Chapter 4: The Letters From Who Knew!

"Harry, wake up!" Ron shouted as Harry jumped up from his peaceful sleep and comfy bed.

"Santa Claus is a black man!" Harry yelled as he came out of his dreams with a yawn, "Why'd you have to wake me up? That was the best sleep I've had in ages."

"Harry, you've been asleep for over twelve hours. We were getting kind of worried for ya, mate." Ron said as Neville, from where he stood awkwardly by the door, nodded in agreement.

"Huh? Oh, sorry." Harry said as he yawned again, getting back under the covers while Ron and Neville looked confused.

"Harry, get up! We've got breakfast to eat. Mum and the other ladies won't let us eat until you get up." Ron complained as he stripped the covers from Harry.

"No, me no want!" Harry whined childishly as Neville stepped up.

"Harry, Draco said that if you don't get up in the next five minutes, then he'd come in here with a fork. I'm not sure why that was a threat, but-"

Neville didn't even get to finish as Harry blurred to the door and out of it before he or Ron could do nothing more than gawk at the speed of which Harry could move.

"Don't just stand there! Draco's got utensils! Do as the blond says!" Harry yelled, peeking through the door as he waited for his two stunned friends.

Breakfast seemed to be so very tense, that even Harry wasn't oblivious of it. On one side of the table sat the Malfoys, and the teachers, but on the other sat… well, 90% Gryffindors. However, Harry took the head of the table while Dumbledore took the other end.

"Okay, enough of this!" Harry yelled into the tense silence as he put down his forkful of waffles and slammed a fist down onto the table itself.

"No one has spoken, Potter." Lucius drawled as Draco quivered slightly beside him. Narcissa raised a brow at her son's obvious fear of Harry's temper, but seeing the pent-up aggression in Potter's eyes, she could understand why.

Never in all her days had she seen a person with so much angry and hate beyond their eyes and hidden deep within their soul. It was almost a wonder why the boy wasn't a Slytherin… Perhaps… No, the boy probably knew nothing of Hogwarts when he arrived, so he'd have no clue about the obvious and blatant bias against her old Hogwarts House.

Oh, if only Narcissa knew just how wrong she was…

Oh wait, she will!

"Exactly my point, dear Lucius! You people act like being courteous for a meal would kill you as quickly as the Killing Curse! We're obviously gonna be here for at least a few days, so you all might as well get used to each other." Harry said as all eyes were on him, "I don't like everyone at this table, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a meal and some light conversation with you all. Now, we either act like a civil family of misfits, or I'll annoy you all with my best John Waters impression."

At seeing even the dreaded Severus Snape pale at the threat, the meal's atmosphere drastically took a complete 180 from overwhelming tension to joyous. Good-natured conversation and jokes were passed between everyone with their brightest of smiles on while Harry merely sat at the head of the table, looking upon all the others with a small smile of his own.

He had no clue people knew who John Waters even was, but boy was he glad things were no longer awkward…

"Okay, time to read the next chapter." Neville said as he brought out his own wand, "No one minds if I cast the spell this time, do they?"

"I do. I want to try it next. First Granger, now Longbottom. The world's gone mad." Pansy whined as she glared at Neville, but a smack to the back of her head from Theo shut her up.

"Good then, no one minds." Neville chirped cheerfully as others groaned.

Neville Longbottom of all people was already being infected by Harry Potter, the others noted while Harry grinned widely… Oh, this would not end well at all…

"Omnia Recitess…" Neville said clearly as he moved his wand in a simply wave over the stationary book. The book suddenly snapped own of it's own accord, and flipped it's pages until it got to the chapter they wanted.

"Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Chapter Three: Letters From No One" the book read, sounding slightly like Professor McGonagall.

"I guess it sounds like whoever we associate reading with." Hermione surmised as McGonagall rolled her eyes.

"I don't even read that often…" McGonagall muttered while Snape was coughing.

"ugph-Bookworm-ugph… Excuse me, bad cough." Snape said as McGonagall reached over and bopped him one.

"Sorry, just stretching." McGonagall said back as she smirked.

The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned Harry his longest-ever punishment. By the time he was allowed out of his cupboard again, the summer holidays had started-

"Wait, isn't that fatty's birthday in April?" Draco growled as Lupin and Sirius growled darkly.

"What?" Hermione, Molly, and Pansy screeched as the men covered their ears.

"Yeah, though at least they fed me and I didn't have to do any chores. It was more like a vacation for me rather than a true punishment." Harry said, shrugging off his terrible relatives' behavior against him.

"You'd excuse Morgan Le Fay for hexing off your balls, won't you?" Draco asked as Harry looked scared.

"Of course not! That would be unforgivable! I need those!" Harry said, covering the front of his trousers.

-and Dudley had already broken his new video camera, crashed his remote control airplane, and, first time out on his racing bike, knocked down old Mrs. Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her crutches.

"Horrible child…" The female members muttered.

Harry was glad school was over, but there was no escaping Dudley's gang, who visited the house every single day. Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, and Gordon were all big and stupid, but as Dudley was the biggest and stupidest of the lot, he was the leader.

