A/N: Heyy guys. So, as you all probably know, Forever and Always wasn't much of a success. But that's why i wrote this story. I feel like i'm more into this one, and i'm really enjoying writing it. No worries, you guys. Someone offered to 'adopt' Forever and Always. It now belongs to spacekitten2700, so if you have any questions or comments about the story, please PM her. Thank you guys for sticking with me. I really appreciate it. Now, on with the story :)
disclaimer: i don't own any of the Law and Order: SVU characters. They all belong to Dick Wolf...sadly
Chapter 1
Eighteen-year-old Olivia Benson opened her eyes, the bright sun meeting them just as she did. She groaned and shut them again, pulling her pillow over her head to block out the light. After a few minutes, she snuck a look at her nightstand clock. 6:45. Well, it was useless to go back to bed. School started in an hour.
Olivia sat up in her bed, ignoring the blinding sun poking through her windows. As she was rubbing her eyes, the thoughts of the recent night flooded her mind. She attempted to push them away, to get them out of her head, to forget about them, but she couldn't. She just couldn't.
*Flashback*
Olivia walked into the door at exactly 9:45. Scratch that…she snuck into the door at 9:45. Her mind was racing. Serena was going to kill her! Before Olivia left for the party earlier that night, Serena made her promise that she would be home no later than 9:30. But Olivia had been having the time of her life. She checked the clock every half-hour while she was there, but eventually, she completely forgot about the time. This was the first time she had actually been invited to a party in high school!
Ever since she was young, Olivia was the 'outcast' of her neighborhood. She was known everywhere as 'the girl with the alcoholic mother'. Parents wouldn't let their children go to Olivia's house in grade school. Not even when they were in eight grade. Because of her mother, no one liked her. No one talked to her. She tried her whole entire grade school life to make friends, but to no avail. She was the main attraction of the boys' fun-making. And she never understood why.
It never got better during high school. She tried to keep her at-home life hidden from all the kids at school, and it did work. But, of course, it didn't work for long. Pretty soon, someone found out. And that someone told someone else. And then that someone told someone else. Eventually, everyone at her school knew about her abusive alcoholic mother. And the worst part? No one ever even tried to put a stop to it.
Olivia never had friends in high school, so when she was invited to this party, she literally flipped out. She went out and bought the cutest party dress she could find, within the limit of fifty dollars. Her mom was always too drunk too work so Olivia made most of the money for the two of them. She worked at the local pool every weekend and catered for about four different restaurants. She didn't make a lot of many, but she made enough for them both to get around.
After finding an adorable dress, she went home, eager and excited to see what Serena would think. She walked through the door, yelling "Mom! I'm home!" But she didn't hear an answer. She ran to her mom's room, but she was nowhere to be found in there either. Finally, after ten minutes of looking, she found Serena in the backyard, planting flowers. Olivia found this strange. Usually, Serena would be inside drinking. She never 'had the time' to plant.
Olivia shrugged it off though, running outside anyway. She could barely contain her excitement. Serena noticed her daughter sprinting towards her and stood up.
"Hey sweetie," were the first words out of Serena's mouth when Olivia ran up to her, dress in hand. "How was school?"
Olivia smiled. Her mother hadn't started drinking yet tonight! Which meant that she was like any other normal mother. No violence. No yelling. No pain…yet.
"Um, it was good," she lied. She didn't feel like explaining how everyone really treated her.
Serena noticed the dress in her daughter's arms. "Going somewhere tonight?" she asked suspiciously, a smile playing on her lips. "Maybe with a boy?"
Olivia smirked. 'yeah right.' "Actually, if it was okay with you, I was kinda invited to a party tonight."
Serena's brow raised. "A party? Really?"
Olivia nodded excitedly. "Yeah. And I was sorta wondering if I could go. I mean, if that's okay with you. I got a dress and everything!" She unfolded the dress in her arms and showed it to her mom.
Serena smiled and took the dress, looking at it. "This is absolutely beautiful, Liv."
Olivia loved it when she called her by her nickname. It showed that her mom actually had some compassion for her. Usually, when she was drunk, Serena called Olivia 'bitch', or 'slut'. When she was sober, however, it was like she actually did love Olivia like any other normal mother should love their child. But times like these came once, maybe twice a month. Serena wasn't sober often.
