Disclaimer: Nope, just a fanfiction writer. I would be a man, if I owned it, wouldn't I? So nope.
Story: Fem!Percy is about to finish high school and is now interning at…H.E.L.L. Inc? With a crazy boss, the gods randomly popping up and refusing to leave her alone, and various friends setting her up on blind dates, she misses just worrying about Kronos.
Set after all the books.
Spoilers: All books.
Warnings: Cursing and violence for now…hm, just in case since I'm usually writing it, bit of crazy humor, perverted humor, morbid or sarcastic humor, and maybe some sexual situations…
Pairings: Not set. No canon pairings.

Courtesy Needs a Call
Chapter Two: The Dangers of Dating I

When the gods arrived to where they had felt Percy's energy at, they blinked and they shuddered when they saw the plaque and the name of the business that owned and worked in that building.

How the Tartarus did Percy get involved with H.E.L.L. Inc.?

"So, uh, is it too late to turn back now?" Apollo asked nervously.

Just at that second, Percy ran screaming out of the building and spotted them immediately, tossing herself at Ares (surprisingly enough).

"Save me!" she screamed.

"Please, let's get out of here," Artemis said, face pale.

Without further ado, the group disappeared from the spot. They next appeared on Olympus, where a full-scaled Olympian party was going on.

"Geez, how'd you get into H.E.L.L. Inc., girl?" Hermes winced, taking her from Ares' frozen arms (the war god was still in shock about her going to him) and leading her to a table, where he sat her down on a chair.

"Internship," Percy slowly calmed down. "I was planning on doing an internship as soon as high school ended, and somehow I got an invitation for one from them. I never sent anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was due to some prank from your sons," she scowled at Hermes.

Hermes smiled nervously and shrugged helplessly, trying to absolve himself from any wrongdoings from his children.

Percy immediately grabbed a random bottle and started drinking.

"Percy, no! That's Dionysus' most potent…wine…" Apollo winced, more so as Percy ignored him.

"Yeah, girl!" Ares chortled. "Chug that shit down!"

Artemis and Athena both whapped him on the back of his head, and he cursed and glared at the goddesses, rubbing his head.

"That bad, huh?" Hermes flinched.

Percy twitched.

She grabbed another bottle and it wasn't long before she was drunk, and then spilling out everything to them without reservation and in great detail. The group of immortals winced and sympathetically expressed their condolences.

"Men," Artemis huffed, though she didn't express Danny's name aloud. There were some things you didn't do, and mentioning employees associated with that business (never mind the business itself) was one of them.

Apollo rolled his eyes at his sister, but managed to notice Percy grabbing another bottle and took it away from her.

"I'm taking her to bed –to sleep, to sleep!" Hermes held up his hands at the twin glares of the two women, and also of the narrowed eyes of Apollo and Ares. "There's no way she's up to party or going to be coherent. I could take her to her home…but she's drunk."

The group paused to think about that. If Sally got wind of it…well, they could be worried for Percy against her mother, but they were more afraid of Sally's wrath against them and that she could always ban them from seeing Percy (or the other way around). Sally could be rather protective of her daughter…

"You guys stay here and party. I wasn't up to it tonight anyways," Hermes waved them off.

Grumbling reluctant agreements, they all turned to Percy, only to realize she'd passed out on them. Hermes blinked but inwardly shrugged, grabbing her and carrying her bridal style to his home.

She awoke to a huge headache and in an unfamiliar room. Groaning, she sat up slowly and was startled when Hermes suddenly appeared by her side and handed her a glass of water and vial.

"For the hangover. You should get your dad or Triton to teach you how to manipulate the properties in alcohol. They've mastered the art of chugging it down," Hermes grinned at her.

"Hngh," Percy incoherently mumbled, uncapping the vial and then immediately swallowing it down. She sighed in relief. "Much better."

Eyes closed, she felt Hermes' fingers at her temples and beginning to massage. She hummed in enjoyment, muttering a thanks.

"That bad, huh?"

"Hell. Just like they're named. And don't even get me started on my boss," Percy shivered.

"Ah. I see. Hungry?"

"Yes. Very much so."

"How about a French breakfast?" Hermes' eyes were twinkling, she saw as she opened her eyes.

"Sounds fantastic," she sighed in pleasure, both from the thought of a gourmet breakfast and still at the pleasing massage.

"Brilliant. Ready?"

She blinked and furrowed her eyebrows at him, but he merely tugged her closer and then transported them out of his home. When Percy felt it was safe to open her eyes, she'd been tucked tightly against Hermes' lean body and had to cough nervously, gently but firmly pushing him away and straightening up (trying in vain to make it seem natural and not at all anxious about his close proximity). And then she glanced around her and gaped unashamedly.