"Wait, how does that even work?" Theo asked as Harry smirked.

"Think of… Draco's gang with.. Crabbe as leader." Harry said, glancing over to Draco whose mouth was agape.

"I hate you…"

"Love you too, Sugar Plum." Harry replied as Draco's cheeks reddened and he buried his face in the couch while Ron and the other Weasleys chuckled, that was, until they all caught the cold glare Lucius was shooting at anything that moved.

The rest of them were all quite happy to join in Dudley's favorite sport: Harry Hunting.

More angry glares were shot at the book and animalistic growls rang out in the room as Lupin and Sirius exchanged dark looks.

"Tonight, we do the hunting." Sirius said as Lupin uncharacteristically agreed for the sake of Harry. Three growls repeated and the tables cracked from the energy coming of everyone besides Harry, who was studying the patterns on the love seat. Dumbledore waved his wand and the tables fixed themselves.

"Can we please not break the nice furniture?" Dumbledore with a sigh.

This was why Harry spent as much time as possible out of the house, wandering around and thinking about the end of the holidays, where he could see a tiny ray of hope. When September came he would be going off to secondary school and, for the first time in his life, he wouldn't be with Dudley. Dudley had been accepted at Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings. Piers Polkiss was going there too. Harry, on the other hand, was going to-

"Hogwarts!"

"The place for witches and wizard, and magical feasts!" Harry sang as everyone looked at him oddly, "Hogwarts! Hogwarts!"

"You will just never let that go…" Draco groaned as Harry beamed at him.

"We are so doing that next when we're out of here." Harry said, making Draco groan even more.

-Stonewall High, the local public school. Dudley thought this was very funny.

"So… no Hogwarts?" Fred asked as George shook his head sadly.

"No Hogwarts…"

"They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall," he told Harry. "Want to come upstairs and practice."

"No, thanks," said Harry. "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick."

At the laughs that generated from everyone, and even a few chuckles from Lucius and Narcissa, Harry blinked.

"There's that dry wit Lily was famous for." Lupin muttered as he and Sirius smiled at Harry.

"Oh! Ten points to Harry!" Blaise said, running over to Harry and slapping him a high-five.

Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.

"Ten points from Harry for running like a little bit-"

"Mr. Zabini! Watch your language!"

"Yes, Ma'am…" Blaise said before mouthing the word to Harry, who politely and discretely, showed him the middle finger.

One day in July, Aunt Petunia took Dudley to London to buy his Smeltings uniform, leaving Harry at Mrs. Figg's. Mrs. Figg wasn't as bad as usual. It turned out she'd broken her leg tripping over one of her cats, and she didn't seem quite as fond of them as before. She let Harry watch television and gave him a bit of chocolate cake that tasted as though she'd had it for several years.

"That reminds me. In my Third Year with the Dementors…" Harry paused as everyone aside from him, Luna, and Luna's father Xenophilius, shivered, "Why did you guys keep giving me chocolate?"

"That can be answered when we get to it, I think, Harry my boy." Dumbledore said as he chuckled at Harry's pout.

"But I want to know now!" Harry whined childishly as the others chuckled at him.

That evening, Dudley paraded around the living room for the family in his brand-new uniform. Smeltings' boys wore maroon tailcoats,-

"I think I might be sick." Pansy said as Draco and his father nodded.

-orange knickerbockers,-

"Now I know I'm sick." Pansy said as Draco looked a little green and the women in the room nodded while Lucius placed a hand to his mouth.

-and flat straw hats called boaters.

"I like their uniforms. Why can't we have those? They sound cool, and colorful." Ron said as all the women looked at him, along with most of the men.

"Pansy, catch me." Draco said dramatically, swooning as he placed the back of his hand to his forehead, "I feel faint."

Pansy caught Draco, fanning him as Narcissa did the same for her husband.

"They're very fashion conscious." Narcissa explained as the twins snickered.

They also carried knobby sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers weren't looking. This was supposed to be good training for later life.

"What?" exclaimed the staff members of Hogwarts that were present. Dumbledore looked highly confused while McGonagall's mouth was in a thin line, and Madam Pomfrey looked angry.

"I'll be sending a word to the Muggles authorities about this one." Madam Pomfrey muttered as she sat back with her arms crossed.

As he looked at Dudley in his new knickerbockers, Uncle Vernon said gruffly that it was the proudest moment of his life. Aunt Petunia burst into tears and said she couldn't believe it was her Ickle Dudleykins,-

The twins where howling in laughter as everyone else groaned at their antics.

"Now, now, Ickle Everyone-kins." Fred said.

"Even we need our moment." George finished as the others still groaned.

-he looked so handsome and grown-up. Harry didn't trust himself to speak. He thought two of his ribs might already have cracked from trying not to laugh.

There was no such restraint this time around as Harry was on the floor in tears as he finally remembered just how funny it all was.

Seeing it a second time also helped!

There was a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when Harry went in for breakfast. It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink. He went to have a look. The tub was full of what looked like dirty rags swimming in gray water.

