Lily Potter's Sacrifice

Sinister Spiders

Homecoming

20th of November 1979

She knocked on the door, the sounds of her drumming drowned out by the torrential rain around her. Her clothing was soaked, her hair dripping wet and plastered to her face, but none of this bothered her. It was the searing heat of her tears tracing scalding paths down her cheeks that she could feel the most. She waited in the rain, heart thundering, in front of the door at the end of the road hoping beyond all reason that he was home.

The night sky was suddenly filled with a brilliant white light, the sound of electricity crackling through the air, casting the industrial area in an eerie hue. But a moment later a clap of thunder louder than any she had hear before made her jump in fear and look around- the storm was coming closer. The heavy rain and pregnant night could hide any number of dark creatures or shadowy figures. It was too dangerous for her to be here, on her own, but she couldn't stay at home. Another bolt of lightning lit up the sky and Lily shuddered. She had to leave. Now.

Lily Potter turned to cast a wistful glance at the door but let out a gasp of shock at the figure unexpectedly standing in the now open entry.

"Lily?" Disbelieving; his deep baritone voice rung clear through the night and straight into her soul.

"Severus." She whispered, looking at him through eyes aching from hours of crying. He held his arms wide open and she fell into them without a second thought. "Oh Severus." She cried into his chest as he folded himself around her in a surprisingly warm embrace. And just like that, she knew she was home.

Shattered

23rd of November 1979

"Lily?" James' voice echoed through the upstairs hallway of their house in Godric's Hollow, but Lily was too stunned to move or respond. His footsteps thundered down the hall and he called her name again. "Lily?" The door to the bedroom creaked open and his mop of messy black hair came into view as he peered in. "Don't scare me like that! I had no idea where you were!" She nodded mutely as he chastised her, her eyes never leaving the tip of her wand, which was shooting a stunning array of brilliant but tiny gold sparks.

Lily Potter looked up at her husband, eyebrows furrowed, and then back at her wand.

"Why is your wand doing that?" He asked, an eyebrow raised in puzzlement.

"Experior Gravida." She replied softly.

"What?" He asked taking a step towards her carefully, clearly unsure of what to make of her strange behavior. "Lily what are you talking about?"

"Experior Gravida." She repeated, slowly shaking herself out of the stupor she had fallen into. "James- I'm pregnant."

James's mouth dropped open in shock and he wide eyes darted to her stomach. She waited, breath held, for a reaction- wanting anything other than this ambivalent surprise. Then it came; he raced over to her and wrapped his arms around her, lifting her off the bed and twirling her around, his loud whoops filling the house with the pure sound of joy.

Despite the miraculous ball of life growing inside her and her husband's overwhelming joy a sense of dread turned her skin cold and her heart to ice.

Purpose

14th of August 1980

Thick black hair. Startling bluish-green eyes. Porcelain skin. Perfectly formed miniature hands balled into fists with a grip stronger than vice. Harry James Potter.

A tear escaped Lily Potter's tightly clenched eyes her mind drifted back to the day nearly a year ago when she had fled to Spinner's End. As she remembered the terrible fight she had with James that sent her there her anger flared anew. Then, when she thought of the feeling of being in Severus's strong embrace, the anger was replaced by an overwhelming sense of longing.

It wasn't that she didn't love James- nothing could be further from the truth. But their relationship had changed in the years since they left Hogwarts. After the horrible day when Severus had called her a Mudblood she had ended their clandestine relationship; she was sick of rationalizing his elitist world view and justifying his pervasive interest in the Dark Arts. It was difficult for Lily to do that, as she did still love him, but she longer believed that they could have a future together. James, however, came along like a shooting star- radiant and filled with promises. He was charming, kind and exceedingly brave. He was the polar opposite of Severus Snape. James was everything that Severus wasn't and that was what she needed at that time.

