A/N: Hello again, all my lovelies! I missed you all terribly, and I can't wait to hear what you think of this little diddy. If you read my other fic, WP, I will just let you know that this story is a complete and total 180. Lots of silly, crazy, hilariousness that I had to get out of my head. It revolves around a TV game show that really exists, so no copyright infringement is intended. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own a husband that planted this silly plot in my head. © 2011 twicrack83

*~*BPOV*~*

"Welcome to 'Dating in the Dark,' the game-show where three single men and three single women vie for each other's affections, all while under the veil of complete darkness."

"Are we seriously watching this?" I groaned, listening to the TV host announce his show. Walking to the living room, I plopped myself down on the couch between Alice and Rose, popcorn bowl in hand. "I can't believe people really do stuff like that."

"Thove it, Bella," retorted Rose, lisp intact. She may have been a bombshell, but the minute she opened her mouth all her S's turned into TH's. Poor girl hadn't had a date in two years. Apparently guys around here couldn't get past the fact that she sounded like a five year old when they were in the sack. Guess it was a real cock-block when she said, "I'd love to thuck your dick." Whatever. She was a great friend and an awesome roomie. Alice, on the other hand, could be a piece of work.

"She's right, Bella," interjected Alice, reaching into the bowl of popcorn resting on my lap. "Just because we like these shows, doesn't mean you have to berate us for it. We watch your stupid hockey games without complaining."

Granted, I'd made them suffer through all of my hockey games throughout high school, college, and even now, but this was ridiculous. I swallowed my sarcasm and relaxed into the cushions, getting ready to feast my eyes on some good, quality, American… crap. Sometimes growing up was hard to do.

I'm sure Alice and Rose were just itching to hear my remark of disapproval, but they'd gotten used to my snarkiness over the years. The three of us grew up together in a small suburb of Wisconsin. We were inseparable and shared each other's deepest, darkest secrets. In high school, the other kids knew us as "the brat pack" mainly because of how snobby we were to them. We didn't care to talk to them and it came across as snooty. Oh well. We had each other and that was all that mattered.

After high school, we couldn't imagine separating, so we all went to the University of Wisconsin. I got a full-ride on a hockey scholarship as the team's goalie, but just ended up with a general degree. Alice was artsy-fartsy and got a degree in art education, and Rose was practical and got a degree in secondary education with an emphasis in natural science.

Even though we all graduated with bachelor's degrees, Rose was really the only one "making it" in the real world. She was teaching physical education at a local high school and coaching their girls' soccer teams. Alice wasn't able to find a job using her degree per se, but she was happy working in clothing retail where she dressed people on a daily basis. On the other hand, I couldn't do much with my degree, so I ended up working a managerial position at Home Depot while I trained and played for the US women's hockey team.

"All right, fine," I replied, sinking further into the couch between them. "But I just don't understand what the appeal is. I mean, really… six complete strangers all shacking up in a mansion, keeping the girls separated from the boys, and then pairing them off in dark-washed rooms so they can feel each other up before actually seeing the person. It sounds pretty farfetched if you ask me."

"It's all about getting to know the person first, and not judging them based solely on their appearance… oh, no!" Alice brought her knees up to her chest with lightening speed. She was pretty much in the fetal position, but upright on the couch. Her cheeks reddened, she started panting, and her eyes rolled back in her head. Then the moaning began. "Mmm, holy… yes!"

One thing about Alice was she was full of surprises growing up. Not one to have traditional tea parties with her teddy bears, she would drag Rose and I to her backyard so we could have paintball fights… at the age of four. I never understood why my parents continued to let me hang out with her after coming home with welts all over my body, but I guess that's acceptable when you're doped up all the time. As we got older, she calmed down slightly and stopped inviting us to sleep-overs, and stopped coming to ours. Rose and I didn't have a clue what was happening until one day in high school when we found her in the bathroom… touching herself.

"Oh my god! Yes! Please… mmm, right there."

"Alice?" I question, and make my way to the stall. "Is that you in there?"

"Are you okay?" Rose asks as she follows me. "Ith thomeone in there with you?"

"Please go away, guys," Alice whimpers breathlessly. "I don't want you to see me like this. I'm a complete mess."

We reach her stall and I push on the door, but no luck. She's got it locked. "Alice, sweetie, you have to let us in. We promise we won't laugh… whatever it is."

"Promises won't cut it this time," she sniffles. "This is the most horrifying thing ever, and you'd disown me if you found out what's wrong with me. It's disgusting!"

