Chapter 4

The next morning, Ed sat at the kitchen table, eating some cereal (with as little milk as possible) and kicked his legs happily as he read the morning newspaper. Though the entire morning he avoided eye contact with Roy and the very few times they did make contact, Ed would blush and look away, scanning the newspaper again and shoving the cereal in his mouth as if he was trying to get his mind off something.

Although he seemed to be avoiding Roy, Edward appeared to be in a good mood that morning. Unfortunately the same could not be said for Roy. He got very little sleep last night thinking over everything from the past week and trying to sort out his feelings. Rubbing his face, he sat down at the table across from Edward and set down his coffee. Blankly staring down at it, he gave a small sigh.

The conclusion he reached last night terrified him. There was just no other way to put it. Edward was still technically a child, and his subordinate. And, he forcefully reminded himself, was still getting over both the physical and emotional effects of his rape. Telling him how he felt right now could have such a range of results... Edward was still slightly unstable right now, vulnerable. Last night he had given up and finally admitted to himself that he loved Edward. That had been something huge for him. But to admit it to Edward? He wasn't going to deny it, he wanted to. But for Edward's sake right now... it would be better to wait. For what, he wasn't sure.

Ed placed his spoon in his empty bowl of cereal with a clang and set the paper down, noticing that Roy was sitting quietly across the table from him, staring blankly into his cup. Ed blinked, not liking the silence between them and studied Roy for a bit.

"U-Um..." he managed to squeak out shyly. "Are you okay? You look tired... Did you not sleep well last night?" he asked and blushed a little. He wondered if Roy really did catch him in the act of kissing him lightly and shrugged, blushing deeper. The thought of keeping Roy awake after he looked so peaceful because of what he did made Ed feel guilty. He then folded his hands in his lap and shrugged sadly, looking at his feet.

Roy blinked and snapped out of his thoughts, glancing up at Edward. He immediately noticed that his cheerful mood from before was gone, and he was looking down sadly. Feeling a pang of guilt for somehow making him down again, Roy looked away and took a sip from his coffee. "Oh, no, I'm fine. I'm just..." he trailed off, unsure what his excuse was going to be but knowing it was too late to use one now. He opted for taking another large gulp of his coffee, thinking wistfully that he would prefer something a bit stronger at the moment.

Ed shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He knew what Roy was thinking, but didn't want to admit it to himself. "You don't look fine..." he muttered, unsure why he uttered those words out loud, but did. Ed then shook his head. "N-Never mind..." he said and looked up at Roy, smiling widely but not very bright. He then hopped out of his seat and went to put his empty bowl in the sink.

Roy followed him and set his empty mug down on the counter beside the sink before leaning against it, noticing the smile was slightly forced. Reaching out, he ruffled Ed's hair a bit. "Sorry, it's nothing to worry about. I really am fine, just a bit tired I guess... But what about you? How are you feeling now?" He had refrained from asking Edward this for a good part of the week to give him some space, but he really wanted to know how he was holding up, if he was still in a lot of pain.

Ed blinked up at Roy and shrugged a bit. "I'm fine... It doesn't hurt as bad anymore. And since I've been out of work for a week, I've been getting more sleep," he said and went back to rinsing out his bowl. He didn't say anymore than that. He wanted to talk about it with Roy, but he didn't know how he would react or what he would say.

Roy nodded as he leaned against the counter. Just how long would it be before he could no longer cover for them and they would have to go back to work? Because really, Edward did seem to be getting better, and he didn't want his health to drop again from going out on missions. But he might have no choice soon...

Ed sighed and finished rinsing his bowl, drying it off and placing it back in the cupboard. He then risked glancing up and Roy and quickly moved around him toward the kitchen door, keeping his head low. "I'm going to go change..." he muttered and ran up the stairs before Roy could answer.

