Chapter 22:

The Battle Begins...

Sonea wakes up suddenly one night, alert to an ominous presence in her bedroom.

Sonea: Edward? Is that you?!

Akkarin: Ah… yes!

Sonea: Oh Edward, I've waited for thee for so long! Come, take me now; I offer up my virginity as a gift for thee!

Akkarin: *can't believe his luck and takes off his robes*

Sonea: Edward? Why does your body not glitter?

Akkarin: Does it normally do that?!

Sonea: *gasps* Thou art not Edward at all! Thou art a common pervert intent on stealing my precious innocence. Get thee gone from my bedroom, and never return! *sends powerful stunstrike at him, and he runs off howling in pain*

Sonea: From now on, I'm sticking to werewolves.

Sonea waits outside the Arena before her battle with Regin.

Sonea: *sharpens her daggers*

Rothen: Ah Sonea… you're not planning on stabbing Regin with those, are you?

Sonea: …

Rothen: That silence sounds ominous; I think I better take some nemmin. *injects himself with nemmin, overdoses and keels over*

Sonea: I better hide the body in case I get blamed for this! *kicks Rothen into a bush*

Lorlen: Now Sonea, if Regin kills or maims you in the Arena, we'll have to take money out of your allowance to clean up the mess. If you kill Regin, we'll need to use your money to buy a replacement son or pet for Regin's parents. Understand?

Akkarin: And if you lose, I shall make Regin my novice as a mark of how disappointed I am in you.

Dorrien: If you win, I'll marry you and buy a mansion in the countryside; and if you lose, I'll still marry you, but I'm only buying us a cottage.

Regin: *sneers* You're going down, Slum Girl!

Sonea: Not in this book! *throws every sort of strike she can think of at him*

For the next 5 minutes, an assortment of sounds fill the Arena, such as: *Klonk* *Splat* *Wham* *Pow* *Crunch* *Bam* *Sock* *Crash*

Finally…

Sonea: This is for knocking up my aunt Jonna! *hurls fatal firestrike at Regin*

Regin: Wait, that wasn't me it was Akk- ARRGGGHH! *bursts into flames*

Lorlen: Sonea! What were you thinking?! We all paid good money to come here today, and you kill your opponent in less than five minutes?!

Dannyl: I came all the way from Elyne to see this rubbish.

Tayend: And you dragged me along too! I want my money back!

Akkarin: Sonea, you shall proceed to fight the rest of your class, so that we all get our money's worth. Henceforth, this practise of setting novices against each other for entertainment shall be known as the Hunger Games. Let the battle begin!

Sonea: Die evil novices, DIE! *fires strikes in every direction*

Lorlen: Alright Sonea… maybe not quite so vigorously…. Remember you have to pay for the funeral of everyone you kill.

Sonea: *firestrikes Akkarin for trying to molest her the previous night*

Akkarin: EVERYBODY RUN!

The crowd rushes out of the Arena, and into the Guild where they barricade the front door, leaving Sonea outside. They gather around the window to peer outside at her.

Tayend: This is the worst holiday ever!

Sonea: I HATE you all! Nobody tried to stop Regin from bullying me all year! *Sets the Guild on fire*

Dannyl: Sonea please, you can't kill me! Remember our alternative married future together?

Sonea: You abandoned me for a garish piece of Elyne upper class trash!

Tayend: ... Who exactly is she referring to?

Akkarin: Hey… Aren't you that scholar guy who tricked me into sleeping with you while you were still underage?!

Lorlen: God dammit we have more important things to deal with than Akkarin's questionable preference for teenagers! The Guild is on fire!

Sonea: *cackles manically and shoots more sparks* You shall all bow down to your new master!

Tayend: All hail High Lady Sonea!

Sonea: I shall take pity on you, tastelessly dressed Elyne slut, and make you my slave.

Tayend: *pouts* I was hoping for favourite concubine at the very least.

Dorrien runs outside to confront the love of his life.

Dorrien: Sweet Sonea, this is sheer madness! A woman cannot rule the Guild by herself. Allow me to be your consort and advisor, and together we shall purge this place of bullies and slash-hating homophobes!

Sonea: It's a deal.

Akkarin: What about me Sonea? I've already invested money in the Thieves illegal activities, just to win the approval I secretly crave from you!

Sonea: *starts blowing up the Guild*

Lorlen: The Guild isn't supposed to be destroyed until The High Lord: Part 2!

Tayend: I still can't believe they decided to split it into 2 movies.

Trudi Canavan: More money for meeeeeeeee!

Tayend: *shocked* It's that woman who gives us all awful storylines, and refuses to write gay make-out scenes!

Sonea: It's your fault I've been ruthlessly bullied and probed all year! *stunstrikes Trudi Canavan*

Dannyl: Hey, you could have waited til she signed my books.

Regin: *crawls back from the dead* Sonea! Please, marry me and bear my twelve children!

Sonea: You shall be my mistress. And I'm never having kids, I know all about contraceptive now.

Rothen: *awakes from nemmin-induced stupor* Sonea, what have I told you about trying to blow up the Guild?!

Lorlen: I'm certainly not cleaning up this mess.

Akkarin: We'll make the first years do it. All dressed up in kinky outfits from my Summer Novice collection.

Tayend: Or maybe my Sexy Scholar collection! Wait, are we discussing dressing up children?! Trudi really did get desperate if she's resorted to this…

Lorlen: And I've still got paperwork to do! So my character hasn't really developed all that much… I've had it with this, next year I'm doing musical theatre with Osen!

Rothen: *frets* But the Guild's clearly beyond repair! Where ever shall we live now?

Tayend: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?

Lorlen: … All in favour of invading Hogwarts, raise your wands.

Everybody is about to raise their wand, when they realise they have none.

Tayend: Am I the only person with a wand?!

Lorlen: Alright, everybody without a wand, raise something else.

Dannyl: *puzzles over what to raise* … Oh, you mean our hands! For a moment I was worried that the rating of this story was about to go up again.

Akkarin: *crooked smile* And they think I'm dirty minded.

Sonea: You'll be my personal slave, Akkarin. I've already bought a dog collar with your name on it. And my first law as High Lady of Hogwarts is to decree that all Anuren Dark be poured down the sewer. It might put a stop to your crooked smiling.

Akkarin: *scowls crookedly*

THE END

Coming Soon to a Fanfiction Site near you:

Harry Potter and the High Lord (Part 1)

A heartfelt thank you to everybody who's read/reviewed/favourited this story - I can't believe its over a year and a half since I started posting it! I know I've said it before, but I seriously wouldn't have finished it through to the end if it hadn't been for the support and encouragement from all you wonderful readers :D Given that the BMT fandom has gotten so quiet here lately, I'm particularly honoured that people have kept reading my insane fanfic ramblings :)

Apart from this spoof, I haven't written anything new for over a year now, but I still have a handful of unposted BMT fics which I might post while I figure out how to move on with my fanfiction life. (Before anyone asks, I have no serious plans whatsoever to write Harry Potter and the High Lord Parts 1 and 2, although I would love to read it if somebody else wants to XD).

Anyway best wishes to all my readers, and thanks again for your generous time and feedback!

xoxo