Disclaimer:

This is a random crackish parody I wrote after reading Romeo and Juliet for school. It is written in screenplay format, stage directions are in italics. This is slash, Romeo/Mercutio so if you don't like that, don't read this! Juliet is not even really a character in this. Also, I know I used Elizabethan English weird/wrong, this is a parody.

We all know the tale of Juliet and her Romeo, but the tale even more woe is that of Romeo and his Mercutio.

Scene One
Enter Romeo and Benvolio.

ROMEO
Alas… it is a sad day. I am very sad… I sigh a great sigh of sadness and pity upon myself… I'm sad, Benvolio.

BENVOLIO
Why art thou so saddened?

ROMEO
I don't want to talk about it. I'm thinking of going to yonder "Hot Topic" and becoming an emo kid. They understand the depths of my pain.

BENVOLIO
Art thou in love, Romeo?

ROMEO
Aye. Er no…

BENVOLIO
Canst thou be more specific?

ROMEO
I love a… woman…

BENVOLIO
I guessed as much.

ROMEO
Her name is… Rosaline. She's pretty but she doesn't want me. Thus that is the reason for my emo-ness, not some other darker reason I am keeping a secret. This is not a mere ploy to distract you from what's really going on with me. And Rosaline isn't made up to distract you from where my affections truly lie!

BENVOLIO
I never suspected such…

ROMEO
Oh, good then. We needn't talk of this anymore.

BENVOLIO
No. Hey, I heard old man Capulet is throwing a sweet party tonight. You wanna crash it?

ROMEO
Sounds like a jolly good time!

BENVOLIO
And perhaps you'll forget about Rosaline.

ROMEO
Rosanne.

BENVOLIO
No I'm quite sure it was Rosaline.

ROMEO
Oh, yes, but of course. Rosaline. My female love. For I am a male.

BENVOLIO
I never doubted it… Shall we invite Mercutio to the party?

ROMEO
Ah, brave Mercutio, yes, do invite him. T'would not be a party without him!

Scene Two
Enter Romeo, Benvolio, and Mercutio. They walk up to the street of the Capulet house where loud hip hop/ dance music can be heard from outside as well as people laughing and talking. Party lights are flashing.

BENVOLIO
Now remember, when we get to the door just say "We're on the list" and when he goes to look, point in the sky and shout "look! A Montague!" Then run inside.

ROMEO
I don't feel good about this.

MERCUTIO
Why? Art thou a chicken? Frightened to sneak into parties. Romeo, thou art a little girl. A very pretty little girl.

ROMEO
I had a dream… you were in it.

MERCUTIO
I had a dream too and as were you in mine. I had a dream that you weren't such a little girl! But we all know that won't come true!

ROMEO
My dream was so real though.

MERCUTIO
Ah, then it seems that Lady Gaga hath been with you!

ROMEO
Lady Gaga?

MERCUTIO
Yes! Lady Gaga! She goes into your head whilst you sleep and creates confusing and elaborate music videos inside your mind! Lovers dream of having a Bad Romance whilst the gambler dreams of donning his Poker Face! The vain dream of the Paparazzi and being Telephoned! Carefree youth dream of Just Dancing! Whilst the confused dream of Alejandro, Roberto, and Fernando and being on the right track for they were born that way, baby!

Mercutio has walked off into a back alley and looks completely crazed, yelling, and almost foaming at the mouth. Romeo has followed him, leaving behind Benvolio. Romeo puts a hand on Mercutio's shoulder. Mercutio turns around to face him, still crazed.

ROMEO
Peace, Mercutio! Peace! Thou talkst of nothing!

Mercutio calms down and rests his forehead against Romeo's. Romeo puts his hands on Mercutio's cheeks.

ROMEO
(Whispers)
Thou talkst of nothing…

MERCUTIO
Yes… I talkst of dreams… nothing…

They stand there; staring into each other's eyes for a few seconds before Romeo tentatively leans in and kisses Mercutio who kisses back. They separate and stare at each other.

ROMEO
I'm sorry… I-

MERCUTIO
Shhh. Benvolio is coming.

Enter Benvolio.

BENVOLIO
Art thou coming or not! We burnest the moonlight!

MERCUTIO
Aye, we're coming.

ROMEO
Aye.

They all walk off towards the Capulet house.

Scene Three

Romeo, Mercutio, and Benvolio enter the party. "Friday" plays.

BENVOLIO
Oh yeah! This is my jam!Partying, partying yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun! Weekend! Weekend!

Romeo and Mercutio glare at Benvolio as he dances. They walk away, he does not notice.

MERCUTIO
I am going to grab something to drink. Wouldst thou like anything?

ROMEO
No, but thank you.

MERCUTIO
I shall return hence.

Mercutio walks across the room to get food. He pushes many people out of the way to get to the drinks. Romeo watches him.

