Chapter one :

Confession.

It was a cold sunday morning in Boston when Jane slowly woke up. The first thing she saw when she slowly opened her eyes was Maura's head resting on her chest her right arms across her belly. Lowering the blanket covering her beautiful girlfriend Jane took a minute to marvel at the beauty laying before her eyes. Even if Jane was partially dressed wearing a black tank top and a matching boxer Maura was entirely naked. Rubbing Maura's shoulder with her thumb Jane couldn't help but roaming her eyes on those curves she knew better than her own, thinking about the hours she had spent exploring them, memorizing every single details of her girlfriend's anatomy. Lowering her eyes towards Maura's legs Jane started smiling remembering how only a few hours ago they were wrapped around her waist as she passionately thrusted inside and out of her making her shake harder at every thrust. The truth was Jane had never felt anything that intense both sexually and emotionally with anyone before. Maura and her have now been dating for 3 months and after waiting for about a month they had decided to take their relationship to the next level. Well at least Maura did. One night Jane got home after a day spent trying to make a suspect confess when she found Maura laying on her bed wearing nothing but black lingerie. As uncomfortable as she was Jane knew as soon as she stepped in her bedroom that tonight would be the night, that Maura had finally reached her limits and couldn't wait anymore. Actually she had made it very clear right after their first kiss that she was strongly physically to her but knew that Jane wasn't ready and decided to give her time. Thinking about it Jane didn't really know why it took her so long to be ready, God knew she was insanely attracted to Maura and that she was madly in love with her but there was just something that kept her from allowing herself to completely let go in her girlfriend's arms.

Luckily for her Maura knew Jane probably better than she knew herself and understood that Jane needed time to settle in their relationship before taking that step. Obviously Maura knew Jane had control issues and that it was extremely hard for her to completely let go especially physically. That's why for the past two months she had allowed Jane to make love to her for hours, to explore her, to try different ways of pleasuring her without reciprocating. At first Maura loved how selfless Jane was but after a while and as satisfied as she was it became hard for her not to be able to go down on Jane and devour her until she comes in her mouth. Actually Jane barely allowed Maura to touch her and always kept her tank top and boxers on. All Maura knew she was allowed to do was to wander her fingers on her back and sometimes belly but every time she tried to touch her breasts or slid her hand in her boxers Jane made it very clear that's not what she wanted.

So for the past 2 months Maura had let Jane do things her way hoping that by doing that she would earn her trust and that she would eventually hand some of that control that was so essential to her survival over to her. As painful and frustrating as it was Maura knew that forcing Jane to let go wasn't the way to do things. All she could do was accept Jane's way of doing things while keeping on trying from time to time hoping that someday she would take that step with her.

Around 9 O' clock Maura finally woke up feeling a bit cold.

"Good morning sleeping head." Jane said kissing the top of Maura's head.

"Good morning, is it cold or were you taking a peek at my body while I was sleeping?" Slightly rising her head Maura was grateful to once again wake up in Jane's arms.

"Yes, sorry, but every time I woke with you in my arms I have trouble believing how lucky I am." Jane replied pressing her lips against Maura's .

"And you did get lucky last night." Maura smirked slowly rolling on top of Jane.

"Yes I did."Placing her hands on Maura's lower back her eyes inevitably looking at her gorgeous breasts pressing against her Jane felt immediately aroused.

Seeing the desire in her girlfriend's eyes Maura started to gently kiss her, her hands away from her body at first. Feeling Maura's tongue ticking hers Jane suddenly slid her right hand between their two bodies hoping to reach her folds.

"How about you let me take care of you today?It's the least I can do after the multiple orgasms you gave me last night." Saying those words, pulling Jane's hand out Maura knew there was a high chance Jane would push her away or deny her wishes by rolling over her to take control over the situation.

"Maura…No, you know that's not how I enjoy making love to you." Jane replied rolling on top of her as Maura had predicted it.

"Do you even have pleasure when you make love to me?"Looking Jane straight in the eyes almost daring her to walk away Maura was determined to make Jane talk. After spending the past two months allowing Jane to play with her like with a toy she needed to understand why and find a way to help her.

"Of course I enjoy myself Maura, how can you ask me that?" Narrowing her eye brows Jane didn't really understand the true meaning behind Maura's question.

"I know you enjoy yourself but have you ever climaxed?" Maura knew Jane was uncomfortable talking about sex but wasn't willing to spare her now, they were both adults and walking around in circles using childish words wouldn't help them.

