Perry the Raven

Words in Bold and italic are spoken by the narrator.

Words in "Quotes" are spoken by characters.

Normal words are just descriptions.

This story is based and inspired by Edgar Allen Poe's famous poem, The Raven. Comment and enjoy.

I'm also open to improve this story, so feel free to give me some criticism.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping...

"Z z z z z z...z z z z z..." Doofenshmirts snored.

I said NEARLY napping, not out like a a light!

"HUH! WHAT! Oh...sorry." The doctor said.

While I nodded, nearly napping... suddenly there came a tapping.
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my apartment door.

"BAH! It's just some vistor tapping at my apartment door. On this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,

"December? But it's October!"

And each seperate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;-vainly I had sought to borrow from my books surcease of sorrow-
sorrow for the lost Lenore-

"Wait, who's Lenore?"

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Nameless here for evermore.

"Ok, now how can someone with a name be nameless? That doesn't make any-"

Just say your lines.

"Alright, alright! What's the point in arguing withthe narrator?" Doofenshmirts asked himself.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me-filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,

"It's just some vistor knocking on my apartment door! IT'S JUST SOME VISTOR KNOCKING ON MY APARTMENT DOOR! THAT IS ALL AND NOTHING MORE!" Doofenshmirtz said in a scared tone.

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,

"S-sir? Or ma'am? Probably sir? Truly your fogiveness I impore.
But to be honest, I was just sleeping when so gently you came rapping,
and so faintly you came tapping. Tapping on my aparment door,
and I got scared when I heard you." The doctor said as he approached his door.

Here I opened wide the door...

And he does it quick to see who's there.

Darkness there, and nothing more.

Well, darkness and a Fireside Girl selling cupcakes.

"Would like to buy some of our cupcakes?" Gretchen asks.

"Sorry, but I got to do something for a contest. But place down an order for me." He said before closing the door on the Firesidegirl

Back into the loneliness of my dark, dreary home,
Back to the dark silence where I may read my tomes...

"HEY, WAIT! I don't read much Shakespeare, but I know that wasn't part of The Raven!"

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore!"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word...

"Lenore! Lenore! Le...HEY WAIT! Is Lenore suppose to be my dead wife? She's not dead, we're just divorced! And here name is Charlene!"

Just...say your lines.

The doctor sighs. "Merely this and nothing more. THERE! HAPPY?"

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.

"Surely there is something at my window lettice...wait, a window lettice? What's a window lettice? Is hat suppose to mean I can eat my window?"

HIENZ!

"Ok, ok." He said to the narrator. "Let me see, then, what there at is, and this mystery explore...Wow, did they really talk like this back then? To think everyone in the 18th century had such horrible grammer."

"Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore."

Tis was wind. And nothing more.

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;

Then came flying in was a green blur.

"GAH! A PIGEON!" Doofenshmirttz screamed as he ducked for cover, fearing to get an 'arial attack'.

...stepped a stately RAVEN!

"Oh. Sorry."

The raven, however, was no normal raven. It was green, had a duck-like bill, and for some reason, had a beaver tail. On top of that, it was wearing a brown, 1940's fadora. It really did look more like a platypus then a raven

Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my apartment door-
Perched upon a bust of Phineas just above my apartment door-
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore.

"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou, art sure no craven, Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore. Geez, what the heck am I actually saying? How did I manage to memorize these lines?"

"Anyway Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonium shore!"

Plutoniun.

"Whatever."

Quoth the Raven...

"Krrrrrrrr..."

"OH COME ONE! I get yelled at for criticizing this thing, and HE doesn't even have to rhyme!"

Heinz...just get back to poem.

"Much I'm marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer means nothing-little importance it bores...
I...I can't but help agree that no living human being
has ever been blest with seeing a platypu...I mean, a bird on their apartment door.
Bird or beast upon a sculptured bust on their apartment door."

"And on top of that, all it says is...glch glch...glah."

"Krrrrrr..."

"Yeah, thats it."

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered-not a feather then he fluttered-
Till I scarcely more than muttered...

"Eh...other birds have flown in here before.
In the morning, he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before. Flown like my hopes of ruling the Tri-state area. Then...they come crashing down..." He said with misery.

Quoath the raven...

"Krrrrrr..."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,

"Doubtless, what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster. "

"I sure hope his old master was cruel to him by stuffing him in a tiny cage."

HEINZ!

"Okay, okay, fine! Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore-
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Never-nevermore'.
Okay, now what again did I just say?"

But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust, and door;

"What? But I don't want look at that creepy...actually you know what? I'm not even going to argue. I don't want to get yelled at again."

Not wanting to anger the narrator, Doofenshmirtz decided to simply pick up his chair and move it to in front of his apartment door.

Then upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore-
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking

"Krrrr..."

"So is this a bird, a platypus, or a ghost?

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;

"Actually, he does look pretty freaky."

This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Staring directly at the bird had made the doctor uneasy...nervous...scared...

Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.

"Alright, you thing of evil!-prophet still, if bird or devil!-wait, can we say devil on a kids show?"

Relax, this is only a fan made story.

"Oh, ok...Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed you here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, in this urban city enchanted-
On this home by horror haunted-tell me truly, I implore-
Is there-is there balm in Gilead?-tell me-tell me, I implore!"

Quoth the Raven...

"Krrrrr..."

"What? what does that even mean? I was just trying to ask you a fair question. Now can use 'please' answer? I even said please."

Quoth the Raven...

"Krrrrr..."

"OH COME ON! Now you're just tryng to get me angry. Ok, you know what? Forget it. I'm done with this! I'm done with this stupid poem...I'm done with that narrator...I'm done with talking like an 1800's englishman...but most of all, I'M SICK OF YOU! SO HOW ABOUT YOU JUST GET OFF OF THAT BUST OF SOME KID I DON'T RECOGNIZE, FLY OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW, AND LET ME SLEEP QUIETLY! ON TOP OF THAT, I WON'T GRAB MY CHICKEN FRY-INATOR AND BLAST YOU INTO MY DINNER!"

Quoth the Raven...

"Krrrrrr..."

"Fine. I even ask you to leave using the poem." He said calmy, yet angerly

"Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!-quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"

"There, I even did the stupid accent!"

Quoth the Raven...

"Krrrrrr..."

At this point, Doofenshmirtz is almost all out of patiend.

"Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy FORM OFF OF MY GOT DANG DOOR!"

The raven didn''t even growl. It just shooked its head and stuck its tongue out.

"THAT"S IT! YOU'RE DEAD!" He said before grabbing a lazer gun from his robe. "BEHOLD! The Chicken Fry-inator!"

The raven, however, moved immidiately after seeing the weapon. But he didn't move to leave. He swooped down to grab the gun from out of Doofensmhirtz's hands. It then tossed it up in the air, then landed on the doctor, which caused it to...

ZAP!

"GAAAAAHHHHHH!"

...leaving the doctor's entire body to become deep fried, burning his skin badly and leaving him in unimaginable pain.

"Curse you...you platypus shaped raven." He said before falling over and land hard onto the ground. And the raven...was free to sit back on the door.

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Phineas just above my apartment door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor...

"Personally, I'm more worried about my deep fried body lying ON my floor."

Shall be lifted-nevermore!

"Krrrrr..."