Dedication: With all the love and strength I can possibly muster.. I dedicate the remainder of this story to Tasha..the reviewer who made me believe I was worth something, that my writing was worth reading, and that it's never too late to dream. Her reviews single handedly inspired me to keep going, keep fighting, and keep being Aly. I'm not going to change who I am for anyone..and I'm not going to give up on my own dreams for anyone. Tasha, your belief in me reminded me that there are still fanfic readers and writers out there that enjoy my work. Thank you. The Lily James Romance is devoted to you…. Thank you so much…and thank ALL MY REVIEWERS!
Chapter Seven: Everything I've ever Known
"it's always raining in my head"
so I speak to you in riddles
because my words get in my way
what's the point in all this screaming?
No one's listening anyway."
Lily slid her jeans on over her bruised legs, only wincing once or twice. She'd been freed from the care of the Magical Hospital for close to a week now, but the pain had far from subsided. She had spent her first days back in the Gryfinndor dorms with Jenny; laying around, laughing, crying, reflecting, and their favorite pastime – eating. Jenny's idea of helping Lily to deal and heal from all her tremendous ordeals was a fairly simple..fairly basic…and in all actuality, brilliant. Jenny was her friend, was there, and loved her unconditionally as she always had. Even when she found Lily crying before the bathroom mirror at her battered reflection, she let her shed her tears and gave her all the space and time she needed.
In retrospect, it was a form of self-pity, but Lily couldn't fight it. The betrayal..all the lies..all the time and energy she spent…she wasted on someone who never wanted her anyway…. and if it hadn't been for James she would have died that very night. Cold and alone at the hands of a face that had once loved her dearly but fell to corruption and power..like so many other wizards clinging to Voldemort's memory and promise.Any love she had ever known was just a lie. Days like these she missed her Grandmother with such blind desire and longing she could feel her soul dissolving like sand between her fingers. Then there was James….James….what a terrible situation that had been. More often than she cared to admit her mind would quietly fade back to his place in the back of her memories… but rather than comfort her, the memories only reminded her that they were all that she had left …all because of Voldemort….Greg…those bastards. The night still seemed vivid in her mind, Greg's hallow eyes as he told her….
"Lily, you may have escaped, because of that git Potter, but you mark my words this is far from over."
"Leave him out of this." Lily whispered, from her hospital bed, but Greg had leaned down and shook her without mercy until his eyes were inches from her own and then…these words were the most painful…
"You love him…you idiot….I see it in your eyes…and you know what…let me just tell you that if you so much as bump shoulders with Potter I'll kill him slowly, Lily. Just try me. I can't kill you yet, but I can come deadly close, and if you don't think that I'm crazy enough to do it…..just try…just try." His words cut deep into Lily, and the physical pain that he had just inflicted paled in comparison to the emotional anguish of the days that were to follow.
Her reflection had even morphed into a frail, frightened girl…and Lily hated that more than anything. Growing up with boys, she was never one for social graces, poise, or delicate mannerisms at any cost. Facing the mirror…it's honesty was unbearable. Her varying shades of red wavy hair fell around her thin frame like a shield. Her arms and legs felt light and unsturdy …what once was muscle and confidence…now felt frail and unreliable. She covered her thinning arms and legs with a long sleeved green shirt and the softest pair of jeans she could find before collapsing onto her bed, stifling back tears of self pity and anger.
~~~~~
Jenny slipped in quietly, and gently sat down at the edge of Lily's bed.
"Lils." Jenny whispered, twisting her finger around one of Lily's curls.
"I'm sorry." Lily whimpered into her pillow. "I'm fine."
"Don't lie that badly to me." Jenny said, softly laughing. "Are you in a lot of pain?"
"No…not really."
"You don't look as bad as you feel..you know that right?"
"It's not that I'm afraid of being ugly… I just..feel thin and helpless…and damnit! I hate feeling weak!" Lily screamed into her pillow again.
"You aren't weak by any means. You survived the unthinkable, Lily."
"Like hell, if James hadn't….hadn't…"
"You miss him don't you?"
"Who Greg? Hell no." Lily said as she walked towards the door to go downstairs. She picked up her Arithmancy book and lightly twirled her wand between her fingers. The familiar solid wood gave her some sense of control…maybe she could do this.
