Act 2
I've rewritten the cast, and have made a few changes in it
Cast:
Arashi as Mulan
Subaru as Fa Zhou/The General
Kotori as Fa Li
Karen as Granny Fa
Kakyuu as Great Ancestor
Kamui as Mushu
Sorata as Captain Li Shang
Hinoto as The Emperor (Empress)
Yuuto as Chi Fu
Satsuki as Yao
Yuzuriha as Ling
Aoki as Chien Po/extra
Fuuma as Shan Yu
Asagi as one of Shan Yu's men
Kusanagi as one of Shan Yu's men – all three are extras as well
Seishirou as one of Shan Yu's men
Nataku as Cri-kee
Kanoe as The Matchmaker
Tokiko as extra
Italicized parts are said backstage
(Tokiko pops out of nowhere unexpectedly, scaring the hell out of everybody.)
Tokiko: (looking ticked off) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL DOING?! THE FATE OF THE WORLD IS AT HAND!!!!
Kusanagi: (whispers to Kamui) Who's that again?
Kamui: My aunt.
(Meanwhile, Sorata and Yuuto are watching X/1999 the movie.)
Sorata: WHAT?! FUUMA KILLS ME?! (sobs) NOOOOOO! (to Yuuto) You have a tissue?
Yuuto: (sniffles and hands Sorata tissue) I can't believe you died! We never even got to duel! (blows on tissue)
Arashi & Kamui: …(raise eyebrows)
Fuuma: (glancing at screen) Hey! I look GOOD!
Tokiko: (gets even more ticked off) ARGH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL DOING?! SORATA'S NOT DEAD! HE'S RIGHT THERE! AND NONE OF THAT (points at T.V.) IS GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE ALL YOU MORONS ARE HERE DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT!!!
Satsuki: Can we kill her now instead of doing this movie? My part SUCKS! I HAVE TO PLAY SOME STUPID GUY'S PART!
Yuzuriha: Hey, Tokiko, you know you're in this movie also. You're one of our unmentioned extras.
Tokiko: Never am I going to take part in this movie!
Seishirou: We'll pay you.
Tokiko: OKAY! (runs to scene)
Scene 4
(Tokiko emerges from a small house.)
Tokiko: Kotori, is your daughter here yet? The matchmaker is not a patient woman…(mutters) and not a very attractive one either. (walks back into house)
Karen: (mutters) You could say that again.
Kanoe: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!
Kotori: (looking nervous) Of all the days to be late! I should have prayed to the ancestors – er…ancestor for luck.
Karen: How can he – er…they be, they're dead.
Kakyuu: (sobs)
Subaru: Is he okay?
Nataku: (glances at the sobbing Kakyuu) He'll be fine.
Karen: Besides, I've got all the luck we'll need! (hold up a small cockroach in a cage)
Kotori: That's a cockroach! Where's the cricket!
Karen: Picky, picky, picky. Cockroach, cricket, what's the difference?
Kotori: Ewe!
Karen: Besides, we're fresh out of crickets. They all got roasted after Aoki burned down our Great Wall.
Kotori: (stares at cockroach in disgust) Yuck! Hey, wait a minute! Karen, that cockroach is dead!
Karen: WHAT?! (glances at the cage and sees the cockroach lying motionless) GREAT! Where are we going to find a replacement now?!
Yuuto: C'mon, do it!
Nataku: NO! Absolutely not!
Yuuto: Pretty please? C'mon! You won't have to say anything thing! Hehe…
Nataku: I'm not about to go out there and play some stupid role of a cricket! Nothing is going to convince me to–Ack! I'm shrinking!
Kanoe: (shrinks Nataku) Hehe…that's right. (picks up insect sized Nataku) You're not going back to normal until you do your job! (throws Nataku at Karen)
Karen: (catches Nataku and smiles) Ah, this'll be just perfect. Okay, Nataku, this is your chance to prove yourself! (stuffs Nataku into cage)
Nataku: (realizes what Karen is about to do) WHAT?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?!?!
Kotori: Karen! No!
(Karen blindfolds herself and walks onto the busy streets as carriages come rushing by. The drivers squeal as they try to avoid hitting Karen. Unfortunately, the drivers collide with each other anyway, leaving Karen and the traumatized Nataku unharmed.)
Karen: (takes off blindfold, looks around, and sees the discombobulated carriage drivers) Yup! (smiles and waves cage holding Nataku) This one's a lucky one!
