Crack, written in a sugar high. M-rated for future yaoi loving and shit. Read and be good :

Mulan: Bleach version

The moon was full, its pale light made it able to see far even though it was after midnight. Shuuhei Hisagi warmed his hand with his breath. He wished that he could be home in his bed with his darling sub but he had to do his duty for his country. Though he thought it was a total bogus job, guarding the great wall of Seretei. But, hey! Rather a boring post that actually having to risk his life, right? Out of the blue he hears a screeching sound. Blue fills his vision and his helmet falls to the ground with a clatter. Shocked he turns and sees a cat, blue and very angry, beside his helmet that spit and hissed at him. It lets out a high pitched yowl that sent a cold shiver through the confused guard. Hearing a swishing sound from the side of the wall he turned to see a grappling hook fly over and connect. Hisagi ran over, looking over the side. An impossibly large amount of grappling hooks came changing towards him through the night.

"We're under attack! Light the signal", he screamed, running towards the guardhouse.

Before he reaches it the door slams open reveling two heavily armed men dressed in white. Hisagi threw himself at the ladder besides the door. The darker one of the men in white drew his sword smashing the ladder with a smooth move. Before Hisagi could fall to his doom he managed to grip the top of the roof. He heaved himself up grabbing the lit torch, he landed on his feet. Just as he raised the torch to light the oil filled caldron he spotted two hands on the edge of the tower. A brown-haired man jumped over the frame with ease. He's dressed in white, same style as the intruders the level below. Hisagi raised the torch once again meaning to throw it into the oil.

"Wait!" The other man commanded, his voice smooth and powerful. He reached into one of his pockets pulling out a circled shaped disk attached to a string.

"Em…?" Hisagi eyed, baffled, the strange man, he doesn't look that menacing, not with those square glasses anyway, wondering what he was up to.

"Now, look carefully at the disk", said the other man, his voice sleepy and the disk started to sway back and forth in his hand. "You'll now start to feel sleepy…" The man looked expectantly at Hisagi.

"Well… Not really" Hisagi laughs a little embarrassed; his free hand scratched the back of his head.

"Really? You feel nothing?"

Hisagi shakes his head. The man looked devastated, staring at the disk like it was its fault. Hisagi started to feel a little bad for the poor guy.

"Hey, listen", he said. "Maybe you should try again."

"You think so?" Brown eyes lit up with renewed hope. "Okay, now, look straight at the disk, try not to look way."

"Okay, I'm looking right at it" said Hisagi smiling a little. Suddenly he felt a pain on the back of his head and the world went dark.

As the guard fell to the ground, the torch rolled on the ground towards Aizen. He looked past the guard to the white-haired man perched on the wall, sword lifted.

"Captain, I don't think you're made to hypnotize people", Gin said sheathing his sword. "You should keep to what you know; killing, pillaging and the like."

"Really? But I have practiced; I really thought it would work this time."

"Maybe in your next life" Gin said.

"Yeah, you're probably right. But what if that guard just was really mentally strong?"

"For the love of justice!" Exclaimed the dark-skinned man that had just climbed the tower joining the other men. "Did you try to hypnotize another one?"

"Fine! I'll stop." Aizen proclaimed a little hurt pulling his glasses off. "Let's just get the show on the road".

Gin picked up the dropped torch and threw it in the cauldron. Flames burst up basking the tower with light. Further down the wall the men could see fires were being lit on top of the rest of the towers.

"Now all of Seretei knows we're here", Tosen said.

"Perfect", said Aizen as he warmed his hands by the fire. It -was- cold out after all.

A man wearing full armor with a red cape flowing behind him burst through the door of the central camber, flanked by two soldiers. He approached the Emperor's throne, bowed down as he reached it, black hair fell into his face. The soldiers bowed deeply, heads pressed on the red carpet. He then looked straight at the Emperor.

"Your Majesty, the Espadas have crossed our Nothern border", General Kuchiki said.

"Impossible! Traitors! No one can get through The Great Wall", Suì-Feng cried out with a loud voice.

"What? Traitors? What is she babbling about?" Soujun Kuchiki thought but out loud he said:

"Aizen is leading them. We'll set up defenses around your palace immediately."

