I know that I should probably be writing chapters for my other stories (or start the essay that is due tomorrow), but ever since I finished Clockwork Prince, I've been in an angsty writing space and this is me, trying to get out of it. Besides, I have an extremely unstable theory about how the Jem/Tessa/Will triangle will settle itself out and I needed to write about it. So there.

TID isn't mine. If it was, I would be putting this in Clockwork Princess and making money to buy Christmas presents with, not posting it online where I end up as broke as I started (minus all the feedback, of course). Duh.

Propriety

Tessa woke up from up from yet another dream of a dying, bloody Will with a silent scream still trapped in her throat. It seemed to be that the closer her wedding to Jem came, the more vivid her nightmares grew. She hoped that she wasn't about to learn that she also had the gift of prophecy along with her shape-shifting. More likely, it was her subconscious making its aching for Will prominent. So prominent, in fact, that she could see him now, sleeping in the chair next to her bed. Slowly, the fogginess of sleep wore off and Tessa realized that Will was quite real this time. And he was in her room.

Tessa's first thought was that this was very improper of him. Her second thought was that this was Will and propriety mattered to him about as much as it did to Church.

"Will!" Tessa hissed. "Wake up, Will!"

He did so almost immediately which Tessa took as a sign that he was completely sober. Good. They could have an intellectual conversation then. Or maybe an awkward one. An intellectually awkward conversation. Tessa almost smiled. But then she remembered that Will was here and they were alone and words, once spoken, could never be put to rest.

"Hello, Tessa," Will said as if they were merely running into each other in the hall on their way to dinner. If that was how Will wanted to play it, Tessa thought fiercely, then he was about to be very disappointed.

"What are you doing in my room?" Tessa asked politely, trying to keep her voice quiet. The last thing she needed was for someone to come in, hearing voices and thinking something was going on.

"Is it yours?" Will replied, looking around. "I didn't know. How very strange." But he didn't make a single move to leave, nor did Tessa ask him to, even as she thought about all the things Aunt Harriet might have said about Tessa having a boy in her room—especially since she was engaged to his best friend, his parabati.

And that made this about more than propriety. Tessa was going to marry Jem. It was a fact she never let stray too far from her mind, always bringing it closer whenever she felt she was paying more attention to Will than she might any friend of hers.

Now Tessa turned her eyes to her fingers, which were gripping her blanket tightly. She didn't want to look at Will and run the risk of seeing his tormented gaze. There was nothing in the world worse to look at than his magnificent set of haunted, dark blue eyes. Nothing, Tessa reminded herself, except the thought of causing an irreparable rift between Will and Jem.

And even as she thought of all these things, Tessa still found herself exasperated at Will's ever-consistent inability to take anything seriously, no matter the time or place. And it was through her exasperation that she found her voice again.

"Don't be smart with me, William," she said. It was a nice name, Tessa thought. And somehow it sounded so different when she said it from all the times she had heard it come from Jem. It was not her American tones that made it sound different. It was the light catch in her voice that came. Jem never would have said Will's name quite so breathily and to be honest, Tessa shouldn't have said it in such a way either.

"I'll be as smart as I like, Theresa," Will informed her pleasantly. Tessa blinked and Will, mistaking her silence for one of frustration instead of one of unbidden elation, smiled slightly and said, "It isn't such a fun experience when it's being done to you, now is it?"

Actually, it was quite a lovely experience, and she almost wanted to demand that he say it again, just so she could commit it to her memory.

Jem, Tessa thought firmly, and from the way the smile dropped so suddenly from Will's face, he was thinking it too.

"Good night, Tess," he said quietly. He stood up, but didn't leave. Instead, he reached over to Tessa and touched her cheek lightly. She knew what he was doing; he was memorizing her, savoring her, because this—them —would never happen again.

The thought made Tessa burn. She couldn't lose Will forever. But how could she think that, when she was about to have Jem forever?

"You love Jem," Will said, and for a moment Tessa thought she had spoken out loud. But no, it seemed almost as if Will was talking to himself. "And Jem loves you."

And that was all very well and true—

"But I love you, too," Tessa whispered. And that was why this whole thing was so very wrong.

"Jem deserves you," Will said after a pause and several shaky breaths. "I do not."

If things were really that simple, Tessa wanted to demand, then why did this hurt so much? And wasn't Will contradicting himself by saying such a thing? Didn't that make Tessa the one who didn't deserve either one of them?

In the end, Tessa watched him walk out the door without saying a word. After all, what did it do besides prolong the pain?

Tessa would marry Jem and then...and then what? She would spend the whole marriage—however long or short it might be—longing for Will. Jem would take care of her, love her, protect her, stand by her. And what would Tessa have to show for it? Half a heart, for the other half belonged to Will. Maybe even more than half, Tessa thought unhappily. Because she would always feel this pull towards Will, the attraction, the passion. The love. It would never go away and that was no life, not for anyone.

Jem especially deserved much better than that, Tessa decided. Even if she could never be with Will, Jem at least deserved to be with someone who would love him and him alone. Tessa would never be that someone. Therefore, she could not be his wife.