"So," Olivia began slowly, "Does that mean…I can go?"
Serena saw the pleading in Olivia's eyes and had to give in to it. "Alright, sure. I'm sure you'll have fun."
Olivia's smile spread across her face. "Thanks so much, Mom!" And with that, she ran back inside.
Two hours later, Olivia stood in her room, staring at herself in the mirror. Her dress was shining in the light from her lamp and her brown eyes, for some odd reason, seemed to stand out. It could have been from the eye-liner she was wearing, or from her blushed cheeks. Olivia smiled to herself. This was the first time she had felt beautiful in a long time.
Her dress flowed about a foot above her knee, and it was strapless. She was olive-skinned, so being tan wasn't a problem for her. Her light blue heals seemed to go perfectly with her darkened blue dress. Olivia put the finishing touches to her make-up on and then headed downstairs, hoping, praying, that her mother hadn't gotten the alcohol out yet.
As soon as she reached her staircase, however, she realized her prayers had not been answered. She heard glasses being thrown, glasses breaking. She heard her mom pour herself another bottle of something and then she heard the cork of a wine bottle pop off.
Olivia started shaking. "Fuck," she whispered to herself. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." This wasn't good. Her mom was already drunk. And it was only 6:45!
Olivia tiptoed down the stairs, trying not to make any sound at all. The last thing she wanted was for her mom to hear her and call her a bitch, telling her how much of a mistake she was, then not letting her go to the party.
She made it down the stairs, then attempted to go the back way to their door. Right as she was opening the door, Serena heard her.
"Olivia? Olivia, is that you?"
Olivia hung her head, tears already forming in her eyes. 'Here we go' she thought to herself. Shutting the door, she made her way to the kitchen, where her mom was. And as soon as Olivia saw her mom, she knew she was in for it.
"Olivia," Serena spat. "Where the hell do you think you're going?"
"You told me I could go to the party," Olivia answered back, never making eye contact.
"Look at me when I'm speaking to you!" Serena yelled.
Olivia immediately brought her head up, making direct eye contact with her mom. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
Serena took another long sip of the beer she was holding in her hand, staring Olivia down. After a minute or so, she laughed. "You look like a whore, you know that?" she stated matter-of-factly.
Olivia sighed. She knew this was coming. She just kept her mouth closed, hoping it would all be over with soon.
"Did you hear me?" Serena asked, starting towards her. "Did you hear what I said to you Olivia?"
Olivia took a step back. "Yes," she mumbled.
"Do NOT mumble when you're talking to me!" Serena yelled in her face.
Olivia winced, taking another step back. She could smell the alcohol in her breath. "I'm sorry," she found herself repeating.
"You should be, you slut!" Serena roared.
Olivia put her hands out to defend her face, expecting a slap. Nothing ever came, though. She peeked through her fingers. Serena was just watching her. She slowly brought her hands back down to her sides.
Serena stared Olivia down, never breaking eye contact once. Olivia started to get scared again. After all, he mom was unpredictable.
After a good two minutes, Serena chuckled to herself. "You're a mistake," she muttered to Olivia. "You aren't wanted. You never were wanted. No one loves you. And no boy will ever fall in love with someone like you. You're a no-good dirty slut. And you'll never change." Serena brought the bottle back up to her lips and took a long swig.
A tear fell down Olivia's cheek, smearing her makeup. She didn't understand. She never had understood. What had she done to deserve this? What had she done, that made her own mother want to beat her? Call her a slut? A whore? What had she done?
Serena noticed the tear rolling down her daughter's cheek. "Stop crying, you baby. You're ridiculous. Get outa my sight."
Olivia, holding back a sob, nodded before turning around and making her way to the door. However, right before she reached it, she heard her mother's cruel voice again.
"Oh, and Olivia," she snarled.
Olivia turned back around. "Yes, mom?"
"You better be home by 9:30 tonight, otherwise you know what happens."
Olivia nodded. She did know what would happen. Odds are, she would have a black eye or a broken wrist the next day if she didn't obey the command.
"Oh, and one more thing," Serena continued.