Roy watched Edward run up the stairs, wondering if he upset the blond at all. He seemed so cheerful just a little while ago, too… In fact, Roy didn't think he'd seen Edward looking that good in a long time. With a small sigh he turned to the sink and began washing the remaining dishes while his mind wandered on the past week. Sometimes Edward wanted to talk, but more often than not he just pushed him away. But despite that, Roy couldn't help but feel that these past few days, his home seemed…. more like home. He would grudgingly admit to himself, sometimes it got lonely here, living in this big house, all alone. But Edward seemed to make the whole place brighter.

The corner of Roy's mouth twitched upwards. Oh dear, he was starting to become such a sap… Drying the last plate, he set it in the cupboard and dried his hands; glancing around the kitchen to be sure everything was clean. Most people assumed that he was unorganized and messy around his house, because of the state of his office, but that wasn't the case. This was the place he lived in, after all, and he was going to keep it clean and clear.

Stifling a yawn, Roy wandered into the living room and plopped himself down on the couch with a sigh. He hadn't slept much the previous night, his worries over Edward keeping him up. Stretching out along the length of the couch, he settled back into the arm of it, intending to just rest his eyes a bit.

Ed darted into his room and slammed the door shut. He was frustrated with himself right now. Pacing back and forth, Ed began to think of what happened the previous week along with what he did just last night. Ed gently put his hand to his lips and blushed. "Dammit, Edward! What the hell were you thinking?" he yelled at himself, beginning to pace back and forth again. The fact that he and the Colonel were starting to become close scared him a bit. He was confused and didn't know if he actually loved the Colonel or if he just desperately wanted to be close to someone now of all times.

Sighing, Ed ran a hand through his bangs and sat on his bed, running everything through his head. There was no way he could go back home. He supposed he should at least tell the police what happened to his apartment. Ed then paled. 'I can't let people know. No, if I tell them about my apartment, they might somehow find out about my rape too... And then...' Ed blushed a bit. 'And then everyone will find out I'm living here. No, I can't put the Colonel in danger...' he thought, shaking his head.

Ed placed both of his hands to his head and rested his forehead against his knees, letting out a frustrated groan. "What the hell am I going to do...?" he wondered out loud, feeling the tears threatening to spill. He knew that sooner or later, he and the Colonel would have to go back to work, and truthfully, he wasn't ready to leave the house just yet. Ed then got up and started pacing again, his heart starting to quicken with his footsteps and his face stretched into panic. "Alright, j-just calm down. Everything will be alright..." he tried to convince himself, but it wasn't working. He needed another voice to tell him that and Ed knew, there was only one other person in the house.

Ed shrugged, thinking over whether he wanted to go to the Colonel or not then looked around the room, shivering slightly. The bedroom seemed so dark and lonely and Ed didn't like it. Going over to his dresser, Ed pulled out a change of clothes and quickly got dressed before heading back downstairs.

Ed listened for a moment for any signs of movement from Mustang to figure out where in the house he was, but didn't hear any. Ed began to feel a bit of panic shoot through him. What if he left him in the house alone? Ed started to move toward the kitchen, but stopped when he saw a figure sprawled out on the couch and sighed. 'He's just asleep..' he thought and smiled a bit before it dropped into a frown. If the Colonel was this tired, then that means he probably didn't get enough sleep the night before, and Ed blamed that on himself.

Sighing, Ed decided to sit over in the chair until he woke up. As he sat there, Ed found himself looking around the room and fidgeting a lot. He was bored and also desired attention. Looking back at Mustang, Ed swallowed the lump in his throat. 'Should I wake him up or leave him...?' he wondered, getting up and walking over to stand next to the couch, hovering over Roy. Ed made a small whining noise, but it didn't seem to jar Roy awake. He finally convinced himself that he didn't like being alone, even if the person that was with him was sleeping.

"Colonel..." he muttered softly, poking him in the shoulder. Nothing. "Hey! Colonel bastard!" he said a little more loudly. That got him to stir and roll over. Ed was getting both angry and upset. "Wake up, idiot!" he said, poking Roy's cheek. This resulted in Roy brushing Ed's hand away. Ed gave up and felt his tears slipping again. He didn't understand why he was so scared of being alone, but he was. Without realizing what he was doing, Ed laid himself down on the couch behind Roy and snuggled against his back. Ed then smiled, feeling a little better and decided to fall asleep next to him.

