a/n:9/11/12 I am the absolute worse person in the world for taking so goddam long to update. I'm thoroughly ashamed that I haven't even touched half of my fics in almost a year. I humbly beg your forgiveness and hope people are still watching. I'm planning to do a bulk update on all of my stories, so hopefully this is updated the same time as the others. I've just entered my first year of college at Long Beach City, so I may not have as much time as I'd like, but I've had more than enough time off already I think. Hopefully, the style hasn't gotten too out of rhythm since last I updated.

Chapter Four

"But, Father, I have just as much right to fight as Thor!" Balder glares at his father, seething. It is a dishonor to be sitting at home, when the others are fighting and defending their lands. It is shameful. (And he had seen the way Loki had sometimes glanced at Thor in his armor.)

"I have told you before, Balder, you are more valuable to me here." Odin said wearily, sweeping into the other room. "I cannot have the entire family off to battle-what if the both of you were killed? Who would take care of our legacy?" He is adding that last part, trying to build it up, but Balder sees right through it.

"You mean for me to have me look after the house, while Thor gains all of the glory? And wasn't it his actions that escalated the situation this far? And yet you would parade him around as though he were some kind of hero-"

"Silence!" his father snapped finally. "I wil hear no more of your jealous prattlings. You will fight when the time is right, Balder, and not a moment sooner."

Balder sat in silence as his father swept from the room.

...

"I don't understand why you'd want to go anyway, Balder." Loki was telling him, as they made their way toward the stable. "It's a bunch of petty bloodshed over past misunderstanding and long-forgotten offenses if you ask me."

Balder shook his head. "It is an insult to our lands and people, and a lesson must be taught to those who oppose us." He is parroting what he has learned and he can see it on Loki's face.

For a moment he lowers his eyes in what might have been shame. It is, after all, Loki's people they are fighting.

"It is a great honor to fight for your family."

"Is it?" his friend replies as they reach the horses, who neigh when they see the dark-haired child.

Balder flushes slightly. "Of course. It's a part of becoming a man."

"Then I suppose I shall never know then." Loki told him with a sad smile. "I don't have a family to make proud myself." None but Mother, and she is all but lost to me.

There was a silence as Loki helped him into the saddle. "But I often hear tales of Thor's gallantry and courage on the fields." he said finally with a small smile. "Could this be the source of your interest, dear friend?"

Balder's entire face went red. "I-I-don't be ridiculous Loki." He avoided his eyes.

Loki gave a bright laugh, warm like the sun, and as he tilts his head back with the mirth of it. Balder finds himself staring, mouth slightly agape.

Loki bared his neck to him, his back arching, digging his fingers tightly into his back.

"A little jealousy isn't uncommon my friend."

His fists clenched. "I am not." His voice was tremulous and childish and it only made him angrier, though he could not quite say why this was bothering him so much.

For Loki's part, he couldnt't quite figure out why he was being so particularly pushy on this subject either, but when he needled, "Are you sure? Thor's talents have always been a bit more compelling and outstanding than yours, to be sure." he couldn't help but feel a morbid satisfaction at the way Balder seemed to deflate a little at the thought.

His friend's self-conscious ramblings had, he realized, been grating on him quite a bit. Why should he have to listen to Balder's wishes to kill his family?

But there not my family. Loki had to remind himself. Not really. Not anymore. He hadn't been well-liked among his people anyway. He was considered a runt, smaller than the other children, and sickly as a babe, his father shamed, and his mother thinking he would die. As he'd gotten older, in part because of his mother's coddling, and the other children's taunting and his own jealousy, he had grown into a rebel, a bit of a brat if he were honest, known for his cruel tongue and devious trickery. He couldn't fight like the others, and so had taken to other talents.

Perhaps this was his comeuppance for those years of unfaltering arrogance...

That's when Loki noticed that Balder had stopped walking beside him and was now standing behind him, face crumpled and hands trembling.

"Oh, come now, friend." he said with a faltering smile. "I was only joking." Balder simply continued to stare at him with the same dejected and tense expression.

