title: apple and lavender
pairing: NaruHina
for: um myself...as a destressatizer!
notes/warnings: CRACK, CRACK, AND MOREEE CRACCKKK.
yeah, this kind of just came to me. i really have no idea where from.
also, terrible TERRIBLE ending. but it was getting super long.
and if you love neji...don't read this. 'cause i really make fun of him. like ALOT. it's kind of the point of the story, really.
BUT if you love neji (specifically nejiten!) then feel free to check out my profile soon for my next oneshot...;)
summary: CRACK. OneShot. NaruHina. "This moron can't be her True Love." "Do you see any other Knights in Shining Armor, ready to ride in and save the day in an unrealistic, cheesy albeit lovely way?"
disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Or Snow White.

She liked talking to the dwarves. Really, they gave her peace of mind. Sometimes, she would sing a little song for them to make them smile. Sometimes, she just hummed quietly as she worked, listening to them bicker. And when she sang to the dwarves that no one else could see (because they were so short and invisible in the forest) she didn't look like a crazy person.

Nope. Not one bit.

But the five dwarves – Doggie, Bugs, Smiley, Lazy, and Chubby – that lived just over the hill of the elaborate castle liked her singing. And they liked talking to her. In fact, they all rather enjoyed Hinata's company. They often came to visit her as she worked – usually ignoring her obnoxious cousin.

See, the thing with sweet little Princess Hinata was that she was trapped. Forbidden to leave her castle (though she didn't know it was her kingdom through a series of lies and deceit…) and singing was her only outlet. Along with talking to the animals and dwarves.

Otherwise, dear (secret) Princess Hinata had no friends, and no one to talk too. Except the Evil King, Neji, who was her cousin. But he didn't enjoy talking to her much, he would much rather spend his talking to a mirror.

Honestly. Narcissus, anyone?

And sometimes, the mirror would talk back.

Okay, so maybe the whole family is crazy…

"

The sun rose like any other day. Hinata woke up, like any other day. She dressed in her horrid, unflattering, dirty smock and washed her face. She combed back her hair, she put on her shoes. And she went outside to fill the bucket – only ¾'s full. Not a drop more, not a drop less! – for King Neji's morning facial.

"Good morning, my friends," she said, smiling as they tottered towards her from the woods. "You're up early today, Lazy."

"Troublesome Doggie over there wouldn't shut his trap and he woke me up," grumbled the spiky-haired dwarf. Hinata giggled, heading over to the well.

"I think you mean you heard my perfect, melodious voice, and couldn't stand to stay asleep," corrected Doggie, grinning widely, as the girl began to lower the bucket into the water with a splas.

"You used a big word, congratulations are in order, yes?" said Smiley, who usually spoke in awkward ways.

"Oi, shut it—,"

Hinata giggled as Chubby approached her with an odd bag in his hand.

"Try them, Hinata! They're called 'chips' and they're absolutely delicious—!"

"WOULD YOU QUIT ALL THAT RACKET? I AM TRYING TO GET MY BEAUTY SLEEP!"

Hinata flinched as her cousin's voice roared down from the topmost tower of the – hers, damn it, hers! – castle.

"Of course, King Neji," she murmured, knowing he wouldn't hear her.

"AND DON'T FORGET THE LAVENDER. I NEED IT TO CLENSE MY PORES!"

And his window slammed shut. Hinata rolled her eyes.

"Really, could the stick in his ass go any deeper?" Doggie muttered.

"By 'stick' do you mean pe—,"

"That," interrupted Bugs, in his mysterious voice, "is not appropriate conversation for Lady Hinata, Smiley."

"Not even he can spoil my day today," she informed them, smiling gently.

"What's so special about today?" Lazy asked, curiously.

Hinata just shrugged, and smiled again, as she hoisted the bucket from the depths. "It's simply a beautiful day, don't you think?"

"I suppose it's…all right," replied Chubby, glancing about now that he had finished his chips.

Giggling again, Hinata set down the bucket in a patch of sunlight to let it warm (to exactly seventy three degrees, you stupid girl, or else it will burn my delicate skin!). Smiling as the dwarves began to bicker again, Hinatapicked up her basket and headed into the dense forest that surrounded her prison, and the dwarves followed.

"You needn't be afraid of this place, Lady Hinata!" cried Doggie. "The Forest of Death knows to fear the Five Dwarves—,"

"We're dwarves, Doggie," Lazy muttered, "we don't exactly inspire fear into the hearts of our enemies—,"

"That's a rather harsh name for this place, I should think," Hinata informed the little men that walked at her side. "It's not really a Forest of Death. That one person just died in here because they were silly enough to eat the deathly poisonous plant. Which, you know, killed them. A better name would be 'Forest That Holds The Plant of Death.' Don't you think?"