"No!" Emperor Yamamoto exclaimed forcefully. "Send your troops to protect my people. Suì-Feng."

"Yes, your highness."

"Deliver conscription notices throughout all the provinces. Call up all reserves and as many new recruits as possible."

"Forgive me your Majesty, but I believe my troops can stop him", said Soujun Kuchiki.

"I will not take any chances, General. A single slice of pizza can tip the scale. One dominant be the difference between victory and defeat."

Ichigo stuffed a pizza slice in his mouth.

"Quiet and demure… Graceful… Polite", he muttered as he chewed. "Delicate… Refined… Poised…" He swallowed, picked up a brush, dipped in ink and wrote the final word on his arm. "Punctual". He smiled obviously pleased with himself.

A crow crowed, choked, then crowed again.

"Aiya!" Ichigo jumped up from the bed. "Komamura! Komamura! You flee bitten little mutt! Where are you?"

A huge brown fox-looking dog crawled out from under the bed. How he fit under the thing will be one of life mysteries never to be answered.

"There you are" Said the strawberry-blond boy with a sigh. "Come on, you got work to do".

He grabbed a sack of grain and tied it around Komamuras waist. He then tied a stick on the dog's collar so it hanged in front of Komamuras face. On the other end he tied a Kaname doll on a string which the dog could not reach. Ichigo proceeded by opening the door and Komamura raced out spreading grain all over the yard. He passed the chickens and Zangetsu, the family horse. The horse snorted but the dog ignored him totally focused on the doll. He ran into the garden.

Ichigos father, Isshin, was kneeling in the small temple filled with the gravestones of the Kurosaki family's ancestors.

"Honorable ancestors, please help Ichigo impress the matchmaker today", he prayed out loud.

Komamura ran into the temple, rounded Isshin and was out again leaving only grain in his track. That track was soon filled with fat white chickens, cackling happily while they ate.

"Please, PLEASE, help him", he said desperate.

Ichigo ascended that stairs towards the temple carried with him a tray with a teapot and a cup. When he spotted Komamura sitting on his hind legs trying to reach the doll and the boy took pity on the dog. He helped Komamura reach the doll which he gladly took into his mouth and started to chew off its head.

"IIIICHIIIIGOOOOOOOO! My darling little sub! What are you still doing here?" Isshin cried out as he launched himself on the boy.

Ichigo snarled at his father, lifted one leg and planted a dainty foot right in his father's face.

"Goatface!" Ichigo yelled. "I almost dropped the fucking teapot!"

"OH! You look so beautiful today, just like your mother! Come and hug your old man"

He made another attempt to embrace his child. Ichigo quickly moved out of the way though the maneuver made the teacup fall off the tray and break into small pieces.

"Goatface!"

"I have a spare"

Isshin pulled a cup from the back of his shirt. Ichigo just growled and poured the tea.

"Remember what the doctor said, two cups of tea in the morning and three at night"

His father suddenly turned serious looking down on his son who was glancing up at him with a cute glare in his big honey brown eyes.

"Ichigo, you should already be in town. We're counting on you to up-"

"- Uphold the family honor. Don't worry father. I won't let mother down."

He pulled a little on his sleeve to cover the writing on his arm.

"Wish me luck!" He said before he turned and hurried down the stairs.

"Hurry!" His eyes followed his son as he exited the garden. "I'm going to… Pray some more", he said to himself.

Masaki prided herself with being a calm and poised woman but as she waited for her son she could not help to be worried. She was standing in front of the large bathhouse in the middle of town. The street was busy, filled with carts and horses that pulled up dust making it hard to see far. A black-haired woman with a braid that hanged in front of her poked out of the bath house.

"Masaki Kurosaki, is your son here yet?" she called out. "The matchmaker is not a patient man".

She went into the building again. Masaki was almost on the verge of pulling out her auburn hair.

"Of all days to be late", she said to herself. "I should have prayed to the ancestors for luck"

"How lucky can they be, they're dead," said a voice behind her. A blond man in a white-green striped hat grinned back at her. "Besides, I've got all the luck we'll need".

He pulled up a small wooden cage with a purple cricket inside.

