I am Sirius Black.

Strange, though, isn't it? Black. It has a bit of an evil ring to it. And Black is always bad, isn't it? The black knight. The black plague. Black means darkness. Black means death. Black means terrible things.

Which is what most people think of me.

Even now, when I look back on my life, the visions are clearer than ever. Hogwarts was the best time of my life. I remember the sorting…I remember the sense of nervousness in the air as we waited in line. I was first to be sorted. And I was thankful for it.

* * * * * *

The hat took a long time with me. It seemed hours, though I knew it couldn't have been more than two minutes. Finally, it had shouted "GRYFFINDOR!"

I was immensely relieved. I didn't pay much attention to the rest of the sorting.

A pale, quiet boy joined me at the Gryffindor table not much later. Following him was a shorter, slightly stouter boy who was talking loudly to a boy with glasses and messy hair.

The boy with glasses turned to me and smiled. He seemed awfully confident.

"Hello, I'm James Potter, nice to meet you." He said smiling, sticking out his hand for me to shake. I took it, thankful that I now had someone to converse with.

"I'm Sirius. Sirius Black."

"This is Peter." James said gesturing over his shoulder at the shorter boy. Peter gave a smile.

"Yep, that's me." He said, grinning.

"And you would be?" James asked the quiet boy across the table. The boy looked slightly startled.

"What? Oh, I'm Remus."

"I'm James. This is Peter, and this is Sirius, pleasure to meet you." He put out his hand again. Remus shook it slightly reluctantly.

James seemed to know exactly how to start conversations. I, on the other hand, was not as blessed with that gift. Peter liked to talk, I could tell that from the start. He would babble on and on, getting all of his words tied together, losing his train of thought, and we would laugh. Remus was quiet at first, only speaking when spoken to, but he soon became more comfortable.

We were known as the inseparable four.

Inseparable is a strong word.

* * * * * *

We knew there was something about Remus that none of us could quite place. Once a month, he had a family crisis, his mother was ill, a grandmother died, you name it. We were suspicious of this, but we didn't discover anything until the beginning of our second year.

"I have to visit my grandmother, she's quite ill." He told us one afternoon. "Just for a few days…"

"But last month your grandmother died, right?" James said, puzzled.

"What—oh, this is my other grandmother." Remus said, looking worried.

"Right."

We were all suspicious. But we said nothing.

I remember walking out on the grounds the next night with James. We had nothing in particular to do, but Peter was upstairs, still struggling over his Charms homework. So we just walked by the lake, being bored.

I remember James looking up at the full moon quizzically. "It's a full moon tonight." He said, staring up at it.

"Yeah." I said casually.

But something seemed to click for James.

"Strange, though, isn't it?"

"What?"

"Does it always seem to you that Remus is away on the full moon?"

"I don't know…maybe…why?"

"I noticed it a few months ago, and I've been keeping track. I didn't want to jump to conclusions yet, though." James gave me a sideways glance.

I gaped at him. "You don't mean—Remus? No!"

"Yes…I mean, I have been keeping track. And you remember when we did boggarts in Defense Against the Dark Arts?" James asked.

"Yeah…" I though hard. "It wasn't a crystal ball…it was a moon, wasn't it?"

"Bingo."

There was a pause. "Wow, I never would have thought," I began. "I don't believe he didn't tell us!"

James ran his fingers distractedly through hi hair. "We have to talk to him when he gets back."

We told Peter this theory, and his seemed just as surprised as I had been. We all vowed to get Remus to spill the beans.

Of course, as he usually did, when Remus returned, he looked pale and weary as ever. He had a long red scratch across his cheek that he had quite obviously tried to cover up.

"How did you do that?" Peter asked one afternoon up in our dormitory.

Remus touched his face. "What—oh—I, er, it was my cat. She scratched me." He looked up to see if we would accept this theory.

James sighed. "Remus, we need to talk."

What little color was in Remus's face left it. "About what?"

James sighed again and sat down on his bed. "Sit down."

He sank onto his bed, shaking slightly, staring at James.

James began to talk slowly to him, but I was becoming impatient; enraged that he hadn't trusted us before.

"Remus, we know what's up; don't think we're stupid!" I interrupted. "The boggart, you're always gone on the full moon, just put two and two together—you're a werewolf, aren't you? So you're going to tell us everything NOW!"

James and Peter looked angrily at me. I exhaled and sat down in a nearby chair. Remus's eyes were large and round.

"What—a werewolf? Me?" He tried.

"Don't start with you're lies again, we've already heard enough of them." I spat. I was infuriated that he had never told us.

Remus looked around the room hopelessly, and then his eyes hardened.

"So what's it to you? It's none of your business anyway! You were supposed to be my friends, and then you just come barging in here—intruding on my privacy—I don't see why you care in the first place."

"Of course it's our business, because we're your friends!" I said, my voice raising uncontrollably.

He stood up and headed for the door, but Peter was there first, blocking it. Remus stopped, slightly alarmed.

"Sit down, Remus." James said sternly.

Remus blinked, but finally gave in and sat back down on his bed.

We were all staring at him with hardened eyes.

"Why didn't you tell us?" asked James.

Remus swallowed and stared around again. "I wasn't supposed to…Dumbledore's orders, you know…he expected you to find out anyway…he just didn't want to cause a commotion." Remus's face sank into his hand. "It's been very difficult."

"I—" James's eyes were quizzical. It was the first time I had seen him at a loss for words.

"Remus, we don't care, really, we're just mad you didn't tell us sooner." I said. I, on the other hand, seemed to be on a roll.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," He said softly, looking up. "It's just—if you were in my position, you would know how hard it was, coming up with all those lame excuses."

Peter laughed slightly. "Yeah, they were pretty lame."

Even Remus smiled and looked at the floor.

I bit my lip. "Look, I'm sorry for yelling like that—I think I went a little overboard. But I am still amazed that you didn't trust us!"

He looked up. "Oh, but I did trust you—I knew you wouldn't tell anyone." He said earnestly.

James raised an eyebrow. "Well what was it then?"

Remus sighed. "I was just afraid you wouldn't trust me."

There was a moment's pause, and then:

"JAMES! SIRIUS! COME ON YOU GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR POTIONS!"

