1. I must never sing, or even hum the words or tune to "All I Ask of You".

2. Stealing Erik's undergarments and cuddling them is not appropriate.

3. Erik does not allow anyone but himself to touch the organ. Therefore, I must never touch the organ.

4. I must not make phangirl jokes about the organ when Erik is within hearing range.

5. I must resist the urge to morph into a Mary-Sue.

6. I must never ask Erik to give me swimming lessons…naked.

7. I must never spy on Erik when he is bathing.

8. I must never play with Erik's Punjab lasso.

9. I must never remove Erik's mask without his permission.

10. I must never ask for Erik's permission to remove his mask.

11. I must never remove Erik's clothes without his permission…

12. The words "Raoul", "Vicomte," and "de Chagny" are curse words. If I use them, Erik will wash my mouth out with soap. Therefore, I must not use them in any context whatsoever.

13. When Erik is sleeping, I must never sneak into his room and shout, "BOO!"

14. I must never climb into the coffin while Erik is sleeping.

15. I must never use the coffin as a floating device.

16. Auctioning off the swan bed on Ebay so that I can sleep in the coffin with Erik seems like a very good idea. It's not.

17. Telling Erik I auctioned off the swan bed on Ebay, and then explaining why, is an even worse idea.

18. I must never take apart Erik's organ then attempt to put it back together. I will fail.

19. Putting on a long curly wig and dressing up in a wedding dress will not, contrary to even more popular belief, endear me to Erik.

20. Reading Erik/Raoul slash out loud is unacceptable and often fatal.

21. Drawing a handlebar mustache and thick, nerdy glasses on all of Erik's paintings of Christine is only funny until Erik happens to find said desecrated paintings under the Louis-Philippe room rug.

22. Reading self-insertion Erik x Me phics out loud so that he will "take a hint" is neither a cerebral nor successful means of seduction.

23. I must never play with the lever that controls the gate, however fun it is to say "Up! And down! And up! And down!" while pulling it back and forth.

24. When about to sail through the underground lake with Erik, it is very inappropriate, no matter how tempting, to shout, "Save the gondola! Ride the Phantom!"

25. Telling Erik that black is a sign of sexual desire, and then saying coquettishly, "Hmm…you must be famished," while running fingers up his arm, will not end as blissfully as hoped.

26. When telling Erik about "Operation: Fop, Meet My Cheesegrater", I must never let slip about "Operation: Christine, Meet My Baseball Bat."

27. I must never dress up in Erik's Red Death costume.

28. I must never playfully poke Erik with my finger, esp. when he has a sword.

29. I must never play with Erik's dolls.

30. I must never sneak up on Erik from behind, esp. when he has the Punjab lasso.

31. I must never call Erik "Mister Nose-less."

32. I must never loudly comment about pedophilic tendencies of certain masked persons whenever Erik begins to speak of or sing about Christine.

33. I must never dress up in Erik's cape, no matter how fun it is to swirl around and say in a deep voice, "Behold! I am the Phantom of the Opera! Bow before me! I sing! I am all-powerful! I need to get laid!"

34. Doing the above will not stimulate a warm response, nor will it—contrary to what logic might dictate—cause Erik to take a hint.

35. I must never touch Erik's violin.

36. I must never hold up several different-sized jars and flirtatiously ask which one would be big enough to hold…well. You know.

37. I must never bother Erik when he is composing.

38. I must never, ever glomp Erik when he is composing.

39. I must never use Erik's music scores for doodling funny faces and cartoons of Christine with fangs and a pitchfork.

40. I must never leave my "Plans for Luring Christine Into The Torture-Chamber" lying in plain sight.

41. Convincing Erik to play "Spin The Bottle," no matter how entertaining this might seem, ultimately backfires once a realization of the game's purpose dawns upon the object of my desire.

42. I must never sing like Avril Lavigne.

43. Dumping my breakfast on Erik's wig and licking it off seems like a capital idea, but it's not.

44. Force-feeding Erik does not work, nor is it a particularly bright idea.

45. Giving Erik a pamphlet entitled "Anorexia: What To Do When An Eating Disorder Consumes You" does not work either.

46. Suggesting that Erik attend a wedding with self and then when he asks whose wedding, self saying in a surprised tone "Why, our wedding!" is, no matter how one looks at it, a stupid idea.

47. I must never, under any circumstances, yodel.

48. Kicking Ayesha is not a particularly brilliant plan.

49. De-clawing Ayesha must never be attempted without Erik's approval and the supervision of a veterinarian.

50. I must never bark at Ayesha.