"This is the chance to prove yourself", said Kisuke, he covered his eyes and stepped into the busy street.

"Grandpa NO!" screamed Masaki as she tried to grab the deranged man.

Riders pulled in the horses' rains trying to avoid the lunatic, the man barley escaped being trampled to death, carts crashed into each other making the insides fly over the street. Kisuke managed to cross the street and uncovered his eyes.

"Yep, this cricket's a lucky one!" he called out to his daughter-in-law. The cricket had fainted.

"Hah", Masaki only sighed in relief.

Then she saw a familiar sight through the dust. Her pretty son rode Zangetsu easily through the big collision, jumping over a cart, his long strawberry blond hair fluttered in the wind, small pieces of hay caught in of it. He gracefully jumped off and smiled big at his mother.

"I'm here!"

Masaki gave her son a stern look.

"What? But Mama I had to -"

"None of your excuses", she said as she grabbed hold of Ichigo's arm. "Now let's get you cleaned up".

They walked into the bath house and were met by the madams Unohana and Rangiku, the owners. The voluptuous blonde glided up to Ichigo. She looked him over.

"This is what you give me to work with?" She asked Masaki as she lifted his hay-filled hair. "Well, honey, I've seen worse."

She continued by almost tearing the poor boys clothes off and pushed him into the bath. Ichigo resurfaced, his body shaking.

"It's freezing", he burred.

"It would have been warm if you were here on time" replied Masaki.

She grabbed a sponge and started to clean one of his arms.

"Ichigo, what is this?"

Masaki had noticed his cheat notes. He quickly drew back his arm and gave her the puppy eyes.

"Ahh, notes, in case I forget something?"

"Here, hold this", said Kisuke, as he handed the cricket to Masaki. "We'll need more luck than I thought".

Ichigo glares at him as the blonde passes by. After he had been thoroughly cleaned and worsened his hydrophobia he was thrown into a long pale green undershirt that covered him to his knees. Rangiku led him to a different room where Unohana already sat waiting patiently. She rose as she saw the others enter and took Ichigo's hand with a kind smile.

"Wait and see dear child", reassured Unohana. "When we're through, Doms will gladly go to war for you."

Ichigo returned a nervous smile and sat down where Unohana had shown him. The two madams grabbed one part of his hair each and started to comb it. The hair was pulled into a complicated bun on the back of the boy's head. The women exchanged proud glances over his head and grabbed his upper arms, pulling him into a standing pose.

"Now, dressing-time", chirped Rangiku happily and pushed Ichigo towards the door.

They made quick progress, first a white under dress with a high collar, then a dark green wraparound robe. A large ocean blue obi that covered his chest and hips was held up by a pale blue belt that both madams pulled hard. It made his waist more pronounced.

"Must it really be this tight?" asked Ichigo with a frown.

He pulled slightly on the belt. Rangiku slapped his hand away.

"Of course, doms want subs with good taste", She said. "And after all, a waist is a horrible thing to waste."

Masaki and Ichigo left the bath house and entered a large courtyard where they saw other subs being prepared.

"Ichigo" Masaki glanced at her son who looked rather disheartened. "We all must serve the Emperor, our protector. Doms bear arms and we subs bear children."

"I know mother", said Ichigo softly. "I will not fail you."

"Don't worry, you'll bring honor to us all"

Masaki kissed her son on his temple and they continued up the stairs to the Orihime's Make-up and Cooking. A young sub popped up in front of them. She long red hair pulled back from her face by two small flower-shaped pins.

Are you here for lunch? She asked with big hopeful eyes that just begged them to say yes.

"No dear", Masaki said sweetly. "Not today, we're here to see Lisa"

Orihime smiled sadly but led them to the salon. When he was seated Lisa started to place powder on Ichigo's face. She carefully shaped his eyes with eye liner and lips with pink balm.

"There, all done", said Yuki.

She held up a mirror so he could see his reflection. He looked like a porcelain doll and with as much personality as one. Snorting he pulled down a single, short bang so it hung in front of his face, now more pleased.

"You look great, sweetheart", said Masaki proudly and put a flower comb in his hair.

"Not yet!" Kisuke exclaimed as he hurried in, throwing a black cat at Orihime. "A badge for protection".