Olivia had almost had enough. "Yes?"
Serena scowled. "You better not open your legs to any random guy tonight. Though, knowing the slut that you are, you probably will." And with that, Serena left into the other room.
Olivia stood there, tears rolling down her face. She couldn't believe what her mom had just said to her. Her own mother! Olivia pushed back a sob, and before Serena even had time to turn around and insult her again, she ran out the door.
The party ended up being amazingly fun. Almost as much fun as she'd ever had in her life. It was complete with hot guys, shots, food, and so much more. She met a few people who were actually nice to her and made a couple of friends. Before she knew it, it was 9:20.
She panicked. Calling a cab, she said good-bye to the few people she met and ran outside. By the time the cab got there, it was already 9:30.
After about fifteen minutes of driving, she finally got to her house. Paying the driver, she got out and ran to her door.
She snuck in at 9:45, trying to be as quiet as possible. Seeing no sign of her mom in the kitchen or family room, she started her way up the stairs. Half way up, she heard someone clear their throat behind her. This was it. She was dead.
Serena's eyes were filled with fury. Olivia knew she was in for it. This was gonna be worth a black eye, at least.
"Olivia," Serena spat. "What the hell did I tell you before you left?"
"To be back by 9:30," Olivia whispered, looking at the ground.
"Exactly. And what time is it?"
Olivia sighed. "9:45."
Serena nodded and motioned for Olivia to come down the stairs. Olivia followed her command, slowly descending downstairs.
As soon as she reached the bottom, Serena grabbed her arm and smacked her in the face "You listen to me when I tell you what to do!" Serena spat in her face.
Olivia nodded, trying not to pay any attention to the slaps Serena kept giving her. She was used to this. It happened almost every night, so she had grown numb to it. After ten minutes of punches, slaps, and kicks, Serena stopped.
"Go to bed, you useless piece of shit," she growled, pushing Olivia down on the steps. Then, she walked over to the couch, flopped down, and within five minutes, she was out cold.
Olivia turned around and ran upstairs, holding back yelps of pain with every step she took. Once she reached her room, she quickly got into her pajamas, wincing every time her hands touched one of the bruises forming on her olive skin. After brushing her teeth and washing her face, she slowly climbed into her bed, and within minutes, she was asleep.
*End Flashback*
Olivia stood up from her bed and made her way to the bathroom. She reached her shower and turned it on. After taking off her pajamas, she slowly stepped under the water, shivering at first. The warm water felt wonderful, slipping and sliding across her bruises up and down her arms and all down her legs. She closed her eyes, feeling the warm water running over her sore body.
After she climbed out of the shower, she grabbed a towel from the bathroom closet and gently wiped her face, making sure she didn't apply too much pressure to her sore face. When she brought her towel down from her face, she realized was facing the mirror. As soon as she saw her reflection, she gasped.
Her right eye was so swollen and blue that she was surprised that she could still see out of it. There was a cut from her left eye down to the side of her nose. She could tell that it had probably been bleeding the night before while she slept. Her cheeks were still red from all the slaps she had gotten, and on the side of her arm, she had popped a blood vessel.
Tears started forming in Olivia's eyes. She couldn't go through this again. She couldn't have everyone staring at her in school again. Looking at her like she was a freak, an outcast. She just couldn't tolerate it anymore. She just couldn't. This was the last straw.
"I'm not doing this anymore," she said to herself. "I'm not. I can't." She dried herself off and went back to her room. She got her clothes on and sat down on her bed, thinking. Before she knew it, she found herself talking to someone that she had never really turned to before. God.
"Why me?" she asked, looking up. "Why did you choose me, God? What did I do to deserve all this? Tell me!" She grabbed a pillow and threw it at her wall, knocking down a picture frame. As it hit the ground, the glass shattered all over her room.
She didn't care about the glass or the loud noise it made when it hit the ground. She knew her mom was probably still downstairs on the sofa, a hangover attacking her. Serena probably didn't even hear the glass shattering. And if she did, she would be too tired and hung-over to do anything to Olivia for making a mess in her room.
Olivia realized something just then. This was what her life was. This was what it was made for. She would always be the 'victim'. The 'abused'. She would always be known around her little town as 'the girl with the abusive mother'. Every night, she had gone through beating after beating. And for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Her mother was right. She was a mistake.
