And On Tonight's Show - The Great Make-up and Its Unforeseen Consequences

The opening music is playing and the cameras are panning the audience as "The Kaji Ryouji Show" comes back after its latest commercial break. But something, or rather someone, is missing. The show's intrepid (if questionably sane) host, the infamous Mr Kaji, is nowhere to be seen.

But wait.

Listen.

Hear that?

He may be out of sight, but he certainly isn't out of mind - primarily because he isn't out of earshot of the audience.

"Oh! OH . . . MY . . . GOD! Don't stop . . . Misato . . . OH GOD!"

Kaji's guests, meanwhile, are sitting in their accustomed positions with rather strained expressions on their faces. One gets the impression that they've been listening to this for quite some time - and heartily wish they hadn't had to.

Except for Asuka, that is, who has just realised that Kaji's about to get caught with his pants down (literally) on national TV. She's snickering and giggling at the same time.

Scary.

"I can't believe she fell for that chat-up line," Shinji says, shaking his head ruefully at his guardian's lack of decency, common sense, foresight, responsibility . . . you get the idea.

"This is Misato we're talking about Shinji," Ritsuko observes. "When Kaji told her that the money he was earning from all this," Ritsuko gestures around the studio with a shudder, "would be enough to pay for a lifetime's supply of hard liquor she was putty in his hands."

"And many other things besides, it would seem," observes Rei in her usual cool monotone (Rei knows how to be expressive now, but she's learnt that sometimes she can get very interesting reactions out of people - especially her Shin-chan - by saying outrageous things very calmly. She doesn't understand why this is, but it sure is FUN). General face-faulting ensues.

The face-faulting continues as a background prop that has begun to shake suspiciously in time with Kaji's gasps suddenly gives up and collapses forward, sending the two people who were standing - well, more or less standing - behind it sprawling in a tangle of limbs and other body parts that is not entirely suitable for the timeslot in which Kaji's show is being aired.

Asuka falls out of her seat laughing while Kaworu stands on his seat and applauds their flexibility (and most of the male members of the audience follow his lead).

Back in Japan, Pen-Pen is caught by surprise and is unable to raise his flippers to cover his eyes in time, but sighs in relief as he realises that some technician has been quick witted enough to make the entire image fuzzy. He lowers his flippers and despite the obscured image on the screen he can guess at what's going on by the sound of the audience's laughter and cries of encouragement, as well as Misato's cursing and Kaji's stammered explanations. Then the show mercifully cuts to a premature commercial break.

If that quick witted technician had been a little more knowledgeable about the interpersonal relationships Kaji's current set of guests have carried with them, he might have realised the wisdom of simply cutting immediately to commercials. If he had then Makoto Hyuga, who has been watching the broadcast on the Geofront's tactical display, would never have snapped the way he did.

"My Misato-chan . . . MY MISATO-CHAN! . . . MY MISATO-CHAN WITH THAT BASTARD!"

Shigeru's off at a karaoke club and it's Maya's day off, so Makoto is acting-commander in charge of NERV. That includes the Geofront, the EVA's, section two and all of NERV's other resources. He's currently staring into space with eyes that have begun to glow in a manner reminiscent of Unit-01 and muttering to himself.

"Die . . . die die die . . . blood . . . dismemberment . . . heehee . . . drop Unit-01 on him! Teeheehee . . . N2 mine . . . bwahahaha!"

Anyone else think that Kaji's insurance premiums are about to skyrocket?

Back on the set the commercial break has brought Kaji and Misato precious minutes to attempt to scrape together the remnants of their dignity. When you've been busted having a quickie on national TV this is a futile exercise, but hope springs eternal, as the expression goes. It doesn't help that Kaji is trying to unstick his zipper in front of a couple of hundred audience members. Fortunately (depending on your perspective) they seem to regard it as some kind of slightly lewd floor show. Kaji, along with almost everyone else, is too preoccupied with his own difficulties to notice that Asuka has passed out from oxygen deprivation caused by laughing like a madwoman for the past five minutes straight. It's somehow not surprising that Kaworu would be the first to realise that Asuka is incapacitated and seek to take advantage.

"She needs CPR!" he exclaims, and promptly leaps to provide Asuka with the medical assistance he believes she needs. A moment later it's Kaworu who needs medical assistance, courtesy of Asuka's knee in his groin.

"Fascinating," Ritsuko observes, the scientist in her temporarily overriding the embarrassed part of her psyche, "it would seem that her subconscious has the ability to recognise and respond to threats even while she is unconscious, with no loss of reaction time or accuracy."

"In other words, one little freak got what he deserved at the hands, or rather knees, of another little freak."

Silence falls as Kaji's guests turn to regard this new and rather vicious sounding addition to their private hell. See if you can guess who it is by their reactions:

Kaji is scanning the audience to see what they make of the new arrival. Unfortunately for him, most of them don't know who she is.

Misato looks a little unnerved.

Ritsuko looks a lot unnerved after getting as close as a person can to a spit-take when they're not in the process of drinking something.

Gendo has revealed that he has a second expression in addition to inscrutable: shifty.

Shinji just looks nonplussed, while Asuka and Kaworu, being unconscious, don't do much of anything.

But it is Rei's reaction which is most notable. Her eyes flare and her posture stiffens slightly as she turns to stare the newcomer straight in the eye.

"Old hag . . ." she hisses under her breath.

To . . . Be . . . Continued . . . (Hopefully a little more quickly than usual.)

Author's notes

I am a bad, bad person. This has been sitting on my hard drive for months because I was too lazy to post it. But I've been completing a lot of work recently so I figured it was time I got around to it. It's filler, but it sets things up for the next couple of chapters and the big climax (it'll be messy, I promise).