Had this one sitting in the 'vault' for a while and after a re-read i thought i should put it up. Although it's my first published Hellsing fic, i've got a few more in the works.

Hope you all enjoy and have a giggle!

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or any of it's characters!

Please read the AN at the end!

The Super Sneeze

Seras hadn't noticed it at first. It came over her gradually, as these things often do, catching the victim unawares, unable to do anything to stop it until it's too late. Her eyes were closed as she lay in her earth-filled coffin - which she still thought was rather morbid.

Suddenly a loud, rock-splitting sneeze ripped through the Hellsing mansion, making everyone leap onto the nearest person. Unfortunately for Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, she was the one nearest to the No-Life King, Alucard. She had no warning as the Nosferatu threw himself into her arms, eyes wide with fear. Naturally, unable to support such a sudden weight, Integra collapsed to the floor, Alucard perched neatly atop her. He looked around in fright.

"What was that?" he whispered, half in fear.

"It seems-" Integra tried to say before pushing the vampire off her and to the floor with a loud thump. He glared at her half-heartedly as she stood, straightening her suit. "It seems Seras has caught a cold." She said simply, pulling out a cigarillo from her desk and lighting it. Alucard looked at her indignantly.

"What are you on about? Vampires don't catch colds!" he growled.

"You may be the first Nosferatu, but that doesn't mean you know everything. There have been reports of vampires – and other unnatural beings – with an illness that greatly resembles the common human cold, but has the ability to mutate to suit each supernatural creature's body." Alucard, still on the floor, slumped, his head resting on his upturned palms wearily.

"How do we cure it?"

"Unfortunately, there is not yet a known cure. However, it will go away in its own time. Seras simply has to work through it." Integra said assuredly, exhaling a plume of smoke.

-1 Week later-

Another mega-sneeze tore through the air, shaking the Hellsing mansion to its foundations. Integra, Alucard and Walter were all in the garden, the only place where they wouldn't feel the shockwaves...too much. Integra had dark circles under her eyes. Alucard's hair was an atrocious black mangled mess that not even his massive hat could fit over anymore.

"You said it would go away! I've had to move my coffin to the gardening shed to avoid this nightmare!" He accused furiously, looming at Integra.

"I thought it would!" She responded, growling back at him. Before long accusations were being hurled back and forth. Walter stood to the side, head lowered in defeat and too exhausted to intervene.

"Do you know how disgusting it is to wake up in the middle of the day to the reeking stench of fertiliser!?"

"I can't help that; it's the gardening shed! Where else do you want the groundskeepers to store their supplies!? I told you to stay in the garage if you wanted away from her so badly!"

"Oh yes, because I can definitely sleep when Walter's driving your royal behind to meetings or someone pulls up every god damn morning! Have you heard the sound of roller doors in your dreams? I have!"

"You didn't need to squeeze the Morgan down to a matchbox over it! That was my favourite car - and you STILL haven't apologised for it!"

"Well MAYBE if someone had done their research on this amazing new supernatural cold going around and prevented it before one of their servants got sick, I WOULDN'T HAVE EVER COME IN CONTACT WITH YOUR DAMN MORGAN!"

"A-HEM!" Someone shouted. Alucard and Integra look toward the noise-maker angrily, but soon their fury melted into surprise. Before them stood Seras, dressed messily in her yellow uniform, her Harkonnen at her side. Her eyes and nose were red. She couldn't stop sniffling and she was slightly unsteady on her feet. Alucard immediately shied back behind Integra, peering out behind her head. Seras looked a little wounded, but understood his cautionary attitude.

"Sir, I know I'm not well, but we have a situation." She said, sniffing.

"A situation?"

"Yes ma'am." Walter said suddenly, speaking up. "I was trying to tell you that Anderson's been spotted out West." Suddenly both Alucard and Integra looked exhausted. He dropped his forehead onto Integra's back and let out a desperately tired moan.

"Not him! Not NOW. That's all we need!"

"I swear, I'm going to wring that bastard's neck!" Integra growled venomously. They all looked at her, shocked by her outright aggression.

"S-Sir?" Seras stammered, almost dropping her Harkonnen. Integra looked slightly embarrassed.

"Er...I mean, Alucard, get him out of England! He has no right to be here!"

The old vampire glared at her. "If you think I'm dealing with that zealous Catholic on three hours sleep-"

"Well I can't send Seras with you, and you know I can't spare Walter! Do you expect me to come trouncing out there with you!?" she snapped.

"S-Sir, honestly I feel good enough to at least help Master chase him off." Seras offered.

"I'll not have you spread those germs all over the battlefield, Police Girl." Alucard warned.

"To be fair, those sneezes are quite dangerous in their own right." Walter mused. "Who knows, she might take out the Paladin."

A slight grin made its way onto Integra's face.

"Maybe it's the lack of sleep, but I like the sound of that, Walter." She admitted. The butler looked at her abruptly. "Seras, you are to accompany Alucard!" Before Alucard could protest, she continued. "With any luck, the Paladin will contract the blasted thing from you and take it back to the Vatican before he heals from it. Then, at least, I can suffer in comfort, knowing that bastard Maxwell is suffering just as much." At this, Alucard looked slightly less outraged.