Someone was banging on the door. Peter opened it, surprised. Lily was standing outside the door. She peered in at us.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing." Said James, getting up. "We should probably get a move on, then."

Remus smiled at him and James winked.

Lily shrugged and we made our way down to potions.

* * * * * *

It was James who decided we should become animagi. We would be able to accompany Remus out on the grounds as animals. We thought he was brilliant. But it took us a lot of hard work, and the best of three years.

We were carried away with our own cleverness.

We were young and stupid.

Finally, in our fifth year, we managed it. Peter needed as much help as he could get from us. James and I were the smartest and cleverest ones in the year. If we couldn't do it, than no one could.

The day we became animagi, we celebrated until nightfall. We needed one small animal, to be able to prod the knot on the Whomping Willow, and two larger ones that would be able to keep a werewolf under control.

Peter was the small one. He became a rat.

I became a dog.

And James became a stag.

We were ecstatic. We were animagi.

That same week, we finished writing the Marauders' Map. It took us over a year to do it. We were up in our dormitory, just putting on the finishing touches.

"Yes, we're so close!" James had said happily. "Now, we probably shouldn't sign it with our real names, unless it falls into the wrong hands."

"How about nicknames…we can all transform, how about something about that?" I suggested.

"Yes…er, Peter's a rat, so—"

I grinned. "How about Wormtail?" We all laughed.

"Actually, that's pretty good." Peter said with a smile. "Ok, so let's see…Sirius is a dog so…"

"Padfoot?" Remus suggested.

"Makes sense to me." James said. I laughed.

"So, er, James, what can we do for you?" I said, pacing around him. "James the stag…hmm…Prongs?"

James grinned. "Sure, why not?"

"And Remus…" James cocked his head. "I'm thinking—"

"Moony." I smirked. Peter burst out laughing, causing us all to laugh. Remus blushed but smiled and agreed.

"Great," Said James, prodding the map with his wand. "Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs proudly present, the Marauders' Map!" There was a flash of purple light and a loud crack. We cheered—we were done.

Of course, there were several near misses. I will never forget the time I had told Snape, our foulest enemy who had been very interested in where Remus went every month, that all he had to do was prod the knot on the Whomping Willow. It was hilarious at the moment, but I knew that if James hadn't pulled him back at the last second, I would have felt terrible.

We led ourselves into all sorts of trouble. Mischief was our specialty—it was usually James who planned everything, but it was often I who carried out the pranks. Everything usually ran smoothly—even though we were caught a fair few times, we laughed about it later.

"You know, with pranks like that, you're going to find yourself locked up in Azkaban one day!" Peter had said one morning as I ran a new idea over him, laughing.

I grinned. "Don't be so thick, I would rather die than go to Azkaban."

I'm not laughing now.

* * * * * *

James married Lily later on. They had a splendid wedding, and James made me his best man. He had asked me to make a toast.

"James," I began, laughing. "we have been through a lot together at Hogwarts, including multiple detentions—" There was laughter from the guests, "and random senseless pranks that only we could have dreamed up. And Lily, I know that you were the only sensible one among us—the only one that saw how stupid we had acted." More laughter. "I know that you will always be the ones that I knew at Hogwarts, and I hope you never change. And so, Prongs, I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you and Lily will have long and successful lives together!"

James and Lily had laughed and there was much applause. At the end of the wedding, they were about to set off for their honeymoon in Sweden. Lily approached me.

"Sirius, thank you so much, I do hope to see you again soon!" She said.

I laughed. "Of course."

Lily kissed me on the cheek and I smiled.

"You'll never change." She laughed.

"Padfoot?"

I turned to James, who was grinning, leaning against the doorway. "I do hope you're not planning on stealing my wife."

I grinned and we hugged each other and shook hands. "Not any time soon."

He winked at me. "Get your own."

I laughed.

"I'll see you in a few weeks, then." He said.

"Right."

I remember Lily waving to me from the back window of their limousine, which had been magicked to be twice as long as a muggle one.

If only I had known then.

* * * * * *

Of course, I went and visited as soon as I found out that Harry was born. He looked exactly like James, except he had Lily's eyes. I could tell that in an instant. Large, green, exactly the same shape. I was astonished when they named me his godfather.

"Me?"

"Of course." James said. "Who else?"

"I…wow, er, thank you." I said, delight filling my every vein. I was deeply honored to know that they trusted me so much.

Lily smiled. "You know, we're going to hold you to that—remember, if anything happens to us, it's your job to look after Harry."

"With pleasure." I grinned at Harry, who yawned and turned over in his crib.

Within a month I was back at the Potters' house, but this time on less pleasant business.

I knocked carefully on the door. James answered it, looking very pale.

"Come in, Sirius." He didn't have his usual spirit about him.

Lily sat in a nearby chair, holding rocking Harry. She looked up when I came in.

"Hello, Sirius." She said soberly.

I nodded. James sat down and poured me some tea.

"You know Voldemort is after us. You will be our secret keeper, won't you?" James asked, looking into my eyes.

I stared at him. "James, you know I would gladly step in front of traffic for you, Lily and Harry."

Lily looked at me sadly.

"But the point is," I pressed on, "I cannot be your secret keeper."

Lily gasped. "But Sirius—we need you!"

James stared at me. "Why?"

I sighed. "Everyone knows how close we are—they would suspect me first. It would be too much of a giveaway. They would be on me at once—I know they would somehow force it out of me, even though I would much rather die than ever tell. And I don't think I could ever live with that. It would be safer for you to use someone he would never suspect."

James gaped at me. "But…Sirius, wouldn't it be best if you just went into hiding—they would never suspect—"

"James, this is a very difficult decision and I think it would be best for you to use someone else. They would still go straight to me, but I would not be able to tell them anything." I interrupted.

James's eyes hardened. "Of course. I understand completely." He said in an expressionless voice. I looked at him with pleading eyes, but he simply blinked.

Lily's eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Sirius," she began.

I shook my head. "Trust me. You really shouldn't use me—for your own safety."

"Who, then?" Lily asked, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.

"How about Remus?" James suggested, in the same tone.

"No," I began, "I have reason to believe he may be the spy."

Lily looked startled. "Remus? Never!"

I nodded at her. "He hasn't been returning my owls, and I haven't seen him in a long time…he may very well be."

