A/N: I am thrusting myself into slashfics and not looking back. If I die, tell J. K. Rowling that she's my Superhero.

Potter,

You need a comb. And new clothes. And new glasses. And a sense of taste. And new friends. And lots of other things that I'm too bored to mention.

I hate you.

Go die.

-Draco Malfoy

P.S. Have you seen a green quill around Granger's class?

Draco,

…I'm not even going to respond to whatever mood swings put your boxers in a twist…

We've been friends for two years now, and the only reason you don't like Ron is because he's straight.

Creepiest moment of my life when you told me you fancied him, by the way.

-Harry

P.S. I saw it outside the Transfiguration classroom and recognized it as yours. I'll give it to you tomorrow.

And you do realize she's a Weasley now, right?

Potter,

No, I'm serious. We can't be friends anymore. And I don't like the weasel. You know I was drunk.

-Draco Malfoy

P.S. You suck. THAT WASN'T MY QUILL! And yes, I know that Granger's not a Granger anymore. I just like calling her that.

Draco,

I don't believe you. If you'd really wanted to stop being my friend, you would have just stopped talking to me. What's wrong?

Also, you only had two shots of fire whiskey, and all of a sudden you're leaning on me, arm around my shoulder, and saying things like "Ginger's got a nice arse" and "You know what they say about big hands…".

-Harry

P.S. Sorry. A lot of the students here have green quills.

Potter,

YOU SAID WE'D NEVER SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN!

You suck, I hate you.

-Draco Malfoy

P.S. I've counted three so far. You, Me, and Longbottom.

Draco,

I never remember saying that.

And you don't hate me.

-Harry

P.S. Half of the third years have bought a few at hogsmeade, and almost all of the first years have at least one.

Potter,

…Shut up.

-Draco Malfoy

P.S. …Really?

Draco,

No. I won't shut up.

Seriously, what's wrong?

-Harry

P.S. Yes, they do. Considering you are the Potions Professor and see at least fifty quills a day, you should have known this.

Potter,

Nothing's wrong.

-Draco Malfoy

P.S. …You scare me sometimes with what you notice.

Draco,

I'll give you one day to tell me what's wrong or I'll tell your fan club you've turned straight.

-Harry

P.S. I know. That's what makes it fun.

Harry,

Fine you win. I'll tell you.

Blaise broke up with me. He said I loved someone else, and I was just stringing him along.

Pansy already called killing him, sorry.

Oh yeah, I've decided we're friends again because I need someone to lean on in this horrible time.

-Draco

P.S. Jerk.

Draco,

…I'm sorry for you. Really, I am.

Why'd you go out with Zabini anyway? He was a prick.

-Harry

P.S. Off.

Harry,

That's exactly why I dated him.

And he was VERY talented with said prick.

-Draco

P.S. Something that you do every night, probably. With me in mind, even.

Draco,

I hope you've had your laugh. Now I have images of naked Zabini in my head. Ugh. I'm going to puke now.

-Harry

P.S. Ha. You wish.

P.P.S. Did you spike Neville with an Insanity Draught?

Harry,

I'm kind of glad we broke up. It's opened my eyes to some rather… Interesting possibilities.

-Draco

P.S. Of course not. Why?

Draco,

What possibilities?

-Harry

P.S. He asked Luna out yesterday.

Harry,

Let's just say it's someone that I definitely wouldn't have shagged as a student.

-Draco

P.S. Thank god, it's about time. I swear, if he hadn't, I would've locked them in the room of requirement until they either shagged, or one of them died.

Draco,

It's not Seamus, is it? Oh god, don't tell me it's OLIVER.

-Harry

P.S. …Really?

Draco,

I sent you a present. It will be on your desk tomorrow.

-Harry

P.S. It's something you use all the time...

Harry Fucking Potter,

Thanks for the box of jumbo-size CONDOMS on my desk you fucker, a FIRST-YEAR found them. I hope you traumatizing that little Ravenclaw girl makes you happy.

-Draco Malfoy

P.S. Why are both of the people you chose Gryffindors?

P.P.S. Yes, really.

End A/N: If anyone is still reading, I dedicate this to Cheryl Dyson, the Queen of Drarry, and also I dedicate it to Eatusalivex, who helped me get rid of my writer's block in the first place.