With this conviction in mind, Tessa sat up abruptly, shoving the blankets off. She would go to Jem right now, waking him up if she had to, and she would set this mess to rights. Forgetting that she was most indecently dressed to go wandering the halls of the Institute at night, Tessa put her hand on her doorknob.

Without warning came the knock that made Tessa freeze.

Only one person in the whole building knocked that softly, as if pounding too hard might shatter their bones. Jem had a certain way of doing certain things, and knocking was one of them. And then Tessa panicked. She had been counting on the extra minute or two she would have to either frame her words to Jem, or lose her courage and go back to bed. But now he was here and Tessa was backed into a corner.

Nonetheless, she opened the door and stepped out just the tiniest bit. There was nothing left, Tessa decided, but to be honest.

"We have to end the engagement," Jem said softly, almost sadly. Tessa opened her mouth—although what she would have said exactly forever remained a mystery to her—but Jem cut her off quickly. "I do love you, Tessa, truly. And that's why we can't get married. I can't subject you to half a marriage. I will always love you, but with her, it's more than love. It's love and life and everything beautiful. It's my world. She is my world. And I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you sooner but—"

"She?" Tessa asked. Was Jem really breaking off the engagement? And it wasn't about his illness or even Will, but another girl? Tessa felt as if she had stepped into a world parallel to her own. Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

Jem hesitated and looked almost guilty as he said, "Cecily."

The irony of the situation was not at all lost on Tessa and she almost laughed when she said, "Cecily? Will's sister Cecily?"

If it were Will, he probably would have said something like, "No, Tessa, the other Cecily" but this was Jem and so he nodded, looking quite ready to face what he probably thought would be akin to the guillotine.

"It would seem," Tessa said slowly, "that there is something about the Herondales."

For the rest of her life, Tessa would wonder what it was that sent the gears in Jem's mind ticking. Had her enigmatic words really been enough, or had there been a strange smile on her face? Whatever the case, she watched without a word as Jem looked back on every word, every glance, every smile, every moment that had ever passed between Tessa and Will until the very truth dawned on him. It didn't take long. Jem was usually very perceptive, and now that his eyes were no longer clouded by love...

"Ah," he said. He did not ask for any other information, nor did he seem to judge Tessa or Will for keeping this from him. He simply smiled and said, "Jessamine would have said that it's because of their Welsh blood."

"Yes," Tessa agreed. "She would have." They were silent as Tessa hastily returned every trinket to Jem, imagining how much better they would look on Cecily. The thought made Tessa smile.

"Charlotte is going to be displeased," Jem said thoughtfully. "She already had so much of the wedding planned out." Tessa laughed softly. How very Jem-like, thinking of how the cancellation of his wedding might cause problems for others.

"We'll just tell her that yelling isn't good during a pregnancy," Tessa said. Jem kissed her lightly on the mouth in response. Tessa watched him leave, completely peaceful, if not slightly stunned at how well things had turned out. She and Jem would still be friends and Will...she could have Will. She just needed to find him and—

Tessa closed her eyes. No. No, that could wait until the morning. Puzzling out one mess was quite enough for one night. Tessa moved back into her room and started to pull the door shut, but a pale, long-fingered hand kept it open.

"I suppose," Will said lazily as he pushed his way inside Tessa's room, "this means I'm going to have to sit down with Jem and discuss his intentions towards my little sister." He looked delighted by the prospect.

"It would appear so," Tessa said, her own smile widening. Will kissed her then, or maybe she kissed him. Tessa was never really sure, and the question never came up because it didn't really matter. What mattered was that this kiss was different. Slow and unrestrained, as Will's hands came up to pull her closer. Curious, even. But that wasn't quite the word for it either. The word was...loving. Yes, that was it. Loving.

The kiss was also very improper.

Tessa forced herself to step back and said exactly that, even if the effect was ruined by her incriminatingly uneven breaths and feverishly pink cheeks.

"Ah yes," Will said, still with a slightly dazed look on his face. "Because propriety has always been so very important to us."

Us. It was a delightful word, Tessa mused. A very delightful word, especially since it was possible now. There was an "us". But she had to push all the romantic thoughts aside and be sensible for once.

"I think we should do things right this time," Tessa insisted.

"Would you like me to get down on one knee and propose to you right here, right now?" Will asked.

"Would you?" Tessa asked and Will snorted.

"I do read, Tess," he said, a glimmer of mischief appearing in his eyes. "I'll think up something much more romantic than that and I'll be damned if it doesn't make all those heroes in your books look like unimaginative twits. You deserve it. But until then—"

And then he proceeded to tell her exactly what he thought of propriety. It was very well worded and quite eloquently put, so Tessa didn't protest when he kissed her again, nor did she complain when Will closed the door behind him, regardless of what Aunt Harriet might have said about it.

Okay, I admit it probably won't happen like that. If the resolution was that anti-climatic, everyone would be extremely disappointed. But is it really so hard to imagine that Jem might end up falling in love with Cecily? Or am I just getting really good at wishful thinking? Okay. Time to write that essay now...or, you know, not.