Few things to note before you start reading, respawn is used in this story, as is their inability to fire at members of their own team, as my own personal belief leads to thinking that if they could shoot each other they'd spend more time doing that than shooting at the other team. Also: this will be gen. This was really just a silly little idea I had due to the consistent calls for Spy's to be able to disguise themselves as Sentries and Dispensers. I say...why stop there? Yep, expect insanity.

...

"I bet he can't do it." The voice came from a young man, an apple as red as his team shirt clasped in one athletic-tape wrapped hand that he was munching on contentedly. He sat backwards on a chair next to another older man in an orange hard hat, watching in boredom as the Engineer continued tweaking whatever new invention he was working on.

"Now, boy, I wouldn't be too sure, that Spook…well, he can be pretty damn tricky." An orange and gray gloved hand wielded a wrench with expert precision, tightening the bolts clinically and efficiently.

"So? There's a few rules, right? One of them is you can't turn into inanimate objects." Scout gestured with his apple, biting into it pointedly.

"I ain't so sure that's a rule. It might be more like a…limitation. You know, this entire war is so much like a game anyway; it's possible that his equipment might have enforced guidelines on it. You know, to keep the playing field level. If he had the means, he could, he just doesn't have the means." Engineer replaced the wrench gently, peering through his goggles at the inner workings one last time before closing it up.

"Psh, I don't know about you man, but I could totally take him out even if he could turn into anything and everything." He scratched under the brown ball cap on his head, adjusting the earpiece overtop of it, eyes rolling as he rebuffed him.

"Sure you could in this proposed hypothetical situation. He'd be on your team so you could see through whatever odd object he was trying to disguise himself as." His right gloved hand removed his backwards orange helmet, scratching at his bald head with his other hand as he considered the device in front of him and sighed, placing his helmet next to him on the workbench.

"You're way too literal, man."

Engineer smiled at that and nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah, you might actually be right there. Get back now, I'm gonna see if this thing works."

"What's it do anyway?" Scout asked, backing away as he had been instructed, the Engineer replacing his helmet, flipping it the right way around just in case. A moment's hesitation led to him ushering the Scout back to stand behind a wooden barrier with him. The younger man stood behind him immediately after he realized why precisely they were standing there. "Holy shit, it's not gonna explode is it?"

"It's supposed to be a prototype for a new sentry." He deliberately answered the first question, and held up a remote for it, the Scout watching with wide eyes. After a beat or two and with a wide eerie smile, the Engineer finished, "It shouldn't explode…but I've been wrong before. Now let's see here…"

He fiddled with the remote for a moment and Scout flinched back as the 'sentry' moved. It seemed to be a basic level three sentry, rockets, miniguns, the usual, only it was apparently supposed to walk. The realization made the Scout's eyes widen as he peered out around the Engineers shoulder, watching as it slowly stood up tentatively, wobbling shakily on reversed metallic legs that were attached to the base through a series of connections that baffled him. The hydraulics hissed as it shifted its balance, leaning slightly forward, the ball joint that stood for its hip rolled, swinging the heavy leg forward, three 'toes' spreading out like a birds', taking the weight of the machine.

They leaned towards it, watching with bated breath as it swung another step forward. Finally the Engineer grinned widely and swiveled the stick, the two of them watching as it moved it's 'arms' to aim at the far wall and opened fire, taking a few steps as it did so. Scout let out a whoop at the destruction it caused, pock marking the metal walls with bullet holes, taking step after step forward until it was practically jogging. The grins on their faces were identical, the Engineer letting out a triumphant cry at seeing his baby performing at standards he couldn't have expected. It was then that the worst happened.

Just as the Engineer attempted to turn it around, sparks began flying from one of the legs, the miniguns jamming violently. There was a sound of grinding gears and twisting metal, the RED sentry convulsing horribly, Engie's mouth falling open in horror. Finally, the sentry exploded, the Scout shoving the Engineer's head down behind the barrier, metal debris ballooning outwards in a blast of fire and smoke, a single shard impaling the wall just where the Engineer's head had been. Finally, silence.

The Scout took a few deep breaths, patting himself down with his hands to make certain everything was in one piece, finally letting out a sigh of relief when he realized everything was there. He let out a shaky laugh, "Man, that was close, huh? You alright, Engie? …Engie?"