"Who do you suggest?" asked Lily.

"I was thinking about Peter. Voldemort would be sure never to suspect you would use someone like him." I said seriously.

I suddenly became aware that James wasn't looking at me, but at the wall over my shoulder.

"All right. I understand." He said in the same, dreadful tone of voice. We stood up and they showed me to the door.

I kissed Lily on the cheek and turned to James, still staring at me as though six inches of glass were between us.

"James, I'm sorry, please don't make this any more difficult." I said imploringly. "I know we'll be laughing about this later…we always see everything through to the end." I suddenly felt a stinging sensation in the corners of my eyes. Stop it, Sirius.

He finally looked at me as though I were another person. His eyes softened. "Oh, Sirius, if you think it would be best to use Peter, then we will use him. I trust you more than anyone. Just send him over here tomorrow so we can perform the spell."

I smiled slightly and we embraced roughly for a moment.

"Good luck," I said. I ruffled Harry's hair, nodded to Lily, and took off on my bike.

You will regret that, Sirius.

* * * * * *

Definitely the saddest, creepiest, and most depressing part. Er…Sirius doesn't really go nuts in Azkaban, but hey, he needs something to keep himself occupied. Short…but good.

I arranged to check on Peter one night at his hiding place, to make sure he was safe. It was a bitterly cold night, but when I arrived there, he was nowhere to be found. I felt my blood turn to ice. Something wasn't right. There was no sign of a struggle.

Something was out of place.

Something was very wrong.

Immediately, I set off for Lily and James's house. I knew what had happened. But I didn't want to believe it.

Soaring over their house, I nearly fell of my bike. It was completely destroyed. I landed hard on the ground, my hands shaking on the handlebars. I ran into the ruins, breathing hard, until I saw something that made my heart shatter and my knees buckle.

There was Lily and James, lying on the ground, eyes half open, a faint look of surprise on their faces. I fell to my knees beside them.

"Oh God, Oh God no," I muttered to myself as I felt hopelessly for a pulse on either of them. But I knew I didn't need to. I could feel my eyes and throat burning but I choked it back. I suddenly became aware that I was very cold. The world was spinning in a sea of confusion and darkness as I knelt there, disbelieving.

I suddenly heard the sound of a baby crying. I stared around and saw Harry lying there, among the ruins, a cut across his forehead. I nearly fell over. How could he have survived? I picked him up and wiped the blood off his forehead with my sleeve, pondering this. Oh, Harry, what has your life become?

I heard someone moving behind me, and a shadow fell across where I knelt. I looked up and saw Hagrid standing there, a large handkerchief held to his face. He wiped his eyes and looked at me.

"'Lo, Sirius," He blew his nose loudly. "How're yeh doin'?"

I looked up at him, feeling the color drain from me. "Hello Hagrid." I said in an expressionless voice.

"I come teh collect Harry…" He said quietly.

I looked up at him. "Let me take him. I'm his godfather—I'll take care of him."

Hagrid stared at me sadly. "I know yeh would, but I got special orders from Dumbledore." He sniffed. "He's got teh go live with his aunt an' uncle."

I stared at the ground. I thought about protesting, but I knew that Dumbledore knew what was best for him. I ran a hand through Harry's hair and lifted him up toward Hagrid. I stood up but my knees didn't seem to want to support my weight.

Hagrid sniffed again. "Yeh…yeh gonna be all righ'?"

This was the final straw. As though a dam had broken within me, I burst into tears, unable to confine them any longer. I turned my back toward Hagrid, struggling to regain control of myself. I clutched a shaking hand to my face, trying desperately to stop, but I continued to sob for what seemed like hours. Control yourself, Sirius. Get a grip on yourself.

James, I am so sorry.

Hagrid placed a hand on my shoulder and I felt as though I would collapse. I stared up at Hagrid, my eyes filled with tears that blurred my vision horribly.

Hagrid gave me a bone-crushing hug and I felt as though my back would break. Harry in one arm, he turned.

"I have teh go now, Sirius." He said, giving me a tragic look. "Dumbledore's expectin' me."

I shuddered in the cold and stared at the ground, tears freezing on my face as I wiped them hurriedly away with my sleeve. Stop this now, Sirius, it won't do any good.

"Hagrid," I said, looking up at him, still blinking back tears. "take my bike. I won't need it anymore."

Hagrid's eyes widened. "Yeh sure?"

I nodded, shutting my eyes in pain. "Good luck to you." I said.

I turned and began to walk down the street, my hands in my pockets.

God, Sirius, what have you done?

* * * * * *

The fact never really hit me until I was about halfway down the street. Peter. The filthy turncoat. He betrayed them. I never would have dreamed that Voldemort would use something as weak and talentless as him! My muscles seized up in anger. I was going to find Peter. Right now.

I was going to kill him.

It hadn't even been two hours before I came across him. Right in the middle of a muggle street. He looked up at me, a flash of terror in his eyes but also a disgusting sense of pride. It made me sick. The vile traitor.

"Sirius," He said quite calmly. "I thought I might come across you soon."

I was shaking with anger. "How could you?" I whispered. Despite my best attempts, my eyes stung again. Here we go again, Sirius.

Peter smirked at me but didn't reply.

I raised my voice slightly, though it cracked inadvertently. "How could you betray Lily and James?"

Peter was still smiling. I felt like retching. Suddenly he began heaving huge, fake sobs. "Sirius…how could you…betray Lily and James?" He yelled.

There were muggles everywhere. I stood there, frozen, unable to make sense of this.

"You traitor! NO Sirius, DON'T!" He yelled, still pretending to sob.

I realized what he was about to do a second before he did it. I went for my wand, but Peter was quicker and blew up the street from behind his back. He transformed, but left his finger behind.

Clever, really, for a man so very stupid.

He killed several muggles in the process. I stood, completely bewildered at the scene. The next hour or so was vague…I didn't know what was going on. The muggles who were watching testified. They only heard Peter yelling that I was a traitor. It is a curse that I hadn't been able to yell.

It is a curse that Peter is such a good actor.

It is a curse that James and I were so close.

But I suppose it would not have mattered. I had told James and Lily that it would be best not to tell Dumbledore about the switch. This way it would be kept secret.

Just between Peter and I.

