[First Author's Note: Hello readers. This is Jonathan Carreau, formerly known as xm0123, with a new fanfiction project. Now, the first thing you're probably thinking is, "Why are you writing a Madoka fic? I saw your Youtube review; you said it wasn't in your top five favorite anime field! What givesǃ?" Well you see, I wrote this as a favor to a friend of mine, a friend who ought to know better about signing contracts by now. (whistles innocently.)

Now then, there's something I've noticed about Madoka fics. Namely, they are always one of three things. One, an attempt to recapture the angst of the proper canon. Two, yuri fluff. Three, a combination of the first two. I'm not in the mood for something overly angsty at the moment, and I don't mind writing yuri, so long as there's no smut involved. However, I don't deal in fluff.

Now then, ever since I finished Madoka, I have come to realize a truth about most magical girl animes; all the ones I have seen, save for Princess Tutu, have a lot of lesbian subtext in them, if not outright text-text. I noticed this in Madoka too, as have many other fans. However, a thought came to me as I was researching this franchise; what if someone were to re-imagine the series as a harem comedy? An all-female harem comedy? This is my aim with Oh No, Not Madoka! Not only that, every chapter will also end with an omake for your amusement.

While this is an alternate universe work, do know that I will throw in references to the canon, bits that may outright spoil the show. Heck, the omake for the first chapter gives away crucial plot elements from the actual canon! Ye have been warned! Before reading, please, have at least seen the Madoka anime in its entirety to get full enjoyment out of this. But now, without further ado, I present to you, Oh No, Not Madoka!]

She couldn't believe how good pink and white looked on her. It felt weird walking in high heels, but she didn't mind, because she was living out her childhood dream; wearing an elegant dress, and dancing in a beautiful ballroom.

As she descended down the stairs to the dance hall, she saw someone else in another dress, a girl in a purple and white dress. She and the other girl stepped onto the dance hall at the same time.

She approached the girl, her long black hair held by a silver tiara with a purple gem encrusted in the center, and made a curtsy. The girl curtsied back and said, "May I have this dance?"

She smiled, "Sure." She held out her hand. Since she was wearing white gloves, she could not feel the bare skin of the girl's hand, but she did not mind.

Even though there were no musicians in sight, "Garland Waltz" by Tchaikovsky started playing. She danced and danced and danced with the girl. The girl in the purple and white dress told her, "You're a very good dancer."

She blushed, "But, I haven't even practiced!"

The girl smiled, "That's okay. You don't need to practice. Your form is already perfect." Hearing this made her giggle.

When the music swelled, the girl dipped her, "Whoa!"

"Has anyone told you how lovely you are?"

"Uhh . . ."

"You're lovely enough to kiss." The girl closed her eyes, puckered her lips, and zeroed in on her lips.

Madoka sprang up in her bed. She wasn't wearing a dress, just green pajamas. She was holding onto something, but it was just a rabbit plushie, not a girl her age. What a weird dream, she thought.

After slipping on her slip-ons, Madoka went downstairs to find her father, Tomohisa. "Morning, Papa!" She called out.

"Good morning, Madoka!" He said as he was tending to the tomato plants.

Madoka asked, "Where's Mama?"

He looked up in thought, "Probably still in bed. You should help your brother out."

Madoka stood like she was going to salute, "I understand!" and marched off to another part of the house.

Elsewhere, a little boy was standing over a woman in bed. "Mama! Mama!" He exclaimed with a smile on his face.

Madoka swung open the door to the bedroom, marched to the window curtains, and threw them open in a dramatic display of light. She then whisked away her mother's blanket, "Wake up now!" She cheerfully ordered.

Junko threw herself around the bed, "Aaaaagh!" but then noticed the smiling faces of her children, "Good morning, everyone." She lazily murmured.

Junko and Madoka started their routine for getting ready for school and work: shower, clothes, and Madoka's favorite, brushing teeth. Mother and daughter shared the act of brushing teeth together, while discussing life. Junko asked, "So, how are things?"

Madoka answered, "Hitomi-chan got another love letter. That makes two this month."

Junko sounded disgusted, "Guh. Guys who don't have the courage to tell a girl they like her are worthless." They gargled and spat out. Junko then asked, "How's Kazuko?"

