HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This is the entry from Alice's private journal that I submitted for the

FANDOM FOR TEXAS FIRE RELIEF...

...Alice knew more than she let on.

She's been hiding things—visions—from Edward...

Betas extraordinaire: LJ Summers and u2shay

Please note that this is set back in MARCH...while the last entry was the PROPOSAL from Christmas...

∞ Alice Brandon-Whitlock-Cullen's Journal ∞

Saturday, March 19, 2005

I need to come up with a plan.

I'm going to have to tell him. I've been keeping this secret, well, both of these secrets, for way too long. One of them I've kept for years.

In May of 1969 when I first saw Edward getting married—to a human—I was shocked. But the joy on his face in the vision was worth any distress I had. Jasper and I had been part of the Cullen family for nineteen years and I'd never seen him this way.

Once I knew what to look for, I kept my inner eye on his bride. The time I shared seeing him with her in the meadow was a banner day for my mate. Jasper had said that the happiness that poured from Edward was blissful to bask in.

In January, 1981, when I saw the van almost smash her, I was impressed that all of the family came together to try and pinpoint the time that this would happen. I loved that they came up with a plan to keep this vision from coming to fruition. Even Rose helped.

There aren't enough words to cover how we all felt when we saw Charlie holding her that first time in September 1987. Edward had sketched the vision almost as I quickly as I saw it. Esme, in particular, was touched by seeing Bella as a baby. Edward had said the name out loud dozens of times by the end of that day: Isabella Marie Swan—Bella. His bride had a name and she was actually on the earth with us.

When we saw Renée leaving with her a couple of years later, I wasn't the only one that wished we could shed tears.

Some of the family thought that the worst vision was the one where we saw Edward killing Bella. Even though it was hideous when I was having it, if I hadn't seen that outcome…it might have come true. Having the warning that she was his singer changed everything. Rosalie really came through for our family there. I don't think I've ever been more proud of her than when she found a way for him to be with his mate.

Bella is his mate and there is no disputing that fact. I can see him fighting changing her, but it is going to be her decision. Her choice was mostly made after we all told her our stories. She's held back from making the decision solid because she will miss her dad and mom and she's worried about them. She's taken care of them for most of her life; at least it feels that way to her. And from the things I've seen and the things she's told us about her life, she's right about that, too.

I want both Edward and Bella to come to the decision before it's forced on them. I've seen the blood and the confusion…and the baby.

After Edward actually met Bella, I'd been overwhelmed with visions. Jasper took me away for a weekend where I could visualize without interference. The visions had come in a landslide and I had taken them to Carlisle for his input. Between all of us, we are the only three that can keep anything from Edward. I really needed to know what Carlisle thought of what I had been seeing.

Because Edward would freak out if he knew what I've seen.

When Jasper and I finally found the Cullens, after I had been searching for so many years, he gave me his appraisal of them. Carlisle and Esme were mated and incredibly serene. Rosalie and Emmett were mated also, but on the total opposite side of the spectrum. Their relationship was and is volatile and passionate. Sometimes it's fun to enjoy the reflected enthusiasm when those two get going.

But Edward was different. Jazz said he had a hard time cataloging Edward. It wasn't quite contentment, and it wasn't happiness, for sure. He could be sad or edgy, and sometimes Jasper could sense violence about ready to spike…but then it would fade away. It took about fifteen years before he realized just what word would classify Edward. He finally said it was waiting. It was like he was just passively waiting for time to pass by. He wasn't even waiting for something; it appeared that he had no hope. He just was.

When I had that first vision, something changed in him. And with each succeeding one, his outlook softened. There was hope mixed into his emotions. Jasper found it much easier to be near him.

We all know Edward's views on our souls, or the lack thereof. I can't believe that my Jasper has no soul. He has regretted each life he ended. Remorse is a constant for him. If he had no soul, he surely wouldn't care. And Carlisle! Please, that man's soul has a warmth that one can feel, even without my mate's empathetic gift.

The first vision that I knew would shock Edward in a really bad way came just after I saw the two of them in the meadow. It was just a flash and I quickly suppressed it. A week later, when Edward was several states away hunting with Emmett, I brought it out of the darkest part of my mind and looked at it closely.

