A/N: I'm baaaaaaack. This is My Flaming of Twila, Da Girl Who Was In Luv W A Vampir. And, dear god, did it hurt me to type that. The title of this was, originally, completely capitalized. Now, for a little history:

This fanfiction was originally written sometime in 2008. It was written by Twila Beautiful Psyco Topaz Cullen (I added spaces, just in case the auto correct assumed it was a URL), and was deleted by our mods here at this lovely site because (and I'm quoting the author here) " DELTED IT BECUZ OF BAD GRAMMOR ND THEY R FUKEIN PREPZ OK." The fanfiction was reposted shortly after she fixed enough grammatical errors to slip by the mods for a short time.

With the Twilight craze sweeping the nation in 2008, following the release of the first movie, fanfiction writers and readers quickly flocked to the Twilight section and read the fanfiction. It was quickly dubbed the My Immortal of the Twilight universe, and was reposted by "fans" after it was deleted a second time.

Some have rumored TBPTC to be Tara Gillespie (the author of My Immortal, for those of you who don't know) in disguise shortly after she discovered Twilight. (For the fans of both Twilight and Harry Potter, dwell on that a second. Scary, isn't it?)

Before we start, I'd like to make it clear that I like Twilight. It's not the best series ever written, but I like it. I don't like Edward, though. I think it's because he just strikes me the wrong way (if that makes any sense). I like all of the other Cullens (yes, even Bella), just not Edward.

I won't bash Edward, because I respect the fact that some of my readers may like him.

The bold text is, quite obviously, not mine.

This is the original Author's note of the first chapter (it was removed when she reposted the story), just to give you a taste of what we're dealing with here.

hay guyz my nami is Twila Beautiful PSyco Topaz Cullem. i go 2 skewl in waschington wif da SEXIIEST VAMPYRE EVER, hiz name iz edward cullen n he iz sooo sexii n hot n gerad way mite play him in da movi TWILITE!1

No! God, no! Robert Pattinson may have not been the best choice for Edward, but Gerard would be TERRIBLE!

omfg i wuld hav an organism

No! You or Tara Gillespie are not allowed to procreate!

lololbut neway dis iz mi stori its called XXX TWILA, THE GURL WHO WAS IN LUV WIF A VAMPIR XXX' ok btw im gothik n so is edword

Dear god, and I thought I couldn't dislike Edward more.

so we wer ment to b ok! so haterz bak off n if u lyk bella den fuk U!

I'm only guessing that was how she spelled "fuck". I got this AN from a blog about bad fanfics (the rest is from a repost by Semiotic), and she censored it with 3 asterisk, so I drew my own conclusion.

ok thanx 2 my editar, Midnite Cullen (dnt get ne ideaz shez not marred 2 ed, she iz maried 2 jasper)

But…Jasper's surname is Hale.

plz plz plz giv me reviews plz i wuld lyk dat,

Oh, we'll give you reviews, all right.

this is da 1st time i eva rote a stori,

Judging by your grammar, it's the first time you've written at all. If you wrote this on notebook paper, I wouldn't doubt that in the top margin is a drawing of a horse with 'I drawed a ponee' next to it.

btw my infleuence is enoby darkness dementia ravn way! i fink she iz da best OK ENJOY GUYZ

If I may quote Bennett the Sage: Our story begins.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W/ A VAMPIRxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CHAPTER 1

Hi my name is Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz

How fitting. A terrible name for a terrible character.

(not cullen yet, bcuz i ddnt meet edward yet)

Way to spoil the whole story.

n i live in waschington wif my sister Midnite. we liv in a dark house that iz far away from every1 els n we r vampires. we feest on blood

"Vampire" kind of implies drinking blood for sustenance.

n no1 else noes dat we are vampirs.

I wish they did, so the Volturi would kill your ass.

not evn are mom wich is y we moved away to b by ourselves.

Because that's so legal without a court approved emancipation.

yes we r LONERS.

i go 2 a hi school n every1 finks dat im really hott,

And it begins. Buckle up, kids. We got 11 more chapters of this.

i hav strait blak hair nd topez eyes n mi sister midnte is da same accept she has magenta eyez.

So, you feed on animals, your sister either feeds on humans or is a newborn vampire and you both live together by yourselves. Yes, that's a perfectly healthy household.

i wear lots of blak makup on mi eyes even tho i hav dark ciircles under my eyes,

You can't have dark circles. Dark circles under the eyes is a form of bruising. Bruising is a result of blood coming to the surface of the skin and causing discoloration. You, as a vampire (who sparkles in this universe), have no blood and, therefore, cannot have dark circles.

(a/n ok if u think thats lame then FUK U, edword has dem too

Only when he needs to feed, so you fail. (I think the reason it does that is because the remaining blood starts to bruise around the eyes.)

and steraphie myers sed hes realli hot ok.)

I don't seem to recall her saying that, ever.

i dnt lyk any1 at mi school, i am a missenthrop (a/n loook it up)

I did.

Misanthrope: noun; a person who dislikes or distrusts human kind

Frankly, I'm shocked that she knows a 3 syllable word as difficult as misanthrope.

that menz i hate other ppl accept midnite.