"Ali, we won't think you're dithguthting," Rose assures her. "We're your betht friendth. We love you no matter what."

"I don't know, you guys. This is really embarrassing."

"Please?" I whine and push on the stall door again.

"Fine," Alice agrees. "But you have to swear on your lives that you won't tell anyone. I mean it!"

She slowly unlocks the door and swings it open. Sitting on the toilet, wiping her eyes with toilet paper, Alice looks exhausted. She peeks up at us through her lashes and whispers, "I have a disorder, one that you'd think would be awesome, but in reality, it's the most terrible affliction I can think of."

Rose and I nod, willing her to continue. What the hell could this be?

"I have PGAD."

"Umm… P what?" Rose looks at me in confusion.

"P-G-A-D. PGAD. It stands for persistent genital arousal disorder. Basically, I have orgasms all the time, but mostly they're triggered when I hear someone swearing." Alice drops her head into her hands and starts sobbing. "You guys have to think I'm so gross!"

"No, Alice," I intervene, going into the stall with her and giving her a hug. "We don't think you're gross… weird, yes, but you already know that. And you're right… that does sound pretty awesome at first. But it obviously is a curse. Do you want to tell us more about it?"

And tell us more she did. We spent the rest of that afternoon in the stall with her, just listening to her cry and tell us about PGAD. Come to find out that's why she stopped hanging out with us so often, why she wouldn't come to sleep-overs, and why she'd run from the classroom abruptly and not be back for awhile. I always assumed she had a bowel problem, but I wasn't too far from the body region she was finding bothersome. Unfortunately, cursing was a trigger, and I swore like a sailor in high school. After she bared her soul to Rose and me, I tried my best to cut it out of my vernacular. It was really difficult at first, and I ended up sending her running to bathrooms more than she appreciated. Eventually, she figured out that if she got herself off, then her uncontrolled orgasms weren't as intense, and she could hide them when we were in public. However, this meant she had to take "poon breaks" whenever we went somewhere. Later, we just started referring to them as "PBs" and no one else ever suspected a thing.

"Do you want uth to leave, Ali?" asked Rose, getting up from the couch.

"Mmm… no, Rose. Oh… my… ungh," Alice grunted, shaking in her seat. She uncurled herself and rested her feet back on the floor. "I think I'm done. I missed my last 'PB' at work today because of a crappy staff meeting, and when that guy on TV said he liked 'shooting the s-h-i-t' with his friends, I just couldn't contain myself."

"Okay," Rose acquiesced, and sat back down next to me again. "Well, maybe you thould go take care of your needth now."

"I should be good for awhile, but thanks for reminding me. That one was pretty strong, so I'll finish watching this show before calling it a night."

They smiled at each other and went back to ogling the three men on the TV. Sure, I loved me some hunky man-meat, but I wanted mine to be ripped, with thighs of steel and an ass that didn't budge when I squeezed it. The puny dorks I was currently faced with had much to be desired. One was balding… gross. Another had bigger boobs than me… super eww. And the last guy couldn't stop grabbing his junk. What was with that, anyway? Did they have to make sure it hadn't accidentally fallen off? Or was the reason to constantly play with it so it was always at half-mast, giving ladies a false impression of endowment? The world may never know.

"Well, as much as I love spending time with my two beautiful ladies," I interrupted and passed the bowl to Alice, "I can't stomach this show anymore."

"But you have to thtay and watch it with uth, Bella," Rose whined. "And bethideth, we have an announthement for you."

Fuck. I hated it when they did this to me. They always swore it was for my own good, but more often than not, I'd end up regretting a one night stand or having hair removed from my lady bits in the worst possible manner. I still have scars, but I digress.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I practically yelled and bounced up from the couch. "You guys know I hate surprises, and whenever you try to do things for me, it ends up eight ways of wrong. So, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll pass this time."

"You can't, sweetie," pouted Alice, grabbing my arm so I couldn't get away. "We already booked the flight and we leave next week."

I stared down at her in horror, but she wasn't fazed. She and Rose stared straight back up at me, waiting for my response, but I was so blinded with fear that words were unable to form at the moment.

"Don't you want to know where we're going?" asked Rose, smiling so big I'm surprised her cheeks hadn't exploded.

I didn't respond. My brain was still trying to catch up to the fact that we were going to be on a plane within the next seven days, and they'd gone behind my back to set it up.

"We're going to California!" they exclaimed together, catching me further off-guard.