"Teacher's still at it. She won't shut up about him during homeroom. This week makes it the three month anniversary, which would be a new record for her. What about you?"

Junko was now applying makeup, "This is a risky time for them. If it's just a fluke, then problems should be showing up right about now. Though if they can get past this, then they should be able to make it through the first year."

Madoka was holding two ribbons, a red one, and a yellow one. She asked, "Which one should I wear?"

Junko pointed to the red one and commented, "If you use that ribbon today, your secret admirers will lose themselves in you."

Madoka frowned, "But, no one ever has for me. I'm not pretty enough for them to look at me like that."

"Nonsense! They're all just scared of approaching you. Act as though you are pretty, then you become pretty. It's how I snagged your father."

Madoka giggled aloud. After the two had fixed themselves up, they came out to the kitchen, where Tomohisa had prepared breakfast for them and Tatsuya. The four ate, then Junko left for work, and Madoka for school shortly after. She had to run to school to avoid being late. Two girls were waiting for her, one with short turquoise hair, the other with somewhat long green hair. Madoka greeted, "Good morning, everyone!"

"Good morning, Madoka-chan." The green-haired girl replied.

The other noticed, "You're late, again. But those are some cute ribbons you got."

Madoka touched her ribbon, "R-Really? You don't think I look silly in this?"

"They're very nice." said the green-haired girl.

"Thanks, Hitomi-chan!" Madoka remembered, "Oh, I talked to my mama about your new secret admirer."

"Really?"

Madoka continued, "Yeah. She said you shouldn't go out with someone who doesn't have the courage to ask you out directly and does so instead with a letter."

Hitomi held her index finger beneath her chin, "Hmm, interesting. What do you think, Sayaka-chan?"

Sayaka answered, "I dunno, so I'll just parrot what Madoka-chan's mom said. She's really cool, after all! She's beautiful (and at her age, too!), and a career woman on top of that!"

Hitomi sighed, "She makes it look so easy."

Sayaka noted, "So do you, Hitomi-chan. I wish I could have your 'problems'."

Madoka added wistfully, "Me too. I wish I could get a love letter, just one. Even if it was from a boy I don't like, it would at least mean that I'm wanted."

Sayaka stated, "If that's the case, maybe you should become a feminine cutie like Hitomi-chan? You've already started with your hair ribbons, right?"

Madoka pouted, "That's not it! My mama suggested-"

Sayaka interrupted with a sly grin, "I bet your mother taught you the secret to being well-liked! You naughty, naughty girl! That's not like you at all, Madoka-chan! You're too cute for that!" She started chasing after Madoka, then hugged her from behind.

Madoka complained, "Hey, stop that, eh heh heh heh heh!" her own complaint was drowned out by her and Sayaka's laughter.

Sayaka suddenly broke in, "I can't! I won't let any boys take you, for you're going to become my wife!" Sayaka also thought, this feels so good.

Hitomi politely cleared her throat, and told them, "It's almost time for homeroom."

Madoka and Sayaka stopped. The three entered Mitakihara Middle School.

Madoka, Sayaka, and Hitomi were in their classroom. Sayaka stretched as she noted, "Ahhhhh, the salt mine itself; gotta love it."

Madoka stated, "I hope we don't have any pop quizzes today."

They sat down at their desks. Other students were coming in, including a girl with glasses. She had long unkempt black hair held with a black headband and tied into two braids. When Madoka saw her, her heart skipped a beat, That was her in the dream! she thought. But the girl looked so different in real life. Madoka could feel her cheeks heat up as the girl approached her, "Morning everyone."

"Good morning, Homura-chan!" Madoka replied, trying to hide her embarrassment.

"Sup!"

"Good morning, Homura-chan."

Homura went to her seat without saying anything else. Madoka still couldn't believe that the girl she saw in her dream was quiet, reserved Homura Akemi, of all people. She shook that thought out of her head when the homeroom teacher came in. "Everyone in your seats!" She commanded.

Lunchbreak was now underway. Madoka, Sayaka, and Hitomi sat together in the cafeteria when Homura approached them, "May I?"

Madoka smiled, "Of course, Homura-chan! You're always welcome!"

Sayaka added, "It's not like you need to ask permission every time! You're someone we trust!"

