When Love Fails

Disclaimer:

Jule: I do not own Harry Potter, even though I'm pretty sure J.K Rowling hacked into my dreams and took the idea.

Harry: Oh come off it Jules, we both know Jo is my rightful owner, clean and clear.

Jule: *Rolls eyes* Do you really want my plot bunny to make your life a living hell.

Harry: Aren't you doing that already?

Jule: Well... yeah but...

Harry: But whatever, can we start now?

Jule: Yeah... I suppose so. *kicks the dirt sadly*

Chapter One

It shouldn't have ended this way. Love wasn't suppose to push you off the edge. Was it? Isn't love aimed to save you from it? Pull you back just in time? Protect you from all the failure of the world around? Sweet Merlin, how did I ever let it get this bad.

Thinking about it now, I know that I have no one to blame but my self. A part of me, the smart side, my rational mind, had warned me against my feelings. Told me that some things in life were better left unsaid, untouched, untested, because no good could ever come from it. But then... then there was my heart. What a treacherous thing. Constantly whispering in my ear words of encouragement. Elbowing me towards something that promised to be the greatest thing in the world.

Oh, how I wish I had just put a stop to those thoughts as quickly as they had come. I know now that if I had, I wouldn't be were I am now. Feeling the amount of pain that is currently running rampant throughout my body.

Staring off into the dark clouded night with no hope in the world to pull me back, I think back to the moment which had started it all...

"Hey little punk!" greeted Sirius as he entered the kitchen.

We were both staying in his anserterial home, thanks mostly to the Dursley having to go on a full summer vacation without me. Though I suppose at least something good had come out of it for once, seeing as Dumbledore hadn't wanted me unsupervised, and well... Sirius I guess just wanted me around.

"H-hey Siri." I responded with a slight blush as I looked away from him. I don't know why, but for one reason or another I could never seem to get used to seeing him walking around in just his pj bottoms. There was just something simply over whelming about the way they hung so low on his hips. Let us not mention the chest that showcased its self, well toned, sprinkled with the lightest bit of hair, and a happy trail that led to something I was pretty sure I would never survive seeing.

Thoughts.

Fantasies.

Things I should not be thinking about when concerning my godfather, but I just couldn't push the images of myself running my fingers lightly over said chest, pinching a nipple with one hand while the other takes a strong lead to lower, better things. They road through my mind like a cursed broom and I couldn't have bothered to snap out of it till Sirius flicked my ear.

"You alright there kiddo? You look pretty spaced out?" he teased as he ruffled my hair before grabbing a seat across from me.

Kreacher was quicker in getting him his coffee, toast, eggs, bacon, and pancakes, than he had about getting me my glass of OJ and cereal. Just another reminder that he was still not happy about my staying there.

"Yeah, sorry bout that, just trying to think up something to do for the day." I stated in a voice that sounded more like myself. Yay me!

"You don't say?"

"I do."

"Invited?"

"Perhaps..."

"Town?"

"Later."

"First?"

"Flying."

"River?"

"Course."

"In?"

"Fine."

A month.

That's how long it took before we started these one word answer conversations. At first it had seemed funny to me, almost like a game. Now, it was just something else we shared. Because even though it drove my mind and body way over the top at times, Sirius and I were always together. Flying in the mornings, reading before lunch, pranks during or after lunch, followed closely by a quick duel (mostly tickle charms), serious study time (if you can call Sirius making jokes galore over one very batty Professor studying), dinner, chess... blah, blah, blah, you get the picture. It wasn't always in that order, and sometimes we ventured out and did something new, but we both seemed to like our routine.

"Ready?" he asked as he chugged the last of his coffee, while patting his tummy.

I couldn't help but grin at the sight. Can you say cute?

"Yeah, I'll wait down here for you." I chuckled out as I moved to gather all the dishes and put them in the sink, just out of habit. I didn't dare wash them for fear of what Kreacher might do.

"Whatever for my dearest cub?"

"You need to get dressed...?"

"Says who?"

"Ummmmm... aren't we going flying?" I asked as I leaned against the counter with my arms crossed in front of me. He of course was still sitting at the table staring at the ceiling.

How much had Kreacher feed him?

"Your not going back to bed are you?" I asked with a grin, because if you know Siri, you know that he tends to go into a coma like state when over fed.

"What? No, I can go flying like this you know. Its not like I have anyone to impress."

Did I just roll my eyes?

Yeah, I think I did. Who the hell was Siri kidding? The man could walk around dressed in hobo clothes and people would still be chasing his ass. Ohhhh his ass. What would it take for me to be able to grab hold of that scrumptious peace of flesh and squeeze to my hearts content?

Probably would have slapped myself in the face for that thought, but Sirius was looking at me now, waiting for something. Had he asked something?

"Okay." I said because I didn't think I could go wrong with that answer.