Good thinking, Sirius.

From there all I know is that within hours I was locked in a small room with a bed, Dumbledore standing over me.

I was shaking. I couldn't breathe.

Dumbledore looked into my eyes, his eyes full of sorrow. "Oh Sirius," he said, "why?"

He seemed to radiate a tremendous sense of power that made me break down. Tears were running down my face again. But this time I didn't care.

I looked up at him. "Dumbledore," I began slowly, struggling to keep my voice steady, "You don't believe I would…Peter, it was him…"

"Peter Pettigrew is dead." Said Dumbledore solemnly.

"But no, he—" But I stopped myself. Dumbledore didn't know Peter was an animagus. It was no use.

"Lily and James's funeral will be held the three days after tomorrow. As will Peter's." Dumbledore said, his voice shaking slightly.

I looked pleadingly up at him. "Please let me go to Lily and James's…might I?"

Dumbledore's eyes flashed. "It would not be a good idea. You are accused of betraying them, and murdering Peter as well as several muggles."

"I—" I couldn't say it.

"Goodbye, Sirius." With one swift movement he had crossed the room. He turned to me before leaving. "I hope you pay dearly for what you have done."

The door shut and locked. I ran up to it, pounding as hard as I could.

"PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN!!" I yelled, feeling my legs seize up. I fell back onto the cot, unable to make sense of my thoughts.

Sirius, how could you?

I was informed the next day that I would not get a trial. I would be sent straight to Azkaban. It was on orders of Barty Crouch.

I wished him nothing but ill.

As I sat there the final night before I would be sent to Azkaban, something I had said as a boy came floating back to me.

We had laughed.

I'm not laughing now.

I contemplated suicide that night. I wrapped my belt around my neck and thought how easy it would be to end it all now. A life in Azkaban was not much of a life.

No, Sirius, you never did take the easy way out.

I wondered which would be more cowardly—committing suicide or being too afraid to do it.

It didn't matter.

Don't do it, Sirius.

Why not? Why not end all the suffering and pain right now?

You need to survive. You need to kill Peter. You need to make him pay.

Of course, but how will I make him pay while I am locked up in Azkaban?

Things will work out. They often have.

I put the belt down, shocked at my own thoughts; shocked that I even considered it.

* * * * * *

Horror. Death. Pain. These were some of the words that came into my mind as I was led into Azkaban.

I wasn't crying.

My anguish was beyond that.

They threw me in a dim cell. I stood, my back to the bars, unmoving. The door closed.

The Dementors were the guards now.

Too many to count.

Too many to count.

Too difficult to do.

Yes, I think I will.

* * * * * *

Everyone says that time passes slower when you are waiting for something.

I have heard that theory. I believed it.

But how can time pass slower when all the days and months blend together like red and yellow paint, making your life a sea of swirling orange and you don't know what you're waiting for?

How can twelve years in Azkaban seem, simultaneously, an eternity and no time at all?

I don't know.

Nighttime. Sleeping, dreaming, hearing screaming.

They scream at night.

It looks like rain.

Always rain.

God, it's raining again.

I remember only the bitter words James and I have exchanged during our meeting when I asked him to use Peter. He was angry with me. But still,

My memories haunted me in my dreams. There came a time where I couldn't go a single night without waking up screaming.

Always the same dream.

Always the same regrets.

I deserve this. I deserve the pain. I deserve the horror.

No, Sirius, you're innocent.

It's my fault. I made them use Peter.

No, Sirius, Peter deserves this.

Why can't I be dead?

No, it's not your fault.

Take me—please take my life.

Stop it, Sirius, you're scaring me.

Tears stinging in my eyes again. God, Sirius you are such a loser.

It's ok.

No, it isn't.

You're scared, Sirius.

Of what?

Of being innocent.

I don't understand.

You didn't do this. It was Peter. Trust yourself.

I made the change.

You couldn't have known.

I should have listened.

It was a smart idea at the time.

No.

You're innocent, Sirius.

No.

Don't forget that.

Innocent.

Peter is guilty.

It wasn't me.

You did what you thought was best.

Yes. I'm sorry.

Good luck, Sirius.

Thank you James.

* * * * * *

Twelve years. Twelve long years locked up in a dirty cell. It's not much of a life.

But I was sane.

At least, more than the others.

I touched my hair, amused.

I needed a haircut.

I laughed.

It had been a long time.

It's a dark and dirty dungeon, Sirius.

Yes, indeed.

You should get yourself a maid.

I laughed again.

I was in a good mood that day.

That didn't last long.

The Dementors heard my laughter. They became excited. They gathered around me—I could feel every good thought being pulled out of my soul.

Visions of Lily and James's bodies lying in the ruins of their house swirled in my mind and flashed before my eyes until I could hardly bear it and blacked out on my bed.

I never liked Dementors.

I'm innocent. It wasn't me.

That's right.

I was an innocent man, locked in this ceaseless nightmare of a reality that kept me distant from all civilization.

Innocent, and yet guilty.

Tap tap tap. It's raining again.

Always raining.

It's leaking through the ceiling.

Watching the drops fall in the corner- tap tap. One by one. Every drop is another second of life wasted in this filthy place.

Let's see if I can count ten thousand drops before it stops raining.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Four more drops of life gone.

Five……

The rhythm broke for a moment. It bothered me slightly.

……Six.

Seven.

There we go.

Will I die when it stops raining?

I bolted up. I recognized that voice, even after twelve years. I couldn't be quite sure. The voice got louder as I heard footsteps echoing down my corridor. If it was late or early I did not know.

Fudge. Yes of course. Who else would it be?

He's on inspection duty. Footsteps echoed closer.

Tap tap. It's still raining.

There were two men. One I didn't recognize. Fudge was talking loudly to him. He gave a hearty laugh but it stopped. I assumed a dementor had approached him.

I approached the bars of my cell. I stared at Fudge's retreating back. Fudge seemed to sense that someone was staring at him. It's a strange sensation that I have mastered here- the sense that someone's stare is burning holes into the back of your head.

Fudge turned slowly toward me. He approached me curiously, tempted to see whether or not I was insane like the rest of the prisoners.

Not yet, Fudge.

Not ever, Fudge.

