A/N: So it turns out that writing Radiant Dawn to Bohemian Rhapsody is nearly impossible, so, I am quitting while behind!

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Epilogue: Ashnard versus the World

Ashnard was bored.

The whole point of all this was to release the dark god of the medallion and wipe out the weaklings from the world, but sadly it wasn't happening just yet. Sure, he'd conquered the neighboring country and begun a world war, but the stupid medallion was just glowing at him instead of doing anything useful.

"The only instructions are wide-scale war," Ashnard said as he held the wrapped hunk of metal in his hand. "We have that. A coalition of people is marching on us right now. So why is it just… glowing?"

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?" asked his bodyguard Bryce.

"Have you tried not being a little bitch, Bryce?"

"Never, sire. Perhaps you could sing. The herons seemed to believe that was the key."

He fixed the older man with a glare because he knew that was just crap, but, he was willing to try almost anything. Uncomfortable, he more growled than sang, "Yoooou are the oooocean's gray waaaaves…" Nothing happened, so he tried the other song he knew, "Giiiibberish giiiibberish blah-blah-blah-blah, iiif you don't wake up I'll cut you with a saw…"

"Noble efforts, sire," said Bryce at the resulting lack-of-evil-goddess.

Ashnard sighed and looked it over again. "So obviously Daein and Crimea are in the war, as are Begnion, and Gallia. Aren't Tibarn and Naesala doing things too? So that just means Goldoa, and I would like to point out, DARK GOD, THAT I HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD GOLDOAN RIGHT HERE FIGHTING FOR ME. PLUS THOSE DRAGONS I TURNED FERAL. SO THAT'S EVERYONE, DARK GOD. THAT'S EVERYONE AND YOU SHOULD COME OUT." When nothing happened, he started hitting it. "Work!"

There was a flash of blinding light followed by a short windstorm, accentuated by blue fire. Ashnard felt giddy as he awaited the dark god, preparing to be awed and inspired -

"Ten thousand yeeeeeears! Can give you such a crick in the neck!"

The flames coalesced into the form of… a little girl.

"Hello meatlings!" she said cheerfully, "I'm Yune! In my game it's said 'Yu-nay,' and I like that more than 'Yoon.' I'm the Goddess of Chaos! It's nice to meet you!"

Ashnard and his honor guard just stared at her.

"No," said Ashnard.

"Yu-NAY. Although I like that. Yu-no. I like that a lot. But I can tell by all the confused expressions that you never finished Radiant Dawn." She made a sympathetic face. "You and most people."

Most of the guards looked ashamed. Ashnard grumbled, "It was that fucking prison stage! Kurth was an excellent meat shield – following in the family tradition!"

"Not cool," said the dragon behind him.

"But the rest of the Dawn Brigade sucks. The tenth time Leonardo missed a shot, I broke my disc and couldn't afford a new one on Amazon without selling a kidney."

Yune nodded her understanding. "Been there, done that. As you can probably guess, I love the black market. Sooooo… thanks for freeing me, but… what do you wanna doooo…?"

"Aren't you supposed to kill everyone?" Bryce asked, dubious.

"And start with Bryce when you do it," Ashnard added.

"I sure hope so, sire."

Yune beamed at them. "Nope, that's Ashera. She'll get around to it in like, five minutes, after Lehran finishes a Starbucks run. All the weak will be turned to stone."

"Impressive, but I was hoping for something grander. Oh well. Hmm… Perhaps you can give me ultimate power?"

Yune flinched. "I'd rather not… I mean no offense, but you're kind of mean. I like chaos, but you definitely give off 'chaotic evil' vibes. I don't know how I feel about giving you a promotion."

Ashnard considered that. "Really more 'neutral good…' You know, wiping out the weaklings, ushering in a new era. Depends on your point of view, but 'chaotic evil' is a stretch."

Bryce just made a long, drawn-out noise of pain like a balloon being deflated. Rajaion held up the middle claws on both his massive talons of death.

"Wow," said Yune. "Anyway. Uh. Yeah anyway, maybe I could… hmm… I could show you the world? That might be fine. A road trip! We can be buddies, meet interesting people, develop our own catch-phrases…"

There was an explosion with a mushroom cloud in the distance. Bright energy flowed past, turning almost everyone to stone.

"Or that could happen," said Yune sadly. "Now the food won't be as good."

"Damn it," said Bryce when he opened his eyes.

"Don't be sad," Yune comforted him, "In a few weeks, she'll kill the rest of you."

Ashnard looked affronted. "That's not part of the plan. I need to be one of the survivors, which means there needs to be survivors. How do we kill her?"

"… Okay Mr. 'Neutral Good,' I was going to suggest talking to her, but sure, we can kill her, geez…"

"So give me my promotion!"

"No!"

Ashnard scoffed in frustration. "Then fine, I want to be in Fire Emblem Heroes. I want to be a Legendary Hero. No – what are those fancy new ones called? The gods and all that? Mythic Hero! Make me a Mythic Hero! Give me my own Tempest Trials!"

Yune winced. "Yeesh, you're brutal! I had to sell my other kidney to get in the game myself, and they made me sound like an old lady! I can give you another Camilla… (Granted they just give those away…) How about one with conveniently-placed pasties and nothing else?"

Ashnard leaned forward, sneering. "Fully clothed."

