In the Wake of What Follows

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Nihilistic Desire

It was dark by the time she shimmied open the top floor window. There was no moonlight to guide her, only the faint glow from the stadium's giant screens that still played Yusuke's fight. She didn't hesitate this time. Fear had left her after fighting Rizu. Or maybe after fighting with Hiei. Either way, she stood on the window ledge and was able to pull herself up to the roof without much difficulty.

During her climb up the stairs, Terra had debated how long she should wait. How long should she give Hiei to come join her before giving up? An hour? Two? All night?

It didn't matter, in the end. Just as she sat down, Hiei was beside her. Relief washed over her. He cared, at least. Against all odds, he cared. That didn't mean she wasn't still angry, still hurt, still confused, but Terra at least could be comforted with hope.

"You shouldn't have come up here," Hiei snapped. "You're still recovering."

"I'm fine," she said, not able to bring herself to look at him.

"Until Kurama's looked you over, I won't believe that. I'm bringing you back inside."

She didn't give him the chance. Terra's energy swirled under her skin, spiking the moment Hiei tried to pick her up. She rebalanced herself after his attempt, but still didn't look at him.

"Why must you be so obstinate?" he growled, annoyed. "You don't even have your weapon on you. Your venom won't keep you safe from a determined demon with any reach."

She knew that. Terra had learned that lesson already today. She didn't want to talk about that. About Rizu, or her powers, or being human and vulnerable. She just wanted to talk to Hiei like they used to. Secrets shared over the quiet of the night. She wanted to be reminded why she liked him, reminded why he was worth chasing.

"How do you feel," she asked, gently breaching the topic as best she could, "now that Goro's dead?"

Hiei was quiet. Silence stretched so thin her heartbeat threatened to break it. Terra would have worried he had left if it weren't for his energy being so close. Lukewarm, or maybe a touch warmer.

"I went to make sure Rizu was dead," he finally said, voice a practiced blank slate like she might expect from Kurama. It was startling to hear Hiei so devoid of emotion. "Your energy did the job. How does that make you feel?"

The decay that clung to the air in demon world filled her lungs. Rotten, bloody, yet somehow grounding. The way zoos smelled of manure or gasoline in the summer brought back memories of riding buggies in the outback. A little dirty, a little captivating.

Maybe she should be afraid of what she was already turning into, transformation or not.

"It sounded like he might have come found me had I not gone after him first," she admitted. "I'm… glad? That I don't have to worry about him anymore. I'm not sure how I feel about being the one to kill him, yet. Kinda numb, to be honest."

She felt him approach, his heat always preceding his movements. When he sat down next to her, Terra finally risked a glance his way. He looked tired. It had been a long day for both of them.

"Goro is better off dead," Hiei said. He didn't look at her. This was the dance they played, taking turns talking to the horizon.

"Will you go back to Alaric?"

"I don't know."

Terra tried not to think too hard on that. She rested her chin between the dip of her bent knees and hugged her legs. Somewhere far off was a floating island where Yusuke's fight was taking place, but she couldn't make it out under the murky purple sky.

"I was worried about you, watching the fight," she whispered.

"You thought I'd lose?" he scoffed.

"Not for a second," she admitted. Terra couldn't read the energy levels of those around her, but she had been confident that Hiei wouldn't lose. The alternative hadn't even crossed her mind. "But that didn't make it easier, watching you get hurt. You were covered in your own blood by the end of it. I'm amazed you're in better shape than me right now."

"I dragged it out longer than I should have," Hiei said, irritated at himself. "Wanted him to know how poorly he miscalculated, to see when his cocky surety was crushed and he knew he was going to die. Does that frighten you? You've killed, but I've savored it."

Perhaps it should, but Terra shook her head. The more she got to know Hiei, the more she understood him. Even his bloodlust. Even his hatred. She understood, and she didn't fault him. He lived by his own moral code, and she had yet to find offense to it.

"At the end," Terra said, shifting her thoughts away from what could be a rabbit hole of disturbing self discovery, "what did you… you pulled something from his stomach, right? That wasn't… his stomach?"

She had to look at him for that, her confusion compelling her to find answers even if he wouldn't voice them. Hiei glanced her way before dipping his head and lifting a chain from around his neck. A stone was inlaid into a loop so it could be worn on the necklace. It was perfectly round, a midnight blue that shined pearlescent even with the little light around them. Hiei held the necklace for her inspection before dropping it into his palm and closing his fist.