"Maura! How can you ask me that!" Jane objected rolling on her back before sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Would you please calm down? I'm insanely satisfied with you, more than I have never been before but you never really let me touch you, you don't even take your close underwear off. I love you Jane and I want to satisfy you as much as you satisfy me, that's all."Sitting behind Jane resting her head on her shoulder and snaking her arms around her waist Maura realized who insensitive she had just acted but was still unwilling to let this go. She couldn't do this anymore, not if she wanted their relationship to work.

"I know you love me and I love you too. It's just…easier for me for now. I love exploring you and right now it's all I can give you. I'm sorry if it's not enough."Looking down feeling Maura's warm arms around her Jane was incredibly sad and wished she could have gave Maura what she wanted. She had dreamed of being with her for so long and not being able to provide her with was she desired was killing her, Maura deserved the best and she clearly wasn't it.

"I know Jane and I love how you take your time to explore each square inch of my body, but don't you think it would be more comfortable for both of us if you would at least take your clothes off? I would love nothing more than feeling your naked body against mine." Maura said bitting her lower lip as she naively slid her hand under Jane's tank top.

"NO!I don't want you to see me naked, this is not up for discussion so don't even try to talk me into it!" Jane hollered violently standing up.

"I'm sorry Jane, I didn't mean to push you. I understand that you're shy regarding your body, but you have no reason to, you're gorgeous." Seeing the rage and shock in Jane's eyes Maura understood that she had crossed the line. Unfortunately she couldn't understand what would keep Jane from revealing her body to her.

"No, I'm not so don't try to bullshit me!My body is…."Her hand on her forehead trying to find the perfect words Jane felt pushed in a corner and she didn't like it. She always thought Maura understood her and her need to do things her way and couldn't believe that she would force her to talk about something when she knew she wasn't ready to talk about.

"Oh Jane, your body is perfect. I saw you in your underwear enough times to know that not only you're extremely fit but that you have curves just right they're supposed to be. If you feel uncomfortable about your scars don't worry, they're extremely sexy for me. They show how courageous and selfless you are."Standing up taking a step towards Jane Maura could feel she was on the edge of finally letting everything go.

"You don't understand, my body…it doesn't feel like it's mine, it's just not the right one!"Letting those words slipped out of her mouth Jane knew she couldn't keep that secret for herself anymore. Not only keeping everything inside was hurting Maura and their relationship but it was also killing her.

Ever since she had met Maura she always knew that she accepted and loved her just the way she was with her flaws and bad trades. Actually that's what she loved most about Maura. She loved her unconditionally no matter how screwed up and lost she was and unlike most people she never tried to change her but instead helped her find herself by supporting her and by never judging her. Unfortunately as much as Maura loved her and as tolerant and understanding as she knew she could be Jane was afraid that this was just too dark, too deep and that she wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Oh Jane…"Hearing Jane's confession Maura finally understand her behavior. Actually, her obsession with control especially over her own body, her almost visceral need to hide her feminine attributes, also her refusal and inability to engage in a relationship with the numerous men who would have died to be with her suddenly made more sense.

"No, don't touch me. I want you to go away!Just go!"Humiliated and unable to continue this conversation Jane rushed into the bathroom, locking herself, collapsing on the floor immediately.

Standing there in the middle of Jane's room Maura was split between her desire to knock that door down and take her in Jane arms and do what her girlfriend wanted her to. As hard as it was Maura knew that Jane needed time to process what had just happened. She knew that must she have felt extremely embarrassed about her confession and that she had probably never actually said those words out loud and that she needed to process.

Leaving Jane's apartment that sunday morning Maura knew that what her girlfriend needed right now was space and time to process what had happened, but she was also convinced that she would need her help later. She knew that admitting something that deep and dark to herself must have been extremely violent and that she would possibly drawn without her. Yes leaving Jane's building that morning Maura knew that their relationship had just taken an unexpected turn and that as painful as things might become if she stayed by her side she couldn't possibly leave her. As screwed up and broken Jane thought she was Maura loved her unconditionally, for better and for worse and she knew that to the risk of completely loosing herself in the process she had to support and love her, hoping that she would be able to help Jane figure out who she was, both physically and emotionally.

Alright guys, I have had this story in my head for so long that I just had to finally write it. I know it's different and I apologize in advance if this story hurts anyone. People always tell me that I always find a way into my characters' brain and emotions and that I'm always realistic. Well I can not pretend to completely know how it feels to be in Jane's shoes but I can certainly relay to at least some of it.

As always I hope that you will give me feedback, good or bad to help me improve this story. I have had it in my mind for so long that I want it to be good and I intend to finish it.