"What's this?" he asked Aunt Petunia. Her lips tightened as they always did if he dared to ask a question.

"Your new school uniform," she said.

"Muggle woman, say what?" Lucius said, rising from his wife's lap.

"That evil old shrew…" Draco muttered with a shake of his head, "Trying to put Harry into those dreadful things. No wonder he was so timid First Year…"

Harry looked in the bowl again.

"Oh," he said, "I didn't realize it had to be so wet."

"Sarcasm doesn't work on people like her, Potter." Snape said from where he sat as Harry leaned forward next to Luna, "Believe me, I've tried it for years."

"You knew her?" Harry asked in surprise as Snape scoffed.

"Regrettably." Snape replied, and then fell silent as Harry shrugged.

"Don't be stupid," snapped Aunt Petunia. "I'm dying some of Dudley's old things gray for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished."

"Sure it will…" the twins said with a roll of their eyes as people chuckled at them.

"These Muggles take hand-me-downs to the extreme." Lucius said as he cast a look at Harry, "Not even you deserve such a detestable wardrobe, Potter. I'll have Madam Malkin add you to her express-n-proper list when I leave here."

"Umm… Thanks, I guess…" Harry said as he was a little miffed that Lucius was taking pity on him.

Boy, did he hate pity. If it had a physical form, Harry would kick it repeatedly.

"At least our family looks good in our hand-me-downs." Ron muttered as Bill gave him a thumbs-up, seeing his youngest brother in his old school robes.

Harry seriously doubted this, but thought it best not to argue. He sat down at the table and tried not to think about how he was going to look on his first day at Stonewall High - like he was wearing bits of old elephant skin, probably.

"Oh, my stomach is ill." Draco moaned as Pansy looked sick.

"You poor thing. Exposed to all these ugly images; both here and mental." Ginny teased as she gestured the the image projected from the book while Draco nodded.

"Yes, I know. I was perfectly prepared for Weasley-ugly fashion, but this is a whole new level I wasn't even aware had existed." Draco said as Ginny growled at him.

"You and I both, son." Lucius said as Arthur growled at him.

Dudley and Uncle Vernon came in, both with wrinkled noses because of the smell from Harry's new uniform. Uncle Vernon opened his newspaper as usual and Dudley banged his Smelting stick, which he carried everywhere, on the table.

"Like a dog with a new bone." Ted said with a shake of his.

"More like a House Elf with a new feather-duster." Lucius replied as Ted gave him a disgusted look.

"Or perhaps a baby with a new toy." Molly joined in as all three mothers in the room nodded as one.

They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat.

"Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.

"What?" everyone asked, even Harry as he forgot about that.

"He actually asked that tub-o-lard to do something?" Ron asked in wide-eyed surprise.

"I know, shocking, isn't it?" Hermione said as everyone chuckled at her humor.

"Make Harry get it."

"Get the mail, Harry."

"Oh, know that makes more, yet twisted, senses." Neville admitted as Harry nodded.

"Make Dudley get it."

"Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley."

"Even more twisted senses being made here." Neville said as everyone gave him a look, "What?"

"If he hit you with that, Mr. Potter, you have expressed permission from me to use Transfiguration as a punishment against him." McGonagall said as her mouth formed a thin line while Madam Pomfrey nodded.

"I thought Transfiguration couldn't be used a punishment." Harry replied as everyone blinked, "What? I pay attention sometimes. I've even been thinking about a job as a magical teacher at Hogwarts."

"Yes, well, that's normally true." McGonagall said, "He is not a student at our school, and he's barely a human being as he acts like an animal."

Harry dodged the Smelting stick and went to get the mail. Three things lay on the doormat: a postcard from Uncle Vernon's sister Marge, who was vacationing on the Isle of Wight, a brown envelope that looked like a bill, and - a letter for Harry.

Harry picked it up and stared at it, his heart twanging like a giant elastic band. No one, ever, in his whole life, had written to him. Who would?

"Me!" Ron, Ginny, and Blaise chorused as they raised their hands.

"What?" Harry asked with a quirked brow.

"Everyone wrote to you as a kid, Potter." Theodore Nott said from by Blaise, "You were like the muggle Amazman."

"Superman."

"Whatever. Stupid muggle hero names…"

"No reason to pout, Theodore dear." Blaise said as Theo scowled at him, pushing the dark-skinned boy away.

"Stop! People are going to get the wrong idea!" Theo said as Blaise smirked.

"Oh yeah? And what's that?"

"That I'm some sort of exhibitionist or something, baby." Theo said, suddenly smirking as he slapped Blaise's behind. Blaise quickly dropped the antics, knowing when he was beat.

He had no friends, no other relatives - he didn't belong to the library, so he'd never even got rude notes asking for books back. Yet here it was, a letter, addressed so plainly there could be no mistake:

Mr. H. Potter

The Cupboard under the Stairs

4 Privet Drive

Little Whinging Surrey

Everyone was quiet as they blinked at the book.

"… That was so damn accurate…" Sirius said as everyone nodded.

"I hope you all didn't know about him sleeping in the cupboard." Lupin said as McGonagall's mouth thinned nearly to invisibility.