"It's a teardrop," he told her. "Shed by my mother when I was born."

Hiei hadn't talked much about his upbringing or the land that abandoned him. Terra held her tongue, waiting. He'd tell her when he found the words.

"Yukina gave me hers," he said. "She claimed so I could give it to her brother if I ever find him." He laughed hollowly. "I suppose I should have realized then that Yukina knew more than she let on." Hiei toyed with the chain that spilled between his knuckles. "I gave mine to Mukuro. Goro took it when he won the challenge. It's not uncommon to hide precious items in the stomach. It would prevent my jagan from seeing it, but I knew."

Terra understood the weight of that statement. The weight of giving a stone from his mother to Mukuro. They may not have ever marked each other, but that was a serious gesture. Terra had buried Jeremy's ring, but Hiei had only just gotten his necklace back.

"Is that why you don't want to kiss me?" She didn't need to say more than that. Hiei understood.

He looked at her then, and she didn't look away. His eyes flashed, adding to the heat of his body. It was like breathing in the sun. Her mouth went dry. Terra wet her lower lip and he tracked the movement. "I want to do much more than kiss you."

The flip of her stomach left her mind blank. "Then why-"

Hiei stood abruptly, breaking the heat of his words and leaving her flustered. "If you're looking for pleasant company or the thrill of a demon, go fuck Chuu."

"Excuse me!?"

She felt like she had been slapped across the face.

"This isn't a game, Terra," he said. She had been in the process of getting to her feet, but her name kept her in place. She had never heard him say it before. How had she only just now noticed? "I am not your rebound. I am not your knight in shining armor. I am not someone you should lust for just because I was around as you pulled yourself out of mourning. Proximity and time is not reason enough to entangle yourself with me."

Mortification stabbed her deeper with each word. Was that all he thought this was? A rebound? Did he think she didn't take this seriously? "Fuck you, Hiei." Terra did stand then. "You think this is about sex? About finding something convenient so I can forget Jeremy? You really think that if I was looking for a rebound I would go after you!?"

Hiei was more than a few steps away and Terra resisted all urge to run after him. He turned to her, their eyes locking. "It doesn't matter," he said. "Whatever notion you have of us can't come to pass. I suggest you look elsewhere." Hiei turned so that she could only see the silhouette of his profile. "Find your own way back to your room."

Alone on the roof, Terra cursed herself for falling for a demon.

Kurama woke Terra up as the earliest of the hazy sun brightened their suite. He was livid, to say the least, to see all of her bandages. His anger died quickly, however, when she started to tremble. Tears pricked the corner of her eyes and Terra was determined not to let them fall.

"What happened?" he asked sharply.

Terra sat up and wrapped her arms around Kurama, needing some kind of comfort. "I don't want to talk about it," Terra muttered into his shirt. It was filthy, but she didn't care.

"Terra…"

"I was stupid. I got hurt. Then Hiei visited." She didn't need Kurama scolding her for fighting Rizu. She'd had enough of that. Kurama sighed and placed a hand on her back, gently rubbing up and down until Terra was able to calm herself. When she pulled back, Terra wiped her eyes and looked him over.

"You have a rough night, too?"

"You could say that," Kurama said. "Come on, eat some breakfast and tell me what happened."

They moved to the kitchen where Kurama had brought up some food from the tavern. He went about making tea and Terra sat at the little table. She hadn't had dinner, but breakfast wasn't all that appetizing either. She picked up a fruit and ate it anyway, trying her best to get through the grainy, pulpy taste.

"I don't know how to handle him," she said, setting down the pit and wiping her fingers on a napkin. "I always think I've figured it out, but then he throws me a curve ball."

"I did tell you that he's adapting, evolving. Those so called curve-balls may be just as new to him as they are to you," Kurama mused, pouring the hot water.

"And what if he's adapting to keep me out instead of…" The way Kurama had spoken about it before, it sounded like Hiei was trying to learn how to fit her into his life.

"I would be surprised, if that were the case," Kurama said, joining Terra at the table. He placed a mug of steaming tea next to her with a frown. "So, I ask again. What happened?"

