It gets lonely out here sometimes.

By the time you were old enough to understand the strange concept of friends your own age – or for that matter, any idea of a normal life – you already understood that it was not something you would ever get to experience.

You know that it isn't so different for most kids. Matria is no lusus, of course, but trolls don't really interact with each other until they're older. Strong enough to fight back.

You tell yourself you don't mind that it's just the two of you. You tell yourself you're not missing much. You tell yourself that the loneliness has nothing to do with why you're here.

It makes sense. An adult jade blood on the surface alone would attract attention. You do too, of course, but you're small. Adults consider you beneath their notice, and on the off-chance one decides you're an easy target, or takes offence at the lack of sign on your chest, the threat of an 'unseen lusus' generally acts as a deterrent.

Generally.

Not always, but you can disappear if you want to, and fight if you have to. The former is your first choice, but the latter is sometimes necessary, if you're too slow to react.

Once they cut you, you don't have a choice. One drop of blood means you're fighting for your life. What you are isn't even worth a mock trial. If you were lucky, they'd cut you down before you could betray Matria. If not…

You remind yourself of the consequences every day. You have to. At night, it's too easy to forget.

You think that it's because you're distracted by thoughts of the dreams that you don't hear her approach. It's only later, much later, that you realise how stealthy she can be when she wants to be.

But that will come later. Now, you are somewhat preoccupied – no more by the thought of dreams, but rather by the sudden and unexpected appearance of a girl on your chest.

What.

There are a few moments where your thinkpan attempts to adjust to this sudden change in reality and the equally sudden change in the orientation of gravity, which is shortly replaced the resettling of the ground to occupy a space formerly thought of as behind you, but now more correctly called beneath.

What.

There are a couple more moments wherein you begin to scramble for your sickle, and must instead come to terms with the fact that your arms are now pinned tightly to the ground and even though this girl is half your size and you are struggling as hard as you can she isn't budging.

What?

And finally, there is the point at which you look at her, and that is the point at which the thoughts of dreams return with a vengeance.

What?

You recognise her so fast you wonder if a part of you already knew this was going to happen. After all, you can't exactly get a good view from this angle – the image of her face is distorted, too close for your eyes to focus properly, and all you can see is her eyes, huge and unblinking and carrying only the faintest tint of green.

But that's enough for you to know her. You can already see the rest of the picture in your mind – the sharp smile, the broad horns, the curling symbol. You want to see it, here in front of you, for real, because this means that the dreams aren't madness and you aren't broken, and perhaps this is what you've always been waiting for.

But she has you pinned to the ground, and you aren't going anywhere. What do you do now? It's out of your hands.

She has already noticed your strange reaction. She sits up a little, and you can finally make out the rest of her face – yes, it's her, it's real, not insane – as she pouts down at you, careful to keep you down.

"Why aren't you fighting back?" she asks. She's curious, but the tone is more disappointed than anything else. "It's not a challenge at all!"

You want to say something, explain, but it's hard – there's so much you can't tell her, because even the dreams don't make it safe to talk about some things. It's only when you try to stutter that you realise she's winded you so badly you can't make a sound.

She glares at you, and it's a look so familiar it aches. You're ruining the game…

There's a sigh, and you blink, and she's gone.

You continue to lie on the ground for a second, because you're in no state to go after her and you need to think. It's exactly how you dreamed it – she's small, but fast, and strong, and playing a game you don't understand. What throws you most is her age – she couldn't be more than a sweep different to you. After Matria, you hadn't expected that.

By the time you struggle to your feet, the girl – what was her name, it's on the tip of your tongue – is long gone. You smile to yourself, knowing that even if you had left up right after her she could have lost you in seconds if she wanted to. The smile fades fast as you remember that you have no right to know this. The dreams are not normal, you are not safe here, and you need to hurry home.

You shouldn't dream at all, but sopor is hard to come by and it's always been easier to go without. Matria hardly sleeps, not even in the middle of the day. And you – well, you've never wanted to get rid of your dreams. You feel a little guilty about enjoying them sometimes, knowing how much easier things would be if you were normal – but then, you have never been at all normal.

Especially not – and except when – you're asleep.

By the time you realise how much the encounter has shaken you, you're within sight of the cave currently called 'home' and it's too late.

You're an idiot. You caught her attention. You know the way she thinks. She isn't going to just leave you alone.

You led her straight here.

It's already too late to lose her – not that you're sure you could – so you bite back the fear and keep walking and don't draw your sickle until the rocks around the cave mouth have hidden you from view.

This time you're ready for her.

But, of course, that doesn't mean she doesn't surprise you.

She strolls into the clearing like it's home m which in a funny way it is, and she doesn't stop until she's dangerously close to the cave mouth. Her mere presence, encroaching so close on the territory of you and your non-existent lusus, could be taken as a challenge, but she is relaxed, watching, waiting for you. you know she knows you're watching.

"You shouldn't have followed me here."

That's a good start. Trolls give each other space. She doesn't need to know that if Matria hasn't emerged by now, that means you're alone in here with nothing but a sickle on your side. This isn't a fight you can win.