They were in bloody, freakin' Paris.

With the Eiffel Tower smack dab in front of them.

"French breakfast, right?" she heard the humor in Hermes' voice.

"I didn't think you meant going to France for real," she said weakly, still staring at the huge monument.

"Regardless, we're here. So let's eat! Well, you eat –I'll smell," he said cheekily.

She rolled her eyes, but allowed him to lead her to a café, where she ordered a croissant au beurre (which was just a butter croissant, but she felt rather fancy ordering it like that), with a side of sausages and a strawberry yogurt to go with it. She had a hot chocolate to go with it, noting it was a rather cold morning.

"Smells divine," Hermes hmmed happily, eyes fluttering in bliss.

Percy snorted and then grinned, taking her croissant and waving it enticingly under the god's nose.

"Now I'm just tempted to actually eat it," Hermes pouted, which Percy giggled at.

She coughed and pretended she hadn't done that, huffing slightly and pouting herself.

"Cute~" Hermes teased and Percy squeaked at the unexpected compliment, flushing bright red.

Ignoring him, she focused on her food and remained that way until she'd finished breakfast and it was time for the two of them to get back into their usual routines. He transported her to the front of her home, though he stopped her from going inside so quickly.

"Keep in touch, Percy. Until next party! And don't get drunk next time," he winked at her, planting a quick kiss on her cheek before teleporting away.

Percy was bright red again, glancing around anxiously and stubbornly ignoring the tingling she felt on her cheek where the god had kissed her. She scurried inside and cursed all gods in her head, most specifically Hermes.

"So what's this about getting drunk, Kelp Head?" she heard a familiar Daughter of Ares speak out roguishly.

She inwardly banged her head against a mental wall.

She looked to her side and saw Clarisse and Annabeth huddling near the window, looking like they'd just been spying out of it until she came in. Of course. Like they hadn't been watching her and Hermes. Blasted, abnormal friends.

"It's nothing," Percy's eye twitched.

"Nuh uh. You're speaking," and then the two girls dragged her to her room, passed a bewildered Paul (who greeted her with a 'welcome back') and her mother, who'd been traipsing down the stairs with some unnamed box. Her mother traitorously encouraged her not-friends.

When they finally reached her room, they'd practically threw her onto her bed and then began their interrogation. Deciding to save herself the headache, she explained her job and the gods and goddesses' timely rescue (though she had a feeling they'd been there for more of a kidnapping). And then she talked about the party and her deciding to drown her misery in potent wine and make herself unavailable to the world after the trauma she'd gone through.

"That's pretty much it," she deadpanned.

"What about this morning?" Annabeth brought up, insisting on a retelling and Percy cursed the fact that the girl hadn't forgotten that particular detail.

"Turns out Hermes brought me to his house and let me sleep over, and then this morning he brought me to Paris for breakfast," Percy uncomfortably explained, trying to seem nonchalant.

"Ooh, Lord Hermes let you stay over, did he? And a cute little rendezvous in viva la France!" Clarisse cackled and leered at her, making Percy cringe and glare at the older girl.

"Never mind that," Annabeth sniffed. "Potential interests or not, or a big tease –what we got to focus on are the ones who are going to actually be sincere in their interest. Therefore –"

Clarisse cut her off. "We're taking you out and putting you on blind dates."

Percy freely gaped at them, thinking the world had gone crazy while she had had her meltdown.

"Say what?"

"Come on, Seaweed Brain. Don't tell me your brains actually turned into actual seaweed while you went berserk from your H.E.L.L. Inc.-induced trauma," Annabeth rolled her eyes.

Percy gave her a death glare.

"Doesn't matter! Ally ho!" Clarisse exclaimed, grabbing onto Percy's arm and marching her out. Annabeth took her other arm, and it was too soon until she was being hauled out of her home and being dragged down the street.

Why was she surrounded by insane people in her life?

But seriously, there could be no other explanation for why she was sitting in a five-scale restaurant, with some guy she'd never met sitting across from her.

"H-hello," he stuttered, obviously nervous.

"Hello," she smiled, trying to put him at ease.

The man just 'eeped!' and she sweatdropped. Well, this was certainly going good so far…

Ten minutes later, she was tapping her leg irritably under the table. All of a sudden, Clarisse came over and grabbed the guy in a chokehold, dragging him off. Annabeth appeared with someone else, smiling widely.

"Next!"

Percy inwardly groaned.

It was like this for the next three 'dates'. And then horrors of horrors, the next one was one she hadn't expected or wanted to see.

"Mr. Egerton!" Percy squeaked, recoiling back away from the smiling blond man.