Terra pressed her palms into her eyes and let out a frustrated grunt. She didn't want to look at Kurama for this. "We kissed," she said flatly. "He took care of my injuries and called me an idiot, then called me strong, and then kissed me. And then he left, saying we couldn't… I don't know. I went to see him again and he basically told me - yeah he would fuck me but if that's all I want, I should go fuck Chuu and that nothing could happen between us and then left again." She groaned and leaned back, throwing her head to fix her eyes on the ceiling. A tear escaped, which she quickly rubbed away furiously. "I hate this!"

Kurama sipped his tea, thinking. "I must admit, this isn't how I expected things to go. A few more months of denial, perhaps, but a flat out refusal after admitting his attraction? It does feel counter to his usual patterns, even with new adjustments to his sense of self."

Terra could only laugh, low and mirthless. "Of fucking course."

"I apologize for pushing things between you two the other night, if that ended up adding to this rift. But I truly did believe, based on all his actions, that Hiei-" Kurama stilled, eyes distant and mug of tea halfway to his lips.

"Kurama?"

He looked at her, still unmoving but eyes darting over her. Kurama's frown made her uncomfortable. She squirmed under his scrutiny.

"What?"

"I have a theory," Kurama said, setting his tea down untouched. "But if I'm right, it best come from Hiei."

"That's so helpful," she said, bitter and exhausted. Terra poked at her breakfast, shoving the most familiar looking thing into her mouth. It was crunchy. "Is this… is it toxic for me to keep trying with him?" she wondered. "I know he cares about me, on whatever level Hiei cares for others who aren't his sister. But, am I only hurting myself?"

Kurama took his time to answer. He ate some of his food and sipped his tea and stared past her with a far off look. "I believe," he said, halting in a way that was unusual for the fox, "that there is a potential for this to turn that way. If you chase him, and he gives in only to pull back. You fight. You both hurt. That could be very damaging. I also believe that cycle may never arise, and that your hurt is temporary. That your hope is worth having."

She pushed around the meat on her plate, daring a bite. "And how long am I supposed to hurt before realizing it wasn't worth it? Before admitting that things won't change between us?"

"That… I cannot answer," Kurama sighed. "If I can verify if my theory is correct, I may at least be able to, however."

"What does that mean?"

Kurama looked at her, absent any of his protective doctor looks. Terra was nearly crushed under the weight of his sad eyes.

"It means," Kurama said, "that there may be something very real holding Hiei back. Something that will affect the answer of if and when you and he could be together."

They finished breakfast in relative silence, the weight of their conversation not allowing for idle chatter. When they were done, Kurama excused himself to shower and head to bed. "I won't stop you from going to see Hiei's fight, but do stay by a friend's side this time?" He eyed the bandages that poked out from her sleep clothes. "I'll be sure to check those later."

Terra nodded. A promise, a thank you, an apology. She dressed and cleaned up her naginata, recapping the blade once it was free of blood. Before heading for the stands, Terra pulled out the piece of wood she'd taken from Rizu's campsite and left it for Kurama to find with a note. She wanted to let him know what it had done to her and if it was something she could protect herself from in the future.

For all the strength she'd gained, Rizu had found a way to make her feel as vulnerable as the night Jeremy and Conner died. She wouldn't let it happen again. Terra squared her shoulders and let her energy brim her skin. Even with the scent of human blood seeping through her bandages, the demons in the crowd didn't much bother her. A few poked at her, posturing more than anything else, but were stung by her energy and didn't try more. It was a small victory for her pride, but not as reassuring as it could have been.

Terra found the boys soon enough. Chuu, Rinku, Touya, and Jin were huddled up in one section. Their other friends were probably around. Only Hiei and Yusuke were still in the tournament. Chuu had lost his round three match before Hiei's second round was finished, but they were starting to settle into the final matches of each bracket.

Chuu waved with a cheer when he saw her approach, the others turning to see. Jin zoomed over, asking where she'd been. "Missed ya in the stands after me fight yesterday!"

"She left after Hiei's match," Rinku said, blowing a raspberry her way.

"Break my heart, why don't cha," Chuu said, swinging his arm around her neck and pulling her close. "All thoughts on the twerp when I'm standing right here!" He winked and Terra rolled her eyes, but couldn't stop the blush from creeping up her cheeks.