After they left Hogwarts James's relentless bravado and inflated ego slowly returned to the level it had been in during his prime years of Hogwarts. As soon as they had joined the Order of the Phoenix he had become something that she could no longer handle. He had become just like Severus, equally as extreme, just with different opinions. He became unintentionally condescending and controlling, Lily had been his "beautiful Muggle-born wife"- a trophy for the cause. Despite this she still loved him, knowing that his occasional comments were borne out of the stress caused by the war and his part in it. However, the constant strain it placed on their relationship left her feeling as though they were more like brother and sister than husband and wife. There would always be a place in her heart for him; just a different one.

Lily was able to handle the occasional flippant references to blood status but when James begun to come home from his shifts with the Order and told her in jovial tones of the Death Eaters he and Sirius had cornered and tortured she barely managed to stop herself from dry-reaching. What if that was Severus that he was talking about one day? He was still a person- as all these Death Eaters were- and the fact that James was so dismissive of their humanity and willing to justify his grotesque actions as justice made her sick.

Despite the change in her Husband Lily was willing to remain with him. But everything changed on the 20th of November. She had come home early from work that day, around lunch time, and two hours before James usually arrived. There, on the kitchen table, was a letter addressed to her. The spider writing and deep green ink was just as she remembered it. Unable to help herself she rushed open and broke the seal. What if something had happened? Maybe he was hurt…

As Lily read the letter her entire body filled with burning hot rage. According to what Severus had written, this was only one of many letters that he had been sending her over the past three years since they had left Hogwarts. Three years worth of letters that she had never received. According to Severus, the last one had contained an invitation to his mother's funeral, an invitation that she had no chance to accept.

Lily spent the next two hours pulling out every draw in the house and tipping their contents onto the floor. She looked through the scattered odds, ends and ephemera frantically; hoping to find even a scrap of the many letters he had written to her. Just as she reached the final chest of draws she heard the front door open and then slam shut followed by a loud obscenity in James' rough voice. She turned and bound down the stairs two at a time, descending the two levels of their house in a blur of red and white.

"What the hell is this?" She asked, brandishing the letter at James angrily, her chest heaving with the rage that was desperate to escape from deep within her.

For three years he had burnt the letters. Every last one of them. That was why she could not find any. James Potter had taken letters addressed solely to her and banished their contents into oblivion. He told her that she was better off without 'Snivellus', that she was better off ignoring him completely, that he was helping her. He had taken control of a part of her life without her consent or consciousness and had presumed that he knew what she needed better than even she did. Severus had been inclined to believe that "Magic is Might". James believed that "James is Might". Behind his sparkling veneer of a campaigner for the oppressed he was willing to engage in the very behavior he preached against.

Before she had fled from the house he had stopped her with a single question. "What would you have done with the letters anyway?" He had asked. She turned to see the shadow of self-doubt and a deep-seated sense of insecurity within his eyes. "I don't know," she replied acidly "I have never had the chance to think about it.". As the door slammed behind her she knew that what was bothering her was not the fact that he burnt the letters, but that he had unflinchingly stolen her autonomy from her.

That made Lily's mind up for her. As much as she loved James she knew that she could no longer trust him. She knew now that he didn't consider her right to freedom and choice on par with his own. With this realization the barely contained part of her heart that was dedicated to Severus, her first love, burst from it's confines with the power of a herd of wild stallions. While she didn't agree with everything Severus believed in he had never, not even once, tried to control her.

That night, on the twentieth of November, she had escaped into Severus' embrace. The next morning she returned to Godric's Hollow with the intention of getting her affairs in order so that she could leave James. She planned to tell him on the weekend. However, a mere twenty-four hours before she was going to tell him that she planned to leave him, she had discovered that she was pregnant with his child. Pregnant with the child of James Potter.

Lily Potter looked at the unbelievably tiny baby in her arms. The mirror image his father. And knew that she had the strength to return her love of Severus to its prison in the depths of her heart so that she could forgive James for his ills and love him again. She would love James again; for Harry's sake.

For Harry; she would make the ultimate sacrifice.

A/N: Written for the "What My Spouse Doesn't Know" Challenge issued by ReillyJade (on the HPFC forum). I will write a second chapter for this from Snape's perspective and upload it as soon as I get the chance.

Thanks for reading. Please feel free to review and let me know what you thought of it!