"We most certainly did not!" it was Dumbledore who beat her to the punch, both of them exciting the statement.

The envelope was thick and heavy, made of yellowish parchment, and the address was written in emerald-green ink. There was no stamp. Turning the envelope over, his hand trembling, Harry saw a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion,

"Gryffindor!"

an eagle,

"Ravenclaw." Luna smiled as she and her father exchanged pleased looks.

a badger,

"Hufflepuff!" Nymphadora exclaimed very loudly as she stood atop the couch she and her parents were sitting on and danced.

and a snake

"Slytherin!" Draco and his friends exclaimed, dancing.

"Draco, stop that at once!" Lucius commanded as Draco and his friends couldn't seem to stop quick enough while resuming their seats.

What? A pissed-off Lucius was never good for your health while you were acting out in front of others.

surrounding a large letter H.

"Hogwarts!" the teens exclaimed, slapping five.

"Hurry up, boy!" shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen. "What are you doing, checking for letter bombs." He chuckled at his own joke.

Fred and George fell into their family's arms while Ron and Ginny looked very worried.

"Quick! Someone say something funny!" Ginny said as everyone stared.

"They fainted from that? Well, this sucks major hippogriff." Harry said, crossing his arms and pouting while the twins shot up laughing.

"Hippogriff?" Fred asked between chuckles.

"Why didn't we think of that?" George asked as he and his twin shrugged in unison.

Harry went back to the kitchen, still staring at his letter. He handed Uncle Vernon the bill and the postcard, sat down, and slowly began to open the yellow envelope..

Uncle Vernon ripped open the bill, snorted in disgust, and flipped over the postcard.

"Marge's ill," he informed Aunt Petunia. "Ate a funny whelk. -."

"Shame she didn't die." Harry growled darkly as everyone felt a shiver course down their spines.

Harry Potter, the epitome of love and humor, wishing death on someone? It was enough to make even Snape flinch back.

"She really that bad, bro?" Blaise asked with a raised brow.

"If these things are going by year, then you'll see for yourself in the third book… Sis…" Harry said, smirking at the end.

"I'm a boy." Blaise said firmly.

"The picture I have in my Hogwarts trunk with you in your unmentionables says otherwise." Harry replied happily as the dark-skinned Slytherin's face colored.

"You are pure evil, Harry Potter."

"Yes, the darkest of all Lords. Voldemort ain't got-"

"Mr. Potter!"

"He ain't got unicorn crap on me."

"That's it! Detention!"

"… Yes, ma'am…"

"Dad!" said Dudley suddenly. "Dad, Harry's got something!"

Harry was on the point of unfolding his letter, which was written on the same heavy parchment as the envelope, when it was jerked sharply out of his hand by Uncle Vernon.

"That's mine!" said Harry, trying to snatch it back.

"Who'd be writing to you." sneered Uncle Vernon, shaking the letter open with one hand and glancing at it. His face went from red to green faster than a set of traffic lights. And it didn't stop there. Within seconds it was the grayish white of old porridge.

"P-P-Petunia!" he gasped.

"Overreacting a bit, don't you think?" Lupin said as Sirius only crossed his arms and frowned.

Dudley tried to grab the letter to read it, but Uncle Vernon held it high out of his reach. Aunt Petunia took it curiously and read the first line. For a moment it looked as though she might faint. She clutched her throat and made a choking noise.

"Drama Queen!" Fred and George sang.

"Vernon! Oh my goodness - Vernon!" They stared at each other, seeming to have forgotten that Harry and Dudley were still in the room. Dudley wasn't used to being ignored. He gave his father a sharp tap on the head with his Smelting stick.

"Horrible little monster… Bent over my knee…" Madam Pomfrey muttered to herself as everyone cast her a worried glance.

"I want to read that letter," he said loudly.

"I want to read it," said Harry furiously, "as it's mine."

"Now whose temper could that be…? Hmm, I wonder…" Sirius said as he tapped his chin.

"James, defiantly." Lupin nodded, "Your dad, just like you, had repressed and pent-up anger issues."

"Your mother, however…" Snape began, though he shivered, "She would be rather cross over some of the most insignificant things."

"Good to know." Harry said, then paused a look over came him, "Hey! I don't have anger issues!"

"Sure…"

"Get out, both of you," croaked Uncle Vernon, stuffing the letter back inside its envelope.

Harry didn't move.

"That's it Harry! Fight the power, man!" Blaise said as everyone gave him a look, "What?"

"I WANT MY LETTER!" he shouted.

People gave Harry strange looks.

"What? Repressed childhood, remember?" Harry said, though didn't sound to caring about said abused childhood as he used it as a feeble excuse to get people to stop giving him those looks. Those looks so full of pity.

Argh! Harry wished he could summon Pity, and just hex it's bits off!

"Let me see it!" demanded Dudley.

"OUT!" roared Uncle Vernon, and he took both Harry and Dudley by the scruffs of their necks and threw them into the hall, slamming the kitchen door behind them. Harry and Dudley promptly had a furious but silent fight over who would listen at the keyhole; Dudley won, so Harry, his glasses dangling from one ear, lay flat on his stomach to listen at the crack between door and floor.