The shorter man was frowning, goggles fixed on the black and smoking scorch mark on the floor. Next moment the goggles and hardhat were ripped off in a violent display of anger that led to them sailing across the room and the Engineer practically hopping up and down in his fury as he spat out various curses. Scout backed up hurriedly, running past the barrier that had metal shards sticking out of it from the failed sentry. A moment later and the RED Sniper rushed in, left gloved hand holding his akubra to his head tightly, blue eyes behind yellow tinted aviators examining everything quickly, finally focusing on the Engineer.

"What the hell happened?" Sniper asked, watching as Engineer gave a quiet growl, and stomped over to where he had thrown his hardhat and goggles.

"Engie was working on something. New sentry thing, right? Only it could walk! It was awesome! …Until it blew up that is…" Scout coughed, the both of them wincing at a further irritated grumble from the Engineer.

"That's a crying shame, that is, mate… You say it could walk even?" Sniper asked finally, crossing his arms.

"Yep, walked all the way to the end of the room there, only it couldn't turn around…sort of got stuck walking forward." Scout shrugged. "It was cool, until it decided to try and kill us…"

Engineer had walked back to his desk, flopping onto his wooden chair and tossing his collected hardhat and goggles onto the desk carelessly, scattering blueprints and drafting tools. The two of them behind him winced. The Engineer rarely ever got that upset, but when he did it was usually best to get him out of it as quickly as possible. It was with this in mind that the Scout turned to the Sniper in a mock-careless manner, the Australian immediately regarding him with a suspicious air.

"Hey, Snipes, I was wondering, Engie and I were talking earlier and we got to thinking, what would it be like do you think if Spy could, oh, I don't know, pretend to be a Dispenser?" Scout tucked his hands in his brown uniform pants' pockets, blue eyes regarding Sniper in something resembling boredom.

"I think he'd have to look out for Truckies that were trying to upgrade him… I'd imagine a wrench to the top of the head would be no fun, mate." The semi-amused grunt from the Engineer staring morosely at his blueprints was enough prompting to continue the conversation. "Now, if the man could work on turning into something that was less likely to get mistreated, then I think you might be onto something."

"Yeah, that's what I thought, but Engie was the one who came up with the oddest idea…"

"Oh yeah? What's that?" Sniper raised an eyebrow at him, tilting his head to the side.

"He thought that if the Spy could actually make himself look like Sasha he might actually be onto something."

The immediate burst of laughter was echoed by the Scout himself, the two of them practically howling in mirth. "Oh, God, Sasha? I'm pretty certain we're talking about the other team's Sasha, right? Ha, that's…wow, that's priceless, mate."

"I know, right? As if Spy could ever get close enough to that gun to do it." Scout cackled.

"Not to mention, how exactly would he be wielded? Wouldn't the Heavy notice that Sasha's apparently shooting blanks?" The double entendre struck them both with a vengeance, leading to near hysterical laughter, the Engineer finally standing up, walking over to them with a frown on his face, but a slight glint of humor in his visible blue eyes.

"Now that's enough you two, I know the Spy's an odd son of a gun, but that's no reason to go insulting him, especially behind his back."

"Yeah, you never know when he could be watching!" Scout chimed in, the three of them immediately cracking up.

"No, you don't." The sudden French accented voice sent them all jumping back in surprise, shouts of alarm leaving protesting lips. The Spy's expression was smug, visible even under his maroon balaclava.

"Bloody Wanker, what the hell do you get off of sneaking up on people like that?" Sniper spat out with a snarl.

"Endless amusement," Spy answered with a smile. "Besides, in this case, you owe me. The Engineer almost shot me."

"What?" The Texan blinked, looking at the Frenchman standing before him with confusion.

"I was standing right there." He indicated the first bullet hole in the wall, leading to the Engineer narrowing his eyes.

"Wait a moment, for how long?"

"I often come here. Aside from your machines it is usually the quietest spot in the base." He shrugged indifferently. "And before you ask, no, I did not sap your sentry. I will admit to being rather pleased it did not work as planned, if only for the fact that I do not have to worry about being the one to take out the other team's sentry should they steal our intel. But to answer your original question, for this particular instance, long enough to wonder why le lapin was eating an apple. Is that not too healthy for you?"

"Hey, shut up, man, I totally eat healthy stuff…sometimes. But, haven't you heard? The Medic's doing examinations soon!" The statement led to involuntary shudders, their expressions shifting into something like disgust. "I'm willing to do anything I can…"

"In that case I agree with your present course of action." Spy nodded at him once.

"Would you also agree that you can't turn into Sasha believably?" Scout's expression slid towards challenging, the Spy raising an eyebrow at him silently.