"Sirius?" He whispered, peering at me quizzically. He looked into my eyes with an expression that said plainly, "How could such a good lad have gone so badly astray?"

I nodded, resting an elbow on a bar.

He surveyed me and blinked. He shook his head.

"You've been here a long time, have you not?"

"Yes, I suppose so."

I took his word for it.

The days were all orange paint to me. Swirling orange paint.

"Hmm…" He seemed astounded at how normal I seemed.

I caught a glance of the Daily Prophet that was rolled up in his pocket. I suddenly felt a need for it; I needed to know what was going on in the outside world.

"Are you finished with the Daily Prophet, Minister? I really do miss doing the crossword." I said calmly.

Fudge's eyes were filled with bewilderment.

"Yes." He said slowly, passing it through the bars to me.

I accepted it gratefully.

"Thank you kindly, Minister."

"Keep yourself occupied."

I do not know when he left…I was too absorbed in the paper.

The date was July 31^st, 1993.

Twelve years.

Twelve long years.

Twelve years of innocence, when all thought you guilty.

I blinked painfully.

But something else triggered my memory about that date.

Of course, how could I have forgotten?

It was Harry's birthday.

A smile flickered across my face. He must be…how old?

Thirteen.

Amazing.

I sighed and began to flip through the paper. But something on the cover caught my eye.

I did I slight double take.

There was a picture of a large family…the Weasleys, it said.

I didn't bother to read the article.

There was something in the picture that caught my interest. There was a boy who couldn't have been more than thirteen or fourteen, smiling in the picture with his pet rat on his shoulder.

His rat had a toe missing.

I knew it at once. How many times had I seen him transform?

It was Peter. I didn't need to look twice.

So that is where the evil traitor had been hiding all these years. In the hands of an innocent boy.

If only I knew where he was.

But read the article, Sirius.

My eyes caught and held the one line that would change my life forever.

Hogwarts.

He's at Hogwarts.

That's right, Sirius.

There was a flame inside my mind now.

I knew what I had to do.

And nothing was going to stop me.

Nothing will stand in your way, Sirius.

Never.

Muttering in my sleep. The flame never went out.

He's at Hogwarts.

He's at Hogwarts.

And that's where I needed to be.

Dementors are blind.

That's a good thing.

I was very thin.

That's a good thing too.

I had stopped eating for a few days. I needed to be thinner to slip between the bars of the outside gate.

It didn't take me long.

It was late.

Or so I thought.

I slipped out quietly when the dementors opened the door to bring me food.

They cannot sense animal emotions as well.

That is also a good thing.

Raining.

Always raining.

Creeping, ever careful, stop Sirius, hold it. Turn, wait, breathless…silence.

They opened the door.

I swept out past them.

I was at the edge of the island.

It was a blessing that it was summer.

I jumped in the water. Dogs are good swimmers.

That was a blessing too.

Swimming…hours, almost drowning. I was weak from not eating. It had worked both for and against me.

But I made it to land.

You've done it, Sirius.

Yes.

I knew you would.

There was only forest ahead of me, and a single road. I blinked.

What else to do?

I started down it.

I was no longer Sirius. I was Padfoot.

* * * * * *

I found a good hideout…an old abandoned barn. I had been traveling for miles. My legs ached. I was so relieved to turn back into a man.

I sat in the corner of the barn upon some old hay and pulled out the newspaper again. I stared at Peter with a sick sort of hunger in my chest.

The coward.

Always running.

Always hiding.

He can't hide from me long.

You can do whatever you set your mind to, Sirius.

I grinned. Whatever it takes.

I traveled north for months. I knew that the Ministry was after me.

But I was quicker. I was smarter.

I made my way into civilization as a dog. I had regained some of my old strength. I was a new person.

I knew that Harry was around this area. I did hope to catch a glimpse of him before heading north.

It was late. I was in a dark alley. I don't know how I came across him, but somehow I did.

God, James, he looks just like you.

He was alone, sitting on the curb, a trunk and an owl at his side. I wondered why. I crept closer to get a better look.

I have always had that strange talent of getting people to notice when I stare at them. He shivered, and turned toward me.

I am sure I must have frightened him. He jumped, tripped on his trunk, and fell backward into the street. He was nearly hit by the Knight Bus.

I felt slightly bad, but I continued on.

I couldn't afford to stop.

Time was precious now.

No longer orange paint.

Oh, it's raining again, Sirius.

Tap tap.

My journeys were difficult, but I couldn't have cared less. I had made it up to Hogwarts before Halloween. I was hiding out in the Forbidden Forest as a dog.

It would have been frightening.

If I had not already experienced much worse.

Darkness…hiding…watching…

Crack.

Turning, looking.

Just a branch, Sirius.

No, there it is again.

Two glowing eyes.

A stupid cat.

It neared me. My dog instincts flashed and threatened to overpower me, but I kept in control.

Don't kill the cat. Cats are cats, Sirius.

It kept moving toward me. I was astounded.

I'm a dog, can you not see that, stupid cat?

The cat cocked it's head at me, as though seeing me plainly; as though looking beyond my disguise.

It's gaze said quite frankly: You're not a dog.

The cat was smarter than any of it's kind I had ever met. It roamed about the grounds with me, and I managed to communicate to him what I was after, without using words.

I was after Peter.

We shared an interesting type of telepathy…not the kind where you can read each other's minds, but more along the lines of reading each other's emotions and working it out from there. Quite the brilliant cat.

I tried to get into the tower without help at first. Trying never hurt anyone. I knew exactly where it was located. I had spent seven years of my life in it. I transformed back into a man when I reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. I smiled slightly to myself. She was here in my time.

"Let me in." I demanded as I got there. "I used to be in Gryffindor…let me in."

She peered at me. "No, I'm sorry, but not without the password."

I was astonished at the anger that I felt at that. My hands balled into fists.

"Let me in." I said more steadily, trying to keep my voice calm.

"Really, now, I thought I made myself clear, if you don't know the password—"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, LET ME IN!" I exploded with rage that I didn't know I had inside me. I wasn't thinking straight—all I knew was I had pulled a sharp rock I had knife up from the city for use as protection out of my pocket and began hacking at the portrait. The Fat Lady screamed…I heard people running down the halls…footsteps…voices…It was no use.

I transformed back into a dog and ran for my life.

