I don't own anything. Not PJO, not Britney Spears, not How I Met Your Mother, not Vampire Diaries. Don't ask.

Prologue

"Father!" Persephone wailed at the summer solstice, "I have decided to take a stand!"

"What do you mean, Persephone?" asked Zeus, confused –and why Demeter was looking so gleeful?

"I mean, I'm done with Hades! Like, the only reason I'm married to him is because he freaking abducted me!"

"You're done with Hades? How can you be 'done' with Hades?"

"I mean, I'm filing for divorce!"

There was stunned silence in Olympus at that.

"You're-you're-you're what?" spluttered Zeus. "You can't get a divorce from Hades!"

"Oh, don't be such a fuss-pot, Zeus, of course she can!" Demeter said impatiently. "It's high time she did, too! And seeing the way he's treated her, looking at all his past affairs with other mortal women, I'd say she was even entitled to half the assets, and-"

"Oh, hang on just a minute!" Hades interrupted, leaning forward, "I haven't had any affairs for 70 years! And don't say it was because of the pact-look at Poseidon! And Zeus! Especially Zeus, he had two demigod children despite that damn pact!"

Zeus blushed. "Well, Jason was born to my Roman side, so I'm not sure it really counts-"

"Oh, yeah? Well, it counts, Zeus, it counts," Hera said, glaring at him. "Hades is right. Two demigod children? Despite the pact? Just who do you think you are?"

Zeus tried to say something, probably, 'I'm the lord of the heavens!' or something, but Apollo beat him to it, bursting into song. "Womanizer! Woman-womanizer! You're a womanizer! Oh womanizer! Oh you're a womanizer-"

"Will you shut up with your Britney Spears!" Zeus thundered (thundered? Pun? Get it? Ah, forget it…), "Otherwise, Apollo, I swear I will cut your pocket money for a decade!"

Apollo stared at him. "You-you can't do that!" he cried.

Zeus's eyes narrowed dangerously. "And why not?"

"Because-because I'm immortal!"

"So? I am you immortal father! Now shut up. I can't stand your singing."

Apollo looked dazed. Finally, he croaked (read: whined), "But you can't do that!"

A silence fell over Olympus.

"Do you mean"-Zeus's eyes glittered in fury-"that I, the lord of the skies, the king of Olympus, the one who can control the thunder and lightning cannot slash his son's pocket money?"

"Damn," Aphrodite muttered, "He's having a hissy fit."

*five (extremely loud) minutes later*

Hera turned to Persephone. "I'm sorry, Persephone, but you cannot break an ancient marriage like yours. We are women, we must suffer in silence-"

"Oh, shut up!" Athena broke in rudely, "What happened to equality? There should be equality between men and women, and gods and goddesses too!"

"Athena, is this really the time to break out the feminism speech? Can't you just let it go?"

Athena's eyes seemed to turn red. Her lips whitened. It looked like smoke was going to pour out of her ears any moment. All in all, she looked like a mix between a vampire and a steam engine.

"Let it go? Women are being denied equal rights and basic human amenities simply due to accident of birth, and you want me to-"

"Now she's having a hissy fit," Aphrodite sighed, lolling back in her throne, "Why does everyone seem to have a tendency to have hissy fits?"

"-let it go? Female foeticide is a serious issue which is causing a drastic decline in the sex-ratio, and the female infanticide problem is just as bad! Women from almost all sections of society have to-"

"I don't have hissy fits," Hermes said virtuously as he checked his messages on his BlackBerry. Or at least, he pretended to. Everyone knew that he was just playing Brickbreaker.

"No, you have hissy fits, too. Remember when your Facebook account wasn't working? You ended up crashing most of America's internet."

"Oh, come on, that was one time!" Hermes protested.

"-face prejudice because of severely patriarchal societies, when they are the truly important-"

Hades, who was sitting next to Athena, started snoring.

"BURN ALL THE MEN!" Artemis screamed, her emotions apparently bubbling over, "AND TURN THEM ALL TO SKUNKS-"

"AND TREES, TO MAKE BOOKS FROM-"

"-AND SUSHI!"

