as the sea awaits the river

x

In the end, it was all for naught.

The very circumstances they needed to create her would be their undoing.

x

"And what is this, child?" Her voice is like badly forged steel. All appearances of strength but River can hear the brittle edge. One push and all that control would turn to dust.

"The TARDIS." She answers promptly, because she knows the punishment that comes with feigned stupidity. She also knows what punishment comes with refusal to answer.

"What is it? What does it do?" Madame's voice is tension cloaked in patience. Everything about her is something disguised as something else.

"Time and Relative Dimensions in Space." River responds. "It is a time machine. And a space ship."

"Very good Melody." Kovarian praises her, a hand hovering over her head and River bites her lip – because she shouldn't say it. She shouldn't say it. But she always does.

"My name is River." She cringes and looks up to see an impotent rage flash across Madame's face. It twists into ugly shapes and the colour is mottled as her hand lands in River's hair and she pulls, hard.

"Your name, child is Melody Pond. Stop it with this River Song nonsense!" She lets go of River's hair and River rubs her scalp with a tiny frown. She has learned from all of her mistakes, but something in her hearts won't let her capitulate on this one fact.

"I'm sorry, Madame." Her whispered words seem to calm the older woman towering above her.

"You will be, child. Three days." She snaps to the guards in the room and strides out. "Perhaps you'll be more pleasant in the future Melody."

River watches her leave with wide eyes and the knowledge that this is one lesson of many that she will just never learn.

x

She hates and loves the suit.

It is a punishment – a self-sustainable prison that operates whether River is conscious or not. She hates being locked up, hates not having her papers and pencils, hates not having the freedom to twirl or jump or dance. All of these things are forbidden.

Which is exactly why she loves them all so much.

But the one thing she does do – can do in the suit that she cannot seem to do out of it is sleep. And with sleep come the dreams.

You are mine and his. And all will be well River.

With the dreams come the voice – the voice that talks softly, gently, jumbles words and can't quite remember everything but shows her image after image after image after image.

Bigger on the inside.

She dreams of spinning dials and dead languages. History she has never learned. A future she has never lived.

Co-ordinates. Triple seven five slash three four nine by ten zero twelve slash acorn. Don't leave the brakes on. Write this down.

She loves that voice. Because it is the first gentle voice she has ever heard-

No, River Song. Fourth. Do you remember? What you are going to be Melody Pond, is very very brave.

-she doesn't remember, but that voice teaches her things she never knew. Re-teaches her things she's learned and reminds her of things she didn't ever know she knew. All in that language that only she and her dreams know.

Red grass and silver rain and not only you and I. There is another. The Doctor. In the TARDIS.

She wakes up – her three days of enforced punishment are over and she wakes up with Kovarian looming over her with a scowl. "Time for your weapons training." She snaps before nodding to the two tall aliens who never speak that stand guard over her. They look at her, and she should be properly frightened, she knows, but instead she thinks that they have kind eyes and she takes their hand as they assist her out of the suit. Everyone else forgets them, but she remembers.

"Next stop everywhere." She whispers the words to herself and feels her skin tingle with a remembered but never experienced hum.

x

She doesn't remember how long she is there, was there, will be there. But she remembers the day they escaped.

Explosions, and rubble raining down on her tiny head as they run. Kovarian is dead. She can't quite remember how that happened but the tall alien in the damp suit had picked her up from the floor where she kneeled by that evil, evil woman, pale and sallow and surrounded by a pool of thick but not thick enough, sticky red blood. It runs so fast out of her. Humans.

He finally speaks, but not with his mouth, and she hears him all the same. 'Forget.' And she does, her tiny arms wrapped tight around his thin shoulders as he and the others run and run and run, alarms blaring and a mechanical voice shouting out warnings. The lights are red and pulsating and she thinks it is funny to see these aliens run, because they usually glide. No one looks and remembers them so why have a need to run?

But they are running from something. A loud shout and a voice and a buzzing sound.

They reach the control room and put her down gently, and then they touch their console and then they are not where they were anymore.

They find her a house. With a room that they tuck her into. 'Sleep River Song.' She falls asleep in a bed for the first time ever, with what should be a terrifying alien face watching her intently.

x

She remembers and forgets at random. Some things – some things she just knows. How to disassemble and clean an alpha mason blaster with her eyes closed. The five most vulnerable spots on a human's body. How to make a kill shot on any other number of species. Judoon. Siltheen. Dalek. Timelord. Silurian. Hand-to-hand combat skills that she wants to forget.

She remembers everything the voice taught her. Languages, names and story after story of a sad, alone man who was just like her. She makes a book and writes those dreams down. She does her level best to forget the tight sneer on the face of a woman who she hated so much that she- she-

She cannot remember that part.

She likes her house. She likes her stars and the pictures on her walls and dresser. She likes the man who sneaks her warm chocolate and reads her stories and helps her make crafts. She likes her aliens who she's started to name even though she cannot tell them apart. She thinks she can. She looks at their eyes.