Luckily, I made it out to the grounds before anyone noticed me.

It was a close one.

I sat out in the top rows of the stands a few times watching the quidditch matches. James was always the one among us with the quidditch talent…not me. I flew fairly well, but I never could master the ability of doing two things at once. Peter didn't even know which way to hold a broomstick, and Remus was like me…we never really had the talent. We all would laugh as James would show off on his broom.

Now it's raining, Sirius.

Oh God, it's raining.

Tap tap…count the drops, Sirius.

Harry flies well, just like his father, I thought to myself as I watched a match. It was pouring out…a total thunderstorm. I wondered how he managed to see.

The match was getting very interesting when suddenly, to my utmost horror, I saw…must have been 100…dementors gliding out onto the field. The terror they radiated together was more powerful than anything I could have dreamed of.

At first, I didn't think they would affect me as much, since I was still in the form of a dog, but there were so many of them…

My head swirled…my legs ached…hundreds of invisible knives pounding down on me as I struggled to keep my eyes in focus.

I looked down at the quidditch field…the dementors were nearly all gone…I looked down as I regained my balance and saw my godson, lying on the ground, unconscious, people gathered around him.

Had he fallen? What had happened? How did the dementors affect him?

He probably sees his parents die, Sirius. He probably sees Voldemort killing them. I shuddered. There were horrors in his life that I have never seen.

I looked up into the storm and saw his broom being blown away…away from the pitch. I saw it soar for a while, and land in the last place that anyone or anything would want to be.

The Whomping Willow.

I winced as the willow thrashed it's great branches and tore the broom apart, spitting in back out onto the grass.

That couldn't be good.

Christmas was approaching.

I had pieced together the months from old newspapers I had picked up. Christmas was in the air all around Hogwarts…and I had an idea.

I managed to get the cat to take an order to the owl office for me. I had a good sum of money in my Gringotts vault, and I felt terrible about Harry's broom being destroyed. I put in an order for a Firebolt, to be delivered on Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Harry, from your godfather.

The cat did all sorts of favors for me. It even tried to bring me Peter at one time, but couldn't manage it. One day, he stole the passwords to Gryffindor tower for me off a boy's bedside table.

Faithful cat.

He belonged to a third year girl. And the girl's friend had Peter.

It was very late at night…most of the students and staff and gone to bed. I entered the castle again as a dog and crept quietly up toward Gryffindor tower, the list of passwords clutched in my hand.

I approached the portrait, this time not of the Fat Lady, but of Sir Cadogan, and transformed back. A quick smile flashed across my face. I remembered him. I remembered when James and I used to make fun of him…get him all excited and make him think he was ready to duel us. I blinked and looked up at Sir Cadogan, who had his sword raised.

"Ar…who dares trespass upon thar land? Stand up and fight, mate, I challenge thee to a duel!"

I would have laughed, if I had not had other things on my mind.

I peered down at the list.

"Er…Oppengrippen."

"Entrance denied, scurvy mate!"

"Hekkilshipple. Er…Quiggle Orbleton. God, what's with the complicated passwords? Oh for heaven's sake, just take it and see if you see one that's right." I exclaimed, starting to become annoyed.

I held up the passwords to Sir Cadogan and he glanced at them.

"You seem to have the whole week's list, mate." He shrugged. "Access granted." He said grinning oddly. I shrugged as he swung open and I climbed noiselessly through the portrait hole.

The common room fire was still dimly alight. I felt a pang of nostalgia as I crossed the room, glancing over the empty chairs.

You were sitting there once, Sirius. You were oblivious to the horror your life would become.

I averted my eyes and began to climb silently up the stairs. I cracked open the door and slipped in without a sound.

Which bed, Sirius? I saw a small bottle of rat tonic on one boy's bedside table. That was the one.

I approached the bed. Quietly…don't wake anyone…just grab the rat and run.

I took careful hold of the side of the curtains on the boy's bed. I pulled, but they were caught.

Just what you need, Sirius.

I drew out my knife and slowly began to cut down the side of the curtain.

Carefully, now.

I looked down at the boy, asleep in his bed, and all around for Peter. But the boy turned over and opened his eyes.

Oh, God, now look what you've done!

The boy screamed. I stared at him for a moment, bewildered, as the other boys in the room began to wake up. I heard voices. There was nothing else I could do.

I ran.

I had now let everyone know that I was near Hogwarts…twice, with no success. Way to go, Sirius.

It was a blessing that I had escaped.

It was yet another very near miss.

You need to be more careful, Sirius, or you'll get yourself caught. You know what they will do to you.

I shuddered. The very thought of having my soul sucked out through my mouth was unnerving.

But it was a risk I was willing to take.

Watching…waiting…darkness…the cat could smell Peter…he was helping me…

I had always had the premonition that cats could see through invisibility cloaks. But I never knew for sure.

Go, cat, get Peter. You smell him. You see him.

The cat crept closer…I heard a terrified squeaking and hushed voices.

The rat that was Peter slipped out of the boy's grasp and he went running. It was a very strange feeling, watching someone come out of an invisibility cloak…seeming as though they materialized out of nowhere.

Two other people were running full out after him now. One was a girl I did not recognize. The other was Harry.

Was that the same invisibility cloak James and I used to wear?

I didn't have time to think. The boy had snatched up the rat and threw the cat to the side. I broke into a run. Faster, faster, you must get him. Dog instincts.

I knocked Harry down on my way to Peter. But that was the last thing I had on my mind.

I grabbed the boy's arm with my teeth and dragged him toward the Whomping Willow. Come on, the Shrieking Shack looks like a good place.

I pulled him into the hole but his leg caught around a root. I heard the sickening snap of bone as his leg broke that made my stomach lurch but I wasn't about to stop.

Down further into the dark passageway…up the stairs, down the stairs, up the stairs…further, don't stop…now.

I dropped the boy in a corner of the room. I turned back into a man and snatched up the boy's wand. Within seconds Harry, the cat, and the girl were in the room.

"He's an animagus…" the boy muttered to them. I shut the door with a snap. They hadn't noticed I was in the room.

Expelliarmus. Catch catch. I had all the wands now.

"I thought you'd come and help your friend. Your father would have done the same for me. Brave of you, not to run for a teacher. I'm grateful…it will make everything much easier."