They blinked at her. She giggled.

"Well, someday I'll have the name changed," she said, and bent to pluck the little purple flower for King Neji's pores and deposit it into her basket. The dwarves began to help her, even Lazy.

Too soon, the dwarves announced their departure. The mines wouldn't collect the diamonds themselves, you know. Hinata smiled and waved, watching them vanish into the thicket, before—

CRASH.

"Ow ow ow ow ow."

Hinata froze. Someone was there. As in…a person.

"OI, WHO PUT THAT BUSH THERE!"

A boy person.

Hinata crouched behind a curtain of leaves, slowly peering around the plant to get a better look at the boy person that had just crashed through the Forest of Death.

"Stupid plant thingy…just sitting in the middle of the path…"

And with more dirty muttering, the owner of the voice stood up.

And he was beautiful.

Hinata stared, openly, at him. He wasn't a dwarf, he was a boy – no, a man! The only one she'd ever seen was her cousin – who, let's face it, is not the best representation of hello masculinity – but this boy looked much different. His armor was black, with…orange? Right, okay, we'll just ignore that part…His skin was tan, dark tan from hours in the sun. His hair was bright blonde, and his eyes were absolutely gorgeous, dark, deep blue. Hinata felt as if she could drown in them.

Oh, how she wanted to drown in them.

"…stupid Forest of Death…stupid Teme for challenging me to come in and get some stupid planet for his stupid princess or some shit…stupid—oh!"

In her daydreaming and staring, and in his distress and muttering, the two people had not seen each other and so…he walked right into her.

"Um..um.."

"Hello! I didn't know anyone lived in here," said the blonde boy, in a friendly voice. "What a weird place to live, isn't it? But I guess it's really quiet. And kind of nice and hey, you make it really beautiful."

"Oh, um, thank you."

He talked a mile a minute, but Hinata found it kind of sweet.

"What's your name? I'm Sir Naruto of the Leaf Kingdom!"

"I'm…Hinata of…well, of nowhere. Just Hinata."

"Hinata, huh?" he repeated, beamed. "A pretty name for a pretty girl!"

She blushed, obviously. Who wouldn't?

"You're too kind, Sir Naruto," she said, liking the way his name came from her lips. He grinned at her, in an embarrassed sort of way, and locked his arms around the back of his neck. "Um, may I ask why you are in the Forest of Death? Many of the Leaf Kingdom people fear this place."

Naruto winked at her.

"Well, first of all, I'm not scared of anything!" he declared, poking himself in the chest with his thumb. Hinata giggled into her hands. "And I'm on a mission! See, my best friend-slash-rival, Sir Sasuke, who's actually kind of a jerk and, well, a teme, but he's still my best friend. Anyway, he has this really bossy princess that he rescued from some tower after waking her from an enchanted sleep – her name is Sakura – and he went and married her and got her knocked up!" Hinata giggled and Naruto nodded enthusiastically, as if her laughter was some sort of agreement. "I know right! Way too fast! Anyway, she's got some sort of craving for some flower thingy that's supposed to be good for her skin and it's only supposed to grow in here and…um…"

He blinked at her.

"Ne, Hinata, do you know a flower like that? I kind of forgot it's name…"

Again, Hinata giggled.

"Well, lots of things grow here that don't grow anywhere else," she told him, thoughtfully. "But, I think what you're talking about is the Lavender flower."

"YES THAT'S IT! OH, HINATA, YOU'RE A LIFE SAVER! REALLY!"

He leaped forward and gave her a giant hug, swinging her around. The birds all twittered, angrily, for Hinata had suddenly started to feel a little faint…

DO NOT FAINT, HINATA. DO. NOT. FAINT. BE. CALM.

"Um…it's no problem, Sir Naruto. C-can you put me down?"

"Oh, he he, sorry…"

He set her, gently, back on the ground. Then brightened, and grinned at her.

"Do you know where I can find the flower?"

"Actually, I, um, have some right here," she said, showing the knight her basket of golden-yellow flowers. "You could have these, if you like." Naruto's mouth fell open, amazed for a moment. But then, his expression clouded over and he looked genuinely regretful.

"Ne, Hinata, I can't take your flowers," he said, solemnly. "You picked them! Can you show me where more are?"

"No, no, Sir Naruto, I insist," she said, shoving the basket into this rough hands. "Take these, I can get more much easier than you can. It's no problem!"

"But but, Hinata—,"

"Really, Sir Naruto."

Naruto looked at her, she blinked back at him.

Whoa, she has really pretty eyes…

"Well, if you're sure…" he said reluctantly.