"No, James."
"Him?" Lily asked, opening the door and stepping onto the balcony that overlooked the Common Room. Several Gryfinndors were slowly moving about the room, trying to shake off the sluggish feelings of early morning. Amongst them was James Potter, black hair shining whilst a piece of the sunrise reflected off the frame of his glasses as he left for breakfast.
"only every other thought…." She answered softly.
~~~~
Breakfast was long. Lily found herself staring at the full plate in front of her, gently rolling food from one side to another instead of eating anything. Lily was painfully reminded that James was across the table from her, and her stomach wrenched everytime she looked up. He thought she hated him for what he had done, even though he felt he only had her best interests at heart. But he didn't know about the threats, James had no idea that if Lily so much as made eye contact with him Greg would kill him. But…..it felt as if someone had taken a rope …strangling her heart from feeling anything. She was painfully conscious of the strong drumming of her own heart, but could do nothing to soothe it.
Sirius stood up and shoved his books under his arm and sadly shook his head as he left the table. Jenny was the next to leave, her eyes filled with tears. Soon Lily and James were nearly alone. Yet, while Lily was becoming anxious with the fact that Greg could see this as a threat, James was staring at her bowed crown of red hair, trying to see into her.
"Lily, please, just tell me what I did, I'll change this…..I swear…Lily…" James whispered leaning across the table to her, his voice filled with desperation. "..anything…I'll do it."
Lily pushed herself away from the table and walked away hurriedly, she didn't want to make a scene, but the tears falling from her eyes were not about to cease. James sat in silence at the table, numb, and confused.
~~
"Yeah, but Divinations was the worst today… I couldn't believe all this crap I'm just supposed to make up, I mean, give me a break, like I care what the future holds, whatever the hell happens, happens." Sirius said, slamming his book shut and rolling his seeing ball of the table.
"Oh for the love of Merlin, let me see." Lily yelled with a laugh, picking up his book and showing him the correct way.
"Hey, Ms. I-know-absolutely-everything-because-I-study-over-the-summer can you help me when you're done with that git?" Jenny asked, swishing her wand, repeatedly causing random objects to explode.
"This is going to be a long evening." Lily laughed. It was nice to feel her face turn up at the corners in a real smile again.
James walked into the room, with a casual grin. "Hey, Padfoot, we've got to go down to the field in an hour, you know…HUGE Quidditch match against Ravenclaw."
"I can't believe that they are this good our last year here, whenever they lost all the years before. I swear, something sneaky is going on with those people, too intelligent for their own good." Jenny said, smiling wickedly.
"You certainly won't find any intelligence on our Gryffindor team." Lily laughed as Sirius waved his wand and caught Jenny's pant leg on fire.
"Hey…well….She's got a point." Sirius mentioned, non chalantly stomping on Jenny's burning pant leg. "But that's your fault, you should be a better teacher."
"Sirius, if Lily helped you anymore she'd be doing your homework you prat." Jenny mused, walking with Lily towards the dormitories, still unaware of her charred pants.
"Hey, you guys are going to be out there tonight, right?" James asked, touching Lily's arm in passing.
"Duh." Jenny said.
"I will be there, just not…where you guys can see me." Lily said, walking up the stairs.
"What?"
"She's mysterious…I think that's sexy." Sirius whispered loudly.
"I think you're an idiot." Jenny said, smiling.
~~
"And that makes the score seventy to twenty with Gryffindor struggling behind."
"Seeker James Potter is circling madly, but he has to wait for two more goals."
"And now, …that was Sirius Black's amazing arm that sent that Bludger to knock off the Keeper Adam Retta, leaving that goal wide open."
"Yes! That's seventy to thirty for Gryffindor by a mad dash by Julie Spinnet."
"Ravenclaw Seeker Peter Masonal has spotted the snitch!!! He's diving - Almost there! And here is James Potter madly keeping him away even though he himself cannot catch the snitch yet either."
"Oh…Potter and Masonal have both been knocked from their brooms at the handiwork of Sirius Black."