ROMEO
O, he doth teach the torches to burn bright! It seems he hangs upon the cheek of night as a rich jewel in an Ethiop's ear. Beauty too rich for use, for Earth too dear. So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows. Did my heart love till now? Foreswear it, sight, for I ne'er saw true beauty till this night. But he is a man and so am I. Damn this impossible love! Yet, did his lips not so sweetly press against mine own? Ah conflicting clarity! Ah right-feeling wrong!

Mercutio comes back.

ROMEO
Come hither, let us go over yonder.

They walk into a discreet corner.

ROMEO
My apologies for before—

MERCUTIO
'Twas but a kiss. 'Twas not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door, but t'was enough. 'Twill serve.

Romeo takes Mercutio's face in his hands.

ROMEO
No, 'twas deeper.

MERCUTIO
…Aye…

They kiss. Romeo pulls away.

ROMEO
Mercutio. Brave, gentle, Mercutio. We cannot do this.

Mercutio pulls away and lets go of Romeo.

MERCUTIO
But… I do believe I am in love with you.

ROMEO
As am I with you!

They kiss. Mercutio pulls away.

MERCUTIO
Oh sweet conflicting love! Romeo!

Mercutio bursts into song, singing "Decode" by Paramore.

MERCUTIO
(Sings)
How can I decide what's right When you're clouding up my mind? Can't win your losing fight all the time. Not gonna ever own what's mine when you're always taking sides. You won't take away my pride. No, not this time. Not this time.

How did we get here? When I use to know you so well. How did we get here? Well, I think I know.

The truth is hiding in your eyes and it's hanging on your tongue, just boiling in my blood. But

you think that I can't see what kind of man that you are if you're a man at all. Well, I will figure this one out on my own. On my own. I'm screaming "I love you so..." But my thoughts you can't decode.

How did we get here? When I use to know you so well. How did we get here? Well, I think I know.

Do you see what we've done? We've gone and made such fools of ourselves. Do you see what we've done? We've gone and made such fools of ourselves.

How did we get here? When I use to know you so well. How did we get here? Well, I think I know. I think I know. I think I know! There is something I see in you, it might kill me I want it to be true.

ROMEO
It is true.

MERCUTIO
You fickle little girl! Inconstant as the wind! Doth thou love me or not!

ROMEO
I love thee.

Enter Tybalt

TYBALT
Mercutio! What art thou doing here? And in the arms of a Montague! Hast thou brought a Montague into the house of Capulet?

MERCUTIO
Oh, hello, fair Tybalt. Dost thou not know that I now consort with the Montagues?

TYBALT
I ought to slay you both!

MERCUTIO
O now Tybalt. 'Twould be in vain, for between us, we both know who hath the larger sword. And Romeo could easily put us both to shame.

Tybalt and Romeo blush.

TYBALT
Very well then, good Mercutio. Carry on and the best of luck to both of you. But don't let me catch you two crashing my parties again!

MERCUTIO
'Twon't be a problem again. In fact, we should be leaving shortly.

They walk away from Tybalt.

ROMEO
Who was that? How dost thou know him?

MERCUTIO
Ah, but Tybalt. Or Prince of Cats as I used to call him.

ROMEO
But how dost thou—

MERCUTIO
Ex-boyfriend.

ROMEO
Ah. But why Prince of Cats?

MERCUTIO
Some things are best left unsaid, Romeo my dear.

Enter Benvolio.

BENVOLIO
Marry, let us go. This party is lame.

ROMEO
Yes. We should go. Excuse me, please for a moment. I shall hence shortly; go along without me.

BENVOLIO
If thou insists. Come, Mercutio.

MERCUTIO
Romeo, goest thou to weep? Well, one cannot spell Romeo without emo.

ROMEO
And love is but evol spelled backwards.

BENVOLIO
Come now, Mercutio, if he wishes to be alone he shall be alone.

Exit Benvolio and Mercutio. Romeo runs to the backdoor and takes off down the street, pausing when he is sure Mercutio and Benvolio are not there.

ROMEO
Can I go forward when my heart is here? Turn back, dull earth, and find thy center out.

Romeo runs away as Benvolio and Mercutio enter.

BENVOLIO
Romeo! Get back here! Mercutio, are you sure nothing happened to make him so sad?

MERCUTIO
Not that I am aware. Perhaps he hath fallen in love… with a woman. Perhaps 'twas lady Juliet Capulet… And that's a totally plausible scenario despite the fact that they would have just met tonight for five minutes. This is in no way a ploy to cover up some more secretive matter.

BENVOLIO
…I never suspected as such.

MERCUTIO
Then you art a fine good marksman! Romeo! Little Girl! Madman! Passion! Lover! Appear thou to me in the likeness of a sigh!

BENVOLIO
I'm sure he's fine. Let the poor man to his bed.

MERCUTIO
Ah, to his bed yes but not to sleep. To rid of his lust. That is why our Romeo be alone behind closed door.

BENVOLIO
I would tell you not to speak of him like that but I have known you for far too long.

MERCUTIO
Oh, 'tis not too long.

Like it so far? Reviews would be greatly appreciated. :)