattern on it. Unwillingly his eyes look down at his own left hand, resting on his knee under the table.

He had a ring on his ring finger too, but unlike Shiemi's not a proposal one. It was ring of a promise, promise broken many many times. A promise of love, which was already fading…

That ring was always on his finger. Rin never took it of ever since he got it. Now he just likes to pretend it doesn't come of. Pretends that it's just some simple ring, pretends that he's not afraid to take it off…

His mind drifts again. The day when he got it, almost two years ago. It was Christmas and he was sitting in front of the fireplace, tired beyond relief, while Renzou hanged their coats. It was 1 a.m., they just came back from the party Mephisto had organised. He had loads of fun and the pink hair seemed to be happy. Rin felt the other sit beside him on the carpeted floor, sighing contently.

"Had fun, Rin?" he asked with a smile, brown eyes illuminated by the fire.

"Sure did." Rin replied tiredly, a huge yawn making its way out from his mouth. He heard Shima chuckle and shuffle around a bit.

"Just don't fall asleep yet, I haven't given you your present yet."

Oh, yeah right. He almost forgot it. When he had given his present back at the party (a stripped scarf, which Renzou was wearing now), the pink hair told him that he would give him his after they got back to their dorm. Rin tried to ignore how suggestive it sounded. Curiously he eyed Renzou, as the other rummaged through his jeans pockets, a content smile spreading on his face once he found what he was looking for. He quickly opened it and brought it in front of Rin.

The world seemed to stop and his heart skipped a beat.

"I—Is that what I t-think it-" Rin stammered hopelessly, his cheeks flushed. Was Renzou—

"Ah, no no no, I'm not going to say marry me, so don't worry.~" Renzou laughed at the others stunned expression. "It's something better,"

Rin watched with wide eyes as Renzou got serious. "I really did not know what to get you, but I wanted to give you something special, something that would remind me to you and show you how much you mean to me at the same time. So after going through hell loads of thinking, I decided to buy you this. You better praise me, you know, I tried to pick out the most beautiful one. But the point is that I love you a lot and—"he didn't get to finish the sentence as Rin threw himself at him.

"Haha, I guess you like it, huh?"

"I love it! It must've coasted you a lot, I—"

"You're worth it."

And then Rin just felt happiness flood him, a wave of good emotions. Renzou cared. He cared for him so much, he even bought a ring and the feeling of his warmth just felt so amazing and- and oh god—

They spent the rest of the night together on that carpet, in front of the fireplace, limbs tangled, sweat sliding down their bodies, and breath hot against ears continuous mantra of 'I love you's.

Rin looked at his left hand; fingers interlaced with Renzou's, that ring gleaming brightly against the orange light.

It was one of those experiences he will never forget. That feeling of complete happiness overflowing his body, his mind at peace, while he panted and writhed in pleasure with every movement his lover made.

The moment of perfection.

A memory in the back of his mind. Dulling with every passing second. Never will they be the same, not until Renzou changes—

*SBAM*

"in…Rin-kun, are you listening?"

Eyes wide, Rin's head snaps up in shock to look in front of him. Shiemi is leaning in to inspect his face, concern showing in her big green eyes. "Are you alright? Y-You're crying! Is something wrong? Did I say something? Are you feeling well? What kind of friend am I, of course you're not fi—"

"Shiemi."

She stops her rant. She knows that voice he uses, the voice that means to be silent, more like a hidden plea than a command. She knows he's feeling sad.

After all they dated. Before everything turned into a wreck.

Rin just loved Shiemi

'Okumura-kun….'

More then anything

'I…'

He loved her a lot

'It's been bugging me for a while now… And I know you're going out with Moriyama-chan…'

He loved her

'But I have to get it of my chest…'

Like a precious person

'I— I love you. I love you so much…'

Like a sister, a friend.

It… It just wasn't enough for them to be together. He regrets it a little but not enough. She found her own happiness so in the end it was all for the better,

"Is something wrong between you and Shima-kun?" She could read him like an open book. One look and she always knew what's wrong.

"It's… nothing."

.

.

.

[Silence is the relative or total lack of audible sound. By analogy, the word silence may also refer to any absence of communication, even in media other than speech.]

He clutches his palm around his mouth to stop all of the suggestive noises threatening to spill any moment. His shirt is somewhere at a far away corner of their shared room. Feathery hot sensation is making its way down his flat stomach, just above his navel, occasional lick added.

"You're unusually unresponsive today." Renzou says, as he slightly lifts himself up to look at him with an unreadable expression.