"Everyone always talks about what a great warrior Thor is. How brave and strong he is." his voice was quiet, barely audible. "But compared to who? There are loads of soldiers and fighters and big, courageous tits like him fighting." he added bitterly. "And besides, how can they say he's better than me when they won't even let me fight?"

Loki felt a surge of affection for his friend then. True, no one could deny that there was more than a hint of jealousy behind Balder's words, but this was so out of character for him that he couldn't help the slight, exasperated smile that came to his face.

"Oh, hush up." Loki told him, bringing a hand to his face. "I'm sure you're just as good a fighter as him, and you'll be able to prove it when needed."

Balder looked up from where he cupped his cheek, and gave a slow nod. "Be calm, Balder, and don't let it cause you to think less of yourself. Besides," he added as an afterthought, "Who's going to give me company while you're away?"

The boy's face finally broke out into a halting smile, and he took his face out of Loki's hand.

There, that's better. Loki thought to himself. I was being cruel.

There was no need to be angry at Balder when he was only frustrated. Balder was always kind, he always listened, he had never tried to hurt him, had never tried to-

But then Balder did a strange thing.

Clasping the hand that Loki had placed on his face, he leaned in, planting a soft kiss on his nose.

"You always say such nice things." he said quietly with a soft blush. "I-I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have your friendship."

Loki feels as if he's going to be ill. Because now Balder has turned an even deeper red at his silence, and his hand is trembling in his, his emerald eyes wide in surprise, his lips quivering.

Balder ducks out of his hands with a nervous laugh, finally mounting his horse, urging it on, and Loki can remember the first time it happened.

Thor had been flirting with him for weeks. At first Loki had played along because he'd always harbored some feelings for his master, and after all, he should be flattered shouldn't he?

Thor flirted with nearly everyone anyone(most of them women, to be sure) and he hadn't thought anything could possibly come of it.

Thor was the honored heir of the most powerful family in the land.

Thor coud have anyone he wanted with a flick of his hand.

Thor had always treated him with respect-he knew where each of them stood, but he'd never been cruel, tried to treat him with as much kindness as possible, his touches firm, and his vague attempts at what would amount to courting insistent,

And one night, Thor had cornered him while he was drunk, pawing at his clothing and ignoring his protests.

And how could Loki refuse him? He had a mother to think of, and he couldn't afford to risk Thor's wrath in this state and be removed for displeasing him.

The heir's rough hands grabbed him, pulled him, and spread him as if he was one of the tavern whores that he frequently bedded.

Loki had been reading before he came in(he read anything he could get his hands on; Thor knew this, and had even given a few to him as gifts, back when his hands were soft and pureposeless) and in the flurry of movement since he had come in, they had fallen to the ground, scattering all over the place, disrupting the tidiness that Loki had prided himself on.

"I want you." he had said simply and he had taken what he wanted and, later-when Loki's blood stained the sheets and Thor had come out of his drunken slumber-he had called it love. He had grinned at him, praised him even, and Loki felt himself, a part of himself that he had guarded for his entire life crumble and turn to dust.

But Balder...sweet, kind, Balder, who blushed at every compliment, who could barely stand the sight of blood, who remained so far untainted by war, he could never be what Thor was. Could not look at him with lust, wouldn't taint himself by laying with another man. With a sigh, Loki brought his arms to his chest as if shielding himself.

He knew all this as true, that Balder would never dare look at him in such a manner, that his fears were baseless and mad.

(But he had thought the same about Thor, too.)

a/n: 5/24/13 Well, hopefully that wasn't complete and total crap. I'm planning on updating several other stories as well, so I hope you guys enjoyed this. Also, I'm going to be posting all new stories to my Archive of Our Own account under the name, Fan(Fan_Nehan_Shinzui34) so while I do plan on finishing all of my stories here, I'm going to post all new work to that account, so if you wish to see newer writings from me, I'd suggest you mostly look there. I may or may not post new stuff here occasionally, depending. Once again, hope you like, and please review. I've had to take a huge break from pretty much all writing, so I'm going to be a little rusty as far as newer updates go.