"And sushi?" Dionysus asked.

Apollo shrugged, "I got into a haiku groove in Japan. She developed a fondness for raw fish."

"I don't like addictions to raw fish. Or eating fish or any kind, in general."

"We know, Poseidon. Don't worry, no one will eat Mr Ploopycootchiepants," Apollo assured him. Satisfied that his beloved porpoise was safe, Poseidon settled back in his throne.

"-AND THEN WE CAN COAT ALL THE MALES WITH HONEY AND CHUCK THEM INSIDE BEE HIVES!"

"-AND THE ROAST THEM SLOWLY BEFORE THROWING THEM INTO A BOILING VAT OF ACID!"

"This is why we don't leave Athena and Artemis together for an extended period of time…"

"I WANT A DIVORCE!" Persephone finally screamed.

They fell silent. Hades woke up, looking around blearily, "Eh? Did they finish committing mass genocide?"

"Wake up, Hades, otherwise I know of one male who's going to be dead within the next three seconds," Hera snapped, "Persephone, you CAN'T get a divorce."

Athena turned to Persephone, "Screw Hera, of course you can get a divorce! Why, I'm surprised you-and Demeter-didn't think of this before-"

"Be quiet, Athena!" Hera said, drawing herself up, "She cannot break such a sacred marriage!"

"Sacred marriage, my foot! He abducted her, dammit!"

"Hey! I'm goddess of marriage! I oppose this! In fact, I will be Hades's lawyer and fight you in court over this, if need be!"

"You're just sore because you can't divorce your womanizer husband!"

Once again, Apollo starting singing (read: screeching), "Womanizer! Woman-womanizer-"

"Shut up!" both Athena and Hera shouted at him. He sulked away muttering something about 'no appreciation for Britney'.

"Alright!" Hera shouted, while Hermes ditched his Breakbreaker and leaned forward in anticipation-this was better than anything on TV! Well, maybe not better than Vampire Diaries and How I Met Your Mother. But close.

"Alright!" she said again, "We'll decide this in court. In an Olympian court! And you can defend Persephone while I become Hades's lawyer."

"Bring it on! I will squash you like a bug, you miserable, peacock faced, strutting loose cannon!"

"Miserable, peacock faced, strutting loose cannon?" Poseidon asked incredulously, "Seriously, Athena, as goddess of wisdom, is that really the best you can do?"

"Shut up, you fish breath, barnacle beard, porpoise hugging, jellyfish brained, clam headed, kelp eating pile of stinky, dribbling seaweed!" Athena yelled at him. Poseidon cowered in his seat, but then he seemed to register what Athena said.

"Whaddya mean, porpoise hugging?!"

But everyone ignored him.

"Fine!" Hera screamed at her, "And the day Persephone divorces Hades will be the day Hades prances around in nothing but boxers, gym socks and a cape and goes about distributing Easter eggs!"

"Hey, why are you bringing me into this?!"

"Fine!" Athena shouted back, "The day you beat me in a court case will be the day Poseidon skips around in a sundress and a hat, picking daisies!"

"Hey, why are you bringing me into this?!"

"Umm...Athena? I think there was a time-somewhere during 700 AD?-when Poseidon had taken fancy to doing just that..." Hephaestus murmured.

Poseidon blushed, while Athena stared at him, momentarily stunned. "You have a porpoise named Mr Ploopycootchiepants, and now you're telling me you've skipped around in a sundress and a hat picking daisies? What, are you gay or something? Poseidon, which side of the fence are you on?!"

"Of course I'm not!" Poseidon yelped.

Once again, everyone ignored him.

"Okay, a court case," Aphrodite said, looking excited. "Who's going to be the judge?"

"Zeus, of course!" both Athena and Hera chimed in unison.

"WHAT?!" Zeus yelped, "Why me?"

"Because you're, like, the top god. Who else?"

"Oh..." Zeus said stupidly.

Hera and Athena glared at each other. This dramatic moment was broken by Aphrodite, who shrieked, "Oh, I gotta start the betting!"

All hail crack…

~Fly~