"When does he get here then, ducks?"

"Should be any minute."

"And tell me again what this is for?"

"Spike, I told you earlier."

"Yeah, but I was painting my nails."

"God, sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm the girl in this relationship."

"I can help you with that, 'f you want, luv."

"Hey! No hands! Junior Watcher will be here any minute."

"Fine. Just tell me."

"It's another one of Giles' newbie Watchers he wants us to prep on all things Hellmouthy."

"Why can't Rupert fill him in?"

"He claims he doesn't remember everything. I think his memory's been affected by all that Scotch."

"Huh. Just Sunnydale?"

"Well, what else would he want to know about us?"

"Well, he'll have an all-access to the Biggest of the Bads here, luv. You'd think he'd want to take advantage. I've seen the old Council's records about me. When it wasn't utter bollocks, it was insultingly sparse. And that last one he sent round didn't know his arse from his bloody elbow."

"You're still pissed he hadn't heard of you, huh?"

"How can you be a Watcher and never have heard of William the Bloody!?"

"He was a baby Watcher, if it makes you feel better."

"It doesn't. He'd heard of you."

"I'm the Slayer!"

"I'm the Slayer of Slayers!"

"Is that really something you want to remind me of, Spike?"

"Look, all I'm saying is, if you're gonna be a Watcher, you should be able to school your Slayer on the Big Bads, that's all."

"And that's your excuse for what you did to Tom?"

"Who's Tom?"

"The Watcher you covered in cream cheese because he hadn't heard of you."

"That's not the only reason. He also called me Pike."

"Aw, is the Bitty Bad feeling left out?"

"Big Bad, pet.

"Sure, honey."

"Oi! You think I've lost my bottle, s'that it? Well, Tom sure doesn't think I have, does he?"

"Well, he doesn't know what you did after he was picked up, does he?"

"What, shag you rotten?"

"No, scrub the excess cream cheese off the kitchen floor in my pink gloves."

"We weren't going to mention that ever again!"

[giggles] "You looked so cute."

"Big Bads aren't cute!"

"No, but former Big Bads, current Bitty Bads are."

"If you need me to prove my mettle, I can do that, luv!"

"Oooh, you gonna scrub the floor without gloves? Or maybe, in nothing but gloves!"

"Watch your step, missy! I can still be plenty bad!"

"Course you can, baby. Who's the biggest bad of them all?"

"Buffy, stop."

"Oh, come on, who's the biggest baddie?"

"I'm just a little nervous, that's all."

"You'll be fine, Robert. Buffy isn't an intimidating figure at all."

"Yes, but... the vampire."

"Spike is entirely reformed, I assure you."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Quite sure."

"Quite sure? So, not completely sure?"

"Robert, it was an expression. I am positive of Spike's commitment to our cause."

"Yes, but Xander has told me some very worrying stories-"

"All in the past. You don't believe I'd send you round to their house if you were in danger, do you?"

"No, of course not. And I have my stake and cross in my coat."

"I wouldn't advertise that fact. To Spike or Buffy."

"Why not?"

"Because they are a mated couple who would rip your lungs out if you threatened them."

"..."

"But there's no need to focus on these things. Buffy and Spike are not going to harm you. You're beneath their notice... no offence."

"Oddly, that comforts me. It eases me somewhat that he never took an interest in Watchers. It was Slayers he was interested in, right?"

"W-well... yes, he was interested in Slayers. That's right."

"Why did you stutter?"

"I didn't stutter."

"What happened to the Watchers of the Slayers he killed?"

"W-well, they are of course dead, Robert. It was a long time ago."

"Yes, but how soon after Spike killing the Slayers did the Watchers die?"

"Not soon after at all."

[sigh] "Oh."

"He killed them before."

"What!? Rupert-"

"Oh for heaven's sake, you're being very silly. Spike has had a soul for over a decade now. And even before that, he was allied with Buffy, you know that."

"Yes, but this is where I get panicked... I'm not Buffy."

"I am aware of that. Really, is this why you called me? To worry about things that aren't ever going to happen?"

"I'm sorry if you think I'm over-reacting, but you're used to this."

"Yes, which is precisely why I sent you. You need to get used to being around vampires and what better way to start than a tame one."

"Alright. You're right. Of course you're right. I'm being silly."

"Yes, you are."

"Okay. Thank you, Giles. I'll give you a ring when I'm on my way back."

"Robert, a bit of advice, if I may? Maybe don't use the word 'tame' in front of Spike, hm?"

"Why not?"

"Well, he can get a little..."

"A little what?"

"...very easily offended, for some reason..."

"Wait, my signal's dropping out. Giles, can you hear me?"

"...be very careful not to call him that..."

"Call him what?!"

"...he might tear your head off..."

"What!?"

"...bloody mess with the last one we sent round..."

"Blood!? What about blood!? What happened to the last Watcher!?"

"...unless you provoke him..."

"Giles! How do I not provoke him!? Giles!?"

"...and for god's sake, whatever you do, don't..."

"Don't what? Don't what!?"

"...just remember that, and you'll be fine."

"Giles!"

"..."

"Oh good God."

...ding dong...

"Hey, mate. You must be Robert."

"Y-yes, I'm Robert. The Watcher."

"I'm Spike. The vampire."

"Y-yes. Hello, Mr Sp- I mean, it's nice to meet you, Mr The Bl- I mean, good evening, sir."