Nataku: (clutching heart) Feh…I almost had a heart attack. (glares at Karen and mutters) No thanks to you.
(Meanwhile, Arashi is being led to a tub full of bubbles. She is pushed into the bath tub and is being scrubbed clean.)
Arashi: (protesting) But I don't–
Sorata: (grabs binoculars & holds it up Arashi's direction) Ho! This is the best part!
Yuzuriha: (smacks Sorata and takes binoculars) PERVERT!
Tokiko: (looks at Arashi's pretty hair and sings) This is what you give me to work with?
Well, honey, I've seen worse.
We're going to turn this sow's ear…
Into a silk purse! (washing Arashi's hair)
We'll have you
Washed and dried
Primped and polished
Till you glow with pride
Trust my recipe for
Instant bride
You'll bring honor to us all.
(The scene is changed into a hairdresser's shop. Arashi is having her hair brushed and done, much to her chagrin.)
Tokiko: Wait and see
When we're though
Kotori: (sings) Boys will gladly go to
War for you
Tokiko: With good fortune
Kotori: (fixing Arashi's hair into a lovely bun) And a great hairdo
Tokiko & Kotori: You'll being honor to us all.
(continue singing while dragging Arashi to the clothes shop) A girl can bring her family
Great honor in one way
By striking a good match
And this could be the day.
Tokiko: (dressing Arashi) Men want girls
With good taste
Calm
Kotori: Obedient
Tokiko: Who work fast-paced
Kotori: With good breeding
Tokiko: (tightening dress on Arashi) And a tiny waist
Arashi: (yelps)
Tokiko & Kotori: You'll bring honor to us all
(leads Arashi to another area) We all must serve our Emper-ess
Who guards us from Fuuma
Fuuma: Hey!
Tokiko & Kotori: (ignore Fuuma and continue to sing) A man by bearing arms
A girl by bearing sons
Arashi: Hmph…
Tokiko & Kotori: When we're though
You can't fail
Like a lotus blossom
Soft and pale
How could any fellow say "No sale"
You'll bring honor to us all.
(Tokiko applies lipstick onto Arashi's lips. She then adds eye shadow and pink blush to bring color to Arashi's pale face.)
Sorata: (whoops when he catches sight of Arashi) WHOA!! GO BABE!!!!
Kotori: (places a hair comb in Arashi's pretty hair and says) There, you're ready.
Karen: (arrives and places apple in Arashi's mouth) Not yet! An apple for serenity…A pendant for balance…(sings) Beads of jade for beauty (places jade necklace around Arashi's neck)
You must proudly show it (takes cage with Nataku and hands it to Arashi)
Now add a cricket just for luck
And even you can't blow it
Arashi: (stares in disbelief at Nataku) Nataku…
Nataku: Don't ask.
Arashi: (shrugs and sings, heading towards Matchmaker's house) Ancestor
Sorata: (swoons) Awe! She has such a cute voice! Melts my heart!
Arashi: (glares at Sorata but continues to sing) Hear my plea
Help me not to make a fool of me
And to not uproot my fam'ly tree
Keep my father ::cough cough please don't! cough cough:: standing tall.
Subaru: (waving stick in air) Dishonorable girl!
Arashi & choir of girls: Scarier than the undertaker
We are meeting our
Matchmaker
Tokiko & Kotori & Karen: (sing) Destiny
Kamui: Feh! I don't believe in destiny.
Kusunagi: Shhh!
Tokiko & Kotori & Karen: Guard out girls
And our future as it fast unfurls
Please look kindly on
These cultured pearls
Each a perfect porcelain doll
Yuzuriha: (singing) Please bring honor to us
Satsuki: (unemotionally) Please bring honor to us
Yuzuriha: Please bring honor to us
Satsuki: Please bring honor to us
Arashi: Please bring honor to us all!
Scene 5
(Kanoe emerges from her house, looking at her clipboard.)
Kanoe: Sumeragi, Arashi
Arashi: (stands up gracefully) …
Kanoe: Not addressing her superiors…
Arashi: (give Kanoe death glare) …
Karen: (growls) Who spit in her bean curd…punk!
(Arashi enters Kanoe's house. Kanoe then slams the door shut and looks Arashi over.)
Kanoe: Hmph. Too skinny.