Warm afternoon sunlight streamed into the living room through large windows, falling upon the two figures on the couch. Roy stirred slightly, aware of a comfortable weight resting on his shoulder, and he moved to pull the warmth closer to him, wrapping his arms around it protectively. Sighing contently, he had every intention of drifting back into his peaceful sleep, until something began to lightly brush across his nose whenever he took a breath.

Cracking one dark eye open, he spotted a few strands of gold waving in his vision. Blinking both eyes open, he discovered Edward curled up next to him, his head resting comfortably on Roy's shoulder as he slept. Roy, on the other hand, had his arms wrapped around the younger's waist and was holding him close.

He smiled down at the young alchemist, briefly entertaining the thought that Edward looked rather adorable when he slept. Blinking, he mentally shook his head. This was probably bad, Edward would surely freak out if he woke up to find him like this. But... Some part of him really didn't want to let go quite yet.

Ed shifted slightly in his sleep and nuzzled closer to the warm figure next to him. It was peaceful and relaxing and he found he was having a good dream. It was about his brother. He was alive and well and the two were laughing together and having a good time like they use to. Al reached over and hugged him, telling him things were okay and that he wouldn't let anyone hurt his big brother. Ed smiled in his sleep, tightening his hug around Roy. "Don't leave me, Al..." he mumbled.

Roy froze and glanced down at Ed, unsure what to do now. Ed thought he was Alphonse...? 'Of course, that makes sense, that's the only reason he would be hugging me anyway...' he reasoned, getting annoyed with himself when he felt a small pang of disappointment. Biting his lip, he hesitated for a moment before saying quietly, "I'm not going anywhere, Edward."

Ed's face wrinkled in confusion when the voice that answered him didn't sound like his brother at all. Ed slowly blinked his eyes open and groggily stared at the fibers and stitching in Roy's white shirt before lifting his head to stare into onyx eyes. Ed stared confused for a moment before his eyes widened and he quickly sat up in shock, trying to remember what happened before he fell asleep. 'T-That's right... I fell asleep next to him cause... cause I didn't want to be alone..' he thought, disappointed that his dream wasn't real. He then slid himself off the couch and looked to Roy apologetically. "I-I'm sorry..." he said, finding it hard to come up with an excuse as to why he fell asleep next to him. The real reason he felt was stupid and he didn't need to tell Mustang the truth.

"What? Oh, no, it's alright. I just..." Roy's eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. "I... thought you would be upset, or angry with me..." Honestly, Roy thought he would be the one apologizing. But he had the feeling that Edward hadn't noticed the way Roy had been holding him. Stifling a yawn, he sat up and moved over on the couch to lean against an armrest. Glancing at the clock up on the mantle, Roy was shocked to find it was already mid-afternoon. 'I really slept that long...?'

Ed shrugged, feeling a bit awkward just standing there. 'Now what...?' he wondered to himself. It was bad enough that he fell asleep and snuggled up next to the Colonel to begin with, but then to think that he thought Mustang was actually his younger brother. 'Fucking idiot...' Ed scolded himself. He wished his brother really was here. That pain of loneliness shot back into his chest again. Ed sighed and slowly sat down on the couch next to Roy, making sure to keep some space in between them. "The truth is..." he started out slowly, making sure to get Roy's attention. "I was... afraid... Afraid of being alone... You wouldn't wake up, so I lied down next to you..." he mumbled and then slightly turned his head away to stare at the plant in the corner of the room that looked like it badly needed to be watered.

'Ah, so that's what it was...' He glanced over to see Ed looking away from him at something in the corner. "Ah... Well, I'm sorry for not being there when you were...feeling lonely," he apologized. It had been difficult the past week to figure out when Edward wanted somebody to be with him, and when he just wanted space. Roy ran a hand through his hair and began hesitantly. "To be quite honest, I'm never sure when it is you want to be left alone... I know that you probably hate that you have to stay here, and I just wanted to give you some space."