Olivia flopped back on her bed and quietly sobbed to herself. She hated her life. She was worthless. She was the reason her mother acted like she did every night. She was the reason why her mother was an alcoholic. Her mom never loved her. She never would. She was just a constant reminder of something that ruined her mother's life. And she always would be…unless she did something about it.
Olivia realized something else, then and there. What if she left? Her mother obviously didn't want her. And truth be told, Olivia didn't really want her mom either. Her whole life was spent trying to earn Serena's respect and love. But she never did. And she knew that she probably never would, either. So what was the point of staying?
Olivia thought about it. She could easily leave. Just leave. Serena wouldn't care. She would probably not even notice. Olivia pondered the idea. She knew exactly what to do. All she needed was transportation. She had taken the train many times to get away from her house for a day or two, so a train was perfect.
Olivia smiled to herself. She was going to leave! No more beatings. No more feeling like a freak, a loser. No more being made fun of. Thinking of all of this made Olivia even more excited. She was finally gonna feel normal!
She decided she wasn't going to go to school today. It wouldn't matter anyway. No one liked her. They probably wouldn't even notice she was gone. She smiled to herself. 'Fuck them,' she thought to herself. 'I'm gonna go live my life while I still can,'.
She quickly grabbed her suitcase from under her bed. Pulling it open, she ran to her closet and started grabbing any item of clothing she could find. After filling her whole entire suitcase full of as many clothes as she could, she grabbed a small bag and filled it with toothpaste, her toothbrush, and anything else from the bathroom she would need. After she filled the bag up, she put it in a little pocket on the side of her suitcase and zipped everything up. In that little suitcase were all the things she was going to live on for Heaven knows how long.
Olivia quickly put the suitcase back under her bed. She wasn't going to leave just quite yet. She wanted time. Time to say goodbye? She didn't know. She just wanted time.
She slowly walked down the stars and into the kitchen before grabbing food out of the pantry for breakfast. She noticed her mother, still passed out from last night, on the sofa, softly snoring. Even if she did happen to wake up, she wouldn't care if Olivia wasn't in school. And Olivia knew this.
After eating, Olivia decided she wanted to take a walk. She slid out the door and walked all around her little neighborhood. She never realized how cute the small town she had lived all her life was. There were little apple tree groves around some of her neighbors' houses and each person's lawn was cut perfectly. All except for hers, of course. Serena never cared much about how pretty her yard looked. That's another reason why Olivia was surprised when she saw her mom planting in their back yard the day before.
Olivia passed a little girl walking her dog. She smiled at Olivia, who gladly returned it. She wasn't used to people smiling at her. It wasn't something many people at her school did. But the gesture that the little girl just made towards Olivia made her day.
Olivia passed a few other houses, then decided to turned back around. She took in the beautiful scenery of the neighborhood as she walked, and before she knew it, she was back home. She walked in the door and saw Serena still on the couch. Olivia sighed. She knew it was going to be one of those days again. Serena wouldn't get up until about two. Then she would start drinking again. Then came the beatings.
Olivia realized she was going to have to leave before Serena woke up. She didn't feel like suffering again. So she ran upstairs to her room and grabbed her suitcase. Carefully and quietly bringing it downstairs, she headed straight for the kitchen. Grabbing a pen and a sheet of paper, she started writing a note.
Mom,
When you wake up, I'll be gone. Please don't come looking for me. I promise I'll be fine. I'm going to go live my life. And because I'm gone, you'll be able to live yours too! I know that you'll be happier without me here. You will no longer have a constant reminder living in your house day to day. Please don't be mad at me. I'm doing this because I love you. Hopefully you'll understand. Maybe one day, I'll come back and visit. Maybe. I love you mom, and I hope you go live your life while you can. Without me.
Your daughter,
Olivia
Olivia read over her note twice before putting it back onto the counter. She felt bad, horrible almost, for lying in the note she had just written. Truth is, she really didn't love her mother that much. And she highly doubted she was ever going to come back and visit. She was finished with this hell she was living in. Done. No more.
