Diary of an Ordinary Citizen of Camelot

Year Five (under insane troll time, of course)

Hot juicy rumor around town. Morgana has captured numerous Knights of Camelot (including the delectable Gwaine and the well-built Percival) and is keeping them in a secret underground cavern, shirtless. Her story is that they're mining for the key of all knowledge—but after spending what, three years, alone in frigid wasteland, it's no wonder she felt the need for some eye candy. We girls understand. I'm already packing my winter clothes.

Myself and the other woman have taken up camp outside Morgana's tower. We even built our own small town. I know I need to get back to my shop—the orders of clothing are piling up—but then I get another peek of Gwaine without his shirt, and I just can't tear myself away.

It was second cousin thrice removed Laurel who spotted King Arthur and his men coming our way. Naturally, we all ran to the woods and hid. How were we supposed to explain if someone recognized us, and asked what we were doing so far from Camelot and why we had so many binoculars?

Only the druids were left behind, because they were all stoned, of course. We didn't invite them, but any time anyone in Camelot is throwing a party, the druids show up. King Arthur thought they were dead and buried them, luckily in shallow enough graves that they were able to crawl out. Do any of the nobles in Camelot know how to take a pulse?

This might explain why none of them ever noticed the undead epidemic.

Me and the girls are packing up to go home. Now that Arthur is here, he's bound to give Gwaine and the rest their shirts back (the spoilsport).

The druid Albert came staggering over to our camp. He said that he might have babbled something to Arthur's servant Merlin about Arthur's Bane while under the influence, and caused a little panic.

Naturally, Albert felt terrible about this, and once he recovered from being buried alive by King Arthur, he went after the kid. But Merlin had already summoned his dragon friend, who confirmed Merlin's fears, so Albert didn't think it would do any good.

Merlin really needs to learn that if he keeps summoning Kilgharrah for every little thing, the dragon is going to have his revenge, in this case by playing along with Albert's little story. Dragons are not pets, and they're not known for their honesty either.

My middle biggest brother Ted, who shares an interest with his sisters in shirtless knights if you know what I mean, was spying on Gwaine and his scrumptious pecs, when he spotted some sort of silver creature with an egg-shaped head who claimed to be the source of all knowledge.

I told Ted to check and make sure that the druids' "special" tea leaves hadn't gotten into any of his food. Because frankly, what he was describing sounded just plain stupid.

While the rest of us were trekking back to Camelot, Sarah-Anne decided that she wasn't done yet. She set out two rabbits and a rope trap in hopes of getting King Arthur caught by Morgana, who would then presumably take his shirt too.

We're lucky no one was killed. Sarah Anne is terrible at setting traps; the last one beheaded an innocent bird, and she was trying to catch a rabbit. My second-oldest step aunt should have spanked that girl as a child.

Rumor has it that Queen Guinevere's new servant is sneaking out to meet a lover in the woods. Let the betting begin.

My middle half-brother's fourth son Eric saw the servant Sefa meeting her father Ruadan in the woods. Everyone was in a tizzy and we were about to go alert the guard when sensible old second cousin John pointed out that Sefa was probably not in an incestuous affair with her own father. She was just spying on Camelot for him. Then we all calmed down and started taking bets on how long before she was caught.

The betting pot on Sefa's escape has gone terribly wrong. Absolutely no one bet that her father would die rescuing her. But how were we supposed to know that he would try to fight several knights at once with only his sword, and then wait until he got stabbed before using magic to escape? Why would he possibly do that? He could have used magic to escape from the beginning!

Because no one won, Marv decided he is keeping all the money for himself, again. The rotter. This has happened too many times to tolerate. We took him to the court of crones, but he found an ancient statute and they were forced to rule in his favor.

I'm very tempted to gather some of the girls from my bridge-and-potions club and express our displeasure to Marv in a dark alley. But scumbag or not, he is family.

The Knights are back in Camelot, and unfortunately covered by full-body armor. Gwaine is adorable when he's scruffy from long-term imprisonment. I just want to nibble on his earlobe.

I won five copper on a bet that Morgana wouldn't manage to kill a single person. Of course, given the way she couldn't even kill Uther when she had him locked in her dungeon, I didn't get a very good return on my wager.

Mordred, the newest Knight of the Round Table, stopped by the tavern today looking for advice. He told us all about how his years of therapy had allowed him to overcome his hatred for the Pendragons, and how his dream was to reconcile Arthur and Morgana as a loving brother and sister.