If Harry was anything like James he would not have given it a second thought about running after his friend.

Harry stared at me, a deep hate in his eyes. I felt a painful flash through my mind at that look. It was much like the one Dumbledore had given me before I had been sentenced to Azkaban.

He started forward but his friends grabbed him back. He was an awful lot like James, then.

The boy I had dragged up the stairs spoke to me. "If you want to kill Harry, you will have to kill all three of us!"

I blinked slowly, my heart wrenching. Kill Harry? Was this what they thought this was about?

This situation seemed an awful lot like my childhood. We had that bond…we will each risk our lives for the other.

And there were only three of us involved in that, too.

It's raining again, Sirius.

"Lie down. You will damage that leg even more." I was amazed at the sound of my own voice. I was so used to just hearing my own inner monologue.

But the boy was persistent.

There will only be one murder here tonight.

I smiled. I didn't realize I had said that aloud.

Harry fought against his friends. "Why's that? Didn't care last time, did you? Didn't mind slaughtering all those muggles to get at Pettigrew? What's the matter, gone soft in Azkaban?"

This was the last thing I had expected him to say. I simply stared at him.

"HE KILLED MY MUM AND DAD!"

I felt another guilty pang in my heart. It wasn't his fault—he was blinded by the lies that had condemned me. But suddenly Harry had lunged at me…what was he doing? Trying to kill me?

He had grabbed my wand hand first, forcing them away…I missed burning his face by inches…soon everyone was fighting…his fist smashed into the side of my head as we fell backward into the wall.

I didn't find the situation amusing at the time…but in a way, I suppose it was. There I was, a dark bruise rising on my cheek, sitting against the wall, and Harry stood there, pointing his wand at my heart.

Going to kill me, Harry? I didn't mean to say that out loud, either.

"You killed my parents."

I stared at him and tried to speak slowly.

"I don't deny it. But if you knew the whole story." My eyes stung. God, stop it, it's raining harder, Sirius.

Harry started speaking angrily to me about how I had sold them to Voldemort. I sat there listening abstractedly, trying to convince him to listen to the whole story. It's all orange paint from here, Sirius.

The cat leapt onto my chest and dug his claws into my robes. Get off, cat, don't put yourself in danger.

The cat stayed.

Harry glared at me. I could tell how much he wanted to kill me. But I knew he wouldn't.

He takes after James.

Footsteps…oh God, someone's coming…

No…don't take me to the dementors…

I was astonished at who opened the door.

It was Remus.

I hadn't seen him in so long…yet he was instantly recognizable.

He disarmed everyone in the room and stared at me.

"Where is he, Sirius?"

I knew he meant Peter. I looked into his eyes, trying to see if I could tell what he was thinking. But it was always difficult to do on Remus. He hid them very well. Nevertheless, I raised a hand slowly and pointed at the boy with the rat.

Remus was still staring at me. It was my curse that my thoughts were always so visible through my eyes. Azkaban had hollowed them even more.

"…unless you switched? Without telling me?"

That's right, Remus.

He lowered his wand, staring at me, perplexed. He took a step toward me and held out his hand.

I took it.

He pulled me off the ground and Crookshanks fell to the floor. We embraced harshly for a moment. I was welcomed back into the fold. We were brothers again.

Remus is not blind.

Has the rain stopped?

The girl screamed and started pointing wildly at Remus. She started yelling accusations about how Remus had been helping me into the castle. And then she voiced the last thing I had expected.

Well, no kidding, I thought to myself. Remus looked, as he always did, calm and composed. He launched into an explanation to which I didn't pay much attention to. I was still staring at Peter. But it jolted me to my senses when Harry pointed at me, yelling,

"YOU'VE BEEN HELPING HIM ALL THE TIME!"

God, I couldn't take any more of these accusations…I crossed to the four-poster that was in the corner of the room and sat on it…I didn't think my legs would support me any longer. Visions of dementors lowering their hoods kept flashing across my mind.

The corners of my eyes burned. Calm down, Sirius. I put my face in my hand and took a deep breath. They won't catch you. Remus knows the truth. But the visions continued to haunt me.

You're innocent, Sirius.

Remus continued to explain how he had been examining the marauders map.

The making of that map was one of my most treasured moments.

But I wasn't listening.

It was all swirling orange paint.

I was jerked to my senses. I looked up.

"That's not a rat."

"What do you mean—of course he's a rat—"

"No, he's not." Said Remus quietly. "He's a wizard."

I was listening now.

"An Animagus." I said. "By the name of Peter Pettigrew."

I nearly lost it a few times and tried to launch myself toward Peter, but Remus kept holding me back. We've got to explain, he said.

Explain?

You owe Harry the truth, Sirius.

I sighed. He was right, I supposed. But I knew what I wanted to do.

Kill now.

Talk later.

There were witnesses that saw Pettigrew die, Harry had said.

They didn't see what they thought they saw.

Too much talk. Hurry up, Remus.

Remus kept talking. I was listening, but glaring at the rat all the same.

"…Snape's been right about me all along."

I tore my eyes from Peter for a quick second.

Not too long, Sirius.

Snape? What's Snape got to do with it?

"He's here, Sirius. He's teaching here as well."

"That's right…" Said a cold voice from the door.

I leapt to my feet. Snape had just taken off the invisibility cloak. He was pointing his wand at Remus.

"…you know, Lupin…a tame werewolf—"

"Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent man back inside Azkaban?"

Innocent man.

My heart leapt. Oh, God, it's almost stopped raining.

BANG

Remus fell to the floor, bound and gagged.

YOU—

I stopped dead. He pointed his wand straight between my eyes.

Tap tap tap.

"Give me a reason to do it and I swear I will." Snape breathed, glaring at me.

I looked him straight in the eyes.

Who did I hate more? Peter or him?

At that moment I wasn't sure.

As long as this boy takes his rat up to the castle, I'll come quietly.

"We won't need to go that far. All I have to do is call the dementors once we get out of Azkaban. They'll be very pleased to see you, Black…pleased enough to give you a little kiss, I daresay."

He spat the word Black as though it were snake venom.

I flinched, feeling myself growing paler. Eyes falling out of focus…

The rat…look at the rat…

But Snape was beyond reason.