"... Uh-huh. Well, come on in then. Buffy's just in the loo, she'll be down in a mo'."

"S-she's upstairs?"

"Yeah, but she's on her way."

"Perhaps I'll just wait out here until-"

"You wanna wait out in the cold until the Slayer's here?"

"W-well, I just thought-"

[smirk] "What's the matter, small fry? You a bit scared of me or something?"

"N-n-n-no-"

[grin] "You s-s-s-sure?"

"Perhaps this w-was a mist-"

"Get in here, gimp-boy."

"Aaah! If you could let go of my arm, that would be-"

"Hey! You must be Robert. I'm Buffy."

"Oh, thank heavens!"

"Uh, hi. I didn't think you'd be quite so happy to meet me... you can stop hugging me now."

"I'm sorry, I'm v-very- I'm sorry. This is my first solo job. I'm a little apprehensive."

"No shit?"

"Spike! It's okay. You have nothing to worry about."

"If you do things right, nothing to fear at all, mate."

"Do things r-right?"

"Well, you know what we did to the last one that pissed us off, right?"

"I'm n-n-not sure-"

"Spike!"

"You're right, Slayer. Let's not focus on the last poor bastard. Good riddance to bad Watcher, is all I'll say."

"I-I-I-I-"

"Spike, stop it! You're scaring him!"

[smirk] "I'm not scaring you, am I, little guy?"

"Alright, enough, Spike! I'm really sorry, Robert. Let's just go into the living room and you can ask us your questions, okay?"

"Y-yes, that's fine."

"Okay, so, what do you want to know?"

"Umm, o-okay. Okay. So, the first question I have is about Glorificus."

"Well, she taught me more about torture than I'd ever need to know."

"Spike! It's okay, Robert, he's only kidding with you."

"No, m'not. You ever want to know how to rip out someone's fingernails without them passing out, you call me, mate."

"I-I-I wouldn't... I mean, I d-d-don't..."

"Let's move on, yeah?"

"Um, o-okay. M-my next query is regarding Robin Wood-"

"Oh, the guy whose jugular I chomped on after I beat him to a squidgy pulp?"

"Spike, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute, please! We'll be right back..."

"Oh god, oh god, oh god... it's okay, it's okay... how can you ever be a Watcher if you don't get over this fear. Get it together, Robert. Giles would never have sent you here if you'd be in danger... unless it's a test... oh god, what if it's a test... but then if it's a test, they won't hurt me... it's okay, they won't hurt me-"

[muffled] "...am not going down this road with you again, Spike."

[muffled] "...not my fault he's got 'Bite Me' written all over him!"

"Oh dear lord."

[muffled] "...telling him the worst things..."

[muffled] "...little bloodshed never hurt anyone!"

"Bloodshed!?"

[muffled] "...just wanna get a few of my rocks back, Slayer, come on!"

[muffled] "...oh, alright! Just don't make such a mess this time."

[muffled] "...think I wanna spend another weekend scrubbing the kitchen floor, you've lost your mind."

"Oh my god, they killed him! They killed him! It's not a test! It's not a test!"

"Just don't scare him too much, okay?"

"Hey, it'll be good for him in the long run. Can't be a good Watcher if you're scared of your own shadow."

"Just don't be too mean, okay?"

"Cross my heart."

"Okay... Robert? Look, I'm really sorry about- huh. Where is he?"

"The front door's open, luv."

"Wow, I thought he had a few more scares in him before he broke."

"Yeah. Kinda not worth it now."

...ring ring... ring ring...

"Get that, Spike. I'm gonna check outside."

"'Lo?"

"Spike."

"What's up, Rupes?"

"Would you like to tell me why I just received a phone call from one of my Watchers, who is currently cowering in your wheelie bin?"

"SLAYER, HE'S IN THE WHEELIE BIN!"

[distant] "OKAY, GOT HIM!"

"Spike! Can you tell me why he is cowering in the wheelie bin?"

"What makes you think it has anything to do with me?"

"The only thing he could stutter out was that you planned on dismembering his corpse in your kitchen."

"Don't blame me for you picking weaklings to be Watchers."

"You're supposed to ease them into being near vampires, Spike!"

"Well hey, he's not dead, is he?"

"Nope, he's not dead. But he has passed out."

"Was that Buffy?"

"Yeah, your gutless Watcher has passed out."

"Put her on the phone, please."

"Hey, Giles."

"Buffy, you said you would contain him."

"And I did! Robert is definitely not covered in cream cheese."

"He has pissed himself though, luv."

"Oh my God, is that what that was! I thought it was rain!"

"Nope, Watcher pee."

"Giles, I have to go, I have-"

"I heard. Go."

"You got me again, Rupes."

"Spike, what would it take for you to be on your best behaviour next time?"

"How many chapters does Angelus have in the Watcher Diaries?"

[sigh] "Two books."

"Two books!? All I've got is a mis-informed chapter!"

"If I set someone to filling in some Spike books-"

"How many?"

"Three."

"Four."

"Three."

"Four!"

"Three, and I'll mention in the Angelus footnotes that he has a history of impotence."

"Deal."

"So, can I trust that the next time I send a Watcher to your door, he won't leave covered in a foreign contaminant or his own urine?"

"I'll do my best, Rupes. But I'm not a miracle worker."