Chapter 3 - The Same Yacht (Posted 22 December 2011)

"Why are we here?" Mike asked as he saw the colorful sign of a fancy restaurant.

"To talk."

"This is too fancy for talking."

"Don't be silly. I bring clients here all the time, it's perfect for talking," Harvey explained. "I know what you're thinking, but if I was trying to make this a date, I wouldn't take you somewhere I take everyone else. I'm hungry, for one thing, and don't tell me that you're not because I can hear your stomach growling. Also, this place is somewhere you can afford if you insist on paying. You don't have to, of course, but if you want to, I'm not going to strip you of your pride and force you to let me pay."

"...Thanks."

"You're welcome." Harvey gave an oddly understanding nod as Ray pulled the car to a stop.

They walked into a restaurant, surprised to find that Harvey had a reservation for them.

"When did you..."

"When I got ahold of your records and decided to have a chat with you."

"And when was that?" Mike asked as they took their seats.

"Yesterday."

"Just out of curiosity..."

"Donna," Harvey answered, knowing Mike's question before he even asked it.

"I should have guessed."

"She was worried too." Harvey told him. "And she's not going to tell anyone or look at you any differently, so don't worry about it. She understands more than you think."

Mike's mouth hung open a bit. "Is she..."

"No." Harvey said lowly. "But she knows someone who is. So tell me about it." At this point the waitress showed up and took their orders.

"Tell you about it?"

"Yeah."

"You read my file, you know everything."

"I read that you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Once I knew what was wrong, I stopped."

"Really?"

"Of course. Just because I technically have the legal right to read it, doesn't mean I would actually breach your privacy and your trust by doing so."

"But... you did."

"Only the part I needed. So I could help you. If you don't want to tell me..."

"No... I just... don't know what you want to know. I mean... it's not what everyone thinks it is. For some reason when people hear 'bipolar' they think anger, crying... they think you'll fly off the handle at the littlest thing... But it's not like that."

"I told you before, people are ignorant. Being bipolar doesn't mean you're an unstable, emotional wreck. It just means you have more extreme high and lows than everyone else, and you can't really control it."

"Yeah... how did you know that?"

"I'm not ignorant. Stubborn, but not ignorant."

"Well then you know that it can also be extremely debilitating when you experience a depressive episode. Even a manic episode can have negative effects if your overconfidence convinces you to try something stupid."

"I do know that."

"I've been... fortunate since I started working for you." Mike said. He was a bit surprised at how easy it was to discuss this with Harvey.

"How so?"

"Well... any time I was around the people at work or with a client or something, I was fine. Either that or I was manic but able to keep it in check. All of my... all the times I felt bad, I was lucky enough to be by myself so no one else had to see it and it didn't really affect my work. But lately... the bad feelings just creep up on me and they don't care if I'm trying to work or in an important meeting. They just come and... I try to control it, and I'm usually really good at keeping it in check, and I'm sure no one else noticed other than you. But that doesn't mean I want it to keep happening when I'm at work."

"That's why you saw the psychiatrist."

"No," Mike shook his head. "I see her every month. And I have since I was sixteen. Well, I've seen someone every month, I just started with her last month. She's good."

Their food was brought to them, temporarily interrupting their conversation as it was laid out on the table. It gave Harvey a chance to think of how to respond.

"You were diagnosed at sixteen?"

"I know, it's uncommon, but it's not impossible."

"Has it always been this bad?"

Mike nodded. "Pretty much. There have been times when... I was completely normal and I thought maybe I'd conquered it. But... here I am. In the middle of a breakdown, spilling my guts to you about something that, as much as you want to, you will never understand."

"You think I don't understand?" Harvey whispered, leaning over the table. "Any regular day, you just go about your business, doing the things you normally do and not thinking twice about it. But sometimes you feel so great and powerful that you can stride right up to NASA, hop aboard a spaceship, blast off to Mars, and still be home in time for supper. And then there are times when you just feel lower than the floor, constantly second-guessing yourself, wondering if you'll even have the strength or the will to get yourself up and do the things you love. And during those times, you have to be careful, you have to remember to think rationally. You have to remember that you're not invincible or expendable, and yet you wonder if you'll ever make it out of this."

Mike stared at him, wondering how he knew exactly how Mike was feeling. How did he understand his emotions so well? "Harvey..."

"Mike, did you ever stop and think about why I never show my emotions?" He reached across the table and grabbed his hand again, just like he had back at the office.

"You have it too..." Mike gaped, his eyes wide and sad, and a little confused if he was being honest.

"I tell people it's because I don't have any emotions, but if anyone can see through that it's you. It's always been you, since the day we met."

"I know," Mike said, wondering if they were suddenly discussing a specific emotion. "I just... it's hard to see you ever doubting yourself... I never thought we'd be in the same boat."

"Hey, this is me we're talking about. If we have to be on a boat, it'll be a yacht."

Mike chuckled. "So, the person Donna knows...?"

Harvey nodded. "Me. I had to tell her, nothing gets passed that woman."

"Yeah, she's pretty awesome like that."

"I understand if you still don't want to talk to me about it," Harvey assured him. "But of all the people you could turn to, I think I'm the one who can understand you the most. I know what you're feeling. I've felt it. More times that anyone can count. I might not be able to help you as much as a therapist or anything... but I can offer you an understanding that no one else can."

"I'd like that," Mike found himself admitting before he could stop himself. "A lot."

A hint of a smile glimmered across Harvey's face as he nodded. They continued to eat their meal as they engaged in a light conversation, their own way of dispelling the thick, heavy air of more serious matters.