"I am!"

"All right then. I guess I better get these back to Princess Sakura, or something bad will probably happen to the teme…which means I'll probably get beat up or something, too," he said, thoughtfully. Hinata giggled again, and Naruto brightened at the sound.

"But, I'll come back tomorrow!" he said, and Hinata stared at him. "So we can talk more! Would you like that, Hinata? I know I would!" She kept staring at him. After a moment of awkwardness, Naruto's sunlight-like grin began to fade into uncertainty. "Well…I mean, if you don't…that's okay—,"

"N-no!" she cried, a little too forcefully, so that Naruto almost dropped the honeysuckle basket. "Really, Sir Naruto, I'd like – I mean, love! – for you to come here again tomorrow! So we could t-talk more."

"Okay then, it's a date! Believe it!"

Hinata laughed this time, a true smile breaking across her face.

"Wow," Naruto whispered, softly, almost like he hadn't meant to say it out loud.

"W-What?" Hinata replied, whipping around, hoping he hadn't seen King Neji and mistaken him for a girl – seriously, the long hair is pretty misleading…

"Hinata, when you smile, you're…you're really beautiful."

"WHAT?" shrieked King Neji, who was settled in his throne room, gazing into his special mirror. "He thinks she's beautiful? He must be blind!"

"Alas, my king!" squeaked the emerald mirror in his hand. "The flower of youth as bloomed upon Princess Hinata! Sir Naruto does genuinely find her entrancing, delicate, pretty, beautiful—,"

"Ridiculous," scoffed Neji, waving a carefully manicured hand dismissively. He went back to examining the mirror, spying upon his cousin.

"You know, Hinata," Naruto said, as he swung onto his horse. Hinata gazed up at him, heart beating ridiculously fast. "I think I know where you're from now."

"You do?" she asked, breathlessly.

"Yep!" he grinned down at her. "The lavenders! Your Lady Hinata of the Lavender!"

Hinata went pink and smiled, faintly, trying very hard not to pass out from sheer admiration. Really, this man's level of adorableness was almost too much to handle.

Neji gagged at the ridiculous name, and waved the image away. The fake king tossed back his silky mane of luscious chocolate (as he liked to say…) and said: "Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?"

"Really, King Neji? I thought we discussed this…your vanity does nothing for your youthfulness—,"

"Silence, Mirror!" shouted Neji, shaking the emerald object he held. "Now, speak! Tell me this: who is the fairest forever and after?"

If the mirror had any eyes – (which would be set beneath huge, bushy eyebrows) – it would have rolled them.

"My king, it is true, your beauty is famed. But in the flowers of youth, I see a lovely maid."

"WHAT—,"

"Beneath her rags of cruel fate, there is skin as white as snow. Hair as black as coal, cheeks as red as rose."

"NO—,"

"Beyond these walls, in the bushes of lavender, stands Princess Hinata: the fairest forever and after."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hinata glanced up at the echoing scream. Naruto had already ridden away, back to the Leaf Kingdom, so she didn't have to admit – thank God – that she knew where the scream was coming from. With a sigh, she collected the last of the pale purple flowers, and returned to the castle to make her cousin's facial lotion.

Neji spent the day locked in his room, pacing, plotting. He only washed his hair twice – twice! – and had yet to apply the facial cream that Hinata had made for him. The mirror lay on his vanity set, not speaking unless spoken too.

"How can she be more pretty then me?" he snapped, to no one. "Honestly! What rubbish!"

He rubbed his hands together, smirking.

"I'll just have to get rid of her, that's all…"

So, the evil king hatched a plan.

And the next day…

"Good morning, dear sweet cousin of mine."

Hinata looked up from the lavender bush she was tending. The dwarves glared at Neji suspiciously.

Her cousin was…outside?

In the…forest?

Without his hairnet on.

Okay, she thought to herself, this has got to be an intruder.

"Are you hungry?"

Hinata blinked.

"Fantastic!"

Lazy and Chubby exchanged looks.

"I just so happen to have an extra apple here in my pocket. Would you like it?"

"Um, I don't really—,"

"LOVELY."

And he shoved the perfect, luscious red fruit into her mouth. And Hinata bit into it. And she chewed. And she swallowed.

"Well, um thanks Ki—,"

And she fainted.

With a cackling laugh, Neji vanished in a swirl of brown hair. The dwarves leaped forward to catch Hinata before she fell into the lavender bush. The once-bitten apple rolled away.

"That bastard!" Doggie shouted (squeaked), shaking his fist in the direction of the castle. "I'll kill him!"

"With your miniscule fists?" questioned Smiley, seemingly sincere.

Everyone ignored him.

