Chapter 5: And So I'm Offering This Simple Phrase

Kate gingerly balanced on the balls of her feet as she stooped next to the tombstone in the middle of Woodlawn Cemetery, blessedly empty this late on Christmas Eve. Wiping a tear from the corner of her eye, she carefully used one of her gloves to brush snow away from the stone, stopping once she had finally revealed the words "Johanna Beckett" in dark, engraved letters. Reaching into a shopping bag she had placed on top of a snow bank, she pulled out a potted poinsettia and arranged it in front of her mother's grave. Standing up straight, she couldn't tear her gaze away from the stark contrast of the red petals with the snow that threatened to envelop them.

She gently ran a gloved hand over the top edge of the tombstone, as she gathered the courage to speak. She had been to her mother's grave countless times – for birthdays, holidays, and just because she felt like talking to someone who wouldn't judge her. This time, though, was different. She took a ragged breath to try to hold back the tears that threatened to fall and would certainly keep her from saying what she needed so desperately to say.

"I… I know I've talked to you about Castle before, Mom. I've told you all about the times he's annoyed me, the times he's made me angry, the times he saved my life, and the times he saved me from myself. What I've never told you about are all the times he's loved me.

"He loves me, Mom. I've pushed him away, I've teased him, and I've yelled at him and he just unconditionally loves me… because I'm me." Despite the cold, wet snow beneath her, Kate sank to her knees, overcome with a desire to be as close to her mother as possible as she continued.

"I don't want you to think I've stopped caring. I haven't. I never could. But this wall I've built up, Mom… this wall that protects me from getting hurt? It's suffocating me. I can't keep myself locked away forever. I know you wouldn't want that. I just don't want you to be angry with me… I don't want you to think I'm leaving your memory behind, or that I won't think about you every day. Please don't be mad at me or think I'm being selfish. I promise I won't give up on your case until you have justice." She paused, wondering if she even had the strength to carry on, but knowing she needed this moment.

"I want to let someone else in. Castle has shouldered so much of this burden and I didn't even realize it until recently. He shouldn't have to do that for me; not without knowing how much I love him for it. And I do love him, Mom. I just don't know how to be in love right now, and I let that hold me back. But he just won't let me do it alone; he won't leave me to fight for you alone, he won't leave me to cry for you alone, and he won't even leave me to love you alone. He's always there, even when I demand otherwise."

With a shuddering breath, and not bothering to wipe the tears from her cheeks, Kate rose to her feet. "I'm safe with him, Mom. We're going to figure this out, and then you won't have to worry about me anymore. I promise." Touching her fingers to her lips and then pressing them to the headstone, she smiled as memories of her mother flashed through her mind. "You two would have gotten along. You would have loved him." She gathered her things and turned toward the cemetery gate.

"Merry Christmas, Mom."

xxx

Alexis shifted her glance toward her father's office for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. His jolly demeanor of the past couple days was severely tempered tonight, and she studied him with curiosity. Both she and Martha had attempted several times to pull details out of the writer, but other than showing them the superhero book and responding that the precinct party had been 'fine,' he hadn't given them any details that seemed as though they would damper his holiday spirit.

The ring of the doorbell pulled the girl out of her thoughts. Knowing her father wouldn't leave his office until he had written everything out of his system, and hearing the soft notes of her grandmother playing the piano, Alexis reluctantly pulled herself out of the warm blankets in front of the fireplace and made her way to the door. She pulled up abruptly when she opened the door to reveal Kate Beckett, her hair covered with snow and her jeans wet from the knees down.

"Detective Beckett! Come… uh… come in!" Turning her back to shut and lock the door, Alexis shook her head slightly to clear her thoughts. "You look like you're frozen. Can I get you anything?"

Kate smiled softly at her. "No thanks, Alexis. I just came to talk to your father. Do you mind if I go on in?" She gestured at Castle, his back to the door of his office, hunched over his laptop.

Alexis shook her head and immediately went to her grandmother to report this strange turn of events. Kate continued on through the living room, smiling at the cozy picture it presented. The lights were dim and the tree was glowing with soft white bulbs in the corner. The fireplace was roaring and "It's a Wonderful Life" played with muted volume on the television. Martha's soft melody continued floating in from the other room, and Kate found the notes soothing as she made her way to the office.

Just as she was about to knock on the doorframe, Martha called out a hello to her that caught her attention but also startled Castle out of his reverie. His head snapped up from behind his laptop screen, and although his expression was one of delight, it was laced with traces of confusion.

Shutting the laptop, he rose to join her in the living room, fiddling with the controls next to the fireplace as he surveyed her disheveled appearance. "I thought you had a date tonight?"

She blushed in the firelight, "I did. I went to see my mom. I… I needed to talk to her about a few things, and I always try to stop by and see her on Christmas."

His eyes softened considerably, and he moved to take her coat from her, noting the wet patches on her jeans. "Do you want something to change into? You must be freezing." When she shook her head softly, he gestured to the fireplace. "Stand here, then. It'll dry you out."

Kate slowly approached the fireplace, turning to him and watching the way the light from the flames reflected off his face as he watched them jump and crackle. "I didn't mean to interrupt your family on Christmas Eve. I just wanted to drop off your present."

