AN: Okay, 2nd published work! This is not supposed to be a real story, more like a series of skits put together by me and some friends when I first got interested in Resident Evil. Yes, there are paradoxes, but this is for comedy. A little something for my readers to enjoy while they wait and to get my name out in the internet.
I realize that this "Script" format is not what this website likes, but this is what I have. If they ask me to take this down, I might rewrite this into "Real story" format.
Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, or any other recognizable culture references.
(At a random coffeehouse)
**Claire Redfield and Jill Valentine are sitting at a table, chatting away. Ada Wong walks in, gets a drink, and walks over, overhearing their conversation**
Jill: … And all of a sudden he decides to drop everything and go on a mission to Africa of all places!
Claire: I think we can both agree he's a jerk. My last partner did the exact same thing!
Ada: Excuse me?
**Jill and Claire look up at Ada**
Ada: May I sit here? Also, your guy problems are nothing compared to mine: I've got one stalker, and my boss is shamelessly obsessed with this huge soldier beefcake. He sells illegal drugs as well….my boss that is.
Claire: **stunned** ... Wow.
Jill: You win. Neither of us can beat that. Have a seat.
**Ada sits**
Ada: So what are your stories? **sips coffee**
Jill: My old partner from the police unit I worked with just left for Africa without telling me anything. We've been dating for a while, but lately he's been ignoring me!
Ada: **raises eyebrow** Have you tried dressing…down for him?
Jill: I tried that ages ago! I wore a tube top and a miniskirt in a zombie infested city! That didn't work, so now I'm wearing this bodysuit! **starts crying** I even dyed my hair blonde for him!
Claire: **starts patting Jill's back** There, there.
Jill: **sobbing** And on top of that, he's gotten addicted to steroids!
Ada: That's pretty serious. **turns to Claire** What about you?
Claire: I did have a partner for a while, but I wasn't a cop; this whole mess with zombies started while I was in college for Pete's sake!
Ada: Really?
Claire: The guy I was with was always interested with this other woman! This was back when he was a rookie cop. I hear he's a government agent now. After him, there was one other guy I had a crush on, but he died.
Ada: Oh dear…
Claire: Also, Jill's AWOL boyfriend is my older brother! He treats me like a little girl, even though I'm an adult! Now I'm working for a human rights organization, and feeling pretty good about myself, despite being single.
Ada: I see. It doesn't sound so bad compared to ….Jill's issues.
Claire: **sighs** Yeah, but now my idiot-gorilla brother is being stalked by some creepy scumbag. I'd like to beat the shit out of both of them if I had the chance.
Ada:…Okay.
Jill: What about you? What's your deal?
Ada: Well, there is one man that I worked with briefly who still follows me around like a puppy. He's always shouting "Ada wait!" It gets really obnoxious.
Claire: **suspicious** Ada? Don't I know you from somewhere?
Ada: No. And then there's my boss. He's all tall dark and handsome on the outside, but he is the biggest jerk ever! I used to be his go-to girl before that foreign she-bat Excella appeared. I don't care if she's rich, European, and has an accent; her dress is skimpier than mine!
Jill: **surprise** Whoa!
Claire: **alarm** Skank-alert!
Ada: And it gets worse! My boss won't stop going on about his man-crush on this "G.I. Joe" to the point of stalking and keeping a secret shrine. If I try to turn him in, his company's P.R. covers it up. The tabloids can't touch him.
Claire:**spews coffee** "G.I. Joe"?
Jill: "man-crush"? Where have I…hey, what did you say your name was?
Ada: Ada…Ada Wong.
Jill & Claire: **reach for weapons**
Ada: Wait! **pauses before holding up cup of coffee** Coffee truce?
(One hour of negotiating later…)
Ada: Alright, now that this coffee truce is in effect, we cannot hurt each other during these meetings.
Jill & Claire: Agreed.
Jill: You know what? We should do this often.
Claire: It's a nice break from reality, and fun! I'm Claire Redfield, by the way. My friend is Jill Valentine.
