Reno's List

Rated for language. No lemons.

The many things Reno is no longer allowed to do in the army. Search "Skippy's List" for more hilarity.

In case you didn't know, a cadence is what a unit leader will sing/yell in order to keep the troops behind them in sync and focused as they run.

1. Compose Army Cadences

After many frustrating and fruitless attempts, Tseng had decided that Reno was to report to his partner after a mission, who would then write a report for both of them. He was therefore suitably surprised to find Reno scratching his rat's nest of a hairstyle with a pencil, scribbling on a piece of paper. Tseng noticed with distaste that the pencil had been one of his, and that it was now chewed. The Turk Commander felt a headache brewing.

The piece of paper Reno was writing on crumpled, and he cursed.

"Tseng, what rhymes with 'questionable sexuality'?" Reno asked, still focused on the paper. He paused and tapped the pencil on his lip.

"…What?" Tseng asked weakly. He really should have known better than to talk to Reno before having his customary cup of coffee.

"Actually, no, how do you make 'necrophilia' into a verb?" Reno muttered for a second, before he announced, "Corpse fu-king". He had paused between 'fuh' and 'king'.

The Commander was tempted to walk to his office and leave Reno to his own devices. Except… that never went well in the long run. Either way, he would have to fill out paperwork, in which he argued that Reno was worth the trouble he caused for Shin-Ra. He might as well take initiative.

"What are you writing about, no. Why are you writing rhymes?" Tseng pinched the bridge of his nose. It usually relieved some of the stress-related aches Reno caused.

"Not rhymes," Reno sounded outraged. "Cadences! It's work," he added hastily. Tseng often found things for Reno to do if the Commander thought Reno was underworked. 'Idle hands' and all that.

Tseng wasn't sure how to address that. Reno was a Turk. He had very little to do with the regular army, and they tried to keep it that way. Reno had a knack for conscripting impressionable cadets into participating in his little schemes. The only person he knew in the army that Reno frequently associated with was...

"Zack asked me to. The cadences they use now are boring, and he wanted to cheer up the General", Reno continued, after he saw Tseng's frown.

"The General," Tseng repeated. Surely the General Sephiroth was not singing cadences about questionable sexual practices. Tseng couldn't imagine the General singing, or even participating in marches. It was a bizarre thought. Reno often made him think about things he'd never have imagined on his own. He thought of how he could spin that. 'Adds flexibility to a team' sounded good on paper. 'Knows how to think outside of the box' was another.

"How many tentacles to squid have? Eight?" Reno interrupted Tseng's thoughts.

"Two, and eight arms. Reno, have you provided Lieutenant Fair with many cadence ideas?" Tseng asked absently as he factored in the damage control.

"They have arms? Like, people arms? Was that before or after Hojo? That's freaky shit, Tse-".

"Reno, you have to hide me!" The door to the Turk common room burst open, and a frantic Lieutenant Zack Fair scrambled in. His eyes were wide and panicked. The powerful SOLDIER attempted to fit his body, including his massive sword, under the coffee table where Reno had been writing. He shook like his namesake, a puppy, and covered his eyes.

"Dude, chill. What'd you do?" Reno flopped on the couch, having stood up when Zack flew in.

"I didn't know Seph was going to watch PT today!" He wailed. "He's looking for me right now". Reno cursed.

"You led him right to me! You freakin' Puppy, he's gonna skewer us both!" Reno dashed towards the air vents. Tseng was somehow unsurprised to discover that at some time prior, Reno had removed the screws holding the screen in place. He pulled the screen away and clambered in, and pulled the screen back towards him. Tseng and Zack eyed each other as they heard the Turk banging through the vent system. Tseng sighed.

"I suppose I could say that Reno frequently tests and improves Shin-Ra security," he eyed the ceiling. "I didn't know someone could actually fit in those".

"Reno's a skinny guy. I wish I could fit up there too," Zack said, mournfully. Tseng shook his head and went to his office. It was time to start the incident report. He could simply fill in the manner in which the General Sephiroth murdered Reno afterwards. He paused.

"Reno?" Tseng called up at the ceiling.

"Yeah boss?" Came the muffled reply, somewhere to his left.

"Do you think he'll just stab his sword into the ceiling until he kills you, or wait until you come out?" Tseng asked in a bored tone. If the General stabbed until he hit Reno, Tseng would also have to put in a request for repairs and a rug cleaning. He could probably finish the report within the hour.

The General of the Shin-Ra army strode into the Turk office. He ignored the quivering coffee table, which was two inches from the floor and balanced on the flat of his Lieutenant's sword. The man was too large to fit under it normally. He walked up to the Turk Commander.

"Where?" The General asked curtly. Tseng sighed and pointed up. He heard muffled curses.

Next up: brewing coffee.