It's Called the Life Effect
post-S2; Alicia Florrick, Eli Gold, Will Gardner; Alicia/Will, Alicia/Eli
When the phone rings, Will is pushing her jacket over her shoulders.

-o-

And so we disconnect,
the room goes quiet around us.
Nothing left to protect,
the end has finally found us.

-o-

Grace's Christian phase has yet to die its natural death and Alicia drives her to church on Sunday morning.

"I'll be across the road," she says, nodding towards a small cafe.

Grace says nothing as she unbuckles her seatbelt and walks across the road, not sparing her mother a second glance. Alicia falters and her attention is caught by the tall cross on the church's roof. Briefly, she wonders what she'd pray for if she were religious. This thing with Will to get better? To rewind time and hope Peter stays faithful?

She blinks quickly, bring herself back to the present. She's never been one to waste time on hopeless dreams.

I.

Will finds her by the windowsill and hovers behind her, his hand outstretched but not touching. She doesn't show that she knows he's there and he falters, lowers his hand, steps away. She listens to his footsteps fade, ever softer, knows she is pushing him away but unable to stop herself.

"Come on, we're going for a drink," another voice says and Alicia turns, sees Kalinda holding up both her bag and her jacket.

"Kalinda," she dead-pans, "don't tell me you're worried about me?"

"Yes," she responds, and that's that.

-o-

They take Kalinda's SUV to a bar Kalinda knows across town and Alicia doesn't protest when a tequila shot is pushed towards her. She grips the glass so tightly she's surprised it doesn't shatter, tilts her head back, lets the burning alcohol trickle down the back of her throat. Kalinda twists in her stool and gives her a pointed look, eyebrow arched and everything.

"What's going on with you and Will?"

Alicia can think of many things to say that would all be true, like, we're making up for lost time and we're finally having a go at things, but none of them feel like the truth.

"I don't know," she says honestly, waving to the bar-tender to bring them both another drink.

"You're sleeping with him," Kalinda says and Alicia falters, then nods.

"And it's not going like you imagined it would," she continues and Alicia's eyes narrow, not liking the other woman's tone.

"Well, what did you expect?" Kalinda asks scathingly, not at all intimidated, "beds and roses and a happily-ever-after-?..."

Slapping Kalinda is not as satisfying as slapping Peter, but Kalinda lets her. Actually has the audacity to smile when she touches her lip, dabbing away the blood with her fingertips. Alicia doesn't care; all she sees is red.

"You lost any right to make judgements about my life when you fucked my husband," Alicia snarls, sounding feral, the obscenity falling easily from her lips.

"That happened before I even knew you," Kalinda retorts.

"Exactly," Alicia spits back.

-o-

Kalinda drives her back to Lockhart and Gardner, playing with the radio the entire way, and Alicia squeezes her hands in her lap in an effort not to fidget. She parks and Alicia is out of the car before the engine is off, almost running to the elevator. Kalinda lets her and Alicia walks straight to Will's office, closes the door behind her.

He's sitting at his desk and looks up as she draws the curtains.

"Alicia, what-?" he begins, looking confused.

She stalks over and somehow fits herself in between his chair and his desk, her feet either side of him, her fingertips already undoing her blouse. He gets the hint, quickly, and he presses her hard against the polished wood, his breath hot and quick against her skin.

-o-

Afterward, on the way out, she catches a glimpse of Kalinda.

Feels no guilt at the still-obvious cut on her lip.

II.

Grace says, "I liked it better when you didn't work," for the second time and Alicia feels gutted and then angry and then blank in quick succession.

"Why?" Alicia asks after a moment, knowing they had to have this discussion at some point.

"Because you're different," Grace answers immediately, "like, you don't really care about anything except your client and that's … that's wrong, mom."

"Because I'm arguing against your father?" Alicia says and Grace's cheeks flush.

"He's putting bad guys away, you're getting them out," she rebuts petulantly.

Alicia laughs, she can't help it, and wonders how her daughter could still be so naive.