The smile of death, she could swear…

"Percy, darling! This is fantastic! We're finally on a date!"

She looked over to the duo hanging back some tables, trying to desperately communicate her need for help. If wide, panicked eyes and a horrified gape wasn't enough, she started gesturing wildly to them, wondering what was taking them so long.

"So, shall we have the fillet mignon lunch special or ohhhh! That looks scrumptious! How about a nice juicy lobster?"

Percy just stared, wondering how in the world could her boss expect her to act normal?

And then he was leaning over and grinning lasciviously, winking at her with a mischievous air.

"You know what they say though, Percy, my love~ Lobsters are part of the traditional marriage meal. Why don't we skip some steps, finish this little date and book it to a church?" Danny's grin only widened.

Percy kept staring in horror.

"Oh, don't be shy!" Danny laughed in delight. He got up from his seat and perched neatly on her chair's arm. "Shotgun weddings happen all the time!"

Just when Percy was about to grab her glass of water and spill it on him, and try for a quick getaway, luck was on her side when his phone rang. He sighed, scowling in annoyance.

"Ah, I apologize, my cute little intern~ I must take this call. I'll probably have to leave too. Perhaps another date, another time," he pouted. "I will hold you to it!"

Percy swallowed nervously.

Her boss reluctantly walked off and she let out the breath she hadn't known she was holding. Clarisse and Annabeth wandered over, looking at her curiously.

"You two! Why didn't you save me?! That was my boss! My evil, insane, demonic boss!" Percy screamed at them, slightly hysterical.

"Ohhhh, that Danny Egerton," Annabeth winced.

"Oh, whoops. Our bad," Clarisse grinned lopsidedly.

Percy silently cursed the two and swore she would dance on their graves.

"Next!"

And then the two suddenly disappeared, making a quick exit, and there was suddenly a person in front of her.

She blinked. "Ares?"

"Lord Ares," he rolled his eyes. The brown tinged with red eyes was new, she noted. "Come on now. Why does Hermes get to be called 'Lord' and you disrespect me, brat?"

"'Cause I actually like Hermes," she scoffed. "And I don't call him that all the time. And I call Hades 'Lord', and Zeus too."

Ares glared. "But not all the time."

"Blah, blah, blah."

Ares growled, but she just smirked at him.

"Whatever. Come on, we're on a date. Play nice," Ares grinned sharply and Percy just sighed, deciding to make the most of it until she can finally run away.

To that end, knowing Ares, they started talking about fights. Somehow their personal fights turned into UFC debates, which somehow went into talks about history and Ares actually lecturing her about his past battles, that soon became enthusiastic retellings of his glorious fights. And that somehow led to Sparta, which somehow led to the movie 300.

Who knew the war god was such a fan?

Soon enough they were talking about the movie, then talking about their favorite parts, and then they were actually beginning quoting.

"Hey, hey! Let's go watch it right now!" Ares crowed, excited to get out of there and play the film.

Percy stared at him, before shrugging to herself. Why not? Besides, she actually hadn't minded his company and had actually enjoyed herself and the date. Since she had managed to like the time she'd spent with him, she decided to go for it. Strange really, considering who it was. Ares, of all people…

"Let's go!" Ares pumped a fist into the air and reached over, quickly grabbing her hand.

He then eagerly started to rush out, heading straight to a movie theater that he could take over and play the movie (never mind that it was no longer in theaters and had long since been on video). He was a god; he'll just magic it to the screen or something.

A few minutes later, Clarisse and Annabeth appeared by the table, completely confused.

"Huh? Where did they go?" Annabeth looked around rapidly.

"Yeah, we still had one more guy," Clarisse huffed.

A shadow fell over them and they anxiously turned around, only to be faced with the manager. He raised an eyebrow at them, held up the check, and then pointed at the table with it.

"Crap," Annabeth muttered.

"Fuuuuck. Shit man, we're fuckin' left to foot the bill," Clarisse cursed.

Approximately $200 poorer, they were walking away dejectedly from the restaurant, with a certain Son of Hades trailing behind them even more dejected.

"Sorry, Nico," Annabeth tried to console him.

"Yeah, sorry you didn't get to have your long-awaited date with Percy," Clarisse said, which made Nico grow an aura of gloom around him. "Whoops, I was insensitive, wasn't I?"

"Just shut up, Clarisse. Just shut up," Nico grumbled.

Started 12/ 29/12 – Completed 12/30/12

A/n: Wow, I really didn't expect this to be received so well. It's such an oddball idea, and yet people want to read it. You guys are just so awesome. And my OC…that he's so popular amazes (especially because he's an OC). Seriously, you guys rock.

This is semi-crack, I'm pretty sure, so…it's not really meant to be taken completely seriously XD