Already Lost

A/N: One-shot. Another Zack survival story, but with a bit of a twist. :x

You're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
And the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless
When you try to speak, but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach
But they've never been so loud
And if your heart wears thin,
I will hold you up, and I will hide you
When it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you
I will stay, nobody will break you

Marianas Trench – Beside You

It had taken a year to make it back home. The whole way, her letter burned in his pocket, urging him home, back to her. Eighty-nine letters. Four years. But he wasn't going to let anybody get in his way, not even the whole of Shinra's army. So when they finally caught up to him, he met them head-on, and he won. He never thought for a second that he would lose, because he had to win.

He was dirty and exhausted, but the thought of seeing her again filled him with new energy. "Come on, Cloud," he said, propping up his comatose friend. "I've got a girl to see."

So saying, he carried Cloud's limp body all the way through Midgar's slums until he reached a familiar marketplace, and then until he reached a familiar house surrounded by hundreds of flowers.

Zack wasn't expecting to see Tseng there, though, and he almost dropped Cloud on his head.

"You're alive," Tseng said in surprise. "The army..."

"Yeah," Zack shrugged. "I guess I'm just persistent that way. Are you here to stop me?" he asked warily, legs tensing.

"No. I'm not."

"Good. You can watch Cloud while I go inside," he said, setting Cloud down on the ground and propping him up against one of the picket fences.

"Zack, maybe you should wait," Tseng began hesitantly, but Zack interrupted him.

"No way, Tseng. I've waited five years to see her. I'm not waiting for anything else!" Zack pushed past Tseng and into the house without knocking, excitement flooding him. Nobody was in the kitchen, which must have meant she was upstairs...

He ran up the stairs two at a time, the staircase thumping beneath him with every step. There: her door was open, and she was sitting on her bed with her mom.

"Aerith!" he exclaimed, bouncing into her room with an excited smile. But instead of the happy reunion he was expecting, she flinched and shrank against her wall, shaking, her mom making hushing noises to soothe her.

"What...?" Zack began, confusion clouding his mind. She didn't look right. Her hair was lank and greasy, and she looked thin and unwell, like she hadn't been eating. He stepped further into the room, reaching toward Aerith, who cried out and pressed herself against the wall, clearly terrified.

"Please, don't," Elmyra pleaded in a strained voice.

"I..." Zack didn't know what to say. He was at a loss.

"Shinra took her nine months ago," a low voice said behind him. He turned to Tseng, eyebrows furrowed. "They experimented on her until she lost her mind. She barely remembers who she is anymore. When they realized she wasn't going to lead her to the Promised Land, they returned her home. She's only been here for a week. I think...your uniform is scaring her. She doesn't recognize you, Zack."

"Wh-what?" Zack croaked. Disbelief roared in his ears.

"She's insane, Zack," Tseng said, his voice so soft that Zack almost couldn't hear him.

He took a deep, shaky breath. He looked at the broken girl on the bed, huddled up with her mother, eyes squeezed shut in fear, and he felt anger swell up in him.

"No," Zack said lowly. "No."

"I'm so sorry-" Tseng began, but Zack slammed his fist against the wall.

"NO! You were supposed to watch her! You were supposed to protect her!" he yelled, his voice raw in his throat. His eyes were blurring, and he blinked angrily, driving the tears away. "This is all your fault!" he roared, gritting his teeth and holding his head between his hands.

"Zack," Tseng said, taking a step toward him.

"GET AWAY!" Zack yelled, shoving the Turk so hard that he flew back into the banister by the stairway. "Get out! Don't come near her again!"

Aerith was wailing in terror, covering her ears with her hands, and she was rocking back and forth on her legs.

"Please, please stop shouting, you're scaring her!" Elmyra begged, trying to soothe her daughter again, but Aerith was fighting her, screaming and kicking. Her eyes popped open, a wild look in them.

"Zack. Zack will come," she whispered, her voice hoarse and broken. "He'll save me," she continued, shuddering on the bed.