-o-

She studies and practices and becomes a further force in the courtroom. She dresses with more care, heightens her heels, tailors her suits and uses the court as a stage where she is the only protagonist. Will loves it, Diane admires it, Celeste hates it and Kalinda … Kalinda says nothing, instead she simply crosses her legs and watches with knowing eyes.

Later, she walks past Kalinda's office and is surprised to see Eli in there. She hesitates, then listens at the door, peering through the crack.

"Why are you telling me this?" Eli asks, and Kalinda raises a perfectly groomed eyebrow.

"Because someone needs to keep an eye on her," Kalinda responds, "someone who stands the slightest chance at getting through that thick skull of hers."

Eli laughs and eyes Kalinda with amusement.

"I watched her in court today," Eli comments, "she was … excellent."

Kalinda scoffs and looks at Eli with her typical 'you're not worth the air I breathe' expression. "Is everyone blind?" she spits.

Eli rolls his eyes and goes to turn and Kalinda's hand shoots out and grabs his, squeezing so tightly his knuckles turn white.

"Listen to me," she snaps, "I am only going to say this once, so just keep your mouth shut."

He nods, startled, and Kalinda slowly relaxes her hold. Eli extends and flexes his fingers, watching the blood return.

"She's shutting down; it's what she does when she feels boxed in. She'll look fine, work fine, and fool nearly everyone until all of these emotions come back at the most inopportune time. You and I both understand self-destruction, Mr Gold, and Alicia is nearly there. I'm telling you to keep an eye out because I might not be..."

Alicia leaves then, knowing their conversation is nearly over, and goes into her own office, closes the door. She sits down and stares at her desk for a very long time, wondering how – after everything – Kalinda is still able to see straight through her.

III.

She runs. She buys a treadmill and she runs.

Before work, after work, until her body hardens and her clothes hang loose. Part of her hates herself as she pushes and pushes, her legs aching, blood pounding, but the other – more dominant part – knows she would go mad if she didn't have this release.

Zach asks "what are you doing?" and Alicia, starts, hits 'stop' on the treadmill.

"Just..."

She falters as she looks at Zach in the doorway. In the soft light, he looks older than his sixteen years, and it hurts to see his resemblance to Peter.

"You're going to end up hurting yourself," he continues.

"I'm fine," she says, the lie spilling easily from her lips.

(She thinks she's never hated herself more in that moment, such a blatant lie to her child.)

"Whatever," Zach mutters, turning his back on her and slamming the door behind him.

Alone, Alicia puts her headphones back in, and hits the 'go' button, increasing the speed.

-o-

Eli's footsteps are distinctive, quick and light, and remind her of her own against the treadmill. He doesn't break his stride as he enters her office and sits down.

"There's a rumour you're leaving Lockhart and Gardner," he says without preamble.

Alicia leans back in her chair and exhales, her shoulders heavy.

"And where am I allegedly going?" she asks.

"To the State's Attorney's office."

She can't help it, she laughs; then thinks that Peter really could be quite smart at times.

IV.

Suspicion follows her wherever she goes when she walks around Lockhart and Gardner, repercussions of Peter's rumour and she tries not to listen to the other associates as they hover in the tea room, around the water cooler.

Still, she hears some things and learns new descriptions of herself, none of them flattering.

-o-

Diane pulls her into her office and says "we're being audited" with anger and suspicion and hurt? lacing her voice. Alicia sits down at the other woman's behest and folds her hands in her lap, her gaze focused to the left of Diane, at the Chicago skyline.

"Are you feeding information to your husband?" Diane asks and Alicia snorts beneath her breath.

"Ex-husband," she corrects, and to her surprise Diane stomps her foot.

Its childish and looks ridiculous but Alicia bites her tongue, doesn't say a word.

"You're treading a very fine line," Diane warns and Alicia's eyes narrow to a glare.

"Haven't I always?"

V.

Will's hand at her hip, pulling her close, the other tangled in her hair. She lets her head fall back as he presses his lips to her neck, his teeth scraping over her skin. She runs her hand along his jaw, loops an arm around his neck and pulls him close.