Homura quietly replied, "Thank you." She sat down with her tray. She ate her food as she listened to the others talking. She thought to herself, I wish I brought my tape recorder. If I could hear Madoka-chan's voice over and over, it would make me so happy.

She got lost in thought as she stared at Madoka's face, one radiating cheerfulness. She didn't even notice when her face looked concerned, "Is something wrong, Homura-chan?"

"Uh, no, it's just, you seem to be in a good mood, that's all."

Madoka looked more concerned, "Oh. Are you sad? I can try to make you un-sad."

Sayaka and Hitomi concealed their faces, trying not to laugh. Homura said, "No, it's not that. But when you have the chance, you should teach me to smile like you."

Sayaka couldn't contain her laughter anymore. She managed to say, "Yeah, learn to smile like a complete dork!" in-between her laughter.

Madoka pouted, "That's mean, Sayaka-chan!"

Sayaka replied, "Oh, but I wasn't being mean, little Madoka-chan! That wasn't an insult at you! I just can't picture Homura-chan being cheerful like you!"

Madoka glared, "Now you're being mean to Homura-chan!" She began softly punching Sayaka in the shoulder, "Meanie! Meanie! Meanie!"

All of a sudden, the group's cell phones sounded off like they received a text message. Hitomi looked, "Hey look, we got a text from Sakura-san."

The others looked on their phones and found a similar message:

"Sup! I'm bored, so I figured I tell you something. Remember I said I had a friend my age at your school? Mami Tomoe? She wants to meet you. She lives at {location}. She'll be there right after school. You should definitely go; she has food that is fantastic. I'd come myself, but Dad wants me to do stuff later. Peace out."

Madoka remarked, "Hey, this sounds like fun! Any of you up to meeting whoever Mami Tomoe-san is?"

Hitomi stated, "I can't. I'm tied up with clubs today, but maybe some other time."

Sayaka boasted, "I will! Can't hurt to try, won't it?"

Homura murmured, "I can't come. I, uh, wish to concentrate on studying today."

Madoka said, "That's okay. Sayaka-chan and I can scout out for you two."

Homura thought to herself, please forgive me, Madoka-chan. I'm not good with meeting new people. If only I had your strength.

The school day ended when Hitomi left for clubs, "Bye, Hitomi-chan!" Madoka said as she waved.

She, Sayaka, and Homura went outside the campus. Homura told the others, "This is my fork in the road. I'll see you tomorrow."

Madoka replied, "Yeah, see you tomorrow, Homura-chan!"

Once Homura had gone home, Sayaka looked on her cell phone, "Kyoko-san's friend's place shouldn't be too far from here. She even goes to the same school as us."

"I wonder if we'll recognize her."

Kyoko's instructions led the pair in front of a large apartment building. Sayaka noted, "This friend of hers must be loaded to live here." They stepped into the entrance and found the buzzer.

Sayaka picked the apartment number Kyoko said in her email and buzzed in. A young female voice asked, "Who is it?"

"It's Kyoko-san's friends. You in?"

The girl on the other side of the line said, "The front door's unlocked. You may let yourselves in."

"Okay!" Madoka ended. She and Sayaka proceeded to the girl's apartment, "She sounded very nice! I can't wait to meet her!"

"Yeah, she sounded like nobility." They approached the door into her apartment, "This is a Western place, right? Do I have to take my shoes off?"

"I don't know."

They stepped in. The duo was taken aback by what they saw; an apartment furnished with lavish goods, walls painted to reflect light, and a blonde-haired girl sitting by a large kotatsu, "Salutations. I am Mami Tomoe. You must be Kyoko-san's friends."

Madoka bowed, "Uh huh! I'm Madoka Kaname, pleased to meet you!"

Sayaka smiled and pointed her thumb at herself, "And I'm Sayaka Miki!"

Mami said, "I am so glad that you could both make it here. Please, come sit by the kotatsu."

The guests, after slipping off their shoes, came by to Mami, "Wow! Your house is so pretty!" Madoka remarked.

"Thank you."

Sayaka asked, "So, are you the only person here?"

Mami answered, "Yes. My father works overseas, and my mother works until the late evening on weekdays. I usually watch over the apartment at this time of day." There was a pitcher of tea on the kotatsu, as well as teacups. Mami poured some tea, "You may drink as much as you like."