A tear slipped out her eye and down her cheek as she thought about what she about to do. She was about to leave everything she had ever lived with behind. But truth be told, she really didn't care. She had lived with pain, regret, and sorrow her whole life. And now that she thought about it, leaving that behind wouldn't be that bad.
She walked to the door, taking in the last surroundings of the house she had lived in her whole live. She looked at her mom laying on her couch and debated whether or not to give her a kiss before she left. After about a minute, she walked over and gave her a small peck on her cheek. Serena never stirred.
"Goodbye mom," Olivia whispered, and with that, she turned around and walked out the door.
The train station was awfully crowded for it being 7:30 at night. Olivia had been sitting at the station for a few hours, waiting for the right time to buy her ticket. She didn't want to leave quite yet, for some odd reason.
She watched as a mom struggled with her daughter to board a train that had just arrived. The little girl was screaming and pulling away in resistance. The scene was causing a few bystanders to glance over and see what was happening. Olivia couldn't help but wonder if that was the way she was with her mother when she was younger.
A little boy walked by Olivia, pulled by what looked like his older brother. The older brother was telling him that when they got to New York, he could pick a treat from the train station there.
Olivia thought over his words. 'New York,' she thought to herself. 'How fun would that be?' She realized that she hadn't even figured out where to go yet. Where she was going to runaway to. 'New York would be perfect!' she thought to herself. She smiled. This might actually be…fun!
Olivia stood up and ran to the ticket booth. She bought a one-way ticket to New York and looked at it.
"Midnight?" she said out loud to herself. "The train leaves at midnight?" What if that was too late? What if her mom happened to call the police to find her and they caught her before she could leave? What if she decided she didn't want to go anymore by the time midnight came? What if? All these questions played over in Olivia's mind. Then she sighed. She was getting nervous. Too nervous.
"Everything's gonna be fine," she said to herself. "Just fine."
Olivia sat down, trying to relax. Every five minutes, she would look at the clock, wishing time would go faster. She would take small little walks around the station, watching other families and couples boarding and getting off of trains. She watched the couples with envy. Her whole life, Olivia wished that a Prince Charming would find her and 'sweep her off her feet'. Save her from the hell she was living in. But the Prince Charming, so to speak, never came. Soon after her sophomore year, Olivia gave up looking for love. She knew it wouldn't happen. She always told herself that she wasn't beautiful enough for a man to marry. For a man to love.
A little baby's crying brought her out of her thoughts. Olivia looked at the clock on the wall. It was already eleven! Olivia couldn't believe that time had passed by so quickly!
She ran to the platform where her train was supposed to be. Sitting down on the bench right next to the platform, she smiled to herself. This was it. She was finally going to leave. Leave the pain, the abuse…everything!
Before she knew it, the train pulled up right in front of her. Passengers began getting off, while the others started getting on. Olivia ran to the doors of the train, looking up inside. She slowly took a small step onto the steps of the train. Then another. Then another. Soon, she was inside.
She went to the end car of the train, where only about four or five people were sitting. She chose a seat next to a window. Across from her was another seat, empty. She set her luggage down onto it and sat down. Leaning back, she looked out the train window. The station was still awfully crowded, considering it was midnight.
After about fifteen minutes, Olivia pulled a book out of her bag. Just as she began to read, the train jerked. Then, it jerked again. And soon enough, the train was rolling along the track, the steady rhythm soothing Olivia.
An old man, who looked like he was in his early seventies, came by Olivia, asking for her ticket. She happily gave it to him, and he smiled at her.
"So you're off to New York, miss," he said kindly, looking at her ticket. The question was more of a comment than it was a question.
Olivia nodded. "Yep."
"I've been to New York before," he stated. "It's great fun."
"I'm hoping it will be that way for me, too," she replied, returning a smile.
The man handed Olivia back her ticket. "Good luck, then miss," he said before walking away.
Olivia nodded and lay back, putting her book to the side. And before she knew it, she was asleep.
A/N: Alright, so how'd you like it? I already have the next few chapters done, so if you want more, just tell me. Oh, and don't worry...if you're wondering where the 'city-boy marine' is, he'll definitely be in the next chapter. Only if you want another chapter though ;) thanks for reviewing!
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