A/N: Reupload of my one-shots after watching Special Education. This is basically me trying to make sense of that hot mess. It was initially two separate fics, but I'm combining them both into one story because they're definitely parallel to one another. Angst alert!
Lyrics to Grazed Knees by Snow Patrol, Aftertaste by Ben Lee and Prague by Damien Rice.
"All dames are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their high heels, spit on it, shove it in the oven and cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it was delicious." "
-Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
It's easier to lie, and be safe
Time and time again, I'm half stalled
It seemed like a good idea.
It seemed like a great idea.
An eye for an eye.
All's fair in love and war.
Right?
(Wrong)
xxx
He didn't care. She stood in there choir room like an idiot, waiting for him to say something. Nothing.
xxx
She waited in Miss Pillsbury's room, sat next to him as he asked her why she was so fixated on who it was.
Why?
Why, Finn?
Did it matter why? Did she have to explain herself? Did she have to tell him that Santana Lopez was hot and gorgeous and popular, unlike her, Rachel Berry, star in the making, resident loser? Did she have to spit it out word for word that he left her once, for that girl? He broke her heart once, with that girl?
Did it matter why, Finn?
She waited. She waited for an "I'm sorry", waited for a "please forgive me Rachel, I screwed up"." I love you Rachel, it meant nothing". She waited for something. He didn't say a word. Except that, yeah Santana (more like Satan, if she were less of a lady) was super hot. Yes. She knew that. Santana was super hot. Thank you, Finn. That was just what she needed.
She waited. She was so close to just slapping him in the face, but Miss Pillsbury said no, and it won't help anyway. Not really. Not when all she really wanted was for him to fix this, to take her in his arms and crush her to his chest and say 'I'm sorry". "I love you". "You're super hot Rachel".
But he didn't.
"Maybe you should storm out," Miss Pillsbury told her. She waited for him to say "Don't". One second. Two seconds.
Nothing.
She stood up, waited for him to say "Wait".
Nothing.
She walked out. She waited by the door. Waited for him to come out running, to come to his senses and run after her yelling "I'm sorry!", to try in his simple and inarticulate way to tell her why, to tell her "Don't go. Don't leave me please. I need you."
He didn't.
xxx
She went home and cried. She cried and cried and cried.
He called her ten times.
He stopped calling.
She waited for a text, waited for him to come, sneak into her bedroom with flowers and chocolate. She waited for him to stand outside her window, to break her glass with a pebble.
He didn't.
Did it mean something to him then? Is that why he wasn't beating down her door telling her otherwise? Santana was super hot. Was she more than that? Had he been lying? Is that why he was silent, because it did mean something?
Don't be ridiculous, she told herself. It meant nothing.
But he didn't say it meant nothing. He said he was afraid she'd get angry. Why? Because he lied? Or because it didn't mean nothing to him? Because it was something? Why couldn't he tell her it meant nothing?
Why didn't he?
Xxx
She waited for him to call the next morning.
He didn't.
She arrived at school, hoping to see him at her locker.
He wasn't.
She waited.
He didn't come.
xxx
Mr Schue yelled at her. She waited for him to come to her defence.
He didn't.
He tried to talk to her.
She shrugged him off.
(Wait. Don't go. Fight for me)
He walked away.
She followed him and saw her, saw them, in the hallway. She saw the way she checked him out, saw the way he checked back.
"Did I tell you he bought me dinner after?" Super hot Santana whispered in her ear, her voice taunting, her voice ugly.
She turned back to look at him.
He was gone.
xxx
"Are you okay?" Puck asked. Puck.
Why was he talking to her? What did he want? What else do they want from her? They took her solo, they took her star, they took Finn. What else?
"Why are you talking to me? Are you trying to steal something from me?"
Puck wasn't. He just wanted to see how she was doing. He wanted to help. That was when it came to her. That great (horrible) idea.
Payback right? Payback was fair.
Revenge.
He did it to her, lied to her, and he didn't seem to care at all. She'd make him care. She'd make him feel like she felt. Make him understand what he did. Puck was around. Puck wanted to help.
"Will you drive me home? I came with Finn, but in light of our recent dispute, I hardly think it wise to be in the same vicinity as him."
She lied of course. Her daddy had sent her this morning. But Puck didn't know that. He just shrugged his shoulders. He was being nice to her. She wanted Finn to be nice to her, but he disappeared. At least someone was.
xxx
She kissed him first. Of course she did.
He felt strange.
(Wrong)
She curled her fingers around his bicep and it was different.
(Wrong)
All's fair in love and war.
Right?
(Wrong)
He pulled away and the relief that washed over her was overwhelming.
"I did this to Finn once before, I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I have to go."
He left her bedroom door open.
xxx
Oh God.
What was she thinking?
What was she thinking?
What was she thinking?
xxx
She wasn't.
She wasn't thinking.
She wanted payback.
She wanted revenge.
An eye for an eye.
Right?
(Wrong. So wrong.)
Xxx
She held her face in her hands, the cool curves of his name digging into the skin on her collarbone, burning her.
What had she done?
Xxx
He called her fifteen times.
She never picked up. She couldn't pick up.
Xxx
At eleven p.m., her phone lit up the darkness of her room. He sent her a text.
(I'm sorry. Please talk to me.)
She cried herself to sleep.
Xxx
Sectionals came. She was alone. She was alone because he was alone in the back of the bus, because she wouldn't talk to him. She couldn't face him. He didn't try to approach her.
She wished he did.
Xxx
They were arguing. Everybody knew? Everybody?
How could he do this to her?
How could he lie?
How could he sleep with her? With Santana Lopez?
What about what she did?
(Guilty)
She pushed that thought away. She threw a fit instead.
(Guilty)
Xxx
They win Sectionals. Okay, it was a tie, but they're going to Regionals and this was what she wanted, what they wanted.
She forgot herself, threw her arms around him. He reciprocated automatically, so naturally.
It had been days and she missed him.
She missed him.
Xxx
"Are we part of something special? You and me?" He was smiling at her. She could never resist that smile. They were healing. They were coming back together.
"Yes."
"I love you," he told her. And she knew. She knew it all along. He loves her. What was she so afraid of? He loves her. He loves her. They love each other.
"No more lying," he continued. "Ever."
They love each other, right? She forgave him. He'll forgive her. Right? They'll cancel each other out.
(No they won't)
It's the same thing.
(It's different)
He slept with someone else.
(When they weren't together)
She kissed someone else.
(When they were together)
It's the same thing. He said no more lies. She was going to come clean.
"There's something I have to tell you."
All's fair in love and war.
Right?
(Wrong)
One giant leap of faith, is easy
When everyone you know, is so sure