You are blinded, Snape. You have always been blinded.

All three of the kids put up their wands and disarmed him at the same spilt second.

Snape flew backward into the wall and landed, blood oozing from under his hair.

You shouldn't have done that.

You should have left him to me.

They should have. But if they didn't, that was okay with me.

I wasn't one to complain.

I caught a glimpse of Remus struggling on the floor. I bent down quickly and untied him.

"I'm still not saying I believe you." Harry said quietly.

"Then it's time we offered you some proof."

"…there are millions of rats, how's he supposed to know which one he's after if he was locked up in Azkaban?" Ron had asked.

I pulled out the newspaper clipping I had been saving since Fudge came to inspect Azkaban. I went into an explanation of how Peter had cut off his finger.

Remus was as impressed with Peter's cleverness as I had been.

But Harry was still a skeptic.

He is an awful lot like James.

"…why did he fake his death? Because he knew you were about to kill him like you killed my parents!" He cried furiously.

A deep painful regret burned in my chest.

No, Harry, I would never.

"…it was the other was around, don't you see? Peter betrayed your mother and father—Sirius tracked Peter down."

"…HE WAS THEIR SECRET KEEPER! HE SAID SO BEOFRE YOU TURNED UP! HE SAID HE KILLED THEM!"

Oh God, what to say to that?

I swallowed.

"Harry…I as good as killed them…I persuaded Lily and James to change to Peter at the last moment, persuaded them to use him as secret keeper instead of me…"

I pushed my hair out of my eyes.

"I'm to blame. I know it…The night they died, I'd arranged to check on Peter, make sure he was still safe, but when I arrived at his hiding place he'd gone. Yet there was no sign of a struggle."

The visions flashed horribly before my eyes.

"It didn't feel right. I was scared. I set out for your parents' house straight away. And when I saw their house, destroyed, and their bodies…I realized what Peter must have done…What I'd done…"

I felt my voice break as my throat burned. I turned toward the wall, my eyes filling slowly with tears. I put a hand to my face. I didn't mean to kill them, Harry.

You're innocent Sirius.

I don't feel innocent.

* * * * * *

Remus and I both drew wands and turned Peter the rat back into Peter the wizard.

Or was it Peter the rat into Peter the rat?

He pleaded with Remus for several minutes—begging him to believe him; begging him to believe that I was after him and I was the guilty one.

Peter sat there for a while trying to convince the room that I was a spy for Voldemort.

"…don't know what you mean, Sirius…"

I blew up at him, every word I had wanted to say to him for twelve years came pouring out of my mouth at once.

Peter sat there shaking…staring hopelessly around the room.

There's no way out now, Peter.

"Er—Mr. Black—Sirius?"

The quiet girl in the corner they called Hermione suddenly spoke up, and her politeness stunned me. I flinched slightly and stared at her.

She asked me how I had escaped from Azkaban if I didn't use Dark Magic, very carefully.

I blinked. Why, there are ways.

I wondered how best to phrase my answer.

I launched into a careful explanation of how I had done it—how I had seen Peter in the newspaper—how I recognized him at once—how I hid out at Hogwarts.

"…You fly as well as your father did, Harry."

Harry stared at me, as though wondering what to do and whom to believe.

"…Believe me, Harry." I began, and I was astonished at the note of urgency in my own voice. "I never betrayed James and Lily. I would have died before I betrayed them."

It was true beyond anything else I had said that night.

For a few seconds, Harry didn't move. And then, very slowly, he nodded.

Oh God, has the rain stopped, Sirius?

"No!"

Peter was groveling at my feet, begging like the bit of vermin he was.

"…it's Peter…your friend…you wouldn't…"

Friend? Ha!

I kicked out at him.

There's enough filth on my robes without you touching them.

He turned and pleaded with each person in the room in turn, before finally turning to Harry.

"…you look just like your father…just like him…"

I exploded.

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO HARRY? HOW DARE YOU FACE HIM? HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT JAMES IN FRONT OF HIM?"

I was shaking with rage as Remus and I pulled him back onto the floor by his shoulders.

"You sold Lily and James to Voldemort." I said, the words burning on my tongue. "Do you deny it?"

My eyes flashed and I clenched Snape's wand so tight that my hand turned white.

"What was there to be gained by fighting the most evil wizard that ever existed? Only innocent lives, Peter!"

Is that any excuse?

"THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED! DIED, RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!"

And that was also true.

"You should have realized if Voldemort didn't kill you, we would." Remus said calmly.

We raised our wands. This is it, Sirius.

"NO!"

Harry had placed himself in front of Peter. I nearly fell over in shock.

This is the reason you have no parents, Harry, don't you see?

But Harry insisted that we spare Peter and take him to Azkaban.

I lowered my wand slowly.

You're the only person who has the right to decide, Harry. But think…think what he did…

"He can go to Azkaban. If anyone deserves that place, he does…"

We bound and gagged Peter and chained him between Remus and Ron with his broken leg. We agreed that if Peter transformed, we would kill him.

I moved Snape down the tunnel with his wand. His head bumped the rock on the ceiling but I couldn't have cared less.

"You know what this means? Turning Pettigrew in?" I said suddenly to Harry, who blinked.

"You're free." He said.

"Yes…" I thought for a moment. "But I'm also—I don't know if anyone ever told you—I'm your godfather." I explained quickly.

"Yeah, I knew that."

I was amused by his casualness.

"Well…your parents appointed me your guardian. If anything happened to them…"

Harry stared at me and I suddenly found it difficult to read his expression.

I tilted my head. "I'll understand, of course, if you want to stay with your aunt and uncle. But…well…think about it. Once my name's cleared…if you wanted a…a different home…"

I glanced at him apprehensively.

Harry jumped and hit his head. "What—live with you?"

I bit my lip, embarrassed that I had suggested it. "Of course I thought you wouldn't want to." I said quickly. "I understand—I just thought I'd—"

"Are you insane? Of course I want to leave the Dursleys! Have you got a house? When can I move in?" Harry asked excitedly.

I turned around to look at Harry, astounded.

"You want to? You mean it?" I asked, my heart leaping.

"Yeah I mean it!"

I smiled broadly and my heart did a somersault. I think I could have cried with joy right then.

The sun is shining, Sirius, there is no more rain.