"Fuck!"

Her eyes snap open even as she presses her body against him.

When had they become this?

-o-

She wakes to Owen shaking her shoulder and blinks a few times, trying to dispel the early-morning tiredness. Owen goes into her kitchen and moves about, grinding coffee beans and getting milk from the fridge. Alicia hides a yawn behind her hand as she looks over the sofa.

"How did you get in?" she asks.

"You gave me a key," he answers, and she frowns because she's certain that she didn't. Then she remembers that there's a key-cutter on the corner of nearly every block and Owen is … well, Owen.

"What do you want?" she says, choosing to ignore the lie.

He shrugs as he hands her a coffee mug and sits across from her and Alicia waits, knowing he'll speak first.

"Zach called me," he admits eventually, "he's worried."

Alicia curls her legs beneath her and cradles the mug in her hands, looking down at the floor. "About me?"

Owen rolls his eyes. "No, Alicia, he's worried about the colour of the living room walls." He grins a bit when she laughs, a harsh jerk of her shoulders that stops almost as soon as it starts. "Of course, it's about you."

"I'm fine," she says, playing with the edge of the blanket she'd draped across her lap.

"You don't look fine..."

Alicia stops listening as Owen keeps talking and finds herself thinking about the past few months. She'd tried so hard to keep Zach and Grace's lives normal and it seems that she'd failed.

"Why do you do it?" Owen snaps, and Alicia jumps, startled at his tone.

"Do what?"

"Close yourself off," he says after a pause, when he's been glaring at her for a good minute and taken two sips of coffee. "You push everyone away, retreat into your own little world and try and please everyone and guess what, Alicia? It's not possible to please everyone, so stop trying!"

"I do my best-"

"No," Owen interrupts, "you do what you think your best should be."

"I didn't think you dealt in platitudes," she snaps, bristling at his tone.

"I don't," Owen responds, eyes narrowing.

Alicia blinks first and turns her head so she doesn't have to look at him. There's a mark on her neck where Will's teeth had latched and bruises on her arms that she knows she hasn't hid well enough, but Owen has the sense not to comment.

"Are you finished?" she asks, her gaze focused on the wall.

"No, I'm not-"

"Yes, you are."

Her voice leaves no room for argument and she doesn't move, tries not to even breathe until the door has shut behind him.

VI.

Eli doesn't look up as she all-but-skids into his office stuttering apologies. Instead, he calmly finishes the sentence he's writing and turns the piece of paper face-down before gesturing for her to sit.

"I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, Alicia," he begins, "but you're in the public eye now and need to be careful with your … outside activities."

"Pardon?"

Eli looks at the ceiling briefly, as if praying for guidance. "Your relationship with Will Garner," he says in one breath. I don't approve or disapprove but the press will – metaphorically speaking – burn you at the stake if they find out. What's happened before? The notes under the door, etcetera? That will be child's play compared to what they'll throw at you if your relationship becomes public knowledge."

Alicia frowns. "Wouldn't that be good for Peter's campaign?"

Eli sighs as he leans forward and clasps his hands together, resting his forehead against them for a brief moment. "In the short term? Probably."

"Then why pull me in here at all?" she asks. "Wouldn't you prefer that the press run with the story?"

At this, Eli looks momentarily confused. "No," he answers eventually. "It would reflect badly on Lockhart and Gardner, on you and – ultimately – on Peter."

"But you're not denying that it would be useful here and now?" she presses.

"No, I'm not."

-o-

She scours the newspapers for a full fortnight after her conversation with Eli but the only time her name is even mentioned is in an article about a client she's defending. Kalinda raises an eyebrow as she steps into her office and sees Alicia mid-way through the sports section.

"I didn't think you were a baseball fan," she says sarcastically.

Alicia folds the newspaper in half and places it to the side, on top of her other paperwork. "I'm not."

"You prefer swimmers," Kalinda continues knowingly.