The young woman was smiling at me, her white arms wrapped around my shoulders while Edward grinned (grinned!) at the two of us. Her bright red eyes rested on Edward, love and joy giving her face an exceptional beauty, even for a vampire.

She was happy, I was happy…and Edward was happy.

But I didn't think Edward was ready to see that. He was so focused on the wedding and his human bride. I don't think he even thought about changing her. That seemed silly to me, but Edward, with his tendency to brood, well, it fit.

Just after Bella's birth in Forks, Washington, I had another brief vision. Edward was so involved with sketching Charlie with the baby that he didn't notice the small flash of vision that I had and had quickly hidden. Again I waited until he was gone before I looked at it closely.

Bella, with golden eyes, was holding Edward's hand as they watched something—a shimmery…something—in a playground, of all things. They were smiling and I tried to read her lips as she turned and said something to Edward.

The vision faded before I could see what she was saying, but a golden-eyed Bella filled me with joy. I tucked this vision away, too. He really wasn't ready for it.

After Edward actually met Bella in January, I began to have visions that left me with a headache. It was like trying to see gold nuggets through muddy silt and the more that I focused on them, the harder they were to see.

I had finally told Jasper that we needed to get away for a long weekend. No one in the family thought anything of it, and we had run to a small cabin that we kept in Canada on Friday, February 4. We were miles from anyone and it was paradise to just be with my mate.

On Saturday morning, I had sat cross legged on Jasper's lap in the middle of the clearing in front of the cabin. Sunlight had poured over us and the heat felt fabulous. Jasper kept me grounded and calm while I tried to figure out the riddle of the visions. Taking a deep breath, I had focused on the vision that had tapered off into darkness. It came to me slowly:

Bella, with golden eyes, was holding Edward's hand as they watched something—a shimmery…something—in a playground of all things. They were smiling and I read her lips as she said, 'Renesmee is growing so fast. She'll be as tall as me within the year! I'm so grateful that her growth has slowed like Carlisle said it would.'

The name she said, Renesmee, had startled me. Bella's mother's name is Renee, our mother is Esme. The combination had made the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I'd immediately looked at the brief glimpses that I'd had since Edward met Bella in January.

I'd started with the red-eyed Bella…then looked for a time when her eyes were gold. There were blanks in my visions, places that I just couldn't see. So I had started to look around the holes and that's when things started to come together.

Rosalie, with a softer look on her face than I have ever seen, holding baby clothes, burying her nose in them and breathing deeply.

Esme crouched down as she waited for that shimmery space to launch itself into her arms. The smile on her face is more brilliant than I've ever seen it.

Emmett—again on a playground—pushing something…someone…in a swing; the grin on his face almost too wide.

Carlisle holding a steel baby bottle and a measuring tape! I see him turn toward Edward and say, her growth is slowing down. She's a miracle.

And Jasper, well, he was practically glowing with joy in every vision. He was always just on the periphery, a smile on his face. It was like he was soaking up the feelings that surrounded each image.

Even then I could scarcely imagine it. All of the signs pointed to one thing: a baby. But how could that be? Bella wasn't pregnant when Edward met her. We would have noticed that and she's not pregnant now.

Jasper hadn't asked what was happening as I had sifted through visions. He just kept feeding me serenity and confidence as we sat before the cabin. He really is the perfect foil to my personality. Calm, steady and just there for me.

After a brief kiss and a soft, "Let me look some more," I leaned back into his strength and continued my search.

More flashes had come to me while he held me close:

The wedding…I made a mental note that I'd to need to find that particular dress for Bella when the time comes; it was gorgeous on her.

Their arrival at the house on Isle Esme…Both of them are shy and their smiles hint at the things to come. Edward is very romantic as he carries her over the threshold.

Feathers and a broken headboard…Joy on both of their faces as the sun begins to lighten the room.

I try to not see anything too personal, both for them and for myself. My gift makes me walk a very fine line between seeing enough and seeing too much.

Bella holding a blue box of feminine supplies with a shocked look on her face. Her hand coming to rest on her belly, a belly that had a slight roundness to it.

The visions came in a torrent then, making my mind reel as Jasper tensed behind me. He had felt the shock pouring off of me as Bella had begun to blur in the visions, becoming almost transparent as the visions flipped through my mind.

Bella walking through the airport and rushing into Rosalie's arms—Rosalie! Emmett had stood between them and Edward, his arms raised to block him from approaching.

