I stuck the Author's Note at the bottom because it's so damn long. Look at it if you're feeling confused.

Disclaimer: If I owned anything involved in this story, I obviously wouldn't be living in a studio apartment next to a very loud nightclub.

Summary: Tony Stark had long ago accepted that his life was weird. Charmed and extraordinary – sometimes terrifying – but always weird. Still, this took the cake. It's not every day that he loaned out a guest room to a funny girl who got herself knocked up by the God of Mischief.

Thor appeared in Heimdall's observatory with a flash and a bang. He barely heard the surprisingly warm greeting from Heimdall himself before he was running across the prismatic bridge to his father's palace. The citizens of Asgard froze in shock at the image of their future king sprinting down the pathway. Some shouted and cheered, spreading the news that Thor had come home, but his step never faltered or slowed and he reached the palace before the gossip. He burst into the throne room, startling his mother and father.

"Thor!" Frigga shouted, her voice filled with pleasant surprise. Odin rose to greet him, his lips starting to form a smile before he caught the expression on Thor's face.

"What is wrong, my son?"

Frigga turned startled eyes to her husband before shifting her gaze back to Thor, realizing that Odin was right – something was troubling her boy.

"Father, where is Loki?"

That was obviously not what either the king or queen had anticipated falling from their son's lips. They shared a brief look of confusion.

Frigga's voice was puzzled, "Loki? Why do you ask?"

Odin answered slowly, "It is midday. He is in the courtyard receiving his punishment."

Thor looked directly at his father, "He is needed on Midgard."

Before either of his parents could respond, he took off running yet again in the direction of the courtyard. Lady Sif and the Warriors Three emerged from a doorway to his left, having apparently been informed of Thor's return. They joyously shouted their greetings, but Thor did not slow down.

He shouted as he passed, "Sorry, my friends, but I must speak with my brother!"

There was a brief silence before he heard the pounding of his friends' footsteps behind him. Sif had always been wickedly fast and had nearly caught up to Thor before he stopped suddenly at the gate to the courtyard, causing her to crash into his back. Thor stumbled forward a step but otherwise didn't react to the unexpected contact. He was frozen at the sight of his brother.

Loki stood perfectly still on a raised pedestal in the middle of the courtyard, arms crossed over his chest. His mouth had been sewn shut – black thread crisscrossing from one side of his lips to the other. He was also staring straight at Thor, his eyes wide. With his pale complexion and the sun behind him, he looked like a macabre statue depicting suffering and humiliation.

"Thor, what is going on?" It was his father's voice and Thor realized that his parents must have followed him in his mad dash. He regained his composure and looked back at Odin.

Raising his voice so that Loki would hear, he answered, "As I said, my brother is needed on Midgard." He looked back at Loki, whose face had turned curious. "It is a matter of life and death."

Suddenly Loki was standing in front of him. Loki waved his hand over his face and the thread was gone, leaving no trace that it had ever been there.

Frigga's voice rang out, "Loki! How did you…? That was the thread of Bestla!" She seemed amazed that he had removed his punishment so easily. "Have you always had the ability to unlace the thread?"

Loki turned his gaze to his mother and spoke softly, "It is not atonement if it is involuntary." He returned his eyes to Thor. "Brother, what is the matter?"

Thor took a deep breath and shook his head. "I am not sure where to begin. There is something I must tell you, but I do not know how." His lips quirked a bit. "You are the one with the silver tongue."

Thor's eyes slid up to the now empty pedestal as if to acknowledge where Loki's silver tongue had led him.

A deep voice broke through the momentary silence, "Loki is not allowed to leave. He is being punished for his crimes against his king and the Nine Realms." Everyone turned to stare at Odin. "Whatever urgent matter you believe requires his attention will have to wait."

"Sorry Father, but this cannot wait." Thor grabbed Loki's arm. "You need to go back to Midgard. At Tony's place you will find…"

Odin's voice rang out again, louder and angrier, "This is not up for negotiation, Thor. Loki has committed grave crimes and must bear his punishment. I have decreed it so."

Thor laughed, startling everyone. "Father, calm down. You do not want to fall into Odinsleep now. Trust me. You are about to become a grandfather."

Everyone froze at Thor's words. After a long moment of stillness, Frigga broke the silence, "Grandfather? Thor! Is Jane with child?" Her voice was high and slightly shrill with happiness.

Again Thor laughed, "No. Jane is not pregnant."

More silence. This time, it was Fandral who broke it, "You impregnated another female? I don't know whether to scold you or congratulate you." He paused, looking thoughtful. "Do you need Loki to talk Jane out of killing you?"

"No." Thor looked directly at Loki, his eyes full of meaning. "I did not impregnate anyone."

Apparently Thor had a hidden talent for rendering everyone into silence. Loki could feel the eyes on him, but he was trying too hard to wrap his mind around his brother's words to care.

"Loki? What is Thor talking about?" Odin's voice was quieter, the anger gone. Loki didn't even glance at his father.

With an unsteady voice, Loki asked, "Is she alright?" Thor had never heard his brother sound so shaken. Even dangling over an endless abyss, Loki had sounded confident. "Thor…is she alright?"

Thor was still holding one of Loki's arms and he raised his free hand to grasp the other.

"For the moment. She is staying with Tony. Apparently he had a spare room and very discrete doctors. But those doctors are a bit baffled at her inability to regulate her body temperature. Apparently they do not have much experience with mortal women carrying the child of a Frost Giant."