"Is she…dead?" Chubby asked, nervously. Bugs bent forward and placed to tiny fingers to Hinata's neck. The other dwarves watched him intently as he closed his eyes and began to count.

"Yes," he revealed.

"Whew!

"Thank God!"

"But her pulse is faint," continued Bugs, seriously. "It seems…the apple was poisoned with some sort of drug. This appeared to be an induced coma, which I cannot be sure she will arise from. In fact—,"

"When you feel like talking normally," spat Doggie, scathingly, "let me know, all right?"

"Your comprehensive level is far below that of an average, my mistake," Bugs intoned.

"Just like his pe—,"

"Let's get her a blanket or something," Lazy suggested. "It doesn't feel right, leaving her just lying like this."

"A blanket isn't good enough either," muttered Chubby, screwing up his face to hold back tears. "We should build her a bed. Something comfortable."

"With lavenders," added Doggie, quietly.

"And our best diamonds should surround her the bed, so that time may not ravage her beautiful face."

The dwarves all stared at Smiley. Who, of course, smiled in a sad sort of way. Sometimes, with his weirdness, they forgot that Smiley was, in his heart, an artist of many things. They murmured their agreement.

"All right, Chubby and I will take care of her. You, Doggie, and Bugs start building the bed," suggested Lazy, not unkindly.

So, they set to work.

Obviously, dwarves are very efficient beings (yes, even Lazy) when they are inspired enough to do so. Hinata had always had that power over them, and they figured this was the least they could do. Before the sun fell beneath the horizon, Hinata found herself lying atop of soft cushion of cotton, surrounded by diamonds, her hands clasping the lavender flowers Smiley had so carefully arranged.

The dwarves knelt and bowed their heads in sadness, praying for—

CRASH.

"Ow ow ow ow ow."

The dwarves froze, whipping around at the voice of a male. They stood, ready to defend their precious friend from any enemy that Neji would send – but out stumbled a knight from the Leaf Kingdom with ridiculously bright, yellow hair.

Naruto blinked at the five dwarves.

They blinked back at him.

"Um…I didn't know gnomes existed," said the knight, squinting.

"We're not gnomes, you idiot!" cried Doggie, waving his fists about. "We're dwarves!"

"Um…right," replied Naruto, shaking his head. "Anyway, have you little guys—,"

"—dwarves," insisted Chubby.

"—seen a really pretty girl around here, somewhere?" continued the blonde, as if the dwarf hadn't interrupted. "Her name's Hinata and she has these really pretty eyes, and I think she likes this lavender flower—,"

Naruto stopped blubbering on when his cerulean eyes fell upon the maiden. She lay there, like the frozen diamond that surrounded her, unmoving and breathtakingly beautiful. His voice caught in his throat as he stared at her.

"Is…is she…?"

"No," said Bugs, calmly. "She is, for lack of a better term, in an enchanted sleep."

"It's safe to assume," Lazy muttered, "that True Love's Kiss will break the spell."

"This moron can't be Hinata's True Love…" said Doggie, snappishly.

"Do you see any other Knights in Shining Armor, ready to ride in and save the day in a cheesy albeit lovely way?" replied Chubby, squinting at his fellow dwarf.

"All I see is a knight in orange armor, looking at Hinata like she is very precious person," observed Smiley, in an emotionless sort of voice. "Is that not what Love is?"

Doggie grumbled something as Naruto approached the sleeping lady quietly and carefully. His blue eyes had never been more intent on something before this moment. As he stepped towards the Lady of Lavender, Naruto began to understand just why Sasuke put up with Sakura's ravings and rantings and craziness…

If he feels about her the way I feel right now..

"So…you think I should just…kiss her?" he asked.

"That's the general idea," Lazy answered.

With a deep breath, and an irrational thought that made him doubt his kissing ability for just as second, Naruto bent over the sleeping beauty he had found. He paused for a heartbeat, just above her lips, and memorized her peaceful expression.

And then he kissed her.

Hinata felt something warm touch her eyes fluttered, breath rushed into her body, and she blinked her eyes. Once she could focus, Hinata found herself staring into the depths of the ocean, set beneath the brilliant sun.

"W-where…"

And then the two colors blurred into a face. A happy, smiling, absolutely adorable face. Hinata gasped as Naruto grinned at her.

"Hey," he said, sheepishly, "you're really pretty when you're sleeping."

She blushed.

"But even more beautiful when I can see your eyes."

Can we NOT talk about how AWFUL the ending was. Shame, shame, shame. Oh, by the way...

Mirror = Lee (yes, yes I KNOW)
Doggie = Kiba (duh)
Bugs = Shino
Smiley = Sai
Lazy = Shikamaru
Chubby = Chouji

:)