"You didn't struggle," she says, "and you noticed me stalking after you, didn't you? You're interesting, prey."

"You think I'm prey?"

She shrugs. "You're a stranger." Like it's the most natural thing in the world. It probably is.

"That's… cruel."

She blinks at you, slowly. You shouldn't have said that, she doesn't understand. In this world, avoiding cruelty is a novel concept.

She takes a step closer, peering into the darkness, even though you know she can barely see you.

"There's something different about you…"

Too late. She's noticed something. It doesn't matter what. When someone says those words, you have two options: run or kill. But you don't want to kill anyone, and for the first time you don't feel like running either.

The sky is getting light. Matria is probably gone for the day. A stupid thought occurs to you, and you can't unthink it.

"Do you have a place to spend the day?"

She looks over her shoulder.

"My lusus –"

"Pounce de Leon can wait outside."

She squeaks with surprise, but you can't unsay it now and you won't explain it here.

"I'll explain if you come inside."

"No-one's list-"

"Inside."

She hesitates for just a moment before nodding, and so it all begins.

You sometimes wonder what would have happened if she had said no.

But she comes in and you tell her everything because even though you know it's crazy you can't help yourself, and the craziest part is that she doesn't flinch away. You keep talking through most of the day – her as much as you, and she has some strange ideas, the kind you can only get by living your whole life away from everyone, and being safely greenblooded at that. But it's so strange, hearing her point of view – as strange as yours is to her, and you talk until you both fall asleep.

When Matria got home she must have been terrified at the sight of a strange girl sleeping next to you, and you never stopped wondering what made her hesitate long enough for you to wake up and explain things, and it becomes the four of you.

With a greenblood and a lusus to help everything becomes so much easier. It's strange, knowing that you're doing it wrong but it keeps working, and stranger still because in some way you are doing it right. You travel together, and spend many more days talking until sunset, and somehow, it all comes together.

And then it is all torn apart.

At some point in the middle of it all, when you still believe in possibilities, Matria takes you to one side. You are celebrating tonight, some small victory or another, but her expression is grim.

"What is she to you?"

She does not need to use the name. You both know who she means.

"She is what she is."

"And what quadrant is that?" Matria shakes her head. "She would be anything you asked of her. I know you have other concerns but… be careful of her. Please."

You look away, unable to meet her eyes.

Later that evening, after the celebration is done with, it is the two of you alone together, as it always has been.

"Did I ever tell you about seeing you in my dreams?"

She laughs. "Of course! It was the first thing you told me."

You hesitate on how to continue, and she takes it as a prompt to explain.

"We met in the other world. You recognised me from a vision, that's why you started telling me about the other world."

"I didn't explain properly," you admit, and she moves to stand. You tug her down again.

"I don't have my pens," she complains.

"It isn't a lot to remember, I promise." You want her full attention for this. "You weren't in one vision… you were in several. Almost all of them. We knew each other well in the other world. We were always destined to know each other."

She sighs contentedly, and the sound is almost a purr. Even in all the sweeps since she found you, some habits learned from her lusus remain unchanged.

"I suppose that's why I've never been able to explain… what you are to me."

She goes utterly still.

"I still think of you in terms of the other world, and it's not something this world understands. It isn't any of the quadrants, although it shares its similarities with all of them. But it's – you're – something so much more important than a quadrant could ever be…"

She's used to you talking like this by now, but here you know you have lost her. You can tell by the hope still in her eyes.

"Does this fifth quadrant have a name?"

You can almost see it before you, not a vision but a memory of visions. The three of you – you and her and a young Matria – gathered together, bickering and laughing in the hive that you share.

There's nothing like it in this world. She will never understand.

"Sister."

"Sister." She smiles at you as she echoes the unfamiliar word.

Forgive me.

(At some point in the middle of it all…)

-grimAuxillatrix began trolling carcinoGeneticist-

GA: Karkat

GA: You Cant Keep Ignoring This

GA: Sooner Or Later You Are Going To Have To Deal With Her

CG: DOES NOW REALLY SEEM LIKE THE BEST TIME TO BE TALKING ABOUT THIS?

GA: She Is Flushed For You

CG: REALLY.

CG: I HAD NO IDEA.

CG: SHE SHOULD HAVE MADE THAT MORE COMPLETELY OBVIOUS.

GA: And You Clearly Do Not Feel The Same About Her

CG: NO. I DON'T.

GA: So What Do You Feel For Her

GA: Are You Pale For Her

GA: Because She And Equius Are Happy Together

CG: DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

CG: I'M NOT GETTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT.

CG: THAT ISN'T IT ANYWAY.

CG: WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

GA: So Why Don't You Tell Her That

CG: AND BREAK HER HEART?

CG: EVEN I'M NOT THAT BIG A FUCKASS.

GA: Its Just

CG: WHAT?

GA: You Seem To Care About Her A Lot

GA: You Dont Treat Her Like You Are Just Friends

GA: I Can See Why She Is Confused

CG: I'M NOT TRYING TO LEAD HER ON.

CG: I JUST

CG: SHE'S NEPETA.