"Y-Yes, Sir!" Seras said, trying her best to look like a soldier and not a sick creature.

"Ah...Ah...AHH...AAA-" The three of them looked in horror at Seras as her face screwed up.

"Run!" Walter screamed, diving for a row of hedges. Alucard grabbed Integra round the waist and leapt out of the firing line.

"AAACHOOOOOOOOOO!"

Alexander Anderson strolled through the unpaved English woodland, silver moonbeams bouncing off the leaves and illuminating his spectacles like two headlights. Nothing better to calm his nerves than a proverbial day in the park, killing FREAKs and probably causing Hellsing a headache. Technically, he was trampling all over their treaties by being here. He really did enjoy his work.

Suddenly he felt that aura he hated so much; the dark, malicious trail left behind by the Hellsing pet. It was only a matter of time before the Hellsing cow sent her hounds after him. However, before he could hear, see or even smell Alucard - he had this strange scent of death and wine - some great force flattened a whole row of trees in one blow, only the wind remaining. Anderson leapt back, bayonets ready and in hand.

"What the bloody hell was that?" He whispered in terror. His ears picked up the sound of the Draculina's voice. It sounded...nasally and congested. But that couldn't be right...could it?

"I'm sorry Master. I didn't think it could get this bad." Suddenly the two vampires came into view. Neither looked normal. Alucard's face was gaunt and tired, his shoulders drooped, cotton wool in his ears, hat absent and cravat messy. Absolutely no trace of his usual mad grin could be found in his expression. Seras' nose and eyes were red. Her face looked puffy and tired and she kept sniffling every few seconds. There was a surgical mask over her mouth and nose. The two were walking several metres apart; odd for the usually close-knit team.

"What...What the hell happened to you two?" He asked, quite bewildered, putting aside the fact that he was meant to be fighting these undead monsters. Alucard only pointed to the smaller vampire. She chuckled meekly before her shoulders fell.

"I have a cold." She said sadly.

"If you want to live to see the next day, you would be wise to duck when she sneezes." Alucard said dryly.

Anderson looked at the flattened trees.

Alucard nodded.

Anderson's expression of confusion morphed into one of horror.

"But...vampires don't get sick!"

"That's what I said!" Alucard shouted angrily. "But noooo! Apparently there's a special 'supernatural cold strain'!" He growled sardonically, throwing his hands up and stalking to his right.

"I said I'm sorry! I really am! This isn't exactly a load of fun for me either! I'm coughing up mucus every few minutes, its gross!" She turned weakly to Anderson. "Look, we're really not in the mood to fight you today. Can we postpone this till I get better?" She asked.

"W...What? 'Postpone'!? Do you think I make dates in a dairy for when we battle?"

"Well, no, but just this once? Look at us! You wouldn't be fighting much." She sniffed. Alucard was leaning on a tree, head bobbing up and down as he nodded off to sleep. The Draculina put down her cannon, withdrew a packet of thick tissues from one of her pockets, pulled down her mask and blew her nose. Anderson made a face when she pulled out a lighter and burned the tissue, stamping out its remains on the floor. "He doesn't want to catch it." She offered weakly, thumbing at Alucard.

As loathed as he was to admit it, she had a point. Anderson mulled it over.

Before she could replace her mask, Seras' nose began to itch.

"Oh crap. M-Master, I feel a big one coming! Run!" she shouted trying to hold her mega sneeze in. The Nosferatu immediately sprang into full alertness and bounded out of sight, leaving Anderson to face the death-sneeze alone.

"A-A-Ahhh-AHHCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !"

The world seemed to be still for a moment. Anderson's eyes widened as the death-blast sped toward him. He didn't even have time to scream as it ploughed into him, barrelling him through the foliage and well out of sight. Seras flew back and landed on her back.

For several moments she lay there, trying to pin down what was different. She inhaled through her nose. She could breathe easily. Her eyes were no longer sore and her nose wasn't itchy. She felt normal.

Seras leaped up and whooped for joy. "I'm free! I'M FREE!" she shouted spinning around happily. "THANK YOU, ANDERSON!" she bellowed down the track of destroyed greenery where the priest had disappeared. Somehow, his presence had been the trigger to get rid of her cold. Though she wouldn't question it, she wondered if it was some ironic kind of holy purification. Either way, she was sure that Anderson wouldn't be sticking around England now.

Seras merrily danced though the trees, calling out for her Master, ready to return home and spread the good news that her cold had gone.

And, despite his regenerative powers, the Vatican had no such luck with their case of the Super Sneeze. Anderson's immune system never had been very good at dealing with getting sick.

20/7/2017

So, some years later as I was perusing my old works I decided that this little one deserved better, and thus it's been added to and bulked up a little! I decided the 'Alucard's just special' thing wasn't quite fair. If Anderson – a regenerator – could get sick, then Alucard should be equally wary. RIP Integra's Morgan. You will be missed.

I'll keep the old copy as the second chapter. It's always good to see progress.

The A.N. at the top will stand. It's still true, after all. I've still got more Hellsing works in the vault.