"How Slytherin of you, Potty." Theo said with a grin as Harry gave him one back.

"Thank you Theodore." Harry said sweetly as Theo blanched. He hated when Harry said his full name. Blaise grinned, however.

He now had ammo… Heh, heh…

"Vernon," Aunt Petunia was saying in a quivering voice, "look at the address - how could they possibly know where he sleeps? You don't think they're watching the house?"

"Watching - spying - might be following us," muttered Uncle Vernon wildly.

"Oh please, muggle man." Lucius said, "We've got better things to do. Like being rich and success."

"But what should we do, Vernon? Should we write back? Tell them we don't want -" Harry could see Uncle Vernon's shiny black shoes pacing up and down the kitchen.

"No," he said finally. "No, we'll ignore it. If they don't get an answer... Yes, that's best... we won't do anything...

"But -"

"I'm not having one in the house, Petunia! Didn't we swear when we took him in we'd stamp out that dangerous nonsense."

At the looks he was receiving, Harry sighed. He supposed things were going to get out anyway…

"What he really meant was to keep me as down-trodden as possible. Aunt Petunia wouldn't let him hit me, so he encouraged Dudley to do it."

"You should have kicked his right fat arse, Harry." Ron said, looking disgusted.

"I was still a shrimp back in those days!" Harry defended, "He would have sat on me! And he farted a lot!"

"… Point…"

That evening when he got back from work, Uncle Vernon did something he'd never done before; he visited Harry in his cupboard.

"Where's my letter," said Harry, the moment Uncle Vernon had squeezed through the door. "Who's writing to me?"

"That's it. You demand your things and answers." Draco said, looking very approving. Even Lucius looked so, though reluctantly.

"No one. It was addressed to you by mistake," said Uncle Vernon shortly. "I have burned it."

"It was not a mistake," said Harry angrily, "it had my cupboard on it."

"SILENCE!" yelled Uncle Vernon, and a couple of spiders fell from the ceiling. He took a few deep breaths and then forced his face into a smile, which looked quite painful.

"I bet it was." Nymphadora grumbled, "Fat ass couldn't be bothered to work even those muscles…"

"While I don't approve of your language, dear." Andromeda said, "I do agree with your assessment. He is a major fat ass."

"Er - yes, Harry - about this cupboard. Your aunt and I have been thinking... you're really getting a bit big for it... we think it might be nice if you moved into Dudley's second bedroom.

"This little devil spawn had a second flickin' bedroom!" Lucius belted out as he leaned forward on the couch he and his family were occupying.

"Potter, you are never going back there." McGonagall said as everyone nodded, "When this is over, you get your things, and don't you dare look back."

"Why?" said Harry.

"Don't ask questions!" snapped his uncle.

"I knew they didn't approve of questions!" McGonagall shouted, "It explains so much!"

"Take this stuff upstairs, now."

The Dursleys' house had four bedrooms: one for Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, one for visitors (usually Uncle Vernon's sister, Marge), one where Dudley slept, and one where Dudley kept all the toys and things that wouldn't fit into his first bedroom.

"The spoiled… insipid… brat." many were muttering as Harry rolled his eyes.

It only took Harry one trip upstairs to move everything he owned from the cupboard to this room. He sat down on the bed and stared around him. Nearly everything in here was broken. The month-old video camera was lying on top of a small, working tank Dudley had once driven over the next door neighbour's dog; in the corner was Dudley's first-ever television set, which he'd put his foot through when his favourite program had been cancelled; there was a large birdcage, which had once held a parrot that Dudley had swapped at school for a real air rifle, which was up on a shelf with the end all bent because Dudley had sat on it. Other shelves were full of books. They were the only things in the room that looked as though they'd never been touched.

"If he can't count how can he read!" This came surprisingly from Ron, who looked highly offended for some reason before turning quickly to Hermione, "We're studying when we get out of here. Never again will I be like… like that!"

"Trust us, Weasley, even you aren't so low on the dumb-o-meter." Draco said as Ron gave the blond a confused look.

"I shall take that as a compliment." Ron said politely, "Thank you… Draco."

"Don't ever use my first name again, Weasley." Draco shivered, "It makes me uncomfortable." and the evil grin Ron was now sporting wasn't helping, "Harry!"

"… I'll deal with it later, sweetie." Harry said dismissively, staring at the image floating above the book.

Damn, even as a shrimp he was cute.

From downstairs came the sound of Dudley bawling at his mother, "I don't want him in there... I need that room... make him get out..."

"Oh, he's getting the gold level of our practice, Remus." Sirius said as Lupin nodded.

"The level pact, for spoiled brats." Lupin said as he and Sirius exchanged a secret handshake while Harry watched with a raised brow.

Harry sighed and stretched out on the bed. Yesterday he'd have given anything to be up here. Today he'd rather be back in his cupboard with that letter than up here without it.

"Don't think like that, Harry." Draco whined, "You could always have both if you weren't such a damn Golden Boy."