"And don't you want to know why?" Alice continued, now holding me in place so I wouldn't fall on my ass.

Alice turned to Rose, then they both jumped up, each taking an arm and squealed, "We're going to be contestants on 'Dating in the Dark'!"

"What!" I screamed, losing my balance and falling straight backwards. It wouldn't have been enough just to fall on the floor… no never. Instead, I fell onto the glass coffee table, tearing a huge gash through my upper arm. "Ouch! Fuck!"

"Bella! You said… oh, god!" Alice started reaching for me instinctually, but withdrew her arms as soon as I uttered the "F" word. She landed on the floor next to me, taken over by her disorder.

"Rose, do something!" I hollered, blood squirting from arm.

She ran to the bathroom and quickly returned holding a bath towel. Sinking to the floor, she held the towel firmly to my bloodstained arm.

"Thtay calm, Bella. Try to let your heart rate thlow down, or you'll lothe too much blood."

"Yes, yes, yes!" Alice wailed, squirming around.

Looking over at Alice, Rose rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Well, the's no help. I have to call 9-1-1. You're bleeding too much. Are you okay keeping thith tight on your arm while I get the phone?"

I nodded, maneuvering around carefully to take the towel from her. Rose ran to the kitchen to get the phone, but the second she hit the tile, her feet flew out from underneath her and she landed flat on her back. Her head smacked on the floor and she was knocked out cold.

"Shit!" I cursed, trying to get off the floor.

"No! Not again!" Alice yelled, and writhed around as another orgasm racked her body.

"Aaahh! Do I have to do everything myself?"

Pushing off the floor, I hobbled to the kitchen realizing Rose slipped on water that had spilled from the dog's dish. "Dammit, Pugsy! Why the hell are you so messy?" I shouted at the dog who was nowhere to be found.

Finally reaching the phone, I dialed the much needed emergency service. Hoping to hell they'd show up fast, I felt myself getting woozy from blood loss. I sunk to my knees, gripping the counter for support. Just then, Alice came into the kitchen, catching me before I made out with the tile.

"9-1-1. What is your emergency?" the dispatcher asked through the phone.

"Help," was all I managed to say before passing out completely.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

The next week sucked. I had to listen to Rose complain about not hearing back from the hot EMT guy who transported her to the hospital, and Alice was having a rough time controlling her… urges. She was nervous and excited about our trip and that kicked her symptoms into high gear. I had to call her work and ask that she take off for the three days before we left because she couldn't make it out of her room for more than twenty minutes without experiencing… discomfort.

Thankfully, my arm was healing rather nicely. Twenty-eight stitches and two pints of packed red blood cells later, I was happy to show off my war wound. Never mind that I told my coworkers it happened at the rink. They didn't need to know I was slightly clumsy and prone to accidents. What they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

Unfortunately, my happy little injury wouldn't keep me smiling for long. No matter how many times I bugged Alice and Rose about the trip, they weren't joking when they said we'd be leaving for California within a week. They were going to kidnap me from our home in Madison, Wisconsin and parade me around on a game show that I detested. I was looking forward to this trip about as much as getting my legs waxed. They were so going to pay for this.

"You have to bring these, Bella," Alice chimed, pulling various barely-there panties from my dresser and throwing them in my suitcase on the floor. "I can't let you wear your granny panties while we're away. What kind of friend would that make me?"

"If you were a good friend, I wouldn't be in this mess," I countered, flopping down lifelessly onto my bed. "Why? Why would you do this to me?"

"Oh, thuck it up, Bella," Rose shouted down the hall from her room. "I know you're gonna end up having fun, and you never know… you may find your thoul mate, too."

"Highly unlikely," I moped, throwing my arm over my eyes. "With the losers I've seen on that show so far, I'll be lucky not to laugh in their faces when they do the big reveal at the end."

I could practically hear the eye rolls. They both knew I was a party pooper, but I was planning on making their lives miserable for the rest of eternity if this ended badly, and I'm sure they knew that, too.

"I really don't understand why you have to be so negative all the time," started Alice, bending over to pick up my suitcase. She carried it over to my closet, slid open the door, and began rooting through my clothes. "Well, crap. All I see are t-shirts, jeans, and sweatpants. You have worse fashion sense than a third grader. I guess I have to blame myself, though."