"OH! FOLKS! THERE SHE GOES! Katie Thomas of the Gryffindor is speeding towards the Ravenclaw goal….she's inches….YES!! That's a seventy to forty score, and Potter knows it….he's on that broom….searching…."
"Adam Retta, keeper for Ravenclaw is now back into position, nose bloodied, but that's what Quidditch is about…anyway…."
"Potter's going, going, there it is…he's inches away. I guess Sirius Black is making up for knocking his own player off his broom by warding off Masonal…..Potter's there….YES!!! That's the game for Gryffindor! Great game tonight folks!"
Lily was breathless as she leaned out the Astrology tower watching the game, she had bewitched a magnifying glass into a thin glass of large portion that made her feel like she was really on the field. James face had looked so determined, and she found herself almost falling out into the dark night sky as she leaned closer to the glass that was floating outside her reach.
She steadied herself by grasping the stone pillar beside her then sliding to the floor where she hugged her thinning legs to her chest. What happened from here? How was she to get to James without getting him killed in the process? A strong sense of weakness floated over her as she closed her eyelids. The silence of dark was soon interrupted by footstep rapidly approaching the tower. Then before she could run, there was James, his Quidditch robes shining like a trophy and his smile even more so….but he looked broken, and soon his face sombered and he gave her a look that reached her more than his words would ever say….
"Lily…I haven't a clue what is going on…I don't even know who you are…." He whispered.
I haven't a reason,
a clue or a sign.
I haven't the slightest idea
His voice echoed softly in the room, the stars were all listening in…
of the shape of your heart
or the state of your mind
do you ever let anyone near?
"I think you are much more fragile than you let on." He whispered again.
"You have to leave…now…James…I'm serious…right now." She said frantically.
He walked closer to her, and she backed away, against the wall, tears falling silently on her face.
"Lily? You aren't…..afraid of me, are you?"he whispered softly, backing away.
Do you ever reach out with arms opened wide
do you ever jump in, closing your eyes
or are you one of the fortunate kind
alone but not lonely?
"Please…..please leave…this is for your own good…please James!" she said urgently, not weeping, but tears falling.
Everyday on the street
I study the faces
of those who rush on through the crowd
towards their own quiet worlds
their separate places
somewhere I'm never allowed
"No…I can't loose you, not like this….I'll change it…I'll make the world right again, just tell me what I did."
"It's not you…you are in grave danger by being here….you really are…you have to leave…now…just, pretend I never said anything…just go…while you still can." She begged again, her eyes frantically darting over his shoulder…her tiny hands trying to push him away.
"Are you in danger again?"
"Just GO!" she yelled.
"NO!"
"Then I will." She said, pushing past him, but he grabbed her arms and held her gaze.
"Tell me." he said firmly.
"Let me go."
"Lily….you can't keep running."
Cause I've always been one to say what I mean,
and then the next thing is done and I'm watching them leave
and I'm thinking, I wish I could be…
alone but not lonely.
"James, I love you… you know I love you….but everytime you are near me, it's just another…..threat."
"Greg." He said.
"Yes. He's going to kill you…now let me go!" she yelled.
So which one are you tonight
Do you change with the morning light?
Do you say more than what sounds right?
Do you say what you mean?
His hold on her arms was making her skin feel as if it was on fire….She didn't want to move, but she had no choice. Before she knew it, he had pulled her close to him, against him, and with his face just inches from her own they kissed, a time slowing embrace, but then just as it had started, it was gone, and she did not know how to stop loving him……
There are moments in time that are meant to be held
Like fragile, breakable things
there are others that pass us, you can't even tell
Such is their grace and their speed
"I'm not afraid of Voldemort, or Greg, or anything else trying to hold us apart for that matter. You are all I want Lily Evans, and nothing and no one can change that."
"As touching as that corny line was…you have to let me go right now, and I'm not kidding James. Let. Me. Go. Now!"
"Lily, drop the "I don't need you" barrier for a minute and listen to me. I'm not afraid of Greg and his empty threats because what I feel for you is not empty."
And this one is gone in the blink of an eye
You can ask me the truth but tonight I will lie
unflinching, I'll tell you that I'm…..
alone but not lonely.
Lily shoved his arms from her and took off running into the dimmed corridor of the astrology tower.