"Well come on then, last one to the river has too..."

I didn't let him finish. I was already out the door and heading to the shed that contained our brooms. I was not going to fall into another one of his little traps.

Not that it would have mattered.

Seeing his broom zoom out of the shed, reminded me why it was that I had lost this particular race all summer. How hard was it to remember a simple summing charm. I mean, I am of age and what not.

So you can only imagine how far behind I was by the time I finally did get a hold of my broom. Then again that doesn't mean that I didn't put up one hell of a fight to beat him.

Hmmm... thinking about it now, the only reason I lost this race might have had something to do with the fact that I couldn't seem to take my eyes off of Sirius.

Perfection.

It's the only word I could think. He was just perfect with his chest pressed smoothly against the handle of his own firebolt, arms stretched before him, flexed in such a way that made his muscles pop. Let us not forget the glow of his tanned skin in the morning sun.

So enthralled with said sight I was, that I hadn't even noticed the tree branch in front of me till it was to late.

Honestly, even though I hit nearly every branch on the way down, I was more concerned with my broom, which continued on without me for a while longer before falling down to the forest floor as well.

Which compared to the branches, was lucky.

Can someone say stupid?

Cause that's pretty much how I felt while I groaned on the floor.

Even worse, was the look I got from Sirius when he finally realized I wasn't behind him.

"Sooooo... did you actually have a reason for smacking every branch on your way down?" he asked with a hint of humor as he looked me over.

"Just wanted to see how many I could hit before hitting the bottom, I'm pretty sure that's a record."

"One even I would never want to break." he laughed when he realized I was fine. A bit scraped up, but nothing to worry about.

"Whatever." I laughed nervously. He had been closer than close as he looked me over and I don't think I would have been able to hide my body's reaction in time if he hadn't stepped back and gone to fetch my broom.

Flipping teenage hormones going nuts over nothing!

No.

Not nothing.

Sirius.

By the time we made it to the river I was in dire need of it.

Have you any idea how not comfy it is to ride a broom when you have a ... well you know where I was going with it?

So ditching my broom I ran to the river and jumped in, clothes, shoes and all.

I could feel eyes on me, but for once I couldn't be bothered. My little problem was being solved with the help of the cool water, and I couldn't have been more grateful.

Well that was of course till something, well someone, began pulling me under the water.

Siri of course, playing his little games.

"Argh, seriously Sirius, I just want to have a relaxing swim. Can't you back off for a bit?" I pleaded as I fought to catch my breath.

"Don't be such a ponce." he laughed as he splashed water in my face.

There it was again.

Ponce, an offensive term for an effeminate or gay man.

I don't think Siri kept tract of how many times a day he used that word, but I did. And he used it a lot. Which only helped to confirm my suspicions that he had something against gays.

Shaking my head I slowly made my way out of the water with him calling my name.

I know, I really shouldn't have been bothered. He was just joking around, right?

Right?

Sitting down by the edge of the river I let my thoughts wonder for a bit, while I worked on calming my breathing.

Calming it down before it became a panic attack, because I knew that fear was trying to get the best of me. The fear that if Sirius ever found out that I was gay, a ponce, he would no longer love me, or want me as a godson.

Which was something I could never live with. Sirius was all that I had left in the world. One of my last links to my parents and losing him would be like losing a rather large part of myself.

"Harry, kid, what the hell?" asked Sirius.

I didn't look up at him. I couldn't. Not when I wasn't sure what my face would give away.

"Harry, mate, you're scaring me..."

I snapped there.

It just happened so fast. Fear quickly morphed to anger, then rage in a matter of seconds.

Scaring him. I was scaring him? Scaring him how? Had my reaction to his slur given me away? Was that all it took to confirm who I was? What I was?

"What the hell do you have against gays. huh?" I yelled at him as I jumped up to my feet and pushed him away. For a split second my thoughts focused on how soft his flesh had felt under my hands, but my anger was quick to cover that up.

"Scared that they might attack you in the streets or something? Rape you?" I knew I was on a rampage. One that could very well get me kicked out, but I couldn't stop now. So ignoring his completely shocked face I continued.

"You might be good looking Sirius Orien Black, but even gays like me have standards. Standards that homophobes like you could never reach! So fuck you!" I yelled before actually wandlessly, wordlessly summing my broom and taking to the air faster than I have ever done.

I didn't know where I was going. I just knew that I needed to get away from Sirius. Away from his blank face that gave nothing away. The very look he wore whenever someone mentioned anything concerning Azkaban or Voldemort for that matter.

I could never go back now. Not after Sirius had proven my fears right.

Could I?

Authors Notes: Hope you enjoyed this little chappy. I must admit that this is my first fanfic ever and I am a little worried on how people are going to take it. English is not my first language so don't judge me to harshly. :)

Reviews are always welcomed, as well as is advice.

Thanks!