Ada:…if work allows it, I'd be more than happy to make that arrangement. **Nervous** The coffee truce will still be in effect, right?
Jill: Course it will be. What kind of work do you do?
Ada: I'm mostly freelance right now. I'll work for anybody that pays well.
Jill: Cool. I got reassigned to a group called the BSAA.
Claire: **cheerfully** TerraSave! We help people! **serious** Let me get this straight: Leon, my first partner, is currently puppy-dogging Ada, who worked for Wesker before Excella stole her thunder.
Jill: **nods** And Wesker has a man-crush on Claire's brother, Chris, who is currently in Africa shooting up steroids.
Ada: The last time I saw Leon, he was dragging around a little girl and a weird foreigner in Spain.
Claire: Ew!
Jill: I haven't heard anything from Chris in a while. Claire, is he still sending you messages?
Claire: Oh yeah! I got something from him recently on my phone. **checks messages on phone** Ummm…?
Jill: **curious** What is it?
Claire: He say he's having a good time in Africa and has a new partner.
Jill: **angry** Who?
Claire: Some young African lady.
Ada: **looks over** She's pretty good-looking. She's not wearing that much though, but not nearly as bad as Excella.
Claire: Dunno how useful she's going to be. I think her name is… Sheva?
Jill: **lunges over table** Give me that phone!
Claire: **holds phone away** Jill, wait!
Jill: **stops fighting**
Claire: I forgot to tell you. Chris still thinks you're dead.
Jill & Ada: …What?
Claire: …He saw you dive out that window after Wesker and thought you died. **checks phone** He wants to know when the memorial is.
Jill: …okay, I'm going to kick him where it hurts when he gets back.
Claire: I call dibs on his kneecaps and nose.
Ada: Whoa, slow down, ladies. I have an idea.
Jill & Claire: **look at Ada**
Ada: Why don't we form a team, then go kick his teeth in?
Claire:…That's brilliant.
Jill: I remember a place we can use as a base. There was this castle I found myself stuck in for a really long time.
Ada: Why were you in there?
Jill: Dunno. All I recall is chest pain. And I have scars too! **opens battlesuit and shows off scars**
Claire: Whoa! You might want to put those back, Jill. We're in a coffee shop.
Ada: Looks like a hickey.
Jill: It's not! **zips up battlesuit** I also remember this voice ordering me around; I really wanted to shoot him. There was another one that kept shouting my name too; he was really annoying. I think he got his face kicked in. I don't know who did it, but I felt good.
Ada:…I think I know which castle you're talking about. I think I have the security footage from that place. **shows footage to Jill & Claire**
Claire: That's Jill all right! I gotta get a copy of this footage and post it on the internet!
Jill: …Wow I'm good. Let's get back to business.
Claire: This trip will be perfect! Jill can hurt my brother, Ada can get back at Wesker, and I can have a vacation!
Ada: I can get us a plane to Africa today. I've got someone who owes me a favor or two.
Jill: Great! Let's go!
(Outside the coffee shop)
Jill & Claire: **chatter**
Ada: **gasps**
Claire: Ada? What are you-?
Ada: If he asks for me, I'm not here! **hides in shrubbery**
Claire: Wha-?
Leon: **walks up** Morning Jill, Claire. Have either of you seen Ada around here?
Jill: Who? We don't know anybody named Ada.
Leon: You sure? Short black hair? Red dress? Asian? Hot?
Claire: Nope.
Leon: **sad** Okay. **leaves**
Jill: He's gone now.
Ada: **climbs out of shrubbery** Thank goodness. I was able to get us a flight to Africa while I was hiding. It leaves this afternoon.
Claire: Yay!
Jill: Alright! Let's get our things packed!
**All the girls leave**
(Thirty minutes later, inside the coffee shop)
Rebecca: **walks in** Hey guys! Sorry I'm….**looks around, finding nobody**…late?
Merchant: **behind counter, wearing apron**…What are ya orderin'?
AN: Review and tell me if you want more!