She turned around, abandoning my wardrobe, and took a flying leap on top of me, pinning me to the bed, cowgirl style. Pulling my arm off my face, she said, "I've let you down, Bella. Actually, I'm surprised you've managed to get laid at all wearing those atrocious clothes. I'll tell you what… I'm going to take you to my store, and we're going to pick out an entire new closet for you." Alice reared back and started clapping as I groaned in disapproval. "Oooh, I'm so excited! Let's go!"

Immediately letting my limbs go limp, I laid motionless on the bed. "You'll have to drag me there. I won't go of my own accord. I protest this endeavor with all of my being, and don't deem it necessary in the least. There is absolutely nothing wrong with jeans, sweats, and t-shirts. They keep the good parts covered until I want someone to see them, and add tantalizing friction under certain pelvic grinding circumstances."

"Really?" huffed Rose, as her and Alice pulled me off the bed by my ankles and dragged me to the car. "You're gonna have to do better than that."

"Yeah," agreed Alice, strapping me into the backseat of the car. "Just because you work at Home Depot and the dress code is jeans and t-shirts, doesn't mean you have to live in them when you aren't there."

I whined the entire way to her store and while we were shopping. Alice and Rose picked out dresses, skirts, high heels, and even frilly, lacey unmentionables. They weren't lying when they said they'd go all out and replace my whole wardrobe. I convinced them to hang onto essential pieces for my job and working out, but that only left me with four original outfits. Everything else that now hugged my hangers was girly to the nth degree, and I was being forced to like it.

The only good thing I was looking forward to was getting away from that shithole of a job for a week. Stocking shelves, mixing paint, and getting drooled over by dirty, pot-bellied, middle-aged, balding men wasn't exactly my ideal job, but it paid the bills and worked around my hockey schedule, so I suffered through it. Maybe I would find the man of my dreams on this god-forsaken game-show, and he'd make enough money so I'd never have to work again. Ha! That's even less likely than me enjoying myself for more than five minutes.

The morning of our departure, I woke to my alarm clock blaring… at three AM. Damn airlines and their crazy-ass flights. Not to mention the insanity that is check-in, or making it through security without getting strip searched. We had a seven o'clock flight, but had to arrive two hours before, just to battle that hellacious mess.

Literally rolling out of bed onto the floor, I crawled to my door, cracking it open slightly. I peeked down the hall and everything was still dark. Good. Maybe they forgot me in their haste to leave. I could go for some quiet time.

As I started to shut the door and return to the haven of suffocating myself in my comforter, tiny fingers curled around the door frame. Dammit. So close.

"Did you think we forgot you?" Alice asked. "Not a chance, babe."

She completely pushed open my door, Rose standing arms crossed behind her, both glaring daggers at me on the floor. I smiled sheepishly up at them, shrugging my shoulders.

"I was hoping, but it seems you're still here."

"That'th right, chica," Rose stepped closer, standing inside my room now, pointing her perfectly manicured finger in my face. "You have two optthionth. One… get yourthelf ready and prethentable, or two… we do it for you. And you know we won't be gentle."

"Fine," I spat back at them in defeat. "I'll get ready, but I'm not gonna like it, and you two are gonna regret this little venture for the rest of your lives."

I got myself ready under the ever-watchful eyes of my roommates, and we were off to the airport before I had the chance to make a break for it. While I schemed about opportunities for escape, we made our way to our terminal and waited not so patiently for the flight. I tried several times to evade my captors by claiming I had to pee, but each time someone would go with me. They could have just strapped one of those child leashes around my waist and called it a day, but I think they were secretly enjoying watching me squirm.

Eventually, we boarded our flight and were on our way to sunny California. Major shit balls. That's right; this was really happening. I was currently being rail-roaded by my two best friends, forced to dress in over priced couture, and taken hostage across state lines, all to supposedly be swept off my feet by love at first sight on a show where you couldn't even see the other person. My life was fucked more ways than Jenna Jameson, and, I can assure you, I wasn't enjoying it like she does.

A/N: Whatcha think? We've met our girls and they're all kinds of fun. Hockey-ella is in for some fun, whether she likes it or not, Alice has her... issues to contend with, and Rose has a speech impediment. Next up, the boys! Plenty more surprises to come!

Drop me a review and get a teaser of EPOV from chapter 2!

Oh... I guess I should mention that this shares the same title has my hubs' fic. If you've read his version, I PROMISE you, mine is not a parody like his. Just good, clean, hilarity and canon pairings to wet your palate! ;) If you're so inclined... he's linked on my profile, and you can check out his stuff, too. Tell him I sent you!