Ed looked up at him sadly and guiltily, shrugging. "I'm sorry..." he said, looking away from him again. He was right. Ed was always distant from Mustang and then when he so desired attention, he made it look like he was pushing him away. "I'm really sorry... I'm just so confused. I wish I had my brother here with me to tell me things would be okay. I want someone to hold and comfort me. It's just not fair... after everything we've been through, Al was taken from me, my only family. I wish things would just go back to the way they were..." he said and sobbed. "Everything's been taken from me!"

Roy slung his arm over the back of the couch and tipped his head to gaze at the ceiling. "Yes... I think everybody has had that wish at some point. But, you can't go back. And you can't bring back the dead." He sighed. "What you can do, though, is move past it. Even though it's hard, and painful, you can't go back. But..." He tipped his head back down and gave Edward a small smile. "You haven't lost everything. Believe me. You still have people looking out for you," he finished quietly.

Ed slowly pulled his hands away from his face and stared at his palms, the tears silently patting on his automail and flesh hand. He then slowly turned his head to look at Roy, trying to read the expression on his face. It looked soft, gentle, and caring, but also sad. Ed placed his right hand down on his lap while he kept the other up to rub away the tears. He was right. He had to keep moving forward and can't turn back now. He already learned once from trying to bring back his mother. Even though he would never try human transmutation again, he still couldn't push away that longing to have his brother back and that feeling of guilt that his death was his fault. Trying to move forward without that one person by your side was hard and agonizing. After brushing away all his tears, Ed looked back at Roy with a sad smile. "Yeah... I guess you're right. It's just hard..." he said and shrugged but didn't say anymore after that.

Roy watched him quietly for a moment, and then shifted closer to gently pull Edward to his chest in a one-armed hug. "If you ever want to talk about it, you know I'll always be willing to listen. If you don't want to, yet, I understand completely." A slight hesitation, then, "Maybe it's not my place to say this, but... I think he would want you to be happy. He would want what's best for you."

Ed jumped a little when Roy pulled him into a one-armed hug, but then relaxed a bit, scooting a bit closer to him and cuddling closer. He liked this warmth. It was comforting and soothing and he felt safe in these arms. Smiling, Ed leaned his head on Roy's chest and sighed. "Thanks..." he muttered softly and rested his eyes. "I know Al would probably be pissed off at me right now for being so weak..." he said and let out a small laugh.

Roy was surprised when Ed didn't flinch away, but instead moved in closer, and he gently rubbed his back as he spoke. "Crying isn't a weakness, Ed. If anything, you keep your emotions bottled up more than you should. The people around you get worried for you when you do that." He frowned slightly. 'Like me... Why won't you let us see when you're hurting?' Thinking back on it, Roy had always kept an eye on him at work, always checked to make sure Ed wasn't suffering in silence. Sometimes, though, it was too difficult to tell.

Ed's eyebrows furrowed together in frustration. "I don't want to let others worry about me... Why should they, when they have more important things to worry about?" he asked, keeping his voice a steady tone and staring straight forward. "If I let my emotions out more, I'd probably be crying everyday..." he muttered and sweat dropped. He imagined that to be annoying as hell for others, and truthfully, that's all he had been doing since his rape. He wondered if Roy got sick of his bawling lately. "I can handle the pain..."

Roy gave a small sigh and pulled Ed a bit closer. "Just because you can, doesn't mean that you should try to do these things all by yourself. We- I want to be able to help you with the things you shouldn't have to bear by yourself! It's frustrating, not knowing if you're really in pain and just putting up a front or not..." He rubbed his face with his free hand, sighing softly as he realized he said more than he intended.

Ed looked up at Roy surprised. Did he really care about him that much? Ed looked down a bit sadly and bit his lip. "I... I didn't realize..." he said at a loss for words. He had no idea that Mustang, out of all people, was truly worried about him and what he was feeling. "I'm sorry..." he said again and looked back up at him with a look of regret. "I had... no idea how much you cared..." he mumbled and blushed a bit.