How… How can he be goddamn responsive… How can he after what he saw today. The bastard comes back home at midnight, slightly tipsy and dreaking of alcohol, decides to sex him up. Rin just clutches his hand over his lower face even harder, once he smells the sweet cherry smelling scent of the other.

He feels like throwing up.

He glares angrily, and doesn't know what he wants more, to shout at the other to get the fuck off and leave him alone, or to demand an explanation for the excuse of perfume scent coming of from him mixed with alcohol.

He says nothing.

Silence stretches between them until Renzou sighs with a small frown on his face, then rolls of from him, collects his shirt and his coat and without a second glance leaves, without even saying 'Goodnight'.

Rin feels a familiar strangle in his throat and hitch in his nose. He does his best to swallow his tears and after a few minutes of calming himself down, he gets up from the bed, opening the door a little and silently calling Kuro. The cat immediately gets there.

'Where is he?'

'He's taking a shower.'

Maybe he realised why Rin was frowning so much…

.

.

Despite everything Rin finds himself cuddled up next to Renzou on the same sofa he usually waits for the pink haired exorcist to comeback.

After tossing and turning on the bed for the next few hours, he found himself unable to fall asleep. He carefully lifted the sleepy cat demon of himself and left the bedroom, making his way towards the sofa. It was quiet, only an occasional snore heard from the pink hair. Rin slowly lifted up the covers and curled up besides him, barely any space left, carefully wrapping his arms around the other and burying his nose into Renzou's shirt, inhaling deeply. No cherry scent greeted his senses, just the smell that could only be described as Shima Renzou. Rin felt the other stir in his sleep.

"Rin…" he exhales. The raven hair stays quiet, cuddling even closer.

A sleepy laugh reaches his ears and Rin feels his strong arms wrap around his waist to pull him closer and a kiss planted on top of his head, Renzou's chin nuzzling slightly as he whispers a small 'goodnight'.

And only for now can Rin Okumura pretend that everything's fine.

He quickly falls asleep

.

.

.

[A decision is the selection between possible actions. A choice is the selection between two or more objects.]

'I can't do this anymore… I'm sick of it.'

So sick of lying… So sick of promises. So sick of—

Everything.

Renzou, Renzou, Renzou—FUCK YOU.

Fuck you dammit. Go find a woman to fuck and just forget about it! Forget we ever happened!

Screw that love, screw it! I'm slapping it back to your face.

You don't love me anymore.

That hurt his heart more then everything. But it was the truth.

'Open your goddamn eyes, Okumura!'

Tonight. Tonight I'll end it.

.

.

"Where were you?"

Rin hears a surprised gasp in the dark. The light flicks on, hurting his blue eyes as he sees the bastard, eyeing him.

"Why aren't you asleep? It's late—"

"I'll repeat it again. Where. were. you?" No way will he take his sugar coating. Just one look and one sniff betray the pink hair.

The other gulps nervously and averts his eyes, chuckling nervously. Never had he seen Rin so serious.

"J-Just some troubles with the mission." Renzou tries his best to laugh it of. This isn't funny anymore.

It never was.

"What kind of troubles? The bitch was too ugly to fuck?" Rin growls, eyes gleaming dangerously. "Is that it, darling?"

"I-I have no idea what are you talking about."

"You know what Renzou? Fine. Save it for someone else."

The others eyes grow large in fear. N-No way… Not now! "W-What?"

"I'm sick of it." Rin moves away from the wall he was leaning against to stand in front of the traitor. He determinately looks at those fearful brown eyes. "I'm sick of you cheating on me, I'm sick of you hooking up with every goddamn woman you see, in front of me... I'm sick of you trying to pretend its okay and doing nothing! I—I did everything for you! I lied, I left my brother by himself, and I dumped Shiemi, I— I changed for you! And you… You're a goddamn idiot who doesn't appreciate me. I should have done this years ago…" Rin averts his eyes, fists clenched tightly together by his sides. He couldn't face Renzou. Not after what he said.

"I—I'm leaving you. Do whatever the hell you want." He swallows back tears and walks past him. He needed to get away. Fast.

"R-Rin! W-Wait you can't! Don't leave!—"

"Save it. I've heard enough. Heh… No, I've seen enough."

'I'm letting you go, Shima Renzou… It's the right thing to do.'

Never had the sound of door closing sounded more painful.

A lone tear drops. Shuffling sounds of a body sliding down the wall.

Because some people are just never meant to be.

[t o b e c o n t i n u e a d]

A/N: I rushed the ending a lot because this is going to be a two-shot, the other one will be from Shima's POV. I lack ideas so I don't know if I'll post it.