"Did you need something?" Alicia snaps, because this is too close, too familiar and Kalinda has hurt her too much to go down this road again.

VII.

Diane organises another function and Alicia does the obligatory meet-and-greets with various clients before heading toward the open bar. The first shot of tequila burns her throat but she reaches immediately for another and downs that too. The bartender grins and pushes another shot towards her and she nods her thanks.

"No problem," he says, still grinning and Alicia's mind starts working enough to realise that he's flirting. She flushes terribly and he laughs, light and care-free.

"I'm off in ten minutes," he says, and the invitation is clear. Come with me, forget whoever-the-hell-it-is you've got at home, live a little.

And it would be so, so easy.

"Alicia."

She starts at the sound of her name and turns around to find Peter.

"You remember Kya Poole," he says, nodding towards the blonde at his side.

"I do," Alicia responds. She runs her eyes up-and-down Peter's date, noting the designer heels and dress and expensive jewellery but feels nothing.

That said, she hasn't felt much of anything for a while now, so its nothing new.

-o-

She returns to the apartment and finds Will in the hallway outside, leaning against the wall. His smile fades when she grabs his arm and pulls him around the corner, out of sight.

"The kids are inside," she whispers. "You can't be here."

Will's eyes narrow as he withdraws a bunch from flowers from behind his back. "I thought maybe I could meet them, you know, properly-"

"No," Alicia interrupts, "they can't know-"

He shakes his head. "Would it really be so horrible if they knew?"

She pauses, closes her eyes. "No, but-"

She can't find an ending to the sentence and it feels as through the answer is floating around somewhere just out of reach.

Will bites, "Sometimes, Alicia, I don't think you care about me anywhere near as much as I care for you."

The flowers fall from his hand and petals scatter everywhere as he storms out before she can snap at him for being selfish or for being right.

VIII.

Grace is missing.

Grace is missing and Alicia has no idea where her daughter could be. Louis Canning stands at her shoulder as she dials Peter and then Eli and then Kalinda. All three drop what they're doing and Alicia lets herself lean against Canning's car to catch her breath, slow down her racing pulse.

"Mrs Florrick?" Canning asks and Alicia's eyes flash open.

"I'm going to walk," she says softly. "There are a few places around here..."

He nods but Alicia has already turned and heads down the street, her eyes scanning the street searching for her daughter's bright, yellow schoolbag. Her phone rings before she's gone three blocks but its Will's personalised ringtone and she ignores it. He's probably going to say that he's heard that Grace is missing and she's not ready to have that conversation. It should surprise her that Kalinda's SUV stops right by her, but it really doesn't. She swings out the driver's seat and is by her side in less than a few seconds.

"Will said he couldn't get a hold of you, he's worried," she says, in that voice. As if she's apologising to Alicia and is angry with her at the same time.

Alicia almost says something stupid and selfish like 'so he should be' but instead she just looks down at Kalinda. She's so small, it's hard to believe she could take on a fully-grown man and win, and says "Did he say anything about Grace?"

Kalinda's infinitesimal shake of the head is what finally brings forth the tears and when they start falling, she can't seem to be able to stop. Kalinda steps forward and Alicia falls into her, clinging to the other woman like a life-ring.

-o-

Kalinda leads Alicia into the car and takes her into Lockhart and Gardner. Alicia rides the elevator alone while Kalinda goes back out in search of Grace and tries to wipe the tell-tale tears in her eyes away. Both Peter and Will intercept her in the corridor and drag her into Will's office. His secretary and Diane are silent, listening, but Peter closes the door behind them. Nobody wants this heard.

"Oh, god, I'm sorry," she whispers, resting her forehead against the nearest thing (which happens to be Peter's shoulder but Will refuses to think that's anything but coincidental.) "I'm so sorry."

Peter holds her close and presses his lips to the top of her head, his jaw tightly clenched.

Forever bonded, Will thinks, and he wonders if he fits into any of this.