"Frost Giant?" Thor could hear Sif's incredulous whisper behind him and realized that he had inadvertently outed his brother. Loki didn't seem to either notice or care - he appeared to be in some sort of shock, his eyes wide and unfocused, his body unnaturally still.

"I must…," Loki's voice faltered, and that fact alone was enough to make Thor realize just how much he had taken his brother by surprise.

Patiently – like the big brother that he had once been – he finished Loki's words for him, "You must go to her. Tony is the only one who knows. I only just found out and I came directly here. She is going to need your help."

That seemed to wake Loki up and he shook his head a bit, eyes coming back into focus.

"Yes, you are right. I must go to her. Now." He stepped back and looked at his parents in turn. "Mother, Father, I am sorry but I am needed on Midgard. But know that in my heart, I am ever your faithful son."

He looked back at Thor and seemed to hesitate before asking, "On a scale of one to ten, just how angry with me do you think she is going to be?"

Thor laughed again, knowing now that it would be alright, "Eleven. Sorry, brother. You might want to hide the taser before she sees you. And protect your manhood – your girl fights dirty."

Loki grimaced, "That is what I figured, but hope springs eternal." He disappeared without a sound.

"Loki!" Frigga shouted, turning to Thor. "Where did he go?"

"Back to Midgard I would imagine." Thor's voice was amused. "It is not like he actually needs to use the Bifrost."

"What do you mean?" Odin's voice was strange and Thor turned to look at him.

He gave his father an almost sympathetic look, "Father, Loki has always possessed more power than should be contained in one man. I doubt he has any difficulty getting from one realm to the next."

Odin seemed about to respond before he pulled back his words. The look between father and son was charged.

Thor continued, "That is why, now that he has returned to Midgard, I shall tell him every day that I love him. That I am proud of him. Because if he ever decided to embrace the darkness again, to truly embrace that side of himself – no one, not even you, could stand against him."

Odin nodded, eyes troubled. His voice was nearly humble when he asked Thor, "Is he truly to become a father?"

Thor chuckled without much humor, "Apparently. Shocked the hell out of me. They were either the most discrete individuals alive or this was the result of a single night of drunken debauchery." He paused, thoughtful. "Since it is Loki, I would normally be inclined to think it the former. But knowing Darcy, it is equally possible that it was the latter."

"Darcy? Is that her name?" Frigga's voice was soft and tinged with the vestiges of shock. "Is that the mother of my grandchild?"

"Lady Darcy!" Fandral shouted. "You mean, your Lady Jane's friend? The girl with the unusual sense of humor and the enormous set of-," he cut himself off as he realized that his queen was staring at him with an arched brow. He finished rather lamely, "Eyes. Very big eyes."

"That would be the one."

"I see." Odin's voice seemed to have regained its strength. "Then Loki is free to go. From my experience, fatherhood will be punishment enough for any of his crimes."

The words startled a laugh out of Thor, "Quite true, Father."

Frigga addressed her son, "Thor, what is she like? This Darcy."

He had to think a moment, "Well, I would normally say that she is quite intelligent, but seeing as how she somehow ended up carrying my brother's child, I am going to have to amend that assessment. She does have an odd sense of humor – though come to think of it, Loki did seem to find her jokes amusing. She is very kind in her own way and fiercely loyal. Young, too – even by Midgardian standards. I suppose she is rather pretty, though I rarely see her outside of Jane's presence and so I am usually quite distracted."

"She's pretty," Fandral cut in with a smile. "Trust me. Dark hair, blue eyes, very kissable lips. And I believe I mentioned her other attributes. Loki truly must have employed every bit of his skill to have sweet-talked his way into her bed."

"Is she strong?" Odin's voice held far more gravity.

"Yes," Thor answered without hesitation.

"Good. She will need to be. Both in mind and body."

That seemed to sober everyone up. This was a mortal girl they were talking about. They each pondered the ramifications of this astonishing turn of events.

Sif's voice was curious, "Thor, what was that about Frost Giants?"

Very (Very) Long Author's Note: This is going to be a very odd story – I should warn you all now.

Just to set the stage, the events from "Thor" happened exactly as shown. Then (as per the trailer and my own odd mind), Loki goes off gallivanting about the universe gaining power, building up an army, finding cool toys, and fostering a well of hatred for Thor and all things virtuous. He comes back as the Big Bad and really does a number on Earth – causing the Avengers to form and try to fight him. While this is going on, some other baddie enters the scene (Thanos, maybe? Sorry, I've only seen the movies, so my comic book lore is Google-based). Some sort of confrontation occurs and Loki realizes just how close he is to seeing Thor die in front of him and decides that he loves him just slightly more than he hates him, switches sides at the last possible moment and wipes the floor with aforementioned villain. It should be noted that in my mind, Loki is a serious, serious threat – I mean, he is playing the main villain in the Avengers, so he has to be a real badass mofo - but I am probably going to be overestimating his abilities. Also, he doesn't have kids in my version even though mythologically he does (Hel, right? And the 8-legged horse…which was actually in the movie. I don't think that was supposed to be his kid though. I mean I wouldn't let my father ride my son, just saying.) And I know that this isn't why his lips were sewn shut, but I couldn't shake the image of Tom Hiddleston with his lips sewn up Tim Burton style, so I threw it in.

Anyway…this chapter picks up a few months after the events of my hypothetical Avengers, however it will immediately jump back to how the hell Darcy wound up preggers.

And for the record, this Loki is still a naughty boy. Very much so.