"Maybe… maybe…" Harry said, not really listening to Draco's whining.

Next morning at breakfast, everyone was rather quiet. Dudley was in shock. He'd screamed, whacked his father with his Smelting stick, been sick on purpose, kicked his mother, and thrown his tortoise through the greenhouse roof, and he still didn't have his room back. Harry was thinking about this time yesterday and bitterly wishing he'd opened the letter in the hall. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia kept looking at each other darkly.

When the mail arrived, Uncle Vernon, who seemed to be trying to be nice to Harry, made Dudley go and get it. They heard him banging things with his Smelting stick all the way down the hall. Then he shouted, "There's another one! 'Mr. H. Potter, The Smallest Bedroom, 4 Privet Drive -'"

"I hate that idiot." Theo muttered as Harry gave him a look that everyone likened to that of Dumbledore.

"Do not hate, Theodore." Harry said, his voice sounding like Dumbledore's as the old wizard chuckled, "Pity him. Pity the extremely stupid, my boy."

"Yes, sir, Headmaster Potter, sir." Theo said with a salute, "I'll pity him for the rest of his idiotic days."

"That's the ticket!" Harry said, sounding like Fudge, making everyone blink in surprise.

With a strangled cry, Uncle Vernon leapt from his seat and ran down the hall, Harry right behind him. Uncle Vernon had to wrestle Dudley to the ground to get the letter from him, which was made difficult by the fact that Harry had grabbed Uncle Vernon around the neck from behind.

"He has a neck!" the twins shouted in surprise as no one could deny that they were surprised either.

"I know. Shock the hell outta me to." Harry said, shaking his head.

After a minute of confused fighting, in which everyone got hit a lot by the Smelting stick, Uncle Vernon straightened up, gasping for breath, with Harry's letter clutched in his hand.

"Go to your cupboard - I mean, your bedroom," he wheezed at Harry. "Dudley - go - just go."

Harry walked round and round his new room. Someone knew he had moved out of his cupboard and they seemed to know he hadn't received his first letter. Surely that meant they'd try again. And this time he'd make sure they didn't fail. He had a plan.

"With your luck this won't work." Hermione commented.

"Shut up…" Harry muttered.

The repaired alarm clock rang at six o'clock the next morning. Harry turned it off quickly and dressed silently. He mustn't wake the Dursleys. He stole downstairs without turning on any of the lights.

He was going to wait for the postman on the corner of Privet Drive and get the letters for number four first.

His heart hammered as he crept across the dark hall toward the front door - Harry leapt into the air; he'd trodden on something big and squashy on the doormat - something alive! Lights clicked on upstairs and to his horror Harry realized that the big, squashy something had been his uncle's face.

"Yes! Good for you, Harry!" The twins cried and started to do a victory dance until Molly whacked them.

Uncle Vernon had been lying at the foot of the front door in a sleeping bag, clearly making sure that Harry didn't do exactly what he'd been trying to do. He shouted at Harry for about half an hour and then told him to go and make a cup of tea. Harry shuffled miserably off into the kitchen and by the time he got back, the mail had arrived, right into Uncle Vernon's lap.

Harry could see three letters addressed in green ink.

"I want -" he began, but Uncle Vernon was tearing the letters into pieces before his eyes. Uncle Vernon didn't go to work that day. He stayed at home and nailed up the mail slot.

"See," he explained to Aunt Petunia through a mouthful of nails, "if they can't deliver them they'll just give up."

"I'm not sure that'll work, Vernon."

"Oh, these people's minds work in strange ways, Petunia, they're not like you and me," said Uncle Vernon, trying to knock in a nail with the piece of fruitcake Aunt Petunia had just brought him.

"I'd kill myself and my family if we were, muggle man!" Lucius said firmly as Narcissa and Draco nodded just as seriously. Harry was a bit surprised, though not much so, when everyone else nodded as well.

On Friday, no less than twelve letters arrived for Harry. As they couldn't go through the mail slot they had been pushed under the door, slotted through the sides, and a few even forced through the small window in the downstairs bathroom.

"Wow… You guys were really determined to get Harry, weren't ya?" Ginny asked as Madam Pomfrey shrugged.

"He's Harry Potter." she said, as though that exampled everything. Which it did, Harry thought with a groan. Damn the fame…

Uncle Vernon stayed at home again. After burning all the letters, he got out a hammer and nails and boarded up the cracks around the front and back doors so no one could go out. He hummed "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" as he worked, and jumped at small noises.

"Mental." a few muttered as they shook their heads.

"We all thought he was cracking up by that point." Harry said with shrug.

On Saturday, things began to get out of hand. Twenty-four letters to Harry found their way into the house, rolled up and hidden inside each of the two dozen eggs that their very confused milkman had handed Aunt Petunia through the living room window. While Uncle Vernon made furious telephone calls to the post office and the dairy trying to find someone to complain to, Aunt Petunia shredded the letters in her food processor.

"Who on earth wants to talk to you this badly." Dudley asked Harry in amazement.

"The entire wizarding world, porky!" Blaise said as the twins looked at him.