She is happy. And she forgets. And she remembers. And she dreams.

And then the suit comes back.

x

It is a little like dying she thinks.

But not like dying because she can fix that. She cannot fix this suit that swallows her whole. She screams and screams and that doesn't work. She dreams and dreams, but she cannot hear her special voice, she only dreams of gunmetal grey eye patches, sneers and blood running everywhere.

She wakes up, because she doesn't like those dreams.

She engages the safety, begs the man who answers to save her, but no one ever does.

What you must be Melody Pond is very, very brave.

She is not Melody Pond. She is River Song and she is brave but she is also very clever. The suit wants her to – wants her to go somewhere. She keeps seeing it every time she closes her eyes. A lake. The bluest skies above reflected in the stillness below. She sees it, feels the tug and pull. But she refuses. Instead she calls and asks to be saved from the thing that already has her. But she thinks if it sounds like she is about to be eaten, help will come quicker.

Help finally does come, but it isn't help at all. It is a man and there is shouting, and gunfire. And she remembers a sound, that same buzzing she heard so long ago, and they all run from her aliens, even as she screams at them to wait. To stop. To understand.

She pleads with the tall aliens too, to let her out – just let her out please let her out, but they look at her with sad eyes and tell her she must sleep. So she does.

She dreams of sand she cannot touch, a pool of blood she cannot seem to lift herself from, a flash of green light and always that pull toward the water. She wakes herself up before the suit can get her there. She refuses to go. This is Kovarian's suit, and that means it will only harm.

His hands shake as he tries to pull her out when her aliens are sleeping. "We have to get you out." His voice is soft and he tries and tries. But nothing works. "You have to get out of here Miss River. Leave. Get out. This is not safe, not for a child." She is not a child. But she likes him best of all. He speaks softly and moves slowly and she likes his gentle smile and his bowtie.

Before her aliens drove him a bit mad, he would kneel by her bed and tell her stories about the bayou. Stories about magic and mystery, witchcraft and sorcery. He knew she wouldn't be scared, because what was scarier than her whole life? Some nights he would sneak in bits of tinfoil and string and cardboard, and he helped her painstakingly cut out tiny stars and glue them with foil. "I'll see the stars one day." She whispers it like a secret and he smiles down at her kindly.

"Of that I've no doubt Miss River."

His smile is gone now, and his hands shake and his whole body trembles but his eyes are sharp, sharper than they've been for a while. "Why won't they just leave us alone? I'd take care of you, Miss River, I would. I would take you down south, feed you up proper. We'd be happy there." But he isn't strong enough to open the suit and his eyes meet hers in defeat. "Why must you be in this thing?"

"It wants me to do something. Something terrible." She whispers and he shakes his head, his hand clenching around his bowtie.

"You must not, Miss River. These beings are evil, and you – you are very, very good." He holds her hand, even though she is in the suit.

"How can you tell the difference? What if I'm evil too?" She is so very afraid.

"I know you are good Miss River. You carry a song in your heart and you fight whatever it is they are asking you to do. They should just leave us alone. I wish we were alone."

"Me too."

x

After they take the pretty lady with the red hair, who shot at her, she is left alone with a new understanding. She'd spoken of him. The Doctor. And everything half-remembered came flooding back and she knew – she could get herself out.

So she did.

And she ran, even though she knew that was him. She ran silently down the corridor, hid in rooms as she watched them take one of her aliens. She crept back down the hall and he closed the office door behind her. "You shouldn't be here Miss River." His whole body shakes and he mops his brow even as he is pulling cash out of a drawer and pressing it into her hands. "You must go."

"Can you come with me?"

"I – I – they said it was 1969. But that's – three years and you haven't grown a bit Miss River." He stares down at her keenly and shakes his head. "You're not like me are you?"

She shakes her head, clutching the money in her fist until the paper edges cut into her skin.

"You'll forget. I'm sure once you're away from here, you'll forget me and all of this. All of it. And you'll be better off out there on your own Miss River. I wish I could go with you, but I'll forget too – so much I don't even think I'd be me anymore. Run Miss River. Run as far and as fast as you can, and don't you ever look back. And remember," he kneels before her and hugs her fiercely, his hands patting her hair as he pulls back. "Remember that you chose to fight, and fight that darkness for all you're worth. And you are not alone."

She nods silently but he is wrong, she knows. She is so very very alone.

x

She dies.

First she walks and walks because she knows no other way to get anywhere. She takes care of herself, and when sometimes, insidious men approach her young form, she puts all of her learning to good use.

She doesn't remember where she learned it from, but she knows it none the less. She uses it none the less. She can protect herself, she is stronger than she looks and she is older than she looks and she is never alone. Not really.

Every night that special voice speaks to her again.

Run through the forests River. Run, run, run, run.

She dies and she is born again in a blessing of gold light and she thinks it would be pretty if it didn't feel so much like dying.