Mordred saved Arthur's life, then he tried to gently persuade Morgana to see a psychiatrist, but he was forced to save Arthur from her again. Now he wanted to know if we could recommend a good shrink for Arthur to help him get over Uther's brainwashing against magic.

He is such a sweet boy. He's been through so much, and he's still full of kindness. I just want to ruffle his hair and bake him chocolate chip cookies.

Bad news. King Arthur has somehow gotten his hands on a device that raises the dead.

We all know who will be the first person who comes back from the dead will be: Uther "Unmissed and Unmourned" Pendragon.

Just when we'd finished ridding Camelot of the undead!

Uther is haunting Camelot as a poltergeist. I called that one before he was even cold in the ground. Ten silvers to me, but in this case even money won't make me happy.

He had just better not take over a new body. If Arthur tries to prop his father's corpse back on the throne, he's in for a surprise. We are not taking Uther back.

I made some fake documents that claim that Mordred is Arthur's bastard son, or Morgana's bastard son, or some variation thereof, as long as it makes him the rightful heir to the throne. First sign of Uther coming back and the Underground is going to revolt. If we put Mordred on the throne, then we can finally have a king who's already had therapy instead of desperately needing it.

Three bathrooms. Five bedrooms. Two studies. Apple trees in the backyard and storage space in the attic. A state-of-the-art kitchen, a dining room that seats twenty, and my own hidden magic workroom in the basement. I am the proud owner of a new house!

The court of crones ruled that Arthur banishing his father back to the afterlife was close enough to patricide for them. They were probably just bitter at Cousin Marv for the last case, but the bet I made when Arthur was just a little princeling has now paid off.

I knew that one day Arthur would finally notice his father's constant attempts to kill him. I'm rich! I apologize for any disloyalty I may have shown to Arthur in the past. He's the best king we ever had. I might even start telling him when I see an assassin headed his way.

What can I say, I'm easily bribed.

Breaking news: beautiful princess visits Camelot! No bets necessary on whether she's involved in yet another plot to kill King Arthur.

I should warn King Arthur, I really should. But interfering would invalidate my bet on who will discover that Morgana is disguised as a servant first.

Forgive me, Your Majesty. I am a weak, gambling-addicted woman.

I caught little Marla hiding in a tree listening to a conversation between Physician Gauis and Arthur's servant Merlin. When I confronted her, she admitted this was one of the secrets to her gambling accuracy. Whenever Gaius talks to Merlin, he's always wrong. If he says the princess is just tired, then she's probably being threatened by her servant who is Morgana in disguise. If he tells Merlin not to do something, you could safely bet a 100 gold on Merlin doing just that.

Most recently, Gaius has claimed that Mordred is not going to have something to do with Arthur's death. Marla says Arthur is now doomed. (Oddly enough, this does not work when Gaius is talking to anyone besides Merlin. You could ask him about the medicines when he's walking down the street, and he'd get it right.)

Marla offered to share more of Gaius' words of wisdom with me, but I couldn't possibly steal the success from my baby sister's littlest girl. Her secret is safe with me.

Queen Guinevere is sneaking out of the castle at in the middle of the night. She's the only person left in Camelot who hasn't tried to kill Arthur at some point, so no need to bet on what is going on.

Gwen's first attempt to kill Arthur was laughingly obvious and easily avoided. There is only one person who is that terrible at killing the king. Ten silvers on Morgana.

I couldn't get Cousin Marv to take my bet. Even Gaius has noticed that Morgana is controlling Gwen. You can't get any more obvious than that.

On another note, Merlin is in prison and it's not for being a sorcerer. How clueless can the nobles of Camelot get?

A druid boy came to Camelot looking for healing. Except why would he go to the Castle's physician when almost every household in Camelot has one witch or wizard in residence? This is very peculiar.

Not nearly as interesting as a rumor started by Queen Gwen that Merlin has a girlfriend. Without us knowing? Unlikely.

My father's middle aunt's seventh oldest step-grandchild Maxine (the one who ran off to the forest to shack up with a druid) dropped by the tavern with some odd news. She saw Merlin go into a cave and beat up an old woman. Shocking. I remember when he was such a nice boy…

Maxine came by for bridge and she mentioned that Merlin had been spotted in the mountains, cross-dressing. He's clearly going through a rebellious phase. I blame lack of responsible role models in his life.

Little Marla won 5 gold betting that Finna would turn out to be working for Alator not Morgana, and that Merlin would go looking for her. She says the Gaius Curse continues. I'm the only one who knows what that means.