"Why would I wish to turn into something that would lead to the Fat Man's hands being all over me?"

The snort of laughter that followed was echoed by the Sniper, the Engineer grinning. "Oh yeah, I totally forgot that aspect of it. So I guess you can't do it then, huh?" Scout asked, rubbing under his nose with a grin.

"On the contrary, mon ami, I most certainly could do it, I merely have no wish to." The Spy brushed at his red pinstriped suit, unsuccessfully trying to remove the dust from it. It was the one downside to being in the Engineer's garage.

"Oh yeah?" Sniper asked, raising his own eyebrow. "And I suppose you could back up your statement with actual fact, right?"

"You do not trust my word?" The skeptical glances this gave him led to the Spy rolling his eyes. "Yes, I could back it up with fact."

"I don't believe you."

"You do not have to, bushman, but the fact remains, I could make the Heavy believe I was Sasha." The Spy crossed his own arms across his chest, looking up at the taller man with his blue eyes spitting fire.

"And I'm the bloody Queen of England," Sniper spat.

"If you were the Queen someone would have paid me to assassinate you. Someone as ugly as you has no right to be Queen of anything."

The Engineer and the Scout watched with raised eyebrows as the two continued their debate, continuing to get more insulting as time wore on, mouths pulled into frowns as they squared off with each other. The Spy's gloved finger jabbed into the Sniper's vest as he finished a point he was making, leading to the Sniper shoving him back.

"Hey, easy boys, it's just a what if conversation, no need to get violent." Engineer stepped between them, hands raised peacefully.

"Fine, apologies, bushman." He spat the words out, half sarcasm, half honest contrite, that was canceled out by the glare he gave.

"Why did you get that fired up over it anyway, Wanker, it's not like I insulted your mother…" Sniper asked, ignoring him.

"If you had, you'd be dead." Sniper rolled his eyes at the threat, even as the Spy began toying with his butterfly knife lazily. When they continued to look at him with a raised eyebrow and disbelief written across their faces he rolled his own eyes, flicking his butterfly knife closed before replacing it. "If you must know, I had to pretend to be a man's wife for three days once. If I can honestly make him believe that his wife of three years had suddenly developed a hormone problem, I am reasonably certain I can impersonate a gun, no matter how cared for it may be." The three of them burst out laughing.

"Oh, God, three days, mate? How was that?"

"Horrible. The woman had absolutely no sense of fashion. Everything was either floral or tie-dye." He shuddered, leading to yet another round of laughter. "In all seriousness…it was horrible. Especially as I had been paid to murder his wife…I did not have time to remove her body fully from the premises. It was not a particularly relaxing environment."

"Now hold on, you had to kill some man's wife? Why?" Engineer asked in surprise.

"Now that I cannot tell you, I am a spy, remember?" His mouth pulled into a grin, blue eyes flashing death as he looked into the Engineer's goggles.

"I still don't think you can do it." Scout put in finally after a beat, leading to the Spy rolling his eyes.

"Can't do what, lad?" The slightly slurred Scottish accented voice asked. They turned to look at the Demoman, single brown eye flicking from one to the other as he leaned against the wall drunkenly.

"Pretend to be Sasha and have the Heavy try and wield him," Scout answered, shooting a smug look towards the Spy.

"Now, hold on, you said nothing of wielding, as in used in an actual match?" Spy asked with a blink.

"Well of course you'd need to be wielded, you'd be a gun, right, Spook? What else would he do with you? Kiss you?" Scout jabbed him in the shoulder, blinking as a thought came to him, accompanied by the Spy's raised eyebrow and disgusted expression. "Actually, this is Sasha and Heavy we're talking about, he really would, wouldn't he? And yeah, an actual match…maybe after this weekend's through you can back your big talk up, right?"

"The Spy as Sasha? Now I've heard everything…" Demoman laughed, hand scratching at the black beanie on his head casually. "Would you do it, Spook?"

"Do I look like I can shoot bullets out from my fingertips to you?" Spy asked, his arms crossed.

"Well, no, that's another job for the Heavy, right?"

Spy sighed. "Mes amis, I would, really I would, however, my equipment does not enable me to turn into inanimate objects, even at the best of times."

"Could you fix it to actually do so?" Engineer asked, scratching at his chin pensively.

"Laborer, even if you could, I would not be able to let you attempt. The equipment is for a Spy's eyes only. Je suis désolé, but I have no wish to be terminated." He frowned at that, shrugging.

