Beta by Evvie ( ffn/u/2181211/evvie ). She's an amazing writer and you should read her stories instead of this one. I mean it.

I own nothing.

Weaknesses

Skipper was so paranoid it was almost hilarious. Private just couldn't be impolite to anyone. Rico wasn't allowed to play with matches.

Kowalski was asleep with his head on a plate. He spent the whole night trying to improve the alarm clock.

Routine

Marlene shook her head, amused and pointed at Julien and Skipper. They were having an argument for the third time that day.

"They're so married,"she chuckled.

Kowalski and Rico gave a nod, trying not to laugh. Private frowned.

A mistake

The bang echoed through the room. The force of the explosion got the lab door off the hinges and sent it all the way to the opposite wall. Toxic smoke was rapidly filling the headquarters. The floor was covered in pieces of shattered glass. Where the coffeemaker once stood, there was a cooling puddle of melted metal.

"The good news is that this time, I'm pretty sure where I've made the mistake," Kowalski said cheerfully, trying to put out the fire on his feathers.

The truth

It was obvious that something was nagging Private. He had been wearing a frown for the whole day and Skipper couldn't help but smile at seeing his creased eyebrows.

"Kowalski," he said finally. "What happened between you and Doris?"

An awkward silence fell. The tall penguin cautiously didn't change his expression.

"Nothing happened." He answered, preparing to leave the table. "Skipper, may I ask for permission to continue my research into the molecular structure of the cod smell?"

"Permission granted."

"I was hoping he would finally tell me," Private complained when Kowalski disappeared into the laboratory.

His leader tsk-tsked with disapproval.

"He did tell you. Nothing happened. And that's the problem."

A muffled sob was heard from behind the door.

Good manners

"Boys, I would love to present to you special agent XXS, known by some as Johnny Doe," said Skipper. He took a step to the left and revealed an elderly sparrow.

"It is an honor to meet you, sir!" Uttered Kowalski eagerly and performed an awkward salute. Rico gave an unintelligible sound, nodding fervently.

Skipper could have sworn he saw Private curtsy.

Confessions

Rico gave his reflection a critical look. He spat on his flipper and tried to smooth down the feathers that stood up at the top of his head. It didn't change anything.

He threw up a bouquet and rearranged the flowers cautiously. After a moment of thought, he threw up a red ribbon as well and tied it into a bow.

He walked nonchalantly through the headquarters. He stopped under the laboratory door, hesitant. Kowalski was mumbling quietly, repeating some random words. After a moment, he grunted and read the results of his work aloud.

If my heart breaks and I lie in my coffin

Will you regret it, Doris the dolphin?

Will you shed a tear or two for my love

When angels take me to the sky above?

Rico shook his head and decided against opening the door. Miss Perky was going to be so happy when he brings her the flowers.

Twenty questions

Kowalski did his best to hide the growing frustration.

"Does it live underwater?"

"Yes... and nooo," said Skipper, obviously pleased with himself.

"Is that the spirit of adventure once again, sir?"

"Negative. You've just wasted your last question, Kowalski. It was you."

The taller one opened his beak as if he wanted to say something and decided not to.

"What did you mean: 'intelligent and not?" He spat after a moment of intense thought.

Pretty head

"Gentlemen, today we're going to learn how to defend ourselves from hidden enemies with kitchen utensils."

The youngest of the penguins raised his flipper sheepishly.

"But Skippa, how are we supposed to defend ourselves from someone who's hidden?"

'With a fork and knife, young Private. A fork and knife."

"But Skippa," the boy didn't give up. "If we don't see him, how are we supposed to know he's our enemy and not our friend? It might be someone who doesn't even know we exist!"

"Well, ain't this boy cute and innocent," the leader rolled his eyes, amused. "Would he hide if he was a friend?"

"But–"

"Don't you worry your pretty little head about it, Private."

Rico and Kowalski exchanged knowing glances.

Struggle

Even though Kowalski tended to use the longest words and talk for a few minutes without taking a breath, when it came to expressing his emotions and feelings, he was at loss.

Anatomy

Skipper was the first to get to half-conscious Rico.

"How many fingers do you see?" he asked, waving a flipper in front of his eyes.

"It's a tricky question," Kowalski whispered helpfully.

Sympathy

Private was lying under three woolen blankets and watched the Lunacorns on TV with feverish eyes. Once in a while, the show was interrupted by a coughing attack.

"Private, how is it even possible for you to catch a cold? For Oppenheimer's sake, you're a penguin!" Inquired Kowalski. He couldn't hide his annoyance. When he wasn't able to find a scientific explanation, he felt personally insulted.

Literal

"I'd have to be bananas to help you. And if I had, there would be plenty of me. All yellow and funny shaped. Am I yellow and funny shaped, Ringtail?"

Secrets

It was hard to believe, but Rico was an artist. Even though he didn't have opposable thumbs he was able to perform miracles with a pencil. Everyone, who looked at his pictures could easily expect them to come to life and leave the paper in hurry.

"Aw, come on!" Kowalski was impatiently trying to have a look at the sheet of paper. Rico was nervously covering it with both his flippers, glad that the feathers let his blush go unnoticed.