Arashi: (mutters under breath) You're just jealous that I'm thinner than you, you old hag.
(Still angry at Kanoe, Nataku slips out of the cage and attempts to attack her. Nataku jumps onto Kanoe's shoulder, plotting evilly on what he was going to do with her.)
Kanoe: (does not hear Arashi's comment, and does not notice Nataku on her shoulder) Recite the final admonition.
Arashi: (looking bored) Fulfull your duties calmly and respectfully. Reflect before you act. This shall bring you honor and glory.
Kanoe: (looks pissed off that Arashi got the question right) This way. (shoves teapot towards Arashi) Now pour the tea. To please your future–
(Kanoe stops talking as Arashi has already gracefully filled the cup with tea. Arashi gives Kanoe a cunning look before handing her the teacup.)
Arashi: (notices Nataku trying to poison tea) …
Kanoe: Ahhh…(sniffs tea)
(Nataku stifles an evil laugh as he sets Kanoe's bottom on fire.)
Kanoe: (realizes her behind is on fire) YEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOW!
(Meanwhile, outside the house, everyone can hear Kanoe's anguishing cries.)
Karen: (smiles to Kotori) I think it's going well!
Kotori: (groans and hides her face in hands)
Kanoe: (runs out of building) PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!!!!
Arashi: (sighs and tosses tea at Kanoe, putting fire out) …(walks back towards Kotori and Karen)
Kanoe: (takes teapot and throws it behind her, hitting Nataku with it accidentally) You are a disgrace!
Sorata: (enraged) Hey! Nobody talks to me babe like that!
Arashi: (twitching) B...babe?!
Kanoe: You may look like a bride, but you will never bring your family honor!
(Arashi and Kotori restrain Karen from blowing Kanoe up to smithereens.)
Scene 6
(Arashi, Kotori, and Karen arrive back home. Karen is still sore at the fact that she had missed her chance of destroying the ugly hag Kanoe. Arashi leads a horse to the water trough, while Kotori nervously walks towards Subaru.)
Subaru: (walking out of room and inhaling the fresh air, stretching) Ah! Nothing like a morning with fresh air! No wife! No annoying grandmother! No dis – daughter to…
Kotori: (walks up to him and whispers something in ear)
Subaru: (enraged and points at Arashi) DISHONORABLE DAUGHTER! DISHONOR! DISHONOR! DIS–
(Subaru is shut up by a lightning bolt striking him unconscious. In the background, Sorata is laughing maniacally.)
Satsuki & Seishirou: (stare at Sorata uneasily)
Sorata: What? I couldn't have him chanting that when the babe's about to sing! (beams with pride as a "You're No. 1" sign hovers over his head)
Kamui & Fuuma: (sweatdrop) …
Arashi: (sighs and looks at her reflection in water singing) Look at me
I will never pass
For a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be
I'm not meant to play
This part? (sets mini Nataku out in the wild where he is attacked by other bugs)
Nataku: AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Sorata: (swoons and sneaks onto the scene to get a better look of Arashi)
Arashi: (ignoring Nataku) Now I see
That if I were truly
To be myself (hops along the bridge railing)
I would break my
Family's heart.
(In the distance, Subaru is seen, sobbing loudly.)
Arashi: Who is that girl I see (looks into her reflection again)
Staring straight
Back at me? (sees Sorata's face under water)
(Sorata is hiding underneath the water, waving at Arashi as she looks at him. Arashi glares at Sorata and tosses a pebble in the water, smacking him on the forehead with it.)
Kakyuu: (mutters) Should've thrown a rock at him.
Arashi: (still glaring at Sorata who is not only in pain, but is also running out of air) Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
(Nataku is on a small boat rowing on the pond. Rapidly, he is rowing for his life as an army of bugs chase after him. Meanwhile, Sorata is clutching his throat as he wiggles for air. When he finally goes up to get a breath of air, he realizes Arashi was way ahead of him.)
Sorata: (sighs and swoons) Ah! Her love for me is so great! (does not realize the pebble imprint on his forehead)
Arashi: (walking quickly while singing) Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show (sees Sorata's reflection on the graves and pushes the grave over, making it topple on top of Sorata)
Who I am inside?
(unties her long pretty hair) When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
Sorata: (manages to slip out of graves) WHOA! YEAH! ENCORE! AWESOME!
Arashi: (twitching) …(pushes rest of graves over him and leaves scene)