If you were going to tell us, why tell us to look it up?

one day i met a realli sexi vampore named EDWARd CULLENS

I WANT to BE kewL AnD RANdoMLY cAPATALLize ThinGS ToO!

he haz realli white skin lyk me.

He's a vampire with no blood flow to make the skin pink. Of course he's pale. That's common sen…oh, right.

he is satan's gift to dis planet

Oh, dear. Not another one.

(a/n I DONT BELEVE IN GOD I AM N ATHEIST. i thnk saten created dis universe

Then you are not an atheist. An atheist doesn't believe in any religion.

god bles u satan u r alwayz in mi heart.)

My god. That is so fail, it is win.

so anywey i met him i nda skewl n he was wif some fukking ugli ass bytch named bella swann.

I'm just going out on a limb here and guessing she dislikes Bella.

she waz soo stupid n she kept fallin out of her seat.

Well, she IS clumsy.

edwward lookd at me lyk wtf is dis gurl doing. i smiled at him sexi and aventerous

How do you smile at someone in an adventurous way?

n he new rite away that i wuz a vampir, i culd tell from his eyes wich were da same collor as mine.

Not to far of a reach that it's impossible (or implausible), but far enough of a reach where it's stupid.

"Heyy" he sed walkn away from bella. dere were some gay ass ghetto ppl in his way doin da SOLDA BOY CRANK DANce

I'm not sure if that's terribly racist, considering she said "people" and didn't specify race, or just so idiotic, that I'm shocked that sentence didn't crash Word. I'm going with idiotic.

And the Soulja Boy isn't "gay" or "ghetto". We taught our choir teacher to do it…well, my fellow students did. This white girl can't dance.

n he jus lookd at dem with his dethly eyes n they iran away.

So they didn't threaten to bust a cap in his ass?

i realy hat cliks n gheto ppl fink they r kewl,

Not the people I know. The people I know who can be considered "ghetto" act and dress the way they do because they like the fashion they're following.

i giv dem the middle finger in the halwayz

-.- Still better than "I put my middle finger up at them"

n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL rite

Lolwut?

neway edward n i sat 2getha at da lunch tabel n bella stard at us wif dat poser jakob.

What the…he doesn't even go to the same school! The school he supposedly goes to is 35 minutes and 14.3 miles away from Forks High School (yes, I Googled it).

ed ddnt pay ne atencion to her at all.

Why do I get the feeling that Edward would break her neck if she called him Ed? And, quite frankly, as brainless as this story is, I'm not getting visual images of Robert Pattinson's Edward (let's be honest, does anyone believe she's read the books?) I'm getting a visual image of Ed from Ed, Edd, and Eddy.

he told me al abot how he iz a vampir n his dad carlose

Carlisle's Spanish?

wnated 2 meet me.

He can't read minds that far away.

n his sisters alice, rosmarie,

ROSALIE! Her name is ROSALIE! The people who spell it Rosaline I can understand, because from my understanding, there are versions of the books out there with it spelled that way.

jasper n emet all luved me rite away n his mom esmi wnted 2 meet me 2.

If you're going to write a story, and you're not quite sure how the names are spelled, GOOGLE IT!

so we kut skewl

Because that's always good for the illiterate.

early n went to his realli big house in da woods n jasper is realli big and muscelar

That's Emmett. Jasper is tall and wiry. The one character's name she spells correctly, and she gets his physical description wrong.

so he jst nocked down all da treez in da way.

Because that's extremely subtle.

when we got there carlose came to da door imedately. he gasped in surpise at my beauty

*facedesk* At least Tara waited until chapter 2 or 3 to get to this crap.

"You Must be twila, my u certenly r attraxive"

"You must be Twila, you certainly smell appetizing" would be more in character than this.

he teasd me seductevly.

SO WRONG!

ed, jasp, emet, alison n rosaline all growld at him angrly,

Because nearly attacking a man, who has pretty much been a father to you for 50+ years and taught you how to control your thirst for human blood by channeling it to drink from animals, just for hitting on a girl you just met is respectful.

all sensitive becuz they liked me 2

I think she may be worse than Tara.

besidez it wusnt fare cuz he was alreadi married.

Well, she got one thing right.

"Yea thats me lol"

Does she really say "lawl" after everything?

i told him and bowed (a/n dats wat they do in japanese becuz its polite)

Oh, yes. That's not racially insensitive.

"nice to met you i said.

"So i hear ur a vampir, cum in my house n we can talk about it."

I'd rather you not.

I waz sooo excited n i ran in quikly in every1 followed me, we were alreadi frends.

What the-She's supposed to be a misanthrope! They don't trust people, let alone become friends. I can excuse her trusting/being friends with her sister, but this is nuts! I suppose you can argue that the definition is someone who doesn't trust HUMAN kind and vampires aren't human, but they kind of are. They're just dead, feed on blood, and sparkle in the sun light. Only difference

XXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE 1XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PLZ GUYZ TELL ME IF ITS GUD

It's gud. But it's wasn't good.

So that's Chapter 1. Let me know what you guys think.