On another note, why are people so fired up about whether Morgana learns who Emrys is? She's been trying to kill Arthur, and Uther before him, for years and failed miserably at every turn. What do they think she's going do to Emrys, monologue him to death?

Oooooh, my aching head! What is in that potion I drank last night?

Crap.

What was in that potion I drank a week ago?

Very, very bad news. While I and the other members of the bridge-and-potions club spent a week laid up with a purple unicorn hangover, thanks to dear second cousin once removed Maud's bad batch of potions, disaster struck Camelot.

First, one of our druid foreign exchange students got involved with a radical political party. You know how young sorcery students can be, all up in arms about their rights and freedom from the police state. This little firebrand managed to get caught by the Knights of Camelot in between dating one of them (Mordred).

There's no denying that the girl went too far. But the real problem here is that King Arthur thinks the only way to stop someone from being dangerous is to execute them. I suppose if someone stole a loaf of bread, he'd have to decide between killing them or letting them go? What does he think his prison cells are for?

In the past, the Underground has managed to subtly interfere with the nobility's excesses. But this time, our best sorcerers were down and out for the count until it was too late. This time, Camelot is going to face consequences.

Mordred's therapist stopped by the tavern, said that he missed his last appointment. Uh oh.

Morgana found a way to disable our magic. Shit just got real.

Morgana's army outnumbers Camelot's. How did that happen? Arthur is the king, he can draft people. Morgana doesn't even have any money, how is she paying her soldiers? Did she raise an army of women who want to see her take off Gwaine's shirt again?

Merlin has run off with Gwaine. Arthur clearly lost out on that love triangle.

No one collected any money. We're too depressed to even bet on Arthur's love life.

Marla placed ten gold down that Merlin will save Camelot.

We're all doomed. Doomed.

Camelot still stands. But our King has fallen.

So many have been lost. Gwaine and Mordred are dead, and Merlin is missing. Arthur slumbers at Avalon, waiting for the day when his country needs him.

If only we had been kinder to Arthur when we had the chance. We should never have stolen his belongings, taken bets on his love life, and ignored assassination attempts. If everyone had been more honest with him about our magic, maybe we could have prevented this tragedy.

…I bet five gold that Arthur is back next week. Camelot seems to need saving on a regular basis, after all.

Epilogue:

Merlin's heart pounded in his chest as he stumbled away from Avalon. It was just like Arthur to start demanding breakfast the instant he was awake. Merlin should have known, and had a feast prepared.

Avalon was not the kind of island that just anyone could find. So Merlin had no idea what to make of the sight of three people dressed in modern clothes, waving frantically. The first was an old woman with one eye. The second was a bulky bald man. The third was a prettily androgynous teenager.

"When did he wake up?" the old woman demanded, waving her cane at Merlin.

Merlin said, "You mean Arthur?"

"Of course! Was it before or after midnight? This is very important!"

Merlin demanded, "Why do you want to know? Who are you?"

The trio exchanged looks. The teenager said, "We're descendants of the citizens of Camelot, loyally waiting our King's return."

Merlin had hid his magic for enough years to recognize bullshit when he heard it. "Why are you really here?"

The bald man admitted, "We might have possibly made a bet that needs settling about when King Arthur will wake up."

Merlin exclaimed, "A bet? You're here on a bet?"

The teenager said, "Our ancestors started it."

The one-eyed old woman said, "It seems that after King Arthur entered his slumber, people grossly underestimated how long he would remain asleep. No one betted on longer than a year. But according to my many times great grandmother's diary-" she waved a book in the air "-if they had called off the bet than someone named 'Cousin Marv' would have kept all the money, which was unacceptable. So the court of crones ruled that bets on Arthur's resurrection would be passed on to the descendants, who would be able to make a new guess."

The bald man said, "It started as a little fun at the tavern. A few coins here and there. But it's been over a thousand years, and now those coins are each worth millions to a collector."

"To say nothing of the interest," the woman added.

The teenager said, "The real money is from the objects people threw in. It was a joke at first, adding granny's rocking chair to that silly bet we inherited from grandpa, but now all the items are antiques. Also, people bet magical potions and devices, and you know how much rarer magic has become these days."

The one-eyed woman said, "We estimate the entire pot is worth $2.6 billion in US currency. Give or take $10 million."

Merlin couldn't believe his ears. "You people bet over two billion dollars on when Arthur would come back? What is wrong with you?"

The three exchanged sheepish glances. The woman said, "We're just ordinary citizens of Camelot."

The End