"Thanks!" After the three refreshed themselves, Sayaka asked, "So, what are we gonna do now?"

Mami came back with a question of her own, "I don't know, what do you normally do when you get together?"

Madoka started with, "Usually, Sayaka-chan and I . . ."

By this moment, Mami had become lost in thought, Sayaka Miki-chan is certainly spirited, but she lacks that special something. Madoka Kaname-chan on the other hand.

(door closes) "Help me, Mami! I'm shivering!"

(gasp) "Madoka! How long have you been out in the rain?"

(sniffle) "I don't know, but I'm chilled to the bone!"

"Hang on, sweetie, I'll draw you a hot bath!"

(sniff) "Thank you, dear."

"It's all set. I'll get you a new change of clothes."

"Awwwwwww. This is just what I needed."

"Here, let me blow dry your hair."

"Be sure to ruffle it up too. By the way, I'm hungry, what's to eat?"

"How about pancakes? With syrup and butter?"

"Oooohhhhhhhh! That's my favorite! I'm so happy, I could cry!"

"Anything for you, my adorable lovebug-"

-"There was that one time Hitomi-chan spent the night, and we tried playing Gran Turismo on my papa's Playstation. I lost, though."

Sayaka broke in, "Geez man, how long have you been rambling? Our hostess is starting to look bored!"

Mami put her hands up, waving them, "Oh, don't worry about me! We can continue having a conversation if that's what you want." The three of them stayed at Mami's for a while longer.

"Byeeee~" Madoka said as she and Sayaka parted ways.

Sayaka had a beaming smile on her face, It was nice meeting Mami Tomoe-san, but the only reason I even did that was . . . I just can't separate myself from my sweetheart! I'll go anywhere she does at this point! Oh, wait . . . don't I have to talk to Kyousuke-san about . . . this? Eh, that can wait later! I'm running high on life right now!

Meanwhile, back at Mami's apartment, the blonde girl was thinking, I'm so happy right now. Is this what they call love at first sight? Madoka Kaname-chan is so charming, I can't stop thinking about her! Who would've thought my true love would be . . . another girl? But I don't mind, because she just makes me feel so . . . alive!

And in Homura's apartment, the black-haired girl was holding onto a pillow while sitting on her bed, It's so strange. When I'm with you, I feel relaxed, knowing you're fine, but at the same time, your presence, makes my heart race. It's like you make me relaxed . . . yet enthralled at the same time. In short, that makes them the reasons I need you, Madoka-chan.

[Omake for chapter 1: How you can tell this fanfic is an AU]

I need you, Madoka-chan.

"I can make your desire come true," Kyubey said, while licking itself, "If you make the contract with me."

Homura gasped, "R-Really? You can make her . . . feel for me the way I feel for her?"

Kyubey, blankly staring, answered, "Yes. Of course, you will need to fight witches to survive, but if you become a Puella Magi, I can make that happen."

[a few days later]

Superpowers, and hugs and cuddles with my favorite pinkhead . . . I'm the happiest girl in the world!

[A few days later]

Walpurgis Night just powned Homura. As she lay dying, her last thoughts were I hate you, Kyubey. If I had known the price for hardcore yuri-ism would've been this, then I would've hacked your hide to pieces instead. I just hope that Madoka and I can reunite in Puella Magi Heaven. Mmm, Puella Magi Heaven; there's gotta be more yuri-inclined magical girls there.

[one day later]

Mitakihara City was in ruin. Most people survived, but were now living in shelters. Madoka was hiding in a restroom stall, sitting in a fetal position and crying. Then Kyubey appeared, "I bring news. A powerful witch was killed, but your love interest perished."

Madoka said through tears, "Homura . . . Homura . . ." then became incomprehensible through her crying.

Kyubey continued, "It doesn't have to be this way, Madoka Kaname. If you were to become a Puella Magi, you could undue all the damage and all the heartache you are experiencing. Just wish for it, and I will make it happen.

[A few days later]

Kyubey saw Earth burning, "Kriemhild Gretchen; it's been centuries since a witch this powerful emerged. Although this planet is doomed, the emotional release from the Earth people should be enough to offset entropy for a little while. Now to seek another world."

[Bad End.]

[Author's Note: This is how the series could have ended. Be grateful Urobuchi-san, for once, felt a little forgiving for the masses when making the series.]