"Would you like your promotion to use axes or lances?"

He smiled. It was not comforting. "Both. And I want my special skill to be Eclipse."

Since that was still easier than a fully-clothed Camilla, Yune waved her hand and Ashnard was enveloped in bright beautiful light as the background music grew in cheer and tempo. "Dah dah dah dah daaah! Dah dah, dah dah dah dah daaaaah, daaah dah dah daaah, dah dah daaah, dah dah daaah…"

Ashnard gained +5 to all his stats, and access to spears and axes. He also got a cool new class, promoting from King Daein to Worldslayer. ("I was going to go with Mad King, but I didn't want George R. R. Martin to sue me," Yune admitted.) He was pretty stoked.

"Aaaaand next!" Yuna waved her hands around and the music began again. Rajaion also gained stats and his class changed from Glorified Wyvern, to Giant Death Dragon. It wasn't as good as, say, restoring his sanity and family, but, hey.

Yune beamed with joy. "I do good work! Okay, now it's your turn!" She looked to Bryce.

"No, we don't do nice things for Bryce," Ashnard interrupted sternly.

If anything, this made Yune grin bigger. "You say Yu-no, but I say Yu-yes!"

The intrepid quartet left Crimea and began the trek to Begnion.

Despite the promotion, Ashnard was miffed at the journey for a couple of reasons. First, it turned out there were a lot of weaklings because they encountered no resistance. Second, Bryce. Third and most importantly, Yune.

He only made the mistake once.

"Best Friend Aaaashnaaaard," she sang, "I gave your draaaagon a lei! Look at him! He's so tropical!"

"Why would you do that?" Ashnard asked. It did make the feral beast smell nicer, but did absolutely nothing else.

"Because I'm a goddess of" and here she made spirit fingers "CHAOS!"

"Ugh."

She pouted. "You're supposed to say 'no.'"

"No," he said, referring to his saying no. This backfired quickly.

"You say Yu-no, but I say Yu-yes!"

They stared at each other. "That's going to be your catch phrase?"

"Yuuuuu-yes!"

"That's stupid and you should feel stupid. If you had a corporeal form I would stab you."

She pointed at him with finger guns. "But I don't, so you can't! Chaos! That's just what you get for being a meat creature."

"Yum," said the dragon, nomming on the flowers.

The Tower of Guidance was glowing malevolently, which made Ashnard perk up. "Finally, a true battle awaits! Surely the Goddess has a host of powerful champ… ions… Why is this tower empty?!"

Indeed, the first floor of the tower was, in fact, empty. Bryce and Rajaion shared a fist bump.

"We are really ahead of schedule," Yune admitted. "Everyone except for Dheginsea is still working on their hair, and his motto is 'Goldoa shall not move' for a reason – the man can sleep through anything. So that means we just get to walk up a flight of stairs! Well, you get to walk. I float. And while I float, I can tell you the story of how we got here!"

"I don't ca-"

The world went wiggly.

"So once upon a time, I decided to murder everyone in a giant flood. For some reason this was all my fault, so Ashera tried to murder me. Rude! She stuck me in a medallion, and said that if I ever woke up, she would murder everyone instead, which completely undermines her argument that I am some horrible evil creature. But anyway I've had friends over the years, just in decreasing hair length and singing capabilities. Which is disappointing, I want to point out."

"Uggghhhh." Ashnard tried to stab her, but it failed.

That actually made her excited. "Oh, right! I need to bless your weapons! Goddess of Chaos Powers Activate!"

Gurgurant turned into a cup of milk. Wishblade turned into a packet of cocoa. Yune burst into hysterical laughter, stammering out, "Chaaaaooooos!"

For the first time, Ashnard and Bryce exchanged a look of commiseration and mutual disdain.

Still giggling, she waved her hands again and the weapons returned to normal, albeit glowy. "The looks on your faces were hilarious! But anyway, here you are. Blessed weapons, for my Best Friend Ashnard and that guy who follows him around. Now let's go smite a bitch." She opened the door to the top of the tower and floated in peacefully.

"Yune, what are you doing here?" demanded a very bored looking Goddess Ashera.

"We're here to save everyone and stop you!" said Yune.

"We're actually here to kill you and then everyone else," Ashnard clarified.

"I'm here to watch Ashnard suffer," Bryce admitted.

"Roar," said Rajaion in agreement.

"Lehran still isn't back with my pumpkin spice latte," Ashera hissed. "My mercy is nonexistent. Prepare to die."

In the end, Ashera's caffeine-addicted fury was no match for Ashnard's game-breaking power. This resulted in Yune preparing to vanish into the ether. "I'll miss you, Best Friend Ashnard," she wibbled. "We had a lot of fun. Remember that time you said no and I said Yu-yes, or when I turned your weapons into cocoa? That was great, wasn't it?"

"Just die already!"

She squinted really hard, focusing. Then she beamed. "Wow! You say Yu-yes, but I say Yu-NO, because I just used the power of love to keep myself around just to hang out with you!"

Ashnard screamed in horror and rage. "I should have died in Crimea! That would have been better than this!"

Yune squealed in joy. "There's a whole world for us to explore! Say, have you ever been the Video Game Japan? You'd look awesome in a kimono! Let's go, Bestie!"

And they lived chaotically ever after.

And Ashnard never got to finish Radiant Dawn.