Hiei's comment the night before stung, but that didn't mean Chuu wasn't, well… attractive. She honestly hadn't thought about it before, but now that the seed was in her head the idea came to her unbidden. Chuu in bed would probably be a thrill.

Terra hadn't exactly been celibate during her stint in Australia. She was still reeling from Jeremy and Conner's anniversary, and she hadn't quite figured out she was harboring feelings for Hiei. It was easy, in her hometown, to stop at familiar bars and recklessly have some fun. Terra had already had her rebound. Unless Hiei thought she needed an emotional rebound as well.

Terra tried to shake her head clear. Her thoughts always circled back to him.

Yusuke and Hiei both had matches starting. Yusuke's last match had only ended a few hours before. He was likely to lose because it took so long to end, but such was the way of the tournament, according to the others. Hiei had a higher chance of winning his match, but his opponent was a tough one. It was the smallest of things that could give victory over the other at this point.

Chuu laughed at something Jin said and Terra tried to put her attention back on them. The weight of Chuu's meaty arm was comforting on her shoulder and Terra leaned into his side.

"Hey," Terra said, when some of the conversation had lulled and not much attention was on the two of them. Chuu looked down at her and quirked an eyebrow in a way of telling her to go on. "This is just friendly, right?"

Chuu smirked, a lecherous mirth behind his eyes. "Why, love? You want something more?"

Terra pushed him away, but couldn't help the smile on her face. He laughed and pulled her back under his arm.

"Don't be like that, mulga. We both know the flirting's our Aussie nature fighting for dominance."

She laughed at that, nearly doubling over. It was absurd yet somehow completely correct. "But, if I ever said I wasn't joking?" Terra looked up at him, hoping her face told him she still wasn't offering.

Chuu's smile softened and his eyes darted over her face, tracing her lips as they darkened with desire that tasted like smokey whiskey. She was nearly dizzy with it. "In a heartbeat," he murmured, the sly curve of his lips telling her he knew exactly how he was affecting her. "I wouldn't hesitate to have the chance to get my hands on you. If you'd ever let me." Chuu winked.

He wasn't lying, that much was obvious. "Even though I'm human?" she whispered.

Chuu shrugged then reached above his head to stretch. Without his arm around her, Terra felt suddenly exposed, but she appreciated his attempt at diffusing the tension. "Demons and humans get together all the time. It's nothing new. Life's a string of bedmates until you find someone more important than that or you die."

"That's pretty nihilistic," Terra snorted.

"Look around us, mulga. We risk our lives for fun as much we do for fame or power. But if we don't die fighting, we live a long time. Your lot is more likely to settle down, or try to, only cause you think death is coming up too quick. Not knocking down love or anything. I know love. But," Chuu scrunched up his face and scratched at the bridge of his nose. "I think we get more time to learn how to live for ourselves before trying to live it for others. Not maliciously, or selfishly. Or, not always. We got plenty right cunts among our lot who don't care for nothing but themselves. But what I mean, is…" he trailed off, struggling for the words.

"I think I get what you're saying," Terra said. She remembered Kurama's lifetime in human world, long before he became a human. His opportunity to explore, not just the world but his own interests. Maybe it made demons appear callous to humans, but they were free to be themselves in a way that few humans got to experience, too busy chasing futures they were told they needed. Careers in place before finishing school, spouses before your looks fade, children before you're too old to keep up with their youth. It was too easy to spend every day wasting away for retirement, searching for a partner, raising families because it's what's expected. Too easy to forget to even learn who you are.

Terra had. She'd planned for college. For grad school. For a job in psychology. For Jeremy. For small vacations to take hikes. That would have been her whole life.

Maybe she was rushing into things with Hiei, pushing too hard because she was human. Did he not want her because she was too serious for him? It seemed as likely as not wanting her because she wasn't serious enough.

Terra bumped shoulders with Chuu. "Thanks."

"What for?"

Terra shrugged. "I was focused on myself this past year," she said. Her depression. Her weakness. Her history. "But I don't think I know what I want for my future. But, maybe that's okay, too. It might be better for me to see where things take me than try and force myself down a path simply to choose a path."

"My opinion, that's how you always find the right way to go."

The announcer's voice cut over the stadium and the screens lit up. Contestants were being dropped off at their arenas. The fights were about to begin.