Reno's List

Do not jump out of a moving helicopter for any reason, ever. Seriously.

As usual, I claim no rights to the characters or places in this story. Don't sue. I'm broke. No, seriously. Broke.

After a mission in Juon, Reno and Rude were finally flying back to Healin' Lodge. The sky was dark and overcast, but there were no difficult winds to negotiate the helicopter through. Once, it was so windy the helicopter had swung around like a carousel. Reno hadn't known Rude could go that color, but it was amusing. The big man almost puked down the side of the helicopter. He had to breathe in a paper bag. The sight of Rude, who was an intimidating man, breathing in a crinkled paper bag left Reno in stitches.

With the fine winds today though, Reno was bored. Rude refused to play "I Spy" for the tenth time, because the only thing in sight was dirt, the occasional piece of debris, and dingy scrubs. On a whim, Reno tilted the chopper towards the ruins of Midgar. Rude, noticing the sudden direction change, inquired.

"Nothin' to see in Midgar, partner".

"Yeah, well, Rufus pays the gas bill on this baby, yo, so it doesn't matter if we burn off some extra, right?" Reno paused. "Wonder if Cloud's out today."

"It's cloudy out", Rude deadpanned.

"Har, har, partner, you're a real barrel of laughs", Reno snorted.

"Tifa liked that one." Reno bolted up in his seat.

"You're banging Tifa? No shit, Rude. Nice!" He held up a pale hand. Rude didn't. "Dude, don't leave me hangin'," Reno waggled his hand in front of Rude's face. The latino man pushed it away.

"We aren't..." he said, "...I'm wooing her". Reno seemed flabbergasted.

"Y'ain't banging her? What the hell, Rude? Do you go on long romantic walks in the park with a shit-ton of kids behind ya?"

"She mixes drinks, gets my opinion. I take her out, cook her dinner."

"Hah, cuz there ain't any restaurants left in this damn area," Reno snorted. He thought of the Goblin's Bar, the old Turk hangout before Seventh Heaven opened. Both were under the rubble now. "What if we opened a restaurant?"

"You'd be drunk before noon, partner," Rude humored him.

"Yeah, everthin'd be flambe, bitches!" Reno crowed. "Everythin'd have booze in could get Tifa ta help ya, yo." He imagined himself with a flamethrower on each arm, fire gushing from the ends. The girls'd love him!

"...she was thinking about adding a menu."

"Wait, you ain't leavin the Turks for some chick, are ya?" Reno asked, concerned. No one else would last ten minutes in the helicopter with him. Eventually he only went on missions with Rude after Tseng pulled a gun on Reno, shutting him up on pain of death. Reno often told the other Turks, with pride, that he was the only one Tseng had pulled a gun on and lived. It was a cautionary tale, more-so to warn the recruits from Reno than Tseng. Of course, according to Reno, he'd gotten Tseng's ears to bleed first. Tseng, if in hearing range, riposted that Reno was the one who'd bleed if he didn't get his paperwork done.

"...Nah. Thought about helping on the weekends, was all."

"Cool, mate. Lemme know what cup size she is!" Reno cupped and jiggled both of his hands, causing the helicopter to dip. "Fuck! Cloud is out!" Reno straightened the chopper and dipped down closer to check out the massive motorcycle the hero was riding. He whistled. "Daaaamn, I've never seen that thing up close. It's like a fuckin tank!"

"Compensating."

"Psst. Y'think?" Reno brought the chopper lower, squinting through his goggles. "He's always pulling some sour face, so maybe you're right." Reno suddenly grinned. Rude was worried. And rightly so. Reno brought the chopper dangerously low, and put it directly above Cloud. "I bet yah a hundred Gil he's not compensating".

The blond man looked up, and his face went from neutral to outright disgust, as if he knew what they were talking about. He gunned the motorcycle. Reno whooped and sped the chopper up. "Rude, I'm gonna do somethin stupid, so I'm gonna do it fast before I think this through." Though his face was stoic, Rude's heart leapt into his throat. Reno had opened the chopper door and was flinging himself out, whooping. Rude's last view of Reno was his idiotic grin, and then the whipping flag of a red ponytail. Rude undid his seatbelt (a necessity with Reno's flying) and scrambled into the pilot's seat as the chopper began to dip. After stabilizing the machine, he looked down.

Reno's suit jacket whipped his body as he suddenly realized that perhaps this was not his brightest moment. Not that that had ever stopped him. He only had about two seconds of free-falling panic before he landed hard behind Cloud, on the small space of seat left. He exhaled sharply and made a tiny, breathless whining noise. Reno tried not to puke. He had landed quite hard on a sensitive area.

Cloud shrieked.

"Didn't know guys could make that sound," Reno gasped. He wiped tears from his eyes. Though Reno could't see Cloud's face, he could tell the man was tense. "Oh, yeah, right," Reno smacked his own forehead. "Have ta check this," he plunged his hands into Cloud's loose fabric pants, giving him a grope. Cloud banked the motorcycle hard, flinging Reno off of the seat. Reno rolled a couple of times, then stood, brushing at his suit.

"Hey man, don't mess with the suit!" Reno cried at Cloud. Cloud stared at him, his face cycling from anger, to shock, to astonishment, and back.

"You... What are you doing?" Cloud screeched. "You could have died, you stupid Turk."

"Nah, fell from higher things than that before, yo," Reno dismissed. He had. Though that was a story for another time.

"You damn... idiot. And what was that?" Cloud shifted his pants back into place.

"I just could't wait another second to get into your pants, yo," Reno raked his hair back, and grinned. He hoped he looked sexy. Cloud kickstarted the giant machine's motor again.

"Nothing's broken?" he asked flatly. Reno made a show of turning around with his arms out.

"Check out these goods, man," he said, waggling his butt at the hero. Cloud sighed, dropped his head into one hand, and pinched the bridge of his nose. Overhead, the chopper circled back, and Rude stared down at Reno for a long moment. Reno winked. Rude looked like he sighed, and then turned the helicopter towards Healin' Lodge. Reno shouted at the retreating chopper. "Hey! Rude! Come back!" He jumped up and down, waving his arms. To no avail. Reno reached into his pocket to retrieve his PHS, only to remember he had left it in the helicopter. Cloud watched the show with mild interest.

"Damn, the man can never commit, yo," Reno sighed, shaking his head in a parody of sadness. "So..." He turned sharply to Cloud, his jacket flaring. "What are you doing tonight, sexy?" He waggled his red eyebrows.

"...I have to deliver a package," Cloud turned the motorcycle away from Reno.

"Wait, Cloud! I need a ride back to Healin'!" Reno called frantically, running after him. Cloud turned to look at Reno. Reno grabbed his crotch and thrust at Cloud.

"How much to deliver this package, baby?" Reno grinned. Cloud shook his head in disgust. The motorcycle's engine roared, and he peeled off, leaving Reno staring aghast. "Wait! Cloud! You can't just leave me here!" The motorcycle retreated from sight.

"Well...fuck." Reno sighed and stared at the sky. It would take at least six hours to get to Healin' by foot. He started walking, and whistled "It's a Wonderful Life(stream)".

He paused. "At least Rude owes me some Gil". He shoved his hands in his pockets, whistling again.

Get it? Penis. Hurr hurr.

Anyways, sorry for the gap in stories. I've been insanely busy with school and taking a first aid course. Bleh.