A nearly transparent Bella looking at her hugely rounded stomach while Edward placed his hands reverently there.

A sharp spike of pain at the base of my skull had caught me off guard before she disappeared completely from my view.

Then a scene from a horror film: Bella laying on a gurney, blood everywhere as a young Native American male pumped her chest and Edward forced venom into bites on her arms and legs. A brief glimpse of Rosalie carrying something small from the room caught my attention.

My emotions had spun out of control. I felt fear, shock, amazement…and hope.

Jasper had hissed as he looked around the clearing. I knew he wanted to fight whatever I was seeing, but he held me firmly in his lap when I put my hand on his face. I let the last emotion flow from me—hope—even as I told him that we would need to guard our thoughts from Edward until he was ready for them.

That was over a month ago. Jasper has been diligent in keeping my secret and Carlisle has as well.

The three of us had spoken upon our return and Carlisle had immediately begun searching to see if this could even happen. He had known that the myths of the succubi were based on our fellow vegetarians in Alaska: Kate, Irina and Tanya. His scientific mind led him to believe that since that tale was based in truth, then maybe the myths surrounding the incubus were true, too. It was hard for him to do his research, but he never let anything slip to Edward.

This week has been busy for our family. The baseball game and then the fight and destruction of the nomads. Telling Bella about our changes. Bella defending us at the Reservation.

We have all enjoyed the rest of the spring break just spending time with each other. Jasper and I went on a double date with Edward and Bella to see a movie. And we've spent a lot of time here at the house.

I know I have to tell Edward something. He knows that I'm hiding something and he's started picking at the edges of my mind. I don't want him to find out about Bella and the baby by mistake.

We had a close call last night. Carlisle had come in fairly humming with excitement. It was a good thing that Edward had already left to take Bella home, otherwise he would have known that something was up. His research has turned up children of male vampires and female humans. Our friends in South America, Kachiri, Senna and Zafrina, have verified the tales and have spoken to a young male. His name is Nahuel. He apparently looks about twenty but he's about 145 years old.

We will need to research this further, but the fact that it can happen is amazing. I can see Jasper and I taking a trip to discover everything we can about these hybrids, and what it may mean for Bella.

I need to plan how to tell Edward. We need to make sure that Jasper is close, to calm his fears when he hears this. I'm afraid that if I tell him about it, about Bella and her red eyes and the baby, he'll just do something stupid, like running.

Running is not good. A month ago when I first considered showing Edward the visions, I started with Bella with red eyes, and I had seen him running to Alaska. Bella had been a mess after he left. Then her future disappeared when she spent time with the puppy. She was never happy in the future that I could see. It was intermittent because of the wolf involvement but I saw her taking her wedding ring off and signing divorce papers with the name Isabella Marie Black. The sadness on her face just about broke my heart.

It was slightly better when I started by showing Edward a golden-eyed Bella, smiling up at him and telling him that she'd never been happier.

But when I start out by showing him the vision of him touching her pregnant belly…well, he seems to go into shock and I didn't even know that vampires could do that.

I need to think on this and come to a decision before he finds it in one of our heads.

My gift as a seer depends upon decisions made. Sometimes I don't have the slightest clue how far removed the decision that makes what I see happen in actuality. It's kind of like that game people play, Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon; someone made a decision thirty-six years ago that caused me to see Edward and Bella's wedding. I'll never know what that decision was.

Now, I'm going to try to see how to make this vision come about.

A baby! What a blessing this would be to us all. Esme as a grandmother; Rosalie an aunt! Our men with someone to dote on and protect. And Edward? Oh, Edward. He loves Bella so much and for their love to be tangible in this way! Well, I'm not sure that Jasper would be able to stand too close. He might just melt into a puddle from all the joy that would be wafting around.

Bella…she's already raised her mother and she's cared for her dad since she got here. I would worry how she'll feel about this, but I keep seeing her golden eyes, so filled with love, looking at that shimmery place. She loves that baby…Renesmee. There's no doubting that.

This really can be the best thing for our family ever…or it could end badly.

I need to come up with a plan.

Thank you all for donating to the Fandom for Texas Fire Relief! Your dollars helped tremendously.

More from Edward soonish...I'm working on BLOOD IS THICKER (BiT...still makes me laugh) right now.

Kathie (katmom)