"OH! Ten points to Zabini!" they cheered as they rushed over and high-fived the Slytherin. Ron looked as though they had killed his cat at the sight… and he didn't even have a cat!

On Sunday morning, Uncle Vernon sat down at the breakfast table looking tired and rather ill, but happy.

"No post on Sundays," he reminded them cheerfully as he spread marmalade on his newspapers, "no damn letters today -" Something came whizzing down the kitchen chimney as he spoke and caught him sharply on the back of the head. Next moment, thirty or forty letters came pelting out of the fireplace like bullets. The Dursleys ducked, but Harry leapt into the air trying to catch one.

"Youngest seeker in a century." Neville said with a shy grin at Harry.

"You know it, bro." Harry said with a smile.

"Out! OUT!" Uncle Vernon seized Harry around the waist and threw him into the hall.

People glared at the book, seeing the image as animalistic growls rang out. Harry only rolled his eyes. They were getting a little ridiculous. It had happened years ago!

When Aunt Petunia and Dudley had run out with their arms over their faces, Uncle Vernon slammed the door shut. They could hear the letters still streaming into the room, bouncing off the walls and floor.

"That does it," said Uncle Vernon, trying to speak calmly but pulling great tufts out of his moustache at the same time. "I want you all back here in five minutes ready to leave. We're going away. Just pack some clothes. No arguments!" He looked so dangerous with half his moustache missing that no one dared argue. Ten minutes later they had wrenched their way through the boarded-up doors and were in the car, speeding toward the highway.

Dudley was sniffling in the back seat; his father had hit him round the head for holding them up while he tried to pack his television, VCR, and computer in his sports bag.

"He deserves much more than that…" Neville muttered as the Tonks' family nodded beside him, having heard his quiet comment.

They drove. And they drove. Even Aunt Petunia didn't dare ask where they were going. Every now and then Uncle Vernon would take a sharp turn and drive in the opposite direction for a while. "Shake'em off... shake 'em off," he would mutter whenever he did this.

They didn't stop to eat or drink all day. By nightfall Dudley was howling. He'd never had such a bad day in his life. He was hungry, he'd missed five television programs he'd wanted to see, and he'd never gone so long without blowing up an alien on his computer.

"Stupid git…" Ron and Pansy muttered in unison, then blushed and glared at one another while their friends chuckled.

"Aww, young love." Blaise sighed as three glares shot at him.

"Shut up, Zabini!" Ron, Pansy, and surprisingly (though not to Harry, the twins, or even Snape) Hermione all yelled at the dark-skinned boy.

"Where's the love…?" Blaise muttered as he curled into Theo, who patted his back while looking uncomfortable.

Uncle Vernon stopped at last outside a gloomy-looking hotel on the outskirts of a big city. Dudley and Harry shared a room with twin beds and damp, musty sheets. Dudley snored but Harry stayed awake, sitting on the windowsill, staring down at the lights of passing cars and wondering...

They ate stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast for breakfast the next day. They had just finished when the owner of the hotel came over to their table.

"'Scuse me, but is one of you Mr. H. Potter. Only I got about an 'undred of these at the front desk." She held up a letter so they could read the green ink address:

Mr. H. Potter

Room 17

Railview Hotel

Cokeworth

Harry made a grab for the letter but Uncle Vernon knocked his hand out of the way. The woman stared.

"Probably in shock." Ted Tonks said with a shake of his head, "Because in the normal world; wizard or muggle, people don't hit their children so openly with such distain."

"I'll take them," said Uncle Vernon, standing up quickly and following her from the dining room.

"Wouldn't it be better just to go home, dear." Aunt Petunia suggested timidly, hours later, but Uncle Vernon didn't seem to hear her. Exactly what he was looking for, none of them knew. He drove them into the middle of a forest, got out, looked around, shook his head, got back in the car, and off they went again. The same thing happened in the middle of a plowed field, halfway across a suspension bridge, and at the top of a multilevel parking garage.

"Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he." Dudley asked Aunt Petunia dully late that afternoon.

"If fatty finally noticed, then it must have really gotten bad." Blaise commented as several nods were seen in the room.

Uncle Vernon had parked at the coast, locked them all inside the car, and disappeared.

It started to rain. Great drops beat on the roof of the car. Dudley sniveled.

"It's Monday," he told his mother. "The Great Humberto's on tonight. I want to stay somewhere with a television. "

Monday. This reminded Harry of something. If it was Monday - and you could usually count on Dudley to know the days the week, because of television - then tomorrow, Tuesday, was Harry's eleventh birthday.

After a pause everyone looked at Harry, who groaned when he realized what was about to happen. They all broke out into a merry chorus of Happy Birthday, making Harry's face turn scarlet with embarrassment, especially at seeing the Lucius and Snape were also in the mix muttering the song under their breaths even while they glared at him.

Of course, his birthdays were never exactly fun - last year, the Dursleys had given him a coat hanger and a pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.

"Well… at least they gave him something." Hermione said, trying for the very thin silver lining.

Still, you weren't eleven every day.