For science

"I took the liberty of making some amendments while you were asleep," Kowalski explained, beaming.

Rico decided to order a pizza. The small atomic pile attached to the cutting board didn't inspire confidence.

Relationships

"Skippa, what is this whole marriage thing about?" Private inquired, while washing the dishes. When he was finished, he wiped his flippers off on his favorite apron.

Common language

"It's all up to you now, Rico," Skipper groaned, trying to free himself. He was buried under a stack of heavy metal boxes. Private lay unconscious nearby. "Take the remote away from this madman or we're all gonna die painfully, soldier."

"You must reverse the polarity and change the transmission signal from infrared to ultra-short waves," moaned Kowalski who was glued to a wall with titanium enriched bubblegum. "Then synchronize them with the frequency of–"

His voice trailed off as he notices Rico's expression.

"Just push the green button and turn the yellow knob," he added lamely.

Romanticism

Private glanced at Julien from behind a plate full of mangoes. On the table between them stood a lone candle stuck into a plastic cup. He was trying to be polite and listen to his interlocutor but he wasn't able to focus on his rant for longer than five seconds.

He sighed in relief as his leader suddenly appeared in front of the lemur.

"What's the meaning of this, Ringtail? You have just crossed a thin red line!"

"Have I? Oooh yes, I did have! I have been crossing that line on and on and on and it's not just some stupid thin line! It's a thick line of brave boldnessy."

"I don't recall giving you permission to waste my soldier's time on –" Skipper gave the table a skeptical glance " – candlelight dinners. Especially in the middle of the day."

Julien smiled slyly.

"Maurice, I've just won the bet that you've just lost. To me, for this funny little brain of yours couldn't compete with my kingly wisdom!" He exclaimed. A weary sigh could be heard from under the table.

"I was right and you weren't right because I am spending every day rubbing my furry elbows with the sky spirits and you are just of the sad poor plebs." Julien carried on. "The bossy penguin who likes to order everyone around as if he was a king – and I'm not going to point my kingly finger at the real king here – the bossy penguin won't let anyone but him to be romancing with the cuddly one."

Gifted

"Kowalski, analysis!"

"It seems that Rico is intoxicated with the sense of power the chainsaw gives him and he won't calm down until the whole world is an abyss of destruction, a dark pit in which a few tragically crippled survivors crawl, begging for death."

Private took a step away from his colleague. Skipper was impressed.

"Well, well, Kowalski. Ever considered being a poet?"

Diplomacy

"Gentlemen, we must approach this mission with the utmost delicacy. Tact and subtlety are going to be our new operating names," ordered Skipper, while pacing with his flippers folded behind his back.

"Kaboom?" gurgled Rico hopefully and threw up a stick of dynamite.

"Have you gone mad, soldier? Dynamite is not the answer to every problem!"

Rico couldn't help but feel disappointed.

"Perhaps you have a gallon of pure nitroglycerine instead?" His leader asked.

Five

The penguins looked skeptically at Kowalski's actions.

"Are you sure you don't want to look it up in the manual, soldier?"

"With all due respect, sir," said the scientist, wiping sweat off his forehead. "Manuals were created for the weak minds which are unable to multiply two by two."

The microwave gave a quiet twang and poured out lots of green goo. It was supposed to be Private's cereal.

A dream

"Skippa, could we keep a pet in here?"

"For God's sake, Private, you're an animal! Where do you even get these ideas from?"

The next day Private got a small battery-powered dog. No one said a word about suddenly decreased snow cone funds.

At least, not on the lemurs

It had been almost half an hour since Kowalski hid in the closet. He could hear loud music coming from outside. Blasting penguin mating calls had no effect. At least, not on the lemurs.

Rico was wandering through the headquarters, looking for the tall penguin. He was followed by a heavy scent of cologne.

Banjo

Private would have never suspected Kowalski of having a musical talent.

Kowalski would have never suspected that he could get caught behind the sound-proof walls of his laboratory playing sad ballads.

Help

Private was gazing at a small rock on the ground with maximum interest. He shifted uneasily.

"Marlene, could you tell me anything about courting?" He finally muttered.

Phobia

Kowalski wasn't really good at hiding panic. His voice was getting higher-pitched with every word.

"There is no such an option, sir! You are going to need strategic support from the outside. While you're inside I'm going to be watching if someone appears nearby and becomes a danger to our mission. As I am the tallest one, evolution has equipped me with the ability to watch out for predators and–"

His voice was cut off abruptly and he brought his flipper up to his freshly slapped cheek.

"Get a hold of yourself, soldier! We're going in together and we're going out together. Remember you're doing it for the homeland!"

"And what exactly does Poland have to do with anything?" whined Kowalski, knowing he was just being silly. Everyone knew he couldn't say a word in Polish.

He was going to enter the dentist's office.

Telly

A bulky commando guy spat and threw the cigarette ember away. The gasoline containers behind his back burst into flames when he reached for the rifle.

"Time to party," he said in a husky voice.

The screen was once again splashed with blood. Skipper felt Private's flipper tighten around his.

A habit

Some days Rico would go all the way to the other end of the zoo just to throw some rubbish into Doris's pool.