Wishful Thinking

The Older I Get

It was the first time she followed through on her promise.

The walls between

You and I

Always pushing us apart

nothing left but scars fight after fight

She didn't come back. He gave it a week before he really started to get antsy.

After two weeks he was really worried, she'd only been gone this long once before and that was because her work made her travel somewhere. He doubted that was the case this time around.

Two weeks somehow turned into a month and he knew it; she wasn't coming back. From the two week mark on he promised himself that if she came back he'd be kinder to her, treat her better. He didn't want her to leave again. He hated it when she left.

Next time—if there was a next time— he wouldn't sleep with other girls. He'd become a better person for her. Because when he finally admitted it to himself, he realized how much he loved her.

The space between
Our calm and rage
started growing shorter , disappearing slowly day after day

But now she was gone, and he had no way of finding her. He tried going to her apartment, only to find it completely vacant, with no trace of where she went.

She had disappeared and he had let his angel fly away. He didn't want to admit she was right. That he would miss her— that she was too good for him. But she had been right, he didn't deserve her.

The ache in his heart was unfamiliar and painful and he knew that only Cammie could make it go away.

Maybe he would grow up, like Cammie said. But maybe he'd grow out of her too.

He waited for her anyway.

I was sitting there waiting in my room for you
You were waiting for me too
And it makes me wonder

:*:*:*:

Two years later

The older I get
Will I get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed

The ache in his heart never dulled, always a constant pain he could count on. He often sat in his room, staring at picture she had taken of them, both smiling childishly.

He then picked up the magazine on the bedside table. There on the cover, was the overnight popular actress; Cammie Morgan.

She looked better then he'd ever seen her. Her skin was glowing, her lips turned up into a genuine smile he recognized. She was gorgeously happy, and she had finally found her place in the world.

I didn't know then it would hurt like this but I think
The older I get
Maybe I'll get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

He knew she'd never take him back now. Not when she knew she could do so much better. He was just and underpaid douchebag that treated her like he owned her.

And even though he knew he'd never be good for her, he wanted to try anyway.

He ditched his sketchy job and went to community college with the little money he had saved from his parents inheritance. He quit smoking and drinking. He wanted to be better, even if he could never have her. He wanted, if only for a moment, for her to come back and see that she had impacted him. That he did care about her.

The ache got a little less painful every time he thought of her in a way that he thought would make her proud.

The time between

Those cutting words

Built up our defenses never made no sense

it just made me hurt

But every time he was picture of her and some tool on a magazine the pain would come back stronger. It didn't seem fair to him: to lose someone and only realize how much you loved them afterwards. But he supposed that was karma for his terrible ways.

If he wanted even a slight chance with his former angel he'd have to make her see that he changed.

Even though he knew she wouldn't believe he'd changed. She didn't think people could change.

And maybe he hadn't exactly changed, but he had grown up. He grew up into the man Cammie always knew he had the capability to be. He grew in a respectful man that didn't treat anybody like and object, much less women.

Do you believe
That time heals all wounds
It started getting better but it's easy not to fight when I'm not with you

Those two years he believed she would never come back.

The ache in his heart grew, and he didn't think it couldn't get worse.

Wasn't time supposed to heal old wounds? Not make them worse.

The older I get
Will I get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed

:*:*:*:

Two More Years Later

I didn't know then it would hurt like this but I think
The older I get
Maybe I'll get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

If he had had any idea about how much losing her hurt he would never had let her go. He would do anything she'd say he'd give her life for her. He'd give his own life to make the pain go away.

But he wouldn't do that, it would be too easy. He deserved the hurt. But if he was being honest, he still longed for a chance with her, a buried fire deep in his heart.

He hoped he'd randomly bump into her. He hoped that for some unexplainable reason she'd return to him, and he could prove to her how much she meant to him.

But after a while pretending couldn't cut it for him anymore.

He decided he needed to see her.

I can't believe it still hurts like this

:*:*:*:

Three Weeks Later

He he pulled up the massive house in Roseville Virginia, where he knew her parents resided. He vaguely remembered her mentioning something about it during their time together.

It was Thanksgiving, and he hoped she'd be home for the holidays. He figured it would be the best time to get some one-on-one time with her.

Zach knocked on the big brass door of the ancient but magnificent mansion that resided at the bottom of a steep hill.

He didn't know who to expect to answer the door but it certainly wasn't a small child, probably not even five.

He grinned a toothless smile up at Zach.

"Hiya Mister," he said, his face completely happy and curious. "How can I help ya?"

Zach wasn't sure what to think about the child. Cammie had never mentioned any brothers or sisters. . .

"Is Cammie here?" Zach asked, wondering if he was even at the right house.

But the boy giggled, and nodded, just before a tall, broad man appeared behind him, scooping the child into his arms.

"Hello," the man greeted with a kindly smile. "And who are you?"

"Zach," he replied. "Zach Goode."

The man looked him over. "Something I can help you with?"

"Is Cammie here? Cammie Morgan?" Zach asked.