He placed a skull-badge under Ichigo's obi. He then ties a jade necklace around the boy's neck.

"Beads of jade for beauty, you must proudly show it"

Kisuke raised his grandsons chin high with his hand.

"Now add a cricket just for luck", he continued placing the cage under the back of Ichigo's obi. "And even you can't blow it". He smacked the boy's tush.

"Perverted Hat n' clogs", muttered Ichigo.

He leaved the store and hurried to where the other subs had gathered outside the matchmaker's house. He and the rest crouched down under their parasols as they waited for the matchmaker.

The matchmaker slammed the double doors open with a bang. He stood proudly and gazed out on the subs. He had a black bob and was dressed in black with a strange orange turtle neck that would have made the Lonely Island proud. Pink feathers wavered as he glances at his check board.

"Hrm, Kurosaki Ichigo" he said with a frown.

"Here!"

Ichigo popped up, hand raised.

"Speaking without permission, how unbeautiful".

"Oops"

"Who spit in his sakecup?" Kisuke muttered to Masaki.

Hastily Ichigo walked into the Matchmaker's building and the matchmaker followed behind slamming the doors shut. Yumichika appraised the small red-blonde boy in front of him.

"Hmm… too skinny" said Yumichika jotting it down on his board.

Suddenly Ichigo noticed the cricked trying to escape. He struggled to catch it as Yumichika continued.

"Hmph, not good for bearing doms."

He turned around quickly and Ichigo threw the bug in his mouth to hinder its detection.

"Recite the final admonition"

Ichigo nodded and pulled out his fan hiding his mouth. He spit out the bug on the floor.

"Well, keeping me waiting is unpretty"

"Fulfill your duties calmly and re… f-"

He took a fast peek on the smeared writing on his arm.

"—spectfullt. Reflect before you snack" staggered he looked back at his arm. "Act! This will give you honor and glory."

Relieved he fanned himself. Not impressed the matchmaker snatched the fan and looked on both sides not finding anything. Ichigo sent him a big smile as he looked up. He grabbed the boy's arm pulling him to the low table in the middle of the room. Black in smeared on his hand from the notes.

"Hmm, now, pour the tea" Yumichika said as the pushed a teapot towards Ichigo. "To please your future in-laws you must demonstrate a sense of beauty…"

He smears ink around his mouth so it looked like a beard. Ichigo could only stare but then he noticed he was pouring tea on the table. Quickly he poured into the cup instead.

"… and grace. You must also be poised", the matchmaker continued.

Ichigo noticed that the darn bug was using the tea cup as a bath as Yumichika took it.

"Um, pardon me" Ichigo timidly said.

"And silent!"

He sniffed the tea and sighed. Ichigo, not wanting the man to drink the bug reached for the cup.

"Could I just take that back… one moment?"

He grabbed it but Yumichika refused to let it go. As they struggled the cup tipped, poured it's contain all over the man's turtleneck and somehow the insect managed to crawl into his clothes.

"Why you clumsy-"

The matchmaker suddenly felt the bug in his clothes. He started to jump around like in carameldansen.

"Wooo, wooo, woooooooo!"

Yumichika knocked over his pot of burning coal and managed to catch his hair on fire. Ichigo tried to help, he really did. He grabbed his fan and briskly fanned the charred area on the matchmaker's hair. But that caused it to flame up.

"AAARGH!" screamed Yumichika in panic.

Outside the anxious crowd could hear the shouts and screams inside.

"I think it's going well, don't you" Kisuke said to Masaki.

She gave him a doubting glance. A loud bang is heard and then the matchmaker runs out of the house.

"Put it out!" he screamed. "Put it out. Put it out! Put it OUT!"

Ichigo ran out, teapot in hand and threw the tea in Yumichika'a face. He managed to put out the fire but now the matchmaker had a burnt afro instead of a well combed bob. Ichigo gave him the pot, bowed and covered his face as he walked briskly toward Masaki and Kisuke.

"You are a disgrace!" yells Yumichika throwing the teaput on the ground. "You may look like a bride, but you will never bring your family honor!"

The townsfolk that had gathered to watch started to whisper then turned and walked away.