-o-

Eventually, Peter takes Alicia back to her apartment and she takes to pacing the kitchen. Her phone sits on the bench, waiting for someone to call but it stays resolutely silent.

"Peter, what if-?" she begins, but he shakes his head sharply, cutting her off.

"It's only been a few hours."

Both turn as they hear the door open and Alicia rushes into the hallway as Grace enters, looking sullen, followed closely by Eli. Alicia has her arms around her daughter almost immediately, holding her close as silent tears of relief run down her cheeks. Too soon, Grace pulls away and walks past Alicia into the kitchen. She wipes the tears away with the back of her hand and attempts a smile.

"Where was she?" she asks, choking mid-sentence.

"At a church in Southside."

Alicia frowns. "How did you know-?"

"My daughter, when she was angry with me, decided to go to a synagogue in an area she knew I would … disapprove about. And contrary to their beliefs, adolescent girls often think alike," Eli says, answering her unfinished question.

She laughs but it comes out more like a hysterical hiccup. "Thank you."

Eli gives a half-smile as he reaches out and cups her cheek, wiping a stray tear away with his thumb.

"You're welcome."

XI.

Oddly enough, its Grace's brief disappearance that forces Alicia and Kalinda to truly acknowledge each other again. They sit at another bar Kalinda knows and the barman brings them their drinks without asking. They've barely been seated a few minutes when Kalinda's phone rings and both look at the flashing screen.

Will.

Kalinda answers and Alicia listens to one-side of the conversation. But it's enough. A client has been found in the same room as a dead girl and been charged with first-degree murder.

"It never seems to end, does it?" Kalinda asks as she hits disconnect.

"No," Alicia agrees.

-o-

Harlan Marx - their latest client - is as guilty as sin, Alicia thinks. Maybe that's why she doesn't blame the girl's father when he unloads a bullet into Marx's brain. Alicia doesn't scream as she watches Marx fall to the ground with half his skill blown away, or when she drops to her knees to try and do something. Blood soaks into her skirt, spills over her hands and she thinks she's never seen anything as red.

Soon enough, she's pulled away from Marx by the police and taken to the hospital to be treated for shock.

'I'm fine,' she protests, but the doctors and the detectives don't listen and tread around her as if walking on eggshells.

-o-

That night, when she wakes up screaming, the sheets soaked with sweat, Will places a careful hand on her shoulder and she throws it away and skirts to other side of the bed, knees drawn to her chest.

"Leave me alone," someone whispers. It takes her a moment to realise it's her voice, her words, her request.

"Alicia," Will says softly, "don't-"

"Now," she interrupts, and there's an edge to her voice.

His eyes narrow and he doesn't speak as he gets dressed and leaves her bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Now alone, Alicia leans her head forward to rest against her knees, and exhales a shaky breath.

X.

Eli sits with her a week later. Rain buffets against the windows, making the glass shake in its panes and she watches as an inside-out umbrella as it bounces against the pavement, only to be run over by a bus.

"Alicia?" he says softly, as if not to startle her, and she looks at him, her eyes painfully sad.

"Do you ever feel like you have no idea what you're doing?" she asks.

He nods. "All the time."

She laughs. "David Lee said I liked lists..."

Eli, unsure where she is heading, waits for her to continue.

"...I wouldn't know where to start with this one."

He sighs, and reaches out, his hand on her shoulder. She blinks, but doesn't draw away. Eventually, she reaches up and threads her fingers through his, grateful for a physical anchor. She closes her eyes as he squeezes, just for a moment. It frightens her, sometimes, that he can read her so easily. She's all-but given Will a manual and he still can't figure out that she doesn't feel secure or attractive or smart so he should probably tell her that she is.

Eli just acts like it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

-o-

Disclaimer: I do not own 'The Good Wife.' It is the property of CBS. A quick admission, I haven't kept up-to-date with the third series so I've probably missed quite a few plot-lines from the show. That said, I've also taken a few from the few episodes I have seen so I guess we could call it even. Just consider everything to be AU. I thought this would be a two-part story but it looks like they'll be at least one more chapter.