The man eyebrows squinted together. "Are you press?"

"Um no. . ."

"How do you know her?"

"We're friends."

"I never heard her mention you before."

"Um. . ." Zach looked around, uncomfortable. "I wasn't really a good friend."

The man's eyes clouded over, hiding his expression. "I'm Grant."

He held his hand out, and Zach shook it quickly, still looking at the child in his arms. Was this Cammie's boyfriend or something?

"Yeah she's here," he sighed. "I'll go see if she wants to talk to you."

"Er thanks."

"Here can you watch Ethan for a second?" he said, already handing over the child to a perplexed Zach. Who gave a child to a man they'd only just met? "He tends to wander."

Zach stood awkwardly in the foyer, holding the curious child in his arms. Grant gave him a thankful smile before disappearing up the stairs.

When he returned there was a woman following behind him. She was so regal Zach did not recognize her at first.

What was I waiting for
I should've taken less and given you more
I should've weathered the storm

Her hair was shorter, but thicker and more healthy. Her skinny body had filled out and she was the perfect size. Her skin was clear and glowy. Zach had once heard people get prettier as they age. This was completely true in her case. She was only twenty four but in the four years since he'd seen her she looked so much older.

Her eyes were the same, except they weren't filled with hatred or disappointment. Instead curiosity, along with a guarded look he couldn't quite decipher.

"Why is he holding Ethan?" she muttered to Grant, low enough so that Zach couldn't hear.

Grant looked back at her. "Should he not be?"

"He's not the safest person on the planet," she muttered, deliberately ignoring the funny feeling she got in her stomach.

Grant shrugged before walking up to Zach, rekindling Ethan and walking out, only speaking a few words.

"Hi," he said to her.

She looked at him, almost expectantly. "Why are you here?"

She didn't look very happy.

"I'm here to apologize," he said, the words flying out of his mouth without his consent.

I need to say so bad

She raised an eyebrow and he could almost see the anger building in her eyes. "A little late for that don't ya think?"

He shrugged, "you deserve it regardless."

"And what is it you're here to apologize for?" she asked. She wanted him to say it.

"I'm sorry for everything," he said, taking a breath. "I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I cheated on you. I'm sorry that I was so selfish I ruined you. I'm sorry I treated you like an object. I'm sorry I was such a goddamned asshole. And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I loved you back," he looked at her, noticing that her eyes were glazing over. Then he said softly, "but most of all I'm sorry I didn't stop you when you said you were never coming back."

By this time the tears were gathered in her eyes, threatening to fall.

What were you waiting for
This could have been the best we ever had

"I'm sorry for all of it," he said, his eyes penetrating hers.

"Why are you doing this now?" she wondered, desperately trying not to cry at the sincerity behind his words. "To me. To my family."

Her family. Ethan must be her kid.

"And I guess I'm sorry for coming here too and running your holiday," he said, already heading towards the door.

"You didn't ruin it," she said, feeling frustrated as one tears leaked down her face.

"I'm sorry your husband must be—"

She looked confused. "I'm not married."

The older I get
Will I get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed

Umm…

"You're not?"

"No," she said, still looking confused. "Oh!" she said, as a light bulb went off in her head. "You're talking about Grant! No he's my cousin. Gross."

"Cousin?" Zach echoed.

"Yeah so is Ethan," she said. "Just in case you though he was my kid or something."

"Oh," he said, feeling extraordinarily relieved. He then noticed her tears that still dripped down her face.

"I'm sor—"

"Zach," she cut him off. And just as she was about to say something he spoke again.

It's been way too long for the times we missed

"I want you know that since you left I have grown up. Just like you said I would. I do regret everything that I did to you, but you were right to leave me," he said. "I didn't deserve you and I asked for too much and didn't give you anything in return."

She didn't say anything for a minute but stared back at his green eyes, the same green eyes that had captivated her so many years ago. The green eyes that once knew hurt and anger were now associated with comfort and compassion.

I'm just getting older
I'm not getting over you I'm trying to

She didn't know how to answer, but for the moment she couldn't think of all the bad things he did to her, couldn't think of the times he made her so angry she wanted to pull her hair out. Right now all she could see was him, Zach. The one the remembered when he called her his angel, on the occasion when he treated her like a princess.

For the past few years she had chosen to remember all the bad things but seeing him here like this, completely vulnerable and open to her she remembered the good. When he showered her in gifts on her birthday. When he'd kiss her senseless and she forgot how to breathe.

And despite everything she wanted it back.

So she smiled at him and said, "Would you like to join us for dinner?"

I wish it didn't hurt like this
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

Zach grinned despite her tactic to avoid the matter at hand. "I would love to."

Disclaimer: Lyrics belong to Skillet

I updated super quickly :) yay for me. Alright so this was the end. I left it really open but sometimes I like it like that. I hope yall enjoyed and now I've got this story out of my head I can get back to writing Fish Tale :P

Hope you like the song (and the story)

:):)
Review.