"That is a shame; I believe I would like to see this as well, Herr Spy… This base is so boring, so little actually happens in it; it would be interesting to see something actually happen for once." They jolted, turning to the Medic who was standing next to the Demoman, arms folded across his long medical grade lab coat. His blue eyes peered through his round spectacles piercingly, his mouth pulled into a frown. Scout let out a quiet sound of fear before rushing to grab his apple, biting into it almost desperately. The Medic rolled his eyes.

"Monsieur, as much as it might be interesting to see if I could truly trick the Heavy in such a way, I am not allowed to toy with my equipment. You are also right, teufort is incredibly boring. But I am not here for your amusement," he hissed.

"We wouldn't be making you into some sort of trick pony; we'd just be seeing how good you were at your job, right?" Engineer blinked as something came to him, "Now hold on, you didn't say you weren't allowed to. What's stopping you? It's your equipment, right?" Engineer asked, the Spy turning to regard him with something like fear flashing in his eyes.

"Yes, but do you know who manufactures it?" Spy asked.

"Well, sure, owner of Mann Co, Saxt-"

"Don't say his name!" The Spy reacted like lightning, one second the Sniper had been answering a question, next second the Spy's hand was tightly pressed against his mouth, blue eyes wide in unmistakable fright. He was pushed off immediately.

"What the hell, Spook? What's your problem?" Sniper spat out, his general look of confusion copied.

"You must never mention the disguise kit and the owner of that company in the same dialogue." Spy looked around hesitantly, staring at all the windows, even the ones that had been blown out by shrapnel. Although it was considered common knowledge that if it wasn't dangerous, the man wasn't interested.

"Why?"

"A colleague of mine, also a Spy, once made that mistake. Only he was complaining about it. There was a gathering of Spies, you see, discussing intel, that sort of thing. Next thing we knew, that…man had fallen from the ceiling, ripped the Spy's heart out with his bare hands, and shoved it down his throat, telling him where precisely he could stuff his complaints as he did so." The immediate burst of laughter that followed was agreed to with a small chuckle from the Spy. "Although it is quite funny in retrospect, it was also a nightmare; I had blood all over my suit. I also have no desire to have my own heart suffer the same fate. He does not like Spies. I am not sure if it is because we are French or…" He shrugged carelessly, leaving the statement open.

"So if you jury-rig it you might get in serious trouble, alright, makes sense, mate, but still…what if you asked permission first?"

"Yes, that is a good question, Herr Sniper. What if you were able to present it in such a way to make it seem as though you were…trying to upgrade it, and were very willing to give him the results once you found if it could work or not?" The German asked, raising a single black eyebrow at him.

"Aye, that might be a good idea, lad." The Scottish Demo affirmed, nodding his head, sucking down on his bottle of Scrumpy he held in his hand as he did so.

"Yeah, come on, man, I got to see this!" Scout prodded, the rest of them nodding their heads, agreeing vigorously.

"But…"

"Oh come on, you already said you could do it, why don't you put your money where your mouth is, chucklenuts? I'm so bored…" Scout whined. "Hell, I'll even promise not to annoy you for a week!"

The Spy looked around at them all, eyes focused and mouth in a straight line, feeling slightly trapped. He never spent much time with this many of his colleagues, let alone was the center of attention. He usually made it a habit to avoid this type of conversation. Finally, he sighed. "Alright. But I am not asking. I've jury-rigged it before. I can certainly do it again." The immediate whoop of joy from the Scout was accentuated by various other calls of excitement, a few of them even patting him on the back. "The only thing I ask is if something goes wrong I need for you to watch my back, d'accord?"

"You got it, partner." Engineer nodded, giving him a thumbs up and a smile. "You need any of my equipment, help yourself."

"Merci." The Spy nodded his head and frowned. "Monsieur Medic, où est l'Heavy?"

"The Heavy is currently preparing for his examination. The Scout is next."

"What? But I'm eating an apple! You can't examine me; I've got your kryptonite!" He waved the apple core around in front of him, the Medic raising an eyebrow as he snapped his red rubber gloves with a small smile.

"Ah, but I am not a doctor, I am a Medic. Come with me, fräulein, before I make your examination even more painful than it already will be."

Scout whimpered and fled, down the hall towards the Medical Bay, the German following behind sedately, the Spy to his right.

"Why are you interested in seeing the Heavy, Herr Spy?"

"I need to examine Sasha. I feel it would be better to ask his permission first."

Medic blinked, looked the Spy in the eye, and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Good luck, kamerad, may he not beat you too harshly." Whatever nervousness the Spy had felt before had now compounded.