She is older this time, taller and better able to get around without notice. She appreciates that. She still dreams of that voice every night, whispering to her in the dark, details and control manuals. Images of planets burning and a war that raged long before she was even born, but is still raging even now because it will always be happening at some point.

Time happens all at once. Right now you are this face but you are still a child somewhere, an infant in someone's arms, a different face, someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's mother. Everywhere, everywhen River Song but know this – all those times, you were mine.

Run.

x

When she sees her properly for the first time, she looks thirty. She is far, far older than that. She has lived lifetimes in the in between.

Nothing about it should draw her attention but she hears a hum in her mind and she slides to a halt outside of a wooden blue box, her head cocked to the side as she stares at it. Police public call Box. She reads the words but knows they are a disguise. She places a palm against the wood there and feels a hum under her hand as the doors swing inward.

She steps inside, even though she knows what to expect. Time and Relative Dimensions in Space.

"Bigger on the inside." She whispers out loud and the ship seems to tighten and relax around her, like some sort of... dimensional hug.

Welcome home, River Song.

She trails up the steps slowly, her hand on the railing and not even paying attention to the doors that snap shut behind her. The console is gorgeous. Everything she has always dreamed of. Everything she has always been taught by this very ship, through their connection.

Back to front. This is where you start.

"And where he ends." She whispers aloud and she finds herself saddened by the thought. She doesn't know the Doctor. Not really, but she does because she's dreamt of his adventures her whole long life. She's run from those who would seek to harm him. She's run and run and run, and finally it has lead her straight to him. "What's worse? Tell him that this is the first or let him think I just disappear." The ship vibrates in amusement and River can hear her laughter in her head. "You think he'll know regardless. Well, no harm in trying then."

She traces the dials and knobs while she waits, naming each one in her mind while the TARDIS shivers under her touch. She recites uses and flight sequences, but it is so surreal to see it all. To feel it all under her fingers. Smooth words etched in glass in an ancient language.

The doors snap open behind her and she turns, leaning casually against the console as he runs through the doors. He waves his hands in the air and starts toward the stairs, hopping up them before stopping suddenly at the sight of her, leaning against the console. His eyes light up and she finds herself smiling back. The TARDIS nudges against her mind and she stands fully.

"Hello sweetie." The words feel strange in her mouth, but familiar at the same time. She remembers saying them even though she hasn't said them at all yet.

"River!" He grins and claps moving toward her and pulling her against him quickly. His fingers tangle in her hair and he presses a kiss against her mouth and she relaxes into his touch. It is new, but so achingly familiar. But seeing it, dreaming it is so different from experiencing it. When he pulls back he presses a soft kiss to the tip of her nose and she smiles up at him.

She loves him.

And she always knew that, always dreamed about it, was told it – whispered in her mind for as long as she can remember and probably as long as she can forget too. But for the first time, here with his hands in her hair and his avid joy spilling forth as he looks down at her, she can feel it swell and stretch, filling every inch of her two hearts. She feels like she belongs finally. Like she is where she was meant to be. "Doctor," she finally responds with the name she knows to use. Even though it is not his name.

He is staring at her and she knows suddenly that the TARDIS was right. She can't fool him. He steps in closer to her, pressing her back into the console, his hands on either side of her face as he stares at her intently. "You're so young." He breathes the words out and she looks up at him in wonder.

"I'm really not." She whispers and he shuts his eyes, pressing his forehead against hers as his fingers tighten on her face.

"Is this – is this the first time for you?" He pulls back, looking at her with such clear pain in his eyes and she shakes her head.

"No. I've known you my whole life." She whispers and he stares down at her, not even noticing that the TARDIS has sent them into flight, her time rotor rising and falling slowly.

"But have you met me?" His gaze is so frank that she bites her lip and feels obligated to give him the truth.

"No." His face seems to crumple at that and he pulls her even closer, if possible.

"But how – you said... I kissed you and you-" He pulls back, looking down at her in wonder. "You said once – a long long time ago, that it wasn't the same for me as it was for you. That I had to fall in love but you loved me from the start."

"I wasn't lying." She says in a low voice. "I know you Doctor; I know stories of you – things that happened and will happen and have yet to happen. All of it. All of time and space. It happens all at once."

"Who..." he begins but the ship hums around them and he sighs in understanding. "Oh Sexy – you-" His hand drops and he flattens a palm against the console. She turns in his arms, her back against his chest and she presses a palm to the surface too and the ship hums in delight. "That means this is the last time." His voice is broken and she turns toward him, running her other hand along his face. "What am I supposed to do, River? I'm not – not ready for this." She brushes his tears away and presses a soft kiss to his cheek.

"We'll run." She answers simply and he smiles brightly down at her.

"You and me." His voice is a whisper and she grins up at him, suddenly eager to go, eager to see the universe. Those stars. Anywhere and everywhere. "Time and space." His fingers tangle in her hair and he presses a kiss to the top of her head.

"Where do you want to start?" She bounces up and down a bit in his arms and he smiles down at her.

"Everywhere."

x

I created you.

For both of us.

x