AN: They don't belong to me - that should be clear by now, but I love them all, so what can I do? I'll return them in the morning, unless Logan Cale, „protector of all that is good and true", advocates larceny and lets me keep the whole shebang or, who knows, even calls the store and has „them" charge everything to him.

I love all feedback, even flames, so feel free to express yourselves. If for some incredible reason you want to archive this, please ask first: [email protected]

Well, I had several parts of this already written out and after reading the transcript of „Exposure" I finally got myself down to put a beginning and an ending to the angst fest.

I felt Max had hurt Logan too much already and she really needed a wake up call. This is it. They need to fall in love again, don't you think so ? But it is really dark.

This part is just the prologue, setting things in space and time (after Exposure). Actually it is pure angst. Disaster strikes a chapter later. Until then, angst away:

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YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL...

 

Part One

„You did a good thing, Max"

It had been two weeks since she had last seen him. Two weeks since her fateful words: „I can't". A lot had happened since. Things that had turned her little world upside down even more than it already was. Things she would have normally shared with him. But nope, she hadn't seen him in two weeks.

Had they ever been apart for so long ? Had they ever stayed away from each other  for 2 weeks ? Well, there was her Manticore „sojourn". That didn't really count. It had been hell for both of them. But before that and even afterwards, regardless of the virus, when they had a fall out, they never *could* stay apart for long. Two endless weeks.

Actually she hadn't even had the time to think about it until now. It was for the first time in 2 weeks that she returned to the Space Needle. Yes, she missed Logan, but Joshua's loss had hit her hard, too, finally waking her up from the dream of normalcy. It could have been Logan instead of Annie. What had he said when they had first met: „the universe is right on schedule". If they hadn't broken up after Logan's last brush with the virus it would have certainly happened after Annie's death. Any which way she looked at things, it had been for the best.

 

The last few days hadn't allowed her much respite or time to brood anyway. More and more transgenics were hunted down, accused of crimes they hadn't committed and she felt responsible - for all of them. Alec was the only one she could count on now, the only one, who, like her, could go out undetected while the crazed inhabitants of the city reacted to the „threat" of the unknown. If she had to be truthful she didn't resent Alec so much anymore. He had grown on her in an endearing way. And yet somehow he was the same unreliable, immature prick she had always believed him to be. Except that now she considered him family, too, along with Joshua. Pathetic threesome that they were, they still had each other. The corners of her mouth went up a few barely visible millimeters. Lucky they had hooked up.

Then why the fuck was she feeling so alone against the world ? She had Alec to help her with rescue missions, Joshua to talk to and cuddle with and even Original Cindy for girly stuff. While she had been crashing mostly at Joshua's - to help him get over his loss, she said to herself - the truth was that she couldn't look Original Cindy in the eyes anymore. Her homegirl had made it clear what she thought of breaking up in times of need. Sure, since then she had been very supportive and understanding. She hadn't even uttered one word about Logan. It didn't matter though, when looking at the feisty girl, Max always imagined her blaming every moment of sorrow on the own fucked up feelings: „If you're feeling miserable, it's your own fault, boo. Gotta stick together when hard times hit." And by that she wouldn't exactly mean herself.

 

This train if thought didn't help Max at all. She felt desolate like never before. Was that how Zack had felt ? Left alone in a hostile world to care for his siblings, alone, since he considered Max, his second in command, unreliable and too dangerous to even give her the contact number ? Had he ever felt so burdened by his self imposed responsibility ?  No wonder he was always so grumpy and moody and didn't let himself come too close.

 Max crumpled on the cold metal surface, drawing her knees to her chin. She missed Zack, too. Now she finally understood. Who would have thought ? She not only understood, she also approved of his opinion.  Well, at least partly. Love might not be phony sentimentality but it certainly was a weakness she could not afford.

Damn him for being right ! Damn him for leaving her alone in the world, alone with the oppressive weight of responsibility, with the knowledge that she could not belong. Her dreams of a normal life had been blown away. The illusion of a normal life had vanished. The only thing she still felt in midst of the numbness was her shattered heart. A shudder went through her at the thought. Not even that, it belonged to Zack after all. Guilt, emptiness and darkness. Forever hers.

She slowly descended off the Space Needle and pretended not to hear the faint voice in her head whispering: „Forever dark. Somebody's angel". She pretended not to draw unexpected comfort from the words spoken long ago and the warm sensation they conjured.

She was back in the dirty streets of Seattle again, the moment for soul searching had past. Just in time, too, since she didn't actually know how to explain away the sudden determination and strength she had somehow found in herself. Tomorrow was another day. She was ready for whatever White would throw at her, whatever life decided to hit her with.