He paused a moment to study her a moment before adopting a playful smirk. "You do remember you didn't draw my name, right? I can explain the game more clearly next year – "

"Give it up, Castle." She rolled her eyes more for the effect than anything, "If you don't want this…"

"No, no. Just… hold on." He raced back into his office and returned with a package nearly identical to the one he had given Lanie earlier that evening. Her eye roll was real this time, but she accepted the package with a smile.

Unwrapping the carefully folded paper, she nearly dropped the entire thing when she revealed a pristine copy of the first issue of 'The Avengers.' Looking up at him with wide eyes she whispered, "Castle! This isn't…?"

"Mine?" His eyes nearly danced as he smiled down at her. "No. You're still more than welcome to peruse my issues, of course… but I thought you'd like one of your own. You were so excited when we were talking about in the Fall that I thought it might make a good present." Some of the excitement seemed to fall from his face as concern took over. "You do like it?"

She continued to stare at him, taking him in slowly as a host of thoughts flooded her head. He had remembered a fleeting conversation held in front of a murder board, held onto the thought for months, and then had the determination to turn it into the perfect Christmas present. She couldn't even fathom how much money he had spent to buy the comic book she held in her hands. Just to be able to touch one… it was all she could do to keep herself composed.

Castle, misreading her shocked silence for contempt, quickly began to back pedal. "I know it's juvenile, but you had said you always wanted to get your hands on one, and I knew a guy… it didn't cost nearly as much as it would have on the open market, I swear… I guess it's not normally something you would expect to receive from…" He could have continued on all night if she had let him, but she silenced him with one strategically placed finger directly over his lips.

When Kate raised her head to look at him, he saw the beginnings of tears pooling in her eyes. Relieved that he hadn't completely ruined the holiday for both of them, he moved to take her hand, but she removed it quickly and busied herself with digging in her bag for his present.

She reached out and grabbed his hand, holding it palm up and placing a cold, metallic object in his palm before using her other hand to close his fingers around it in a fist. Stepping back from him, she nodded her encouragement.

Slowly uncurling his fingers, Castle revealed an ornately fashioned bronze key. It was old, but not overtly an antique. In fact, if such a thing could be said about keys, he would say that it had an old soul. The blade was made up of a complex series of ridges, but it was the bow that was truly complicated. The many edges and intricate fashioning that had been carved there were interesting to the naked eye, but close inspection revealed a true sense of beauty in the way it had been shaped. The key was small enough to fit in the palm of his hand, but it seemed to command respect, and he knew that whoever had made it had done so by hand, as no machine or mold could possibly have given it so much depth.

He looked up at her, but she was facing away from him, staring into the flames of the fire and steadfastly avoiding eye contact. She hadn't even watched him examine the key. "Kate?" He asked gently, "What is this?"

She turned her head sideways, but only slightly, keeping her gaze on the key in his palm and not attempting even a glance at his face. It was another minute before she spoke.

"You know the funny thing about walls, Castle? Most of them have doors, if you're only stubborn enough to keep looking for them."

When he continued staring at her, nearly slack-jawed, she chuckled softly and turned to face him, pressing her palm to his, covering the key. Gently, she pushed his hand up and into his chest, holding it close to his heart.

"You can't knock the wall down, Castle. Not yet. But I wouldn't mind if you came in every now and then… if you want."

His eyes flicked between their hands pressed against his chest and the vulnerable expression on her face. Suddenly, he realized her head was slowly moving toward his. When her lips captured his in a soft kiss, Castle brought his free hand around to slowly rub her back, offering her the comfort and reassurance he knew she needed. The kiss was over in a matter of seconds, but he held her close for many moments longer, alternating between rubbing her back and gently running his fingers over her hair. His other hand continued to grasp hers, and he felt a whisper of a kiss there as she rested her head on his chest.

When she reluctantly raised her head from his chest and began to back away, Castle slipped the key into his pocket and regained control of her hand, leading them to the couch in front of the fireplace. Sinking into the warm comfort of the cushions, he pulled her into his side and put a protective arm around her.

No tectonic plates had shifted, the earth hadn't stopped spinning, and the moon still hung in the sky, but Castle knew then and there that his relationship with the woman snuggled into his arms would never be the same. It wouldn't happen all at once, and soft kisses and quiet nights on the couch would have to do in the meantime, but the key that weighed down his pocket was proof enough.

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Merry Christmas."

He smiled into her hair and pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. "Merry Christmas, Kate."

They watched as the flames continued to lick at the air above the logs, the crackles and snaps accompanying the soft piano music that continued from the other room. Kate closed her eyes and burrowed her face close to Castle's neck as Martha's voice floated through the air –

And so I'm offering this simple phrase

To kids from one to ninety two:

Although it's been said many times, many ways

Merry Christmas to you.

xxx

And that's that! I am so grateful to everyone who alerted, favorited, reviewed, and messaged me about this story. You guys are too kind. I am about 6,000 words away from hitting my NaNoWriMo goal, so when December hits I plan on coming up with something new for you all to read, I promise! So be on the lookout.

Merry Christmas to my Castle family! May the season bring you everything you want and more!