Roy quirked a smile and rested his chin on top of Edward's head. "Stop apologizing..." he murmured, and slid his eyes closed. After a moment he opened them again, and glanced over to the corner of the room. Fighting a smile as he raised an eyebrow, he asked, "Any particular reason you where staring at my houseplant before?"

Ed blinked his eyes open and glanced back over at the wilted looking house plant. "No particular reason... It just looks old and dried up..." he mumbled, then with a smirk, playfully said "Like you...You should water it."

Rolling his eyes at the jab at his age, Roy cleared his throat importantly. "For your information, it is a rare type of cactus, and doesn't need water that often," he said with a sniff. Though he was glad that Edward seemed to be acting like himself enough to go back to his favorite pastime: insulting Roy.

Ed cracked a smile at him by the way Roy was pretending to be insulted. He giggled a bit and shook his head. "Okay, okay... It's a rare cactus. It still looks pretty ugly though," he said teasingly. "So, how'd you get the thing...?"

"Well, it's actually got an interesting story behind it," he explained, gesturing at the plant. "I got it shipped from Xing. It was sent from one of the many royalty, actually, turns out one of the higher-ups in the military had tried to bribe them, and they weren't too happy about that." Roy rolled his eyes. "They laced the barbs on it with poison, but owing to an odd stroke of luck, they got the information wrong and it got sent to my office instead. If said higher-up had obtained it, he certainly would have been dead within the hour. But it turns out the poison was made with a highly flammable chemical, one I was familiar with, so I noticed the poison and had it removed. I decided to keep the cactus as a bit of a... memento, if you will, of the event." He finished proudly.

Ed blinked up at him after he told that story and gave him a perplexed look. "Wow... that seems like one far-fetched story..." he said and sweat dropped. "So, did you name it too?" he asked jokingly.

There was an awkward pause.

"What! Did you really?" Ed asked, taking the awkward silence as a yes. Instead of making some smart remark though, Ed just busted out laughing, falling over on the couch as he clutched his sides. "Ahahaha! Geez! Only little kids name their plants! It's just as bad as having a pet rock!" he said and continued to crack up, rolling around on the couch.

Roy coughed lightly. "It... it was more of a joke than anything, naming hi- it," he defended, but as Edward just kept laughing beside him, he couldn't help but join in at the absurd conversation. It was good to hear Ed laugh again.

Ed finally stopped his rapid giggling and took a few deep breaths, letting out a chuckle or two every now and then and reached up to wipe the tears in his eyes. However, these tears weren't from sadness or despair, but they were tears of laughter and joy. Ed then sat up a bit and grinned widely. "I'm sorry, but that was just too funny," he said and sighed happily.

Still chuckling, Roy gently bopped him on the head. "Hey, no more apologizing, got it? Now... As we both completely ignored lunch, I think some food is in order." He pushed himself off of the couch, stretching slowly and wincing as his back gave a loud pop.

Ed nodded and got off the couch as well, ready to follow Roy into the kitchen and grab some food. "Soooo..." he said while they entered through the kitchen door, a smirk playing on Ed's lips. "What's its name?"

"Oh come on, I really don't think-"

"Don't think what? You didn't deny you named it. So what's its name?"

"Like I said, it was really just because of a joke-"

"Yeah, yeah... a joke. I got all that. What's its name?"

"It really has nothing to do with anything, so I really-"

Ed rolled his eyes and placed his hands on his hips. "Just give me a damn name already, Mustang!"

Roy stuttered for a moment, before Ed's glare finally made him cross his arms and glare at a wall, face flushed in embarrassment.

"...Fredrick."

Ed stared at Roy for a moment before busting out laughing again. "Oh, I see. So it's a 'he'! Ahahahahaha! You're too much!" he said and walked past Roy to the fridge, fixing them lunch himself as his laughter still shook the kitchen. "Wouldn't want to get in between you and your pet," he said, finishing making his sandwich and walked out of the kitchen, his laughter could still be heard from the living room.

End chapter 4