Uncle Vernon was back and he was smiling. He was also carrying a long, thin package and didn't answer Aunt Petunia when she asked what he'd bought.

"Found the perfect place!" he said. "Come on! Everyone out!" It was very cold outside the car. Uncle Vernon was pointing at what looked like a large rock way out at sea. Perched on top of the rock was the most miserable little shack you could imagine. One thing was certain, there was no television in there.

"Storm forecast for tonight!" said Uncle Vernon gleefully, clapping his hands together. "And this gentleman's kindly agreed to lend us his boat!" A toothless old man came ambling up to them, pointing, with a rather wicked grin, at an old row boat bobbing in the iron-gray water below them.

"I've already got us some rations," said Uncle Vernon, "so all aboard!" It was freezing in the boat. Icy sea spray and rain crept down their necks and a chilly wind whipped their faces. After what seemed like hours they reached the rock, where Uncle Vernon, slipping and sliding, led the way to the broken-down house.

The inside was horrible; it smelled strongly of seaweed, the wind whistled through the gaps in the wooden walls, and the fireplace was damp and empty. There were only two rooms.

Uncle Vernon's rations turned out to be a bag of chips each and four bananas.

"Those are not rations in any way, shape, or form, you disgustingly oafish man." Madam Pomfrey hissed as many backed away from her.

He tried to start a fire but the empty chip bags just smoked and shriveled up.

"Could do with some of those letters now, eh." he said cheerfully.

"You muggle fuc***-"

"Ron!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Ronald Weasley!" Molly exclaimed as well as Ron looked to enraged to care.

"He's gonna pay." Ron said darkly as his siblings glanced at him in concern.

When messing with Ron's friends, things got serious.

He was in a very good mood. Obviously he thought nobody stood a chance of reaching them here in a storm to deliver mail. Harry privately agreed, though the thought didn't cheer him up at all.

"We hunt muggle tonight." Sirius said, baring his teeth as Lupin rolled his eyes.

As night fell, the promised storm blew up around them. Spray from the high waves splattered the walls of the hut and a fierce wind rattled the filthy windows. Aunt Petunia found a few moldy blankets in the second room and made up a bed for Dudley on the moth-eaten sofa. She and Uncle Vernon went off to the lumpy bed next door, and Harry was left to find the softest bit of floor he could and to curl up under the thinnest, most ragged blanket.

Dumbledore had to admit that even his temper was beginning to peak at the muggle's treatment of Harry.

"Harry… Can you ever forgive this old fool for his blind folly to have faith that people would do better when given the chance to?" Dumbledore asked as Harry waved him off.

"Give me a few books, and we'll see." Harry said, though the grin he had said that no hard feelings were had.

The storm raged more and more ferociously as the night went on. Harry couldn't sleep. He shivered and turned over, trying to get comfortable, his stomach rumbling with hunger. Dudley's snores were drowned by the low rolls of thunder that started near midnight. The lighted dial of Dudley's watch, which was dangling over the edge of the sofa on his fat wrist, told Harry he'd be eleven in ten minutes' time. He lay and watched his birthday tick nearer, wondering if the Dursleys would remember at all, wondering where the letter writer was now.

"I was in my office." McGonagall said, "Though I don't do the addresses. Magic does that. I just had to keep copying the fourth letter I send out."

Five minutes to go. Harry heard something creak outside. He hoped the roof wasn't going to fall in, although he might be warmer if it did.

"Isn't he our favorite little pessimist?" Hermione grinned as everyone chuckled.

"Shut up, 'Mione…" Harry muttered, though he had a faint grin on his face.

Four minutes to go. Maybe the house in Privet Drive would be so full of letters when they got back that he'd be able to steal one somehow.

Three minutes to go. Was that the sea, slapping hard on the rock like that? And (two minutes to go) what was that funny crunching noise? Was the rock crumbling into the sea?

"You could hear that with the storm outside?" Arthur asked as he and the others looked to Harry. Nymphadora seemed especially interested.

"Yeah, why?" Harry asked as though it was not a big deal.

"Harry, you have superior senses. Almost like an animal." Luna said beside him.

"Or a highly trained Auror." Nymphadora said, "You should join the force when you grow up a bit."

"No thanks." Harry replied, scowling lightly as he figured Aurors were like the wizard police from the way the young woman was talking, "I've kinda had my fill with the Ministry. Besides, I think that once I get Voldemort out of the way, I'll have my fill of bad guys."

One minute to go and he'd be eleven. Thirty seconds... twenty... ten... nine - maybe he'd wake Dudley up, just to annoy him

- three... two... one...

BOOM.

Everyone jumped, glaring at the book for spooking them as they heard a faint chuckle from somewhere.

The whole shack shivered and Harry sat bolt upright, staring at the door. Someone was outside, knocking to come in.

"I wonder who that is." Pansy mused as Harry grinned.

"You'll never guess." Harry promised as he stood up and stretched before he walked away from the room, "Well, that was exciting. Now I have to take a wizarding wizz. Be right back."

"So do I." Ron said, "I think that pumpkin juice went right through me." and with that, he hurried after Harry.