"Aerith," Zack said in a hushed voice, his rage sluicing away, replaced with overwhelming sadness. "Aerith, I'm here. It's Zack," he said, hunching down next to her bed, trying to get her to look at him. She fidgeted, worrying away at her hair, and blinking at him without comprehension.

"He'll come back for me. He's just on a mission," she said. He reached for her face slowly, and she rocketed off the bed, throwing herself into one of her walls as she tried to get away from him. "No more, no more," she whimpered, sobbing. "No more tests, please, please," she gasped, her body shaking.

Elmyra was sobbing almost as hard as Aerith now, crying into her hands as her body heaved.

"The voices in my head tell me he's out there," Aerith cried pitifully, placing one hand against the wall and the other on her chest, over her heart. She squeezed her eyes shut again, taking haggard breaths, tears leaking out the corners of her eyes. When she opened them again, they were bloodshot, and she stared at him in terror.

"Not SOLDIERs. No, no, noooo," she moaned, turning her face into the wall, gritting her teeth again and breathing rapidly, spittle flying from her mouth and onto her chin.

Zack stood up, feeling sick. He shook his head and screwed his face up against the tears that were trying to come out. He had to be strong.

"I'll...I'll be right back, Aerith," he promised her. She was scared of the uniform – she couldn't tell him from any other SOLDIER. He left the room and removed his armor and SOLDIER vest and belt, until he was down to his simple white undershirt and black pants. Nothing SOLDIER about those. After he'd removed said articles, he crept back into the room – Aerith's mom had stopped crying, but she looked tired and defeated.

"I..." Zack started. "I should have been here to protect her."

Elmyra just looked up at him, not accusing, just sad. She didn't say anything differently, though, as she rose to her feet, wiping at her face. "Maybe you can stay with her for a minute. I just need...a moment," she whispered brokenly, rushing out of the room.

Zack walked hesitantly toward Aerith, who had also stopped crying. She was staring into space now, seemingly looking at nothing at all, eyes unfocused and glassy. She was a mere ghost of the beautiful, sweet girl he'd left behind. All the life had been removed from her, except for when she was moaning in terror. He swept a strand of lank hair from her face, and she blinked slowly, still looking past him.

"Aerith. Please, look at me. Remember me. See...look, I've got your letter here. Do you remember?" he asked her softly, licking his lips as he pulled out the crumpled piece of paper. He placed it in her hand, closing her fingers around it. She blinked again and tilted her head so she was looking down at her hand.

"...Letter," she breathed. "I...I wrote..." her lip trembled, and she looked so fractured it made Zack's heart shatter. A soft whimper escaped her, but then she looked up at him. "I wrote him. He...he never answered."

A tear escaped and slid down his cheek, and he sniffled. "Aerith, it's me, I'm right here...please, I'm sorry. I couldn't...I didn't know," he pleaded with her. But she just rocked back and forth, humming under her breath.

"Aerith," he repeated, touching her arm. She squirmed.

"I have to go," she muttered. "To the church, I have to go to the church, my flowers..."

"God, Aerith, I'm so sorry," Zack sobbed, clasping her hand with his. "I should have been here. I didn't protect you."

She tilted his chin up and wiped at his tears slowly, her eyes clearing for a moment. "Shhh," she soothed, brushing his hair back. "Don't cry. Zack will come and save us both. He'll get us out of this horrible place. He's a hero."

Zack swallowed thickly, trying to stem his tears.

"I'm no hero," he whispered painfully. "A hero could have saved you." He pressed a kiss against her temple, and she whimpered again, burying herself into him.

"I want Zack," she cried softly into his chest, and his eyes burned again.

"I'm here," he assured her. "I'm never leaving again. I won't let them break you anymore."

He hadn't come out the hero this time.

...

He guessed he'd have to settle with revenge.

A/N: I don't know why I just thought of this after I posted the very upbeat chapter of Best Friends, but suddenly I started thinking about another 'what if', which I always enjoy. So here this is. Just something to break all of your